Why Justin Long is the worst person of the year
Face it. 2006 has already been one of the most annoying years ever.
This summer was unbearable, forcing nearly everyone in the continental United States to park their air conditioners on the “meat locker” setting. Crash, a glorified after-school special about racism featuring Ludacris, somehow won the Oscar for Best Picture. Fidel Castro won’t die. Plus, Kevin Federline released a pop album.
So what could possibly stand out as the number one annoyance in a year that gave us both Fergie’s “Fergalicious” and a resurgent David Hasselhoff?
Whenever I see Justin Long’s face pop up on my TV screen, I go into an uncontrollable rage, which often ends in me smashing one or more valuable objects into tiny pieces. You’ve seen his arrogant smirk in two of the most patience-testing pieces of media this year: those Mac ads and Accepted.
Let’s focus on the first damning piece of evidence. All year long, Mac computer ads have been played every other commercial break. In the spots, a PC, personified by a dorky middle-aged man, and a Mac, played by a hip-looking Long, discuss which of the machines are better. In every ad, the severely-awkward PC, played by Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, fails in comparison to the much wittier Long.
The first irking aspect of these ads is that they are more dishonest than anybody who says Kevin Federline has talent. Each commercial pushes wacky claims about PCs that aren’t true. In one clip, after the PC points out how helpful iTunes is when listening to “slow jams” (since anyone who uses a PC could never listen to “cool” music), the smug Mac points out all the awesome programs he comes equipped with. All the PC can boast about is his calculator function.
Now, maybe computers in third-world countries only come with a calculator (though I’m sure they could squeeze Minesweeper in too), but most PCs here aren’t so primitively put together.
In a subsequent spot, Long extols all the fun his hardware can provide, while the PC can muster only a black-and-white pie chart. The implication is that PC’s are slightly less colorful than I Love Lucy. In other ads, the PC catches a virus or freezes, comes disassembled in a billion different boxes (maybe in the 1970’s), and are so dumb they think Japanese is Italian. Mama mia, Hirohito.
Besides the blatant fibs, this series of commercials is just plain illogical. Shouldn’t we be rooting for the PC? He’s the underdog. He’s the lovable loser, the guy we want to see save the day and get the glory.
Justin Long, however, is the least likeable commercial character since the Noid. He carries around the Wall Street Journal and thinks he’s witty. He’s the annoying hipster with stubble you just can’t escape.
If Justin Long had decided to only take part in the Mac ads, and then faded away to work on a sequel to Waiting, he wouldn’t be the focus of this article. But Mr. Long didn’t know when to stop, and thus the world was cursed with Accepted.
Now, Accepted isn’t the worst movie of the year (I’m looking at you, Phat Girlz), but it’s up there. Accepted tells the tale of young Bartelby, played by Long, a high-school graduate who creates a fake college featuring skateboards and scantily-clad women.
I went into Accepted expecting an hour-and-a-half of “big meat” jokes; what I got was that mixed with elements of Camp Nowhere (haha fake camp) and Animal House (haha college), but without the funny. The movie starts with Long making fake IDs for his chums, until the vice principal busts his criminal ring. But the Macintosh outsmarts his dopey administrator by capitalizing on the vice principal’s frequent masturbation. A sticky situation to say the least.
Long’s character may be smart enough to distribute phony IDs and come up with wacky retorts, but he is apparently not smart enough to get into any college (he couldn’t even get into Ohio State). Not only is he a reprise of the Mac guy, but he’s also a total idiot. I’m supposed to root for him?
In the end, Long’s pseudo-school manages to receive a one-year probation, everyone at S.H.I.T is happy. And a car explodes. I didn’t make any of that up.
Long’s Bartelby is both criminally stupid and annoying, and his friends aren’t remotely appealing either. So, do I root for the evil fraternity trying to destroy S.H.I.T? Of course not! Lewis Black? Maybe. But his comedic formula of “outrageous topic plus yelling equals funny” doesn’t work for long. Nobody wins. There isn’t even a cute animal to cheer for.
This is why Justin Long is the most annoying person of 2006: he’s the face of one of the most horrid ad campaigns of the year, and the face of one of the worst movies of the year. Nothing could top the attrocities Long represents, not even a remix of “My Humps.” Let’s just hope Mr. Long discovers a more quiet occupation in 2007, like human test-subject.
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Hate Patrick St. Michel? You'll definitely hate his top 10 costumes that make you look like a jerk. He also said the Borat movie gave a more "accurate portrayal of America’s problems than any documentary of this decade." And he once ate a hamburger with four patties of meat. Or you can return home.
“Now, Accepted isn’t the worst movie of the year (I’m looking at you, Phat Girlz), but it’s up there.”
um… excuse me?
Spencer Kornhaber
November 6, 2006 at 3:56 pm
I agree with Spencer, and disagree with you re: Phat Girlz.
Need I remind you of “Employee of the Month,” starring the equally-grating Dane Cook?
Jason
November 6, 2006 at 5:37 pm
I actually have considered “Emplyee of the Month,” and it’s up there. But honestly, “Phat Girlz” is truly mind-boggling to me.
