Patrick is still friends with Blastoise.

Although it was years ago, I vividly remember that fateful, life-changing day. Being a complete nerd, I subscribed to Nintendo Power, the official Nintendo magazine which contained 100 pages of advertising, with the occasional cheat code to get 20 additional lives in Turok: Dinosaur Hunter. But that particular month, my Nintendo publication came packaged with a video tape (remember those things?).

This goodie intrigued me enough to ignore Nintendo Power’s cover story on the latest WWF wrasslin’ game and pop the video into my VCR (remember those?). For the next half-hour, I sat and watched as poorly dressed people told me about a wonderful new video game, “Pokemon.” But wait! It wasn’t just a Game Boy game. It was also a card game. And a cartoon. And a line of toys.

In retrospect, the Pokemon promotional video was nothing more than a giant commercial imploring me to “catch them all” using “Poke Balls” (a.k.a. my parents’ hard-earned money). But as a young, impressionable child, I couldn’t resist the adorable beasts! After all, the “Pokemon” brand wouldn’t be plastered all over the planet if it wasn’t good, right? I ran out and went Poke-crazy; I pre-ordered both versions of the original game, bought as many collectible cards as the mall carried, and faithfully watched the hypnotic cartoon featuring – among other creatures – Pickachu, a yellow rat capable of shooting electricity off his face. Nintendo won; they now owned my soul along with my weekly allowance for the foreseeable future.

It’s been 10 years since Pokemon reared its cute, money-draining head from the Land of the Rising Sun, and the franchise has, for better or for worse, had a profound effect not only on pop culture, but my own life as well. To celebrate a decade of Dugtrio, Dratini and debt (Thanks Nintendo! I will be paying back students loans long past my actual death), I want to share the many valuable lessons I reaped from Pokemon.

Lesson #1: Basic Logic

In the Pokemon world, animals aren’t classified as “mammals,” “reptiles” or “metrosexuals,” but rather by the element they are associated with. For example, Bulbasaur, a dinosaur with a bulb on his back, is labeled “plant type,” while Pickachu, due to his fork-jammed-in-a-light-socket characteristics, is “electric.” Every Pokemon is placed into one of these elemental categories, ranging from the basics (water and earth) to the more abstract (psychic and ghost).

True to the real world, some elements easily prevail over others. For example, if you use a fire Pokemon against a plant Pokemon, the outcome would be very similar to what would occur if Ken Jennings challenged Kevin Federline to a game of Jeopardy. In other words: FLAWLESS VICTORY.

You may well be wondering why I was looking to Pokemon for science basics that my fourth-grade teacher should have imparted. Well, let me tell you, I’m not the brightest bulb in the toolshed. Once, I tried to lick a block of dry ice because it looked tasty, but failed after my hands suddenly decided to lead a frozen, bluish lifestyle. So, using Pokemon as my guide, I discovered just how the world around me works. For example, electricity beats water every time, so I now know not to iron my clothes while taking a bath. Also, the undead can defeat the telekinetic, meaning I will have to become a zombie if I ever hope to defeat John Edward. Thank you Pokemon.

Lesson #2: How to Talk to People

One of the revolutionary features of the Pokemon game was the fact you couldn’t catch all the creatures in just one version of the game; instead, you had to trade with other people to “catch them all.” Consequently, one had no choice but to actually interact with other humans; a daunting task for someone, like myself, whose most impressive skill was the ability to name every Ewok from Return of the Jedi.

So while these events wouldn’t even register a 1.0 on the Richter Scale of coolness, Pokemon gatherings were a huge deal to us dweebs. A Sunday afternoon spent at the mall food court linking Game Boy Advances while discussing combat strategy was as close as any of us probably ever got to feeling that we could perhaps call off the search for our home planet. Plus, you’d be surprised how many cool (as in nerd cool, not MAN CHECK OUT WHAT I BOUGHT AT ABERCROMBIE LAST WEEK HUH HUH) people you could meet.

