It’s that time of year again.

No, I’m not talking about the leaves turning colors or your parents arriving to impinge on your newly-minted independence. I’m talking about the dubious fifth-week mark, the time when your long-distance relationship gets put to the real test.

This applies mostly to those bright-eyed and idealistic freshmen who firmly maintain that they “can make it work” with their high school sweetheart. It doesn’t matter what people say, dammit, because they’re in love and Honolulu isn’t that far away, really.

But what was a romantic notion in the first week of school is now becoming a drag. The eye candy on campus is looking more appealing, and the fact that you’re not getting any doesn’t help either…

So what happens? I would bet money on one of the following:

1. You drink too many cups of jungle juice and hook up with some random sketchball. Your significant other dumps your cheating ass when you tearfully confess over the phone. Game over.
2. Said significant other comes to visit. But you’ve changed. Or they’ve changed. And it’s horribly awkward. The end.
3. You and your significant other decide to “open” the relationship. And you (or they) become legitimately interested in someone who lives within the same zip code. Oops! Now how’d that happen?

The truth is, college changes everything. You’re in a new environment, surrounded by hormonal co-eds on all sides. You don’t even know which way is up. Trying to stay together with someone you lost your virginity to on prom night is sweet, but is it really that realistic?

I know, I know, you’re in love, the person is your soul mate, etc etc. Okay. I’m not completely cynical and bitter. I do actually think that long-distance relationships can work. And that’s because — are you ready for a bombshell? — I’m in one myself.

And, yes, I’m sappy and idealistic about it, too.

So, long-distance daters, we’ve made it to the five-week mark. Now it’s time to get practical. There are only two reasons I can think of to stay in the relationship: you’re in love or the sex is incredible. If you don’t have one of the two, you got nothing.

There’s also the issue of distance; how often are you going to see them? If your next date involves Christmas caroling, you might want to reassess the situation. And if they live on either one of the coasts, you better have your own personal jet or it’s a no-go.

So let’s assume that you’ve decided to stay together. You’re in love (like, totally, madly, deeply) and/or the sex is so good it’s probably illegal in some states. Now the next step: how are you going to make it work?

Every couple is different, but as a general rule, it’s all about maintaining the connection. So you call. A lot. And send emails and pictures. (You get extra points if they’re of you in your underwear!) And I don’t care how busy you are, you make the time to see each other as often as possible. If you’re never together, then there’s really no point.

Long-distance relationships are tricky, but they get easier over time (or at least that’s what they tell me). If it’s really worth it, then you’ll find ways to make it work. And if you’re not sure, well… you’d know by now, wouldn’t you?

SEX POSITION OF THE WEEK
The Tripod: Perfect for when you’ve picked up your long-distance lover from the airport or the bus station and you need to get it on right away. Just find a closet, back it up against the wall, and then have the girl raise one leg as far is it will go. Works best if you’re of equal height or if you have something to stand on (mop bucket, anyone?).