Patrick
November 6, 2006 at 6:15 pm
Excuse me, did you just dis “Phat Girlz”? I hardly knew ye…
I actually enjoyed “Accepted” by the way – it wasn’t a very well-written movie by any means, but definitely enjoyable.
Nomaan
November 6, 2006 at 11:13 pm
Different strokes for different folks, I suppose. My biggest problem may be Justin Long’s face. I can’t deny that.
Patrick
November 7, 2006 at 1:47 am
Let me just say that if a movie worse than Little Man, I’m surprised there wasn’t a riot at every screening of it. That movie was so patently offensive, poorly done, and awkwardly animated, I constantly struggled between wild confusion, pitiless rage, and a somewhat oblivious stupor.
Also, I would love to see a Microsoft rebuttal to those Mac ads where they point out that as cool as Macs are, you’re still paying a 20% premium for a sleek white box that can’t play video games for shit.
Tommy Rousse
November 7, 2006 at 2:24 am
Hey, I agree with most of what you’re saying man, but the shot at Crash disturbs me. That was a film that was beautifully shot, hypnotically and rhythmically edited, and impressively performed by a large cast of fine actors (fyi Ludacris isn’t the only one in that movie – and besides, he’s pretty good). It captured the voice of common, imperfect people better than any film i’ve seen. It takes a mature, realistic, albeit bleak look at how we handle the difficult issue of racism – how it begins, how it is allowed to survive, and how it can ultimately lead to tragedy. Obviously, you’re entitled to your opinion, but realize there are those of us who really enjoy and were affected that movie, so consider giving it another chance. Honestly, if that movie’s not good, what is?
Matt Mckenna
November 8, 2006 at 12:07 am
I do understand a fair amount of people really like the Crash (actually, most people I know do really like it), but I wasn’t a fan. I will give you that it was shot well, and the acting was OK (I’m sorry, but I’ll never be able to take Ludacris seriously in any median after “Ho”), but I thought the film beat the viewer over the head with the fact it’s about racism. Really, I couldn’t stand that the major themes were just thrown out there. Be a little more subtle! I really thought the movie just treated racism like an After-School Special, in that they didn’t even try to be creative. Of course, everyone can enjoy what they want, but there are plenty of people who dislike Crash as much as me. If it’s worthy of the Best Picture Oscar, Paris Hilton should win a Grammy.
Patrick
November 8, 2006 at 12:42 am
http://www.radaronline.com/exclusives/2006/11/apple-ditches-mac-guy-in-new-ads.php
This article should make you happy.
Jenn
November 8, 2006 at 3:11 pm
There is justice in this world
Patrick
November 9, 2006 at 12:58 pm
good god, remind me never to go on the internet again – somebody forwarded me that radaronline article which brought me here. i don’t know what to say without sounding defensive which may just give you another reason to find me so annoying. i’d say “you don’t have to watch the commercials” but i guess they’re on alot – but you really didn’t have to watch “accepted” – but then i guess you wouldn’t have had enough fodder for your “article”. anybody with a “Saint” in their name, especially when it’s followed by a “michel” is hard to take seriously. but i get it buddy, you think i’m annoying – why i’m so annoying you didn’t really delve into but ok – it just seems like kind of a juvenille, shallow critique of someone’s on-screen persona to just say they’re “annoying” over and over. then again, i AM responding to it – those annoying moments of weakness. now i’m even annoying myself. you didn’t like “crash”? i was kind of glad you said that actually because if someone whose taste i respected had written an entire article about how annoying i was that would have been pretty awful. are you saying you didn’t like “crash” at all or it just wasn’t good enough to win the oscar. where do you stand on “capote” – did you like that? i agree with your “fergie” comment – and i get that you find me annoying – but i guess i’m sort of baffled and maybe even slightly masochistically flattered that i could be THE most annoying person. not to be too defensive, but you realize i don’t write those commercials right? nor do i dress or syle myself or come up with their concept or general outline. “accepted” was a role i was playing that was also not written by me. i have to say, now that i’m ofiicially rambling and ranting, that all this “mac-guy backlash” is so insane to me because i completely agree with the idea that “mac guy” is smug and proud – thats kind of the idea. i always root for the underdog myself and john plays that guy perfectly – he’s lovable and funny and frankly, thats what the mac guy character should be. but there are people who get paid alot more than i do who are pulling those strings and painting those pictures – i’m just an actor patrick st. michel – i show up and do my job and then douchebags like you write about it – thats the way of things i guess – its out of my hands. which makes me wonder (and you too, i’m sure) why i’m writing all this. i think part of it has to do with my own ego-based curiosity in someone’s hatred for me and part of it has to do with the fact that it’s 7 am and i’ve been up all night shooting a “die hard” movie and i’m deliriously tired. then there’s the part of me that just wants to defend myself against the anonymous onslaught of criticism – mostly about things beyond my control. as an actor, you take the jobs when and where they come – we’re carnies. i’m just grateful to be working – i’m sorry you find me annoying and feel the need to write about it – i’m sorry i feel the need to respond. but at the end of the day, patrick, i’m doing what i love to do and i hope that you’re able to do the same one day. who knows, maybe you’re doing that now – maybe writing unfunny, juvenille “articles” about how annoying some actor is is what you do love to do. i kind of hope not- but if it is, congrats and keep up the good work. i support you. justin “annoying” long
