| Oct. 10, 2006 | 3:45 am |
A review of Burger King’s Quad Stacker
By
When I returned to Evanston in September, nothing felt drastically different. Sure, Barnes & Noble was at a new location and NU’s football team appeared headed to hell, but none of this felt too radical; after all, the bookstore just jumped across the street, and the Cats have historically had about as much success on the gridiron as M. Night Shyamalan has at the box office.
But one night I walked into Burger King and saw the advertisement that would change my life. There, wedged between the value menu and the “chicken” section was a display for the BK Stacker, a sandwich comprised of only three elements: bread, meat and cheese. They offered a double, which didn’t seem alarming, and a triple, which is disturbing, but let’s not forget we live in a country where you can go to a county fair and order a deep-fried Hostess snack cake for $1.99. But there was one more item, and it threw me into an existential crisis.
The BK QUAD STACKER, FOUR PIECES OF BEEF joined by BACON and CHEESE.
I stood in awe of the ad. Four patties? How could that be? Are there not laws? My perception of reality had been altered. Completely. Who could eat that? Is it possible? Where is the nearest defibrillator? If you consume the Quad Stacker, do you instantly morph into a human dirigible and appear on an episode of Maury? I left, clutching my order of chicken fries while I walked back to my dorm in a daze.
The Quad Stacker became a sick interest of mine, like how some people obsess over faux celebs or Facebook. Every time I ate at BK, I glared at the advertisement, staring down the fast-food equivalent of Jabba the Hutt . I never witnessed anyone ordering this beefy behemoth. I suddenly realized I would be the one to tackle the Stacker.
This past Monday, I finally worked up the courage to irrevocably clog my youthful arteries. I would, in fact, defeat the Quad Stacker. And then quickly draft my last will and testament.
Preparation
I had to prepare to face the meaty menace. My first step toward defeating the Quad Stacker was to fast and survive only on water and Diet Coke. It was a trying task, forcing me to avoid vending machines and crepes at all costs, driving me into an almost-psychotic state of foodless-ness. But I fought through, and, even though I felt like a contestant on Survivor, I made it through the day without nourishment, and was rewarded with a stomach starved enough to conquer the Quad.
But physical preparation wasn’t alone going to cut it. I had to know my nemesis. So, I ventured to Burger King’s website, and clicked on the “Stacker” link, which lead me to an entirely new website devoted just to the super-sized sandwich. The Stacker was such an overwhelming creature that it warranted not only its own website, but it’s own lore, similar to Lord of the Rings or a Pantera song. According to the site, a collection of little people constructed the Stackers using machinery and Tatu from Fantasy Island. The site revealed two important facts about my cholesterol-endowed enemy:
1. Tiny Frodo Baggins-wannabees apparently built these burgers using cranes.
2. The Quad Stacker packs a whopping 1,000 calories, meaning I would need to, based on my rough estimates, compete in the Tour De France to even spark a hint of life back into my once-functioning arteries. .
I knew my foe. The clock chimed 5. Dinner time. My date with destiny.
MAN VS. QUAD STACKER
I come to a stop in the cool autumn breeze. I fixed my eyes on my destination: BK.
Walking towards the illuminated front doors, I spot an ad for the Quad Stacker; I do a once-over of the picture, trying to pump myself up for the now-inevitable culinary clash. I open the door, and hesitantly approach the cashier.
“Welcome, to Burger King, could I take your order please?”
“Hello,” I say. “I would like the Quad Stacker please.”
At this point, I expected the entire establishment to become quiet, sans a gasp or two. Rather, the cashier took my money and handed me my receipt, and I waited. And watched. After several minutes of nervous anticipation, I spot the Quad being constructed; contrary to what the Internet promised, I see no elf-like beings overseeing my order, but am still stunned at how big the burger is.
The Stacker is wrapped up, and put onto my plastic tray. I sit down, and stare at the food item that will probably knock several decades off my life.
I peel the paper back, and see the sandwich in its true form. I am surprised; it isn’t a towering monolith of meat and cheese as I suspected, but rather a fatter feast where all the ingredients are packed tightly together.
