10. Speed Limit 69

This is a good costume to get our top ten going, because it illustrates all the characteristics that will land an outfit on this list. Keep in mind, this isn’t a collection of the worst costumes, but rather a handy reference of attire that will make you look like a complete asshole. Some people will laugh, but keep in mind these are the same people who shop at Spencer’s Gifts and talk completely in “Family Guy” quotes.

Speed Limit 69’s got it all: it’s overly simple for the sake of being simple, it’s got a sex joke people will only find comical if they still giggle at the word “duty,” and it’s being modeled by a guy who looks like he should be watching the keg over at Alpha Alpha Alpha house on Friday night. Honestly, does anyone find this funny? I still remember when I found out what “69” meant back in the seventh grade, and how it was funny — for about a month. So, unless you still listen to the Spice Girls and watch “Dawson’s Creek,” this lame costume isn’t for you.

9. ATM Man

Of all the inanimate objects to dress up as for Halloween, why an Automatic Teller Machine? Nobody would dress up as a Coinstar machine, but some brilliant dude probably bought this the moment he saw it.

ATM Man does come with biting social commentary. Look carefully, or you may miss that the money comes out of the man’s genital area. And note the Benjamin Franklin-clad skank grabbing at the money pile. Clearly, the deep meaning here is that females have turned us men into machines simply by grabbing at the vast stacks of money protruding from our groins.

Or maybe the message is nobody should wear a hat that says ATM when they are dressed as an ATM.

8. Napoleon Dynamite

HAY GUYS IS IT STILL FUNNY TO QUOTE THIS FILM IT’S SO FUNNY GIMME YOUR TOTS GOSH!

7. Captain Six Pack

Don’t get me wrong, I love The Simpsons as much as the next person with any trace of humor in them, but I’m willing to get rid of my Bort license plate to see this costume eradicated. Based off (or more aptly, ripped-off) of Matt Groeing’s much more hilarious Duff Man character, Captain Six Pack is for the costume wearer who is too lazy to put forth any effort in making an original costume but who still wants to make those with the IQ of butter laugh. And they also don’t want to be sued.

The Captain Six Pack outfit is most likely bought by the same guys who have framed pictures of Jack Daniel bottles in their living rooms and empty Absolut handles in their kitchen because college is all about getting wasted and pretending you’re Will Ferrell in Old School because that film is so funny… YUR MA BOY BLUE!!! Plus, those shades look more appropriate on the Terminator.

So, in simpler terms, Duff Man says, “OH NO.”

6. The Big Pink

If you haven’t noticed yet, there is a noticeable lack of women’s costumes on this list. This is because girls don’t really dress up for the spooky occasion, but rather just wear their sluttiest attire and go as such general characters as “schoolgirl” or “devil” or “Las Vegas hooker.”

So, this is the closest the feminine side is coming to this list, unfortunately. This get-up is particularly pathetic because it doesn’t even try; it’s just a vagina. It’s like the guy embedded in those fleshy folds has never heard of slang before. Why not go as a piece of rug? Or a pink taco? Both of those would have made you look like a total douche (heheheh), but at least you would be a creative douche, and not some nimrod wearing a suit shaped like someone’s pubic region.

Please, don’t dress up as a girl’s nether regions. Or else that’s the closest you’ll ever come to the big pink.

5. Jack Osbourne

Reality TV stars make terrible costumes. Nobody is dressing up as Joe Millionaire this Halloween season. Or that guy from Celebrity Fit Club. And hopefully, not like Richard Hatch . But somehow Jack Osboune wigs are sold out.

For those who (thankfully) missed MTV’s bizarre reality smash “The Osbournes,” Jack is metal-legend Ozzy Osbourne’s son, and a complete sponge. Whereas everyone else in the Osbourne clan did something on the show (hell, even Kelly tried to sing), Jack would sit around all day playing computer games and yelling at the family dogs. He would sometimes go outside, usually to yell at the dogs some more, but that was about it. Jack Osbourne may be the worst character to ever appear on a TV show, at least since Cousin Oliver. Since the show ended its run, nobody has seen Jack, probably because he hasn’t left his four-sided estate.