Justin Long
November 12, 2006 at 10:22 am
wait, i just read your response to somebody that said “honestly, my biggest problem with justin long is his face”. you fascinate me patrick st. michel – not only because of your undeniable hatred for me and how insanely unfunny and pretentious you sound but mostly because of how unfocused and trivial alot of your hatred for me is. the internet is scary and great because it gives angry kids like you with not a lot of talent and tons of sexually repressed drive an outlet for their thoughts – like how annoying some not-so-famous actor is. well pal, i’d love to meet you, because, like i said, and this is probably really narcissistic, but you kind of fascinate me. can’t wait to read your profoundly wry treatise on which celebrity you most want to have sex with. i still can’t get over that you’d refer to my character as snobby and pretentious in the mac commercials and then in the same “piece” comment on my character in “accepted” by saying “he couldn’t even get into ohio state…he’s a total idiot” – not snobby or pretentious at all – THAT coupled with the fact that, as i mentioned earlier and can’t stop laughing about, your name is Patrick St. Michel. Patrick St. Michel! i’m wondering if you’re maybe projecting a little Pat? or maybe you just need to get laid? or maybe you should start saving all your great material and become pat o’brien’s comedy writer on “access hollywood”. either way, i’m now a die-hard fan of yours – you’ve won me over – i’m hooked and i swear to god i’m not even being sarcastic. you got me, st. michel! why? cause i’m a masochist and when you see a lack of honesty in lots of positive interactions with strangers its kind of oddly comforting to feel some true, unabashed negativity in one – especially when his name is Patrick St. Michel. keep it real and keep it alive, you negative, pretentious angel.
Justin Long
November 12, 2006 at 11:02 am
Hey, so I thought about your criticism of Crash, and then went and watched it again (twice actually). To me, saying that movie is “about racism” is like saying Schindler’s List is “about the holocaust” or that Gladiator is “about ancient Rome”. Of course the film isn’t subtle about it’s connection to the issue of racism – that connection is key to the plot. This film is about much more than that though. It’s about how people consider and handle difficult topics like this. It’s about how we deal with each other and how things like racism are allowed to exist. It comes down to a difference of viewpoint. No, it’s not the most subtle of movies, but you know what? It’s also not afraid to shove issues that most people don’t want to think about right out into the open and force you to consider them. As far as the acting, I couldn’t disagree more. We need more films that will tackle this issue as fearlessly as this one. This is probably one of the best acted movies that I’ve ever seen (seriously, Sandra Bullock, Terrence Howard, and Thandie Newton are particularly amazing in this flick). You’re more than entitled to your opinion, obviously, and I’m not going to beat this issue to death any more. One final thought: if you ever watch it again, consider this: who (which characters) in this film could you honestly label as a racist? It’s tougher to label them then you might think, and it just might make you appreciate the shades of grey in the film more. There, now I’ve written way too much and I’m going to drop it. Good times.
Matt Mckenna
November 12, 2006 at 9:55 pm
Give me a break Justin Long. Any actor with true “celebrity” knows that putting oneself in the public means taking criticism. It doesn’t matter whether or not I agreed with Patrick’s article, but your reaction to it was extremely juvenile. The article was ONE person’s opinion of you. If you’re looking for everyone to like you, you’re in for a long, extremely long, haul. I still have enormous difficulty believing that this person commenting on the article was really Justin Long. If you’ve decided to react to every single piece of condemnation that is on the Internet about you, I don’t think you’ll have enough time to do another Apple commercial. Is making extremely childish remarks about an article really going to further you as an actor? I don’t know if I agreed with Patrick’s article until you decided to comment on it. Grow up Justin Long.
Rachel Aguiar
November 12, 2006 at 10:17 pm
lolz justin long
You amuse us.
Adrienne Shon
November 12, 2006 at 11:37 pm
Can we get an internet detective on this? Either this really is Justin Long, or someone went to a shit ton of trouble getting details right. Also, I would easily read this outloud for a multimedia article in the most outraged/attempting to-stay-cool tone imaginable.
Tommy Rousse
November 13, 2006 at 12:37 am
Hooray Justin Long! You kind of just made my day. As far as I’m concerned, anybody who was in Britney Spears’ “Crossroads” as well as “Galaxy Quest” qualifies as super awesome.
That said, “Crash” was quite possibly the saddest piece of shit I have ever seen. But it was written and directed by a white guy from from Canada, so I wasn’t expecting all that much. Anybody else not surprised that he used to write for “Diff’rent Strokes”?
(As in, “What you TALKIN’ bout, Willis?”).
“Crash” barely even touches on institutionalized racism. It was obviously the brainchild of someone who had never experienced racism firsthand. And it doesn’t just LACK subtlety–the characters are flatter than the midwest.
Sad piece of shit. Nothing else.
