Five Awesome Drinking Games

5. Scene It?

No game offers more valuable knowledge then Scene It, the classic Medill 2020 approved multimedia game where players have to correctly answer trivia questions about classic pieces of cinema such as Rocky III or Dude, Where’s My Car? Thanks to Scene It, I now know the tagline to Weird Al Yankovich’s seminal film debut UHF is “TV as it was meant to be seen. In a movie theater.” I can feel my brain growing already.

Besides learning invaluable information such as who played Dr. Ziddel in Splash (answer: Howard Morris), Scene It offers up another essential inebriating element: you have to earn your shot. Most Scene It challenges call for you to watch a clip from a movie, and then answer an obscure question that may not even relate to the scene you just watched. For example, you may watch a clip of Steel Magnolias, and then be asked “How many pearls were on Dolly Parton’s necklace?” Or, you may watch a brief clip of The Shawshank Redemption and be asked “How many films were made in the ‘Ernest’ series?” Getting one of these brain-ticklers right is rare, and when you do, nothing tastes better than a nice shot of OHMYGODIT’SBURNINGMYTHROATWHY?

4. Super Smash Brothers Melee

What better way to enjoy a Friday evening than playing the finest fighting game of this generation, and capping off every victory with a shot of liquor? It may be nerdy, but battling the night away is a great way to have fun and get hammered (LOL THE HAMMER IS AN ITEM, AM I RIGHT?). Even if one player is constantly destroying everyone else using Marth (so cheap), he/she (doubtfully she) will eventually be too wasted to ward off your attacks/hold the controller/breathe. Plus, the pinnacle of drunken entertainment is watching your friend fly off the arena using Jigglypuff’s B roll attack because he saw a Mr. Saturn on the other side, and thought he was the Ice Climbers. If you understood that last sentence, you clearly aren’t drunk. Or have never been to Comic-Con.

3. Apples to Apples

One of the biggest draws of drinking in the first place is it provides the perfect alibi for acting like an asshole. If you hopped up and down on tables while screaming “SHOES!” or “ROFLMAO” or whatever the popular Internet joke is for the week, people would probably look at you and ponder why you aren’t in the local psychiatric ward. But if you behave in this manner after consuming several shots of rum, you are officially crowned the life of the party and a guy who lives on the edge! Plus, most people will probably blackout by the end of the night, forget everything you did, and wake up wondering how they managed to sleep so comfortably in a stranger’s bathtub.

Apples to Apples is a great drinking game because it allows players to say ridiculous things without having to don women’s clothing to make others laugh. Instead of declaring “I would totally put that in my mouth!,” all you need to do in Apples to Apples is make a ridiculous comparison between a noun and an adjective. Sober, accurate analogies would include “garbage is smelly” or “Madonna is old.” Drunk analogies, however, tend to be more along the lines of “traffic cones are sacrilegious” or “Barbara Bush is foxy.” Comedy gold! And everyone is guaranteed to giggle, because they don’t know what the hell is going on due to the fact that they now have a blood-alcohol level of PLEASEMAKETHEROOMSTOPSPINNING. Good times for all.

2. Ultimate Frisbee

You may be asking yourself “How in the world is that a good idea? Couldn’t I hurt myself?” And yes, it is a tad risky, and maybe not a Nobel-Prize winning idea, but take this into consideration: You have already INJESTED a liquid that EFFIN BURNS down your throat and ESSENTIALLY EMBALMS YOUR INSIDES, and which you most likely are drinking ILLEGALLY. WHY NOW WOULD YOU CARE ABOUT YOUR BODY AND PUBLIC DECENCY? SUCK IT UP AND THROWOFF YOU SUCKA.

Ultimate Frisbee under the influence is surprisingly fun, mainly because the difficulty level shoots up drastically. Whereas a normal game centers on “catching Frisbee” and “not letting them catch Frisbee,” drunken disk-hurling adds the wrinkles of “standing upright” and “not dying” to the list of skills required to win the game. Most importantly, actually catching a scoring pass in a disoriented condition is far more clutch than Montana to Clark , and will probably earn you a fair amount of fame. At least until everyone stops to vomit.

1. Chinese Checkers

Even though you can have tons of fun playing video games in a drunken haze or sloppily trying to catch a round piece of plastic, the very best drinking games are the laid back ones where you can have fun but still interact with your fellow drinkers. Chinese Checkers fits this description perfectly.

Of all the games I’ve ever played while tipsy, Chinese Checkers is my favorite, because it moves at a perfect pace and remains challenging. The basic idea of the game is to take a shot whenever you get a marble onto your opponent’s side; this is not an easy task, so you won’t be downing booze every six seconds and waking up 12 hours later outside White Hen, but you also won’t go prolonged periods without anything to drink.