Of all the Z-list celebrities to dress up as, Jack Osbourne may be the worst. Were they out of Gilbert Godfried suits? This may have gotten a chuckle four years ago, but now most people will think you are just some confused punk-kid who stumbled into a Halloween party. If you have even the slightest urge to dress up as this urchin, you best act like him and lock yourself in your room and just play World of Warcraft on the 31st.

4. Animal House Toga

Since Animal House is the defining college film of all time, it’s not terribly surprising that the toga get-up is an October staple. It’s unoriginal and a sign you just realized Halloween is two days away, but it’s not that horrible.

This costume, however, pushes the Bluto boundary to new extremes. For all those who have never been to the Norris Poster Sale and not seen the zillion different posters featuring John Bellushi wearing his ever annoying “college” shirt , this costume features an actual picture of the celebrity. Just in case you weren’t positive who you were going as. But wait! If you press down on his bloaty face, the famous “toga, toga…” chant starts playing.

Given that college students are prone to quoting whatever wacky quote they heard on [insert popular TV show here], it’s truly bizarre to think someone has to wear a talking pin in order to vocalize about three words of dialogue. By wearing this terrible toga, you are basically saying “I’m an unoriginal person who also lacks the energy to speak please press my badge for comedy gold.” Next time, just get the toga and some cue cards.

3. Dick Cheney

Hey, do you remember when Dick Cheney shot that guy when he was hunting? Wasn’t that a knee-slapper every time you heard about it? Remember all those hilarious Jay Leno jokes, his first new material since “Oval office? More like ORAL office am I right?” It’s still so fresh and funny, even nine months after, right guys?

It was funny for two weeks, but anyone who still gets immense pleasure out of Cheney accidentally shooting a guy probably hasn’t picked up a newspaper since. So, this costume is just a punchline told about 15 minutes after the actual joke. IT’S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE. Not to mention whoever manufactured this vice-presidential puke-stain was apparently unaware that DICK CHENEY WAS NOT THE TARGET, IT WAS THE OTHER GUY SHOOTING THE QUAIL. So please, do what every other Letterman-wannabe should do, and keep this stale joke away on Halloween.

2. Mammogram Man

Halloween is a great time to not only procure some delicious candy, but also cop a feel via stupid costumes. This is why people spend money on Female Body Inspector t-shirts and Kissing Booth costumes that just scream out “Hey ladies, pay some attention to the funny man with the wacky costume ah yeah.”

Mammogram Man pushes an already sketchy subject into a whole new realm of creepy. With most of these “please shower me with love I’m lonely oh god” costumes, there is at least an illusion of sexiness; when I see someone wearing a “Bikini Inspector” shirt, I at least picture buxom Baywatch babes running slow-mo down a beach. With a Mammogram, I picture 50-year old women who resemble Cathy waiting silently in a hospital while reading old copies of Good Housekeeping. Not exactly the sexiest of scenarios.

There’s no better way of saying “I’m a total creepy jerkface” than walking around dressed up as something a typical watcher of The View goes to the doctor for every year. That’s just nasty.

1. “Simple” costumes like this

Remember in elementary school when those kids who were lazy/uncreative/poor would show up to class wearing their regular clothes and say they were dressed up as a student? Didn’t you just want to whack those little twerps in the head with a rolling pin? Well, here’s the college equivalent.

Quick synopsis: these costumes are simply t-shirts with a single word written on them, and maybe another piece of attire. Some include props straight out of the Chuck E. Cheese prize bin, including eye-patches and vampire teeth. Others are slightly more intricate, usually coming with an animal head and a shirt branded with wacky words like “beaver” or “cock.” The very peak of hilarity, I say!

I really can’t express just how stupid these costumes are. Do you really think you are that witty by simply wearing a shirt with a single word on it? This “costume” simply shows that you laugh at the obvious (lol a chair) and that you have zero creativity.

Your shirt might as well say “giant nimrod” if you think this is funny. The hat could be David Hasselhoff.

Have a happy Halloween, and check your candy for syringes !