Jessi Knowles
November 13, 2006 at 1:25 am
The clear problem here is the Pseudo-Fascist-Idiot who is promoting the subsidization of Iowan corn farmers in his article that bashes Crash to start an argument and gain a smug sense of self-satisfaction from hearing the sound of his own keystroke clicks while he listens to Rush Limbaugh. It is pointless argument raising that makes this entire situation redundantly idiotic, the other problem I have is with Justin Long taking out his clearly misplace rage on some student, who clearly either ate paint chips as a kid or lived under power lines, it is the battle between the feeble, picking a fight only for the sake of fighting, it is so ridiculous. Why would you get into a business of show and play losery underdogs and then be upset by people thinking you are one-dimensional and annoying. More importantly, why would you write about it?
Ben Frevert
November 13, 2006 at 1:57 am
Hm. I’ve really enjoyed the Justin Long characters I’ve seen, but as an actor, I can’t even imagine being truly offended by the remarks of a college student. So, I guess it’s really cool you got Justin to write back, Patrick. Promoting discussion is what journalism’s all about, whether you’re right or wrong. Though right’s usually preferable. Mazel tov.
Benjamin Singer
November 13, 2006 at 3:30 am
Wow! I can just see it now….
“Yeah, baby, I’m that MAC guy, you want to come up and get some coffee?”
Give me a break.
Justin Long, maybe you just need to get laid.
Rebecca Sitter
November 13, 2006 at 10:15 am
“the mac folks just gave me a new computer – or, i should say, they gave it to me about five months ago, but i just got it hooked up” -Justin Long on his site at http://www.justinlong.net/ubbthreads7/ubbthreads.php
So he promoted a product he hadn’t used, great, now I realize that he is at fault for all of these arguments, Justin Long is what is driving us apart, he is at fault, his acting couldn’t have been realistic because he had never even bothered to do the incredible complicated task of setting up an apple computer (sarcasm). He even called Apple, “mac folks”, so apparently doesn’t look at the checks he is getting from APPLE.
My comments are to no way reflect poorly on John Hodgman, costar of the apple commercials (he is the PC), who clearly has used a computer to make the wonderful tables and charts (remember PC are good at that) in his book “The Areas of My Expertise”, available wherever fine books are sold. God bless America, and my it stand despite Justin Long’s campaign to divide us, be strong nation.
Ben Frevert
November 13, 2006 at 5:23 pm
Hey, guys, let’s be nice. Justin Long may be a celebrity, and he may have oodles more money than any of us, but that doesn’t mean he’s invincible. Bashing people on the internet sucks. It sucks if you’re in high school, it sucks if you’re in college, and it sucks if you’re a successful hollywood actor.
Anyway, I’ve never found Justin Long remotely annoying. Maybe it’s because I love my PowerBook, or because I’m super jealous that he’s co-starring with Bruce Willis in Die Hard 4, but I don’t see anything that would qualify him as the most annoying person of 2006.
Most of you guys are journalists, and so this is what you do. You try to write controversial pieces and garner readership. Just be careful how you go about it. If I ever become successful in the entertainment industry, I’ll tolerate criticisms of my work, but I hope no one ever writes an entire article about how annoying I am.
Hannah
November 13, 2006 at 6:33 pm
If you hate Crash, fine, you’re clearly not alone and you’re more than entitled to your opinion. I am absolutely not picking a fight or anything. Can I just say this though: I tried to be as respectful and thoughtful as I could in disagreeing with Patrick about Crash and then telling him why. He then responded with an equally respectful and thought out comment. I feel sorta like you’re just trashing it now. Haggis has done more than just “Diff’rent Strokes” in his career – like say, being the first person to write two back-to-back Best Picture winners (“Million Dollar Baby” and “Crash”). What’s this about him being a white guy from Canada? IF you really believe that white men can’t or aren’t capable of writing honest, effective scripts about racism or related topics, then i guess you really did miss most of the message of that movie. “Sad piece of shit”? Er, it’s not exactly supposed to be a comedy. As for “barely touching on institutionalized racsim”, I don’t necessary agree with that, but besides that I don’t really believe that racism is the key issue in that film. It’s more about how people relate to one another and handle their tough situations. That brings me to the characters being “flatter than the midwest” comment. See, I really believe the individual characters aren’t what’s important. It’s how they work as a cast and relate and deal with one another. That’s what I really think we’re meant to focus on. For instance, the persian store clerk and the latino locksmith: apart, they’re just cogs in the wheel…but placed together, they make up one of the most powerful scenes ive ever seen in a film (if you’ve seen this movie, you should know which scene im referring to…hint: it’s near the end, and it involves the locksmith’s daughter). Okay, as you can probably tell, I love this movie, but I’m going to drop this now. I would just encourage everyone who didn’t like this movie to give it another shot, try to really think about it, and if you still hate it then that’s cool too.
Matt Mckenna
November 13, 2006 at 9:36 pm
I’ve hidden the comments that aren’t really talking about the subject of the original article and instead were devolving into flame wars. Let’s stick to flaming either Patrick St. Michel or Justin Long, okay?
Spencer Kornhaber
November 13, 2006 at 11:53 pm
Well, I have a lot to reply to, so let’s get started.
To Justin Long:
If you aren’t really Justin Long but some deranged fan posing as said actor, I am amazed at the amount of free time you have.