My hands wrap around the fast-food giant; I lift it up towards my mouth, prepared to un-hinge my jaw to fit the burger in my mouth. I lower my teeth for the first bite. My pearly-whites connect with the meat-cheese-meat monstrosity, and I feel a rush of flavors; bacon! meat! cheese! baconmeat! I swallow the initial chomp, and my throat immediately feels like I just swallowed a handful of glass instead.
Each subsequent bite is a mix of pleasure and pain, much like watching an episode of Flava of Love. There is no denying that, as gluttonous and wasteful as this foodstuff is, it’s damn good, especially when you hit the rare perfect-pairing of meat, cheese and bacon. However, most of the times I bite into the Quad Stacker, things aren’t so flawless; the burger’s secret weapon is the mass amount of bacon tucked between the patties, which are simultaneously sharp and tough to swallow. This sandwich won’t go down without a fight.
As I pass the heart-healthy halfway point, the Quad begins its ultimate attack. I can feel my stomach expanding like a hot-air balloon, and every bite starts to feel like I’m forcing gunpowder down my gullet. I persevere; I haven’t come this far to be defeated by four fire-grilled patties. R.E.M’s “It’s the End of the World As We Know It” comes on the restaurant radio, a horrifying omen, I’m sure. The Stacker slowly become smaller while my stomach expands. I think I see the face of God.
Finally, I finish the fatty food off with one savage bite, ridding myself of the albatross. But at what cost? My mid-section feels completely bloated, and it feel like I’m traversing up Mt. Everest every time I take a step. But I no longer fear the 1000 calorie beast; I have proven my might by munching it down. Next time I go to BK, I will no longer fear the Quad.
That is, if I ever have an appetite to go back there.
Photography by Tom Giratikanon.
More by this author:
- Five awesome and five atrocious games to play before/during/after drinking
- What I learned from Pokemon
- A review of the Borat movie
Eri Okuma said,
October 10, 2006 @ 9:57 am
Patrick!! You are my hero. This is amazing, I love how you wrote this.
Taren said,
October 11, 2006 @ 12:43 am
Patrick, you’re awesome. :)
Ben Stewart said,
October 11, 2006 @ 1:45 am
But that’s not the best item on Burger King’s menu…
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/10/11/AR2006101101608.html
Patrick said,
October 11, 2006 @ 1:57 am
Burger King, more like Burger Kronic, am I right?
Nomaan said,
October 11, 2006 @ 9:51 am
Can I just say how clever the headline “Heart of Darkness” is?
Tommy Rousse said,
October 11, 2006 @ 12:20 pm
Sir, let me commend your noble feat of burger eating. Consuming such a great quantity in a single sitting is an impressive task - but the field has been developed much further.
As you may or may not know, you can add additional patties to the Stacker for a nominal fee per patty - through this method, one of my friends from high school recently ate a six-patty burger. This was not meant to be record setting. He was, if you will, merely warming up. I have also seen said individual consume ten McDonald’s Cheeseburgers in a single sitting. It was absolutely horrific. I know a man that can consume more cheeseburgers than most suburban families, and his name is Travis Jordan.
I once ventured along the broken gravel streets into the subdivisions of Natchitoches, LA with this individual. We came to a small shack in the middle of an asphalt parking lot. The sign said only “Marie’s.” We approached and asked an ancient, withered old lady for two triples. When we received our food, we returned to our dormitory and inspected the feast. Sitting before us where two homemade hamburgers, loaded with cheese, mustard, and ketchup. Sitting between the insignificant bread where three half pound patties of pure beef. Grease oozed over the paper wrapping as pus drips from a festering wound.
At first, the burger was delicious. Soon, it became a grind. My jaw ached - my tastebuds no longer recognized the greasy beefy taste. Thirty seven minutes after I had started, I choked down the last mouthful. I put my hands on my distended belly and muttered to myself…
“The horror… the horror…”
Patrick said,
October 11, 2006 @ 12:39 pm
Dear god…
Andrea said,
October 13, 2006 @ 1:21 am
Wow, what a bad ass.