Most importantly, Chinese Checkers is a very social game, so you can play and have deep discussions with all your “krunked” friends. And really, the most fun you can have drunk is talking with your friends. At least until the hangover kicks in.

Five Atrocious Drinking Games

5. Actual Movies

Whereas the above mentioned Scene It makes you feel good about yourself for not only earning a shot but also knowing obscure movie trivia, watching a film in order to drink is a test of patience. Sure, you may think it’s fun to watch Independence Day and take a shot every time Will Smith says “AW HELL NAW,” but where is the challenge in that? It’s like regular drinking, but instead of gossiping about who’s hooking up with who, you anxiously sit in your chair waiting for the Monty Python gang to say “the holy grail” again so you can have your second shot of Absolut. No fun at all.

(The exception to this is any movie where the quality of the film will improve tenfold if drunk, such as Howard the Duck or anything Zack Braff has ever been in.)

4. Any Game Involving Red Cups and Ping-Pong Balls

Unlike most undergrads, I detest games like Beerpong, Beirut or whatever the kids are calling that game where you throw things into a plastic cup. This hatred most likely stems from my severe dislike for every movie based on college ever, with the exception of Revenge of the Nerds, because the nerds beat the jocks, and this inspires me.

Maybe I don’t like any of these cup-centric games because they put too much pressure on winning. Drinking games aren’t supposed to be the equivalent of the Master’s, but rather more like a disjointed game of putt-putt golf, but with less windmills and more whiskey.

It’s completely possible that the PC side of me frowns upon these games because one of them is named after a city currently resembling an episode of The Flintstones.

But really, how could anyone like something that inspired a lame parody of a motivational poster? The worst part is somebody probably spent money for it…

3. Risk

It is impossible to play Risk and have a good time even if you are a Mormon missionary. It’s just impossible.

2. Any Game that has an On/Off Button, Makes Noises, or Comes in Several Pieces

For all you straight-edge kids reading this just to get a kick out of drunkards, I would like to let you know that, after consuming several alcoholic beverages, the world around you starts to get a little confusing, like you just stepped off a rollercoaster or watched an episode of Mr. T’s new show. Once, I tried to turn a light switch off in my room, but the light wouldn’t go off. I eventually realized I wasn’t pressing a switch, but rather a bush outside of Clarke’s.

It’s for this very reason any game more complicated than Boggle should probably be avoided by those consuming alcoholic beverages. When reality is blurred even slightly, on/off buttons become complicated codes only a hacker could decipher. The basic blipping sound of Catchphrase starts to sound like a Sufjan Stevens chorus, albeit with fewer mentions of serial killers. And games requiring construction falls apart fast: Mouse Trap, which already seems like a task only Bob Vila could pull off, feels like using cheese cubes to reconstruct the Taj Mahal when alcohol is added to the mix.
There’s a reason wasted people don’t wield much power; any task more complicated than “sit down in this chair” often ends in complete disaster.

1. Candyland

The whole point of drinking games is to obscure the fact students are just drinking to get ripped up. Face it; if someone knew you and your buddies sat in a darkened dorm room taking swigs out of a Jim Beam bottle, they would probably call you an alcoholic or a Mel Gibson-wannabe. But add Connect Four to the mix, and it’s just a good game with good friends, equaling a good time.

Not all games have this drunkard-deflecting characteristic; rather, some scream out “I need an AA meeting now.” Candyland yells it out the loudest.

For anyone who spent their childhood living in Antarctica, Candyland is the most basic board game in the history of the world. Designed for toddlers, the goal of Candyland is to get from the “Start” to the “Finish.” Players pick up a card with a color on it to determine where they move next. That’s it. The Wikipedia page for this game even says, “it requires no ability to read or count.” This game was designed so even Nicole Richie couldn’t become befuddled.

Candyland’s simplicity is the reason this is the worst possible drinking game imaginable. The few times I’ve witnessed it, players take shots whenever they move into a new area, like if I enter the realm of Lord Licorice, I get a shot of Grey Goose. Repeat until you reach “Finish”/give up to sleep.

What’s the point? If you play Candyland to get tipsy, you have a problem requiring immediate intervention. A drinking game is supposed to be a complement to the night’s festivities, an activity to get everyone involved and have a good time. Candyland doesn’t do any of these things; rather, Hasbro’s toddler-centric game is a vague excuse to hit your fix. Where’s the fun in that?
So, if someone tells you to get plastered via Candyland, reply that they might as well sit around drinking to Boohbah while chasing with Hi-C.

Cheers!