If you are Justin Long, I want to thank you for taking the time to read my article and replying to it. Obviously, nobody enjoys reading a piece calling them “annoying,” but I’m glad you took the time to both read it and respond to it.
Understandably, you should be peeved that I wrote a story claiming you are “the most annoying person of the year.” I would like to point out, however, that this is my opinion, an opinion I am entitled to and an opinion that, in all honesty, isn’t all that damning. I am but a lowly college students, crammed into my tiny dorm room, hunched over my laptop typing out whatever story idea comes to mind. If you check the other articles I’ve written for this site, you will see I have penned pieces about Pokemon, Borat and cheeseburgers. I’m not exactly Bob Woodward.
Even though I criticized you, I feel your reaction to my piece is a bit harsh. I wield no actual power; me knighting you “most annoying person of 2006” is like some grungy-haired fellow screaming out “PANTERA IS THE BEST BAND EVA!!!” at a concert. We aren’t actually setting anything in stone, we are simply sharing our opinion. The only difference is that I have an outlet to express my thoughts. If there really was a Most Annoying Person of the Year Award, and you did receive it, you could be legitimately outraged. But for now, the only guy calling you “annoying” is a college sophomore desperately scrounging for quarters to do his laundry. Really, my opinion of all opinions shouldn’t unnerve you.
I do want to clarify a few aspects of this story.
First off, I want to clear up my comments about your face; I am not criticizing your actual physical appearance (trust me, I would never judge another man’s face when there are days I resemble Sloth from The Goonies), but rather the frequency in which I see said face. Also, I am aware that you (probably) aren’t like any of the characters you portray in your work, but you still portray the characters. Thus, I consider you annoying, though I may actually be complimenting your acting skills, since you portray very annoying characters. And finally, I am aware I didn’t have to see Accepted, but it’s a piece of media put out for the public to see, and I decided to see it. I went in as unbiased as possible (I won’t lie, seeing that kid in the Hot Dog suit saying “ASK ME ABOUT MY WIENER” roughly ever other commercial probably didn’t help), and left disappointed. Simple as that.
My article has one purpose; to entertain. This is not serious at all. I just wanted to try and make a couple people laugh by mentioning “Fergalicious” and some masturbation jokes. Never in my wildest dreams did I think the actual Justin Long would read my story. I would have been happy if a guy named Jason read the article. I never intended this to be a scathing review of Justin Long the person, but rather an entertaining piece where you were the unfortunate star (seriously, consider a different agent).
So, I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings with my article, but it was all in good-fun, and in no way truly serious. I certainly feel you didn’t have to call me a “douchebag” (besides, that word is terribly overplayed) or that I should write for Pat O’Brien (the man is funny enough. Have you not heard the tape where he wants to do crack with the prostitute? Comedy gold!). I am flattered by your fascination with me, even though I’m baffled by your detest for my name (it’s quite a proud French name). Especially when you consider the paradox of your name, given you have such a short fuse.
So, thanks again for reading my article and responding to it, but I truly think you are overreacting. As an actor, I’m sure you will receive much harsher criticism from people whose opinions carry much more weight than some kid who thinks Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure is one of the greatest achievements in cinema history. You aren’t going to be able to sling insults at them. I hope you can learn something from this.
Also, I am genuinely excited about Die Hard 4. I am a fan of these films, and I hope the latest installment is good.
Patrick St. Michel
(PS – You use way to many quote marks. It gets repetitive after a while.)
(PSS – I am a gentlemen, and thus would never disclose which women I am fond of in a physical manner.)
To everyone regarding Crash (including Justin Long),
As I noted in a prior post, many people love the film Crash. I am not one of them, but I understand that people can enjoy any film they want. This is why I love movies, music, TV, books, etc., because everyone can like what they want AND hate what they want. So, let’s not fight about Crash, and just accept that some people like the movie while others don’t.
Oh, and Mr. Long, I never actually saw Capote, so I can’t comment on it (unlike Accepted), but my favorite movie of last year was Good Night and Good Luck. This is because I’m a journalism nerd.
To Ben Frevert:
Are you calling me a Republican because I don’t like Crash? Seriously, what the hell? Really, I just don’t like the recent Ludacris (I swear if I hear “Moneymaker” one more time….), which is not a hot-button political issue. And I would never listen to Rush Limbaugh. EVER.
And we get the sarcasm in the last post, we didn’t eat paint chips as children.
Though I did live near power lines….
Patrick
November 14, 2006 at 12:33 am
best comment so far. for the record, I don’t think you’re a republican for not liking Crash….and Good Night and Good Luck was a wicked good movie
Matt Mckenna
November 14, 2006 at 12:39 am
Great comment, Patrick. I think you handled that really well.