Jacktion! said,
October 25, 2006 @ 11:22 am
Dude, that is an awful way to train to eat massive amounts of food. By not eating, you shrank the size of your stomach making it HARDER to consume your beloved burger. Next time train a couple of days ahead of time. Consume easily-digested foods the day of the feast, and two days before do the same thing but eat a massive amount of fruit at dinner time to loosen your stomach up for the big game. That’s how I ate a 64-ounce steak. I trained for a week and a half, though. And it was worth it. And it was free because I finished it. God bless America!
Poster100 said,
October 25, 2006 @ 12:09 pm
Was that 64 oz Steak at a place in NJ? I remember going to a place there that offered that I couldn’t understand the animal it came off let alone eating it!!
Patrick said,
October 25, 2006 @ 12:35 pm
To be fair, I’m not exactly a professional. Next time, though, I will certainly heed your advice, so my stomach does not feel like a grenade went off inside it.
jeff said,
October 25, 2006 @ 1:25 pm
I ate a 4 pound hamburger in less than an hour in morris IL. at r place.I got it 4 free. but it didnt last very long as the parking lot suggested it.
Larry Evans said,
October 25, 2006 @ 3:52 pm
Keep eating that garbage and I will go your funeral long before you go to mine!
“Sir, extra large casket for my Burger King friend, please.”
Patrick said,
October 25, 2006 @ 4:06 pm
To be fair, I don’t eat these things on a regular basis.
Though, I’m not saying I’m a shining example of health.
Heather said,
October 25, 2006 @ 11:21 pm
Bk just borrowed an Idea from a much better burger joint In n Out in Cali and Nevada. They have been doing a 4×4 and even the 5×5 for years and wow the burgers are awesome. I personally have never eaten a double there but they have the best grilled onions.
Your story was well written and I enjoyed it just make it out to an In n Out
Patrick said,
October 25, 2006 @ 11:39 pm
Heh, I’m actually from California and love In n Out. They did rip them off, but I think the Quad Stacker may be worse; the bacon on that thing is killer. Plus, it isn’t nearly as good.
StewartStreet said,
October 26, 2006 @ 5:13 am
I had a 72 oz. steak dinner at The Big Texan in Amarillo, TX. one time…by the time I had finished I felt like I was going to pop out a chest-burster from the movie “Alien”…I’ll never do that again (But I did get to keep my money ;-) )
Mick said,
November 4, 2006 @ 8:04 pm
That was good man but a little ott, im from england (god bless the queen and all that) but man i went to amaerica in september and fell to my knees when i saw that i had to have it and i did like 4 times in the 2 weeks i was there it was meaty cheesey bacony goodness and i want more, and is it REALLY 1000 calories, dammit. if u think a 5×5 is good i read a contest between a man and his couisin about eating in and out but goin bigger, he holds the title at a fenominal 20×20
Nathan said,
November 15, 2006 @ 12:26 pm
The quad stacker may be intimidating for some, but this guy tackles an OCTO stacker!
http://break.com/index/burger_king_octo_stacker.html
Famous Seamus said,
March 3, 2007 @ 7:07 pm
I ate 3 Quad stackers this morning
I am 160 pounds
yes it was a challenge/contest
Shouting Into The Void » Blog Archive » Okii Futoi Bokunikusan said,
March 8, 2007 @ 3:16 am
[...] The gargantuan burger actually made its debut in January but I just found out about it today from a fascinating blog focused on all things McDonald’s. I never imagined McDonald’s had this sort of burger in them. I know it’s not exactly an original idea. They just added two more patties to a Big Mac and Burger King’s Stacker was already the first to go to four patties months ago. Somehow though it still creates a burger with proportions that frighten me. [...]
Ken said,
May 15, 2007 @ 11:30 am
Wow, I can eat a tripple whopper, large fries, and a quad stacker and drink. And no im not Jabba the Hut. You can eat all these wonderful foods, just exercise daily. : )