One downside; I don’t recall ever encountering a single girl during a Pokemon swapping event. Yeah, Pokemon wasn’t perfect….

Lesson #3: Trade Value

Trading Pokemon cards was virtually identical to trading stocks on Wall Street, with a few minor exceptions. For example, those involved in trading were generally not well-educated financial whizzes decked out in Brooks Brothers suits, but instead were sweaty, possibly greasy, likely pudgy kids whose sense of fashion seemed to be shaped by dressing in complete darkness and shunning reflective objects, especially full-length mirrors.

When entering the Pokemon market, there was truly one rule more important than all the others; if it isn’t holographic, forget it. Yet another breakthrough in the art of getting kids money, certain Pokemon cards came in two versions; the worthless Peso-like standard and the shimmering, shining holographic card. Produced for probably 50 cents more than a regular card, I knew people who paid into the triple-digits for rare, first-edition flashy cards from Japan, even though they could have used the money to buy something useful, like a toothbrush and/or deodorant.

Thanks to Pokemon, I now know how a fair trade works, and that people are capable of doing stupid things. This explains why Laguna Beach is still on the air.

Lesson #4: Flashing Lights Give You Seizures

Don’t click if you get seizures/don’t like flashing lights/are against LSD-like trips

Lesson #5: Japan is Weird

Way before I discovered Battle Royale or the used schoolgirl panty machine, I thought the Land of the Rising Sun was a perfectly normal, happy place. Pokemon shattered my PC-world view, and helped me realize Japan is probably one of the most messed up nation’s outside of Iraq (lol political humor).

The first thing that tipped me off about Japan’s Tom Cruise-levels of lunacy was the whole concept of Pokemon itself. Seriously, someone had to conjure the entire concept using their brain. A brain that thought a mime-like creature named Mr. Mime, for Christ’s sakes, was a good idea for a character. Being a naïve kid, I thought maybe the creator was on drugs, but experience has taught me that people on drugs just sit around all day watching episodes of Thundercats and making jokes like “CHEETARA MORE LIKE CHEECHTARA MAN LET’S LISTEN TO THE GRATEFUL DEAD.” So, somebody actually devoted functioning brain cells to the creation of Pokemon. That truly scares me.

But it was the Pokemon cartoon that truly convinced me that Japanese pop culture was more twisted than Andy Dick. Seriously, this show features a talking cat, a kid getting threatened with a gun, and a dude sporting breast implants in an effort to win a beauty pageant, or something. The pictures speak for themselves. If you think any of that is normal, I’m sure you also considered Jackass 2 to be a cinematic masterpiece and that Ray Romano is funny.

To be fair, Japan has given us really cool stuff too, like Godzilla and sumo wrestling. So, yeah Japan.

Lesson #6: People Suck

For every nerd who bought wheelbarrows of booster packs and dressed up as freakin’ Slowbro for Halloween, there were people who adamantly hated Pokemon because they were far too cool for it, and everyone who liked it was clearly lame and not nearly as neat as them because they listened to Blink-182 (It’s called “Enema of the State,” and this is hilarious because it involves the rectum).

What Pokemon made me realize is how judgmental people can be; instead of just letting us geeks play our games, tons of people went out of there way to let us know what we were doing was TOTALLY GAY and that we SUCKED. I still remember concealing a binder of cards at school as if it was a suitcase full of cocaine, afraid of what all the popular folks would say. The worst part was, most students sympathized with them; people really hated Pokemon, and thought everyone who enjoyed it would grow up to live in their parent’s basements, spending their days watching reruns of Quantum Leap while feasting on 7-Eleven nachos.

Pokemon was pretty silly, and it definitely over-saturated the world for awhile, but it still was very important to me. While others watched mind-numbing MTV and listening to NSYNC, I had Pokemon, and it helped me meet new people and broaden my admittedly pathetic Where’s Waldo world. The passionate Pokemon haters are still probably watching lame MTV shows and rocking to Justin Timberlake.

So, thanks again Pokemon, for making me a better person and providing some insight into this crazy world. I still hate Mr. Mime, though.