Eri Okuma
November 14, 2006 at 1:55 am
Yeah, Ben Frevert implied the Crash-Republican thing. Your comments were very chill and insightful. And I’m glad you like Good Nigh and Good Luck
Patrick
November 14, 2006 at 2:59 am
patrick – you did handle that well – i handled it like an idiot. i’ve read more negative shit about myself in the last week than i ever thought i’d hear in my life (not that i have that high an opinion of myself). clearly, i’m not used to it and clearly i should get used to it. i happened upon your article after someone forwarded me an inaccurate piece on radar.com that said i was getting canned as the “mac guy” (sorry, but i am doing more) – and a quote was given by a representative of mine whose since been let go stating that i was “a movie star and not a commercial actor” or some ridiculous thing like that. i had read (and i don’t know why- like i said, i normally try to avoid the internet altogether because my skin is so thin) a ton of negative reaction to that quote which brought me to your article. i have NEVER even been tempted to respond to something like that – you read it, you forget it, and you go on with your life. for some reason, i don’t know if it my deliriousness from not having slept and working too much or my mounting frustration over the radar misquote but when i read your article i couldn’t help but respond. maybe because it was one of the most blatantly hateful things i had read with no actual criticism beyond the pretty superficial (i.e. i’m annoying and you don’t like my face) but something about it struck me as such schoolyard bullying (the journalistic equivilent of taking some defenseless kid’s lunch money) that i felt the need to retaliate. the problem with this is that just in doing so i immediately become as juvenille and immature as the thing i’m taking issue with and to make matters worse i resorted to blatant name-calling (ie “douchebag”). a day later when the fog cleared and i realized what i’d done i myself felt like a douchebag (and you’re right that word is a little played but i’ll always love it). i’m sorry i engaged you – i really should never have responded in the first place. but when you say that you’re but a “lowly college student” – hey man, that was me a few years ago. i don’t feel like some celebrity – there is no handbook for how to behave when people start recognizing you. part of me still has that natural instinct to defend myself when i read shit like that – as you would as any students reading this would. i thank god i get to do what i do for a living because i love it so much (as annoying as it might be to you) but sometimes i envy you for getting to be a lowly college student holed up in some old dorm room. i know that last comment along with plenty of others i’ve made is going to inspire even more negativity comin’ my way and i guess the lesson you’ve taught me, patrick – just suck it up, douchebag. i really feel like a shitheel for going on that rant – one day soon i’m gonna make my way out to northwestern and i’m going to buy you a beer. i promise i’ll try my best not to annoy you. good luck, pal. justin st long
Justin Long
November 14, 2006 at 11:16 am
I still hate it.
The whole thing just rings false. It’s one man’s view of what racism is really like, and as far as I’m concerned he just got it wrong. It seemed like the misplaced result of one of those “Wow, everyone IS racist!” epiphanies. It’s not that white men are incapable of writing about racism–but this one is particularly ill qualified and it shows.
And it IS supposed to be about racism, but it lacks any subtlety and the characters are all extreme caricatures. As for institutionalized racism, “Crash” only examines racism on the individual level (very implausibly, I might add–nobody in L.A. would really say some of the things that are said in this movie…think them, maybe). But I wouldn’t expect a Hollywood movie to examine the real core sources of racism, mostly because racist institutions (i.e. schools and the military) are a whole lot less compelling than racist individuals.
What “Crash” ignores is that individuals are not the problem. The institutions that mold the individuals are the real issue.
As for the scene with the locksmith’s daughter-come on. That’s not powerful social commentary, that’s cliched emotional garbage.
P.S. I hated Million Dollar Baby too. We’ll just have to agree to disagree.
Jessi Knowles
November 14, 2006 at 4:02 pm
You spelled juvenile wrong.
David S.
November 15, 2006 at 4:40 am
What I object to the most is your slamming of Fergie, not once but TWICE. She may be an uggo but girl can ROCK HER SHIT.
I’d like to see you write a song like Fergalicious.
(But you know I love you)
Angelica
November 15, 2006 at 9:37 pm
The song Fergalicious has a decent beat later on, but it really is not that great. Maybe I’m against made up words, but I can’t stand that song.
Though it may be better than London Bridge….
Patrick
November 15, 2006 at 10:33 pm
Thanks again. I’m actually glad you read and responded to this article. I truly understand why you would reply to this piece; I think most people (myself included) would defend themselves, and am glad you did. Again, I never really meant any true harm with this piece; I just wrote it for entertainment sakes. I really appreciate this reply, because it is very sincere and respectful of you to do. I wish you great success in all your current and future projects, and appreciate the beer offer. I would definitely get you a drink too…uh, once I turn 21 that is. Another drawback of being a college student.
Patrick St. Michel
Patrick
November 15, 2006 at 11:02 pm
OH SNAP Oh Snap oh snap…
:)
Emily Hoffman
November 16, 2006 at 3:12 pm
Ok boys and girls, hate to burst your bubble, but Justin Long DID NOT write those comments. Hate to say it Patrick, but Justin has too many better things to do than worry about what you have to say about him.
The rest of you, please! If you haven’t figured out how many lies and impersonators there are on the internet it’s time you woke up in a big way.
You all need to knock it off and move on.
One who knows
November 21, 2006 at 6:34 pm
THE US NEVER WENT TO THE MOON, ALSO, YOU CRACKPOTS
Tommy Rousse
November 21, 2006 at 7:20 pm
Thank you for this overwhelming and clearly defined evidence proving your point. Your time and effort in debunking this are greatly appreciated.
Patrick
November 21, 2006 at 7:22 pm
One more thing and then I will disappear back into obscurity where I belong.
Patrick, I in no way have a problem with what you wrote. Everyone has an opinion and you are surely entitled to yours. My problem was with the person who decided to represent himself or herself as Justin Long. That just got my goat.
Justin Long is a really kind, polite and self depricating kind of guy. He would have never written those words.
Thanks for letting me set the record straight.
One who knows
November 22, 2006 at 8:06 am
How do we know Justin Long didn’t just say it wasn’t Justin Long, although “One who knows” did give great evidence, their second comment leads me to believe that Justin Long is really the “One who knows”, because who else would really know, ya know?
The republican/Iowan corn farmer reference was to the author’s Castro hating and embargo on the fields of Cuban sugarcane that keep high fructose corn syrup prices artificially elevated: clearly you are not a golfer.
Ben Frevert
November 22, 2006 at 10:59 am
There are other people in Justin’s life that would know. So no, I am no Justin Long. You’ll just have to trust me. I would say who I am but if I did, at best I would be teased unmercifully for years for allowing myself to get caught up in this and at worst people I care about might even be terribly annoyed. Besides I couldn’t “prove” it anyway could I?
One who knows
November 22, 2006 at 11:38 am
Why were the personal attack comments hidden for an article that is a personal attack?
Mr. One who knows: I don’t see the point in believing an anonymous person saying someone else is an impostor. Just convince him to tap his left ring finger during the next apple ad. Even if you do know him, I would assume you are a decepticon like him. Finally, if Justin Long is a good guy then why would he tease you “unmercifully for years”, or allow you to be by those around you?
Ben Frevert
November 22, 2006 at 9:55 pm
Saying I would be teased unmercifully for years is a figure of speech and Justin IS a really good kid.
I also realize that there’s no way to convince anyone that I know what I’m talking about.
I knew this issue would come up and I tried to think of somehow to prove myself but of course I can’t. I can’t even prove myself by telling people to ask me a question that only someone who knows Justin could answer, because you can find anything you ever wanted to know about Justin on the internet, so that’s out.
I never would have known about Patrick’s column if a co-worker had not come across it while on bitterwaitress.com. She knows of my association with Justin and told me about it. I know people like to pick on celebrities and normally it doesn’t bother me, but the whole pretending to be Justin thing got to me.
That said, I give up. It does’t matter one tiny bit in the long run does it? Just as some well meaning fan might have written those entries signed by “Justin”, who’s to say that I’m not just another fan.
I’m going to go and make Thanksgiving dinner for my family and remind myself over and over that I can’t protect Justin from the pitfalls of being a celebrity. Thankfully there are quite a few perks too.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone. You too Meg…I promise I’ll stop now, lol.
One who knows
November 23, 2006 at 7:19 am
oh and by the way, I’m Mrs. One who knows!
One who knows
November 23, 2006 at 7:19 am
Ok, one more admission. It’s been creeping up on me slowly…there’s actually no way I can guarantee that Justin did not write that. I was convinced at first, but I am not really privy to any more information than you folks are. I do know him, but maybe he DID write it. I started wondering about that when he wrote his last posting…that sounds like him to me.
So we will never know. I can’t ask him or those who REALLY know if it was him, as I did in the past once. If anyone that knows me came on this site they might recognize my style of writing. While the teasing would not be merciless, everyone who has ever known a celebrity knows that you are supposed to ignore this crap, cause you can’t fight the words of someone who has no idea who that celebrity really is. He’s just a public figure to you guys, to me he’s a real person.
So, that being said, I’m off for good. I might check back once in awhile just to see if anyone can figure it all out…but for now on my lips and my keyboard are sealed.
One who knows
November 23, 2006 at 3:56 pm
Just say the words ‘Patrick St. Michel’ to him casually, and if he goes WTF I HATE THAT KID, you’ll know. This isn’t that big of a deal.
Tommy Rousse
November 23, 2006 at 6:09 pm
oh my god I’m doing it again…but Tommy, you are sooooo right…thanks for the perspective
One who knows
November 23, 2006 at 8:25 pm
to justin:
why do yo treat your fans like you dont give a shit
me
December 4, 2006 at 10:31 pm
what the @#$%. … “one who knows” …. hahahahahahaha. hahahahahaha. hahahahahaha. …… hahahahaha.
dear patrick, i LOLed while i read your article. I still like the Justin Long but I don’t see very many of his movies because I have a high standard for movies. because i am a poor college student as well so i don’t have money here and there to blow on movies that are below brilliant.
Kristin
December 5, 2006 at 12:23 am
Yay, more traffic for the site, plus this article gets…like, a fifth life. Controversy = free publicity.
Adrienne Shon
December 5, 2006 at 1:41 am
doesnt JL have anything better to do than reply to hobos on the internet
Angel St Michel
December 5, 2006 at 4:55 am
Patrick you did and excellent job with article, congratulations, 51 replies man, and you are right Justin Long is the worst person of the this year and the next one, he should follow your advice of quiet occupation in 2007, like human test-subject
excellent Job
December 6, 2006 at 7:58 am
To : One who knows
yes,justin long wrote does comments totally his style
excellent Job
December 7, 2006 at 9:43 am
I personally think that Justin is cool. I think your doing just fine Justin….dont let this stuff get you down.
Chey
December 7, 2006 at 6:58 pm
I KNOW…THERE ARE TONS OF PHONIES POSING AS FAMOUS PEOPLE ALL OVER MYSPACE.
Chey
December 7, 2006 at 7:06 pm
he is not a good person and is a bad, bad actor,
excellent Job
December 8, 2006 at 9:10 am
Justin Long-
I think you’re pretty cute in a Zach Braff kinda way. :)
Karina
December 9, 2006 at 9:06 pm
For all of you who are commenting ridiculous absurdities about Mr. Long, what the hell kind of job are you doing? If he was such a ‘bad actor’ how is he making millions while most of you are only making thousands. Let people do their jobs. How would you feel if someone spitted out insults about the work you do?
jenn
December 14, 2006 at 6:04 pm
Have you not seen half the posts here basically calling me an idiot?
Patrick
December 14, 2006 at 6:55 pm
I am so glad you stuck up for your self.you should never ever be treated that way.I think you are a true,genuine,and sincere person who loves his job and knows where hes goin in life.and if you was to ask me,I don’t see one speck of a flaw on your face.it’s perfect!
Sarah Huggins
December 17, 2006 at 12:58 pm
who is making millions….please, give us a break
excellent Job
December 17, 2006 at 2:26 pm
OK, here I am again…and I thought I owed you guys the truth. Justin did write those articles…I asked him.
One other thing though. I have never even come close to touching celebrity before I knew Justin and all of you that think it’s a cat walk and an easy slide into a huge bank account have no idea what you are talking about.
This is a sweet guy that I have known since he was a child. Imagine your best friend or your cousin trying to do what they love and getting home late at night and finding that someone has decided he is the most annoying person of 2006. I don’t care how thick your skin is, it would sting.
Imagine wanting to go out to have a drink in your own hometown with a really good high school friend and finding that you can’t even sit at a table in a bar and have a conversation without a few girls coming up to you and asking for your autograph, which you graciously give to them. They then they ask if they can “sit” with you and you say, I’m sorry, I would love to normally, but I am here with an old friend and I’d like to talk to him. Imagine that their response to you is OH OK, so we’re not good enough for you? How would you deal with that? Now pretend if you are not gracious, SOMEONE will note it. Imagine that that same night some person came up and slammed a disposable camera into your face and just clicked, flash and all, about two inches from your eyeballs. Imagine now that because you are a celebrity, not even a big one, but one nonetheless, that you have to smile and say “Dude, what was that? Ok, if you want my picture, just ask. Then you stand up and smile and let him take the picture. You know why? One because it has become your job, but because I know Justin, two is because his parents raised a loving, polite kind person and he would never ever treat someone badly.
I know this comment will get alot of hostile responses, but the fact is this. Imagine that you are a normal woman that lives in a normal house in a normal home. Imagine that someone you really care about and who you KNOW is a wonderful person all of the sudden takes a whole lot of crap because of what he does for a living. I don’t want you to feel sorry for him, he’s a pretty happy guy, he’s doing what he loves. I just want you all to realize that celebrities are not any different than you an I. If they were asses before they became famous, they probably still are. Justin was not and is not.
Thanks for listening. This is my first and last attempt to defend Justin. I again have to state that Patrick did no wrong in my mind. I just wanted you all to think of Justin as you think of yourself when you are in your dorm room slumped over that computer. He did that. He found his passion which pays pretty good, so he’s lucky. And then again he’s not. Cut him some slack
onewhoknows
January 13, 2007 at 4:33 pm
I knew it, I knew it!! is his style all over
excellent Job
February 1, 2007 at 4:35 pm
Wow… first of all, can’t believe I read this all in one sitting, lol.
I can relate to Onewhoknows… my best friend is the kindest, most generous person I’ve ever known and has to endure that type of tension and stress every day. Not only does it take a toll on my friend, who has enough troubles without all the attention, but for her friends (me especially) I get sick of random ppl. shoving u out of the way in order to talk to someone they think they know, but really don’t know anything about. Forget picturing this for one day – imagine it in a span of over 5 years…
Anna
March 23, 2007 at 5:48 pm
this is probably the defining article of NBN. Amazing.
Emily
April 27, 2007 at 4:04 pm
I don’t know Mr. Long and won’t pretend to.. I know nothing about whether he posted anything or even if he should or should not have. I am not effected by anything anyone says about him, against him or For him…What I do know is that unless one has the skin of a Rhinocerus or is on Prosac they have feelings… Everyone has the RIGHT to an opinion and while that IS true, to Dis someone publicly for any reason, no mater who is being Dis’ed or who the one is doing it, people have feelings…. We all should take that into concideration and not cross that line for ANY reason…and as far as Justin Long is concerned, I have loved his work or at least the way he has portrayed it to be skillful. Though I use a Mac (or maybe BECAUSE I use a Mac) I enjoy the “I’m a Mac” commercial and although he may not (in real Life) feel that way or may not be this character he is portraying for a living at all, he is at least working in a craft he obviously loves doing.. Most of us, I feel, would be happy to JUST be doing that Ourselves… anyway, good luck to you sir, with your articles and to You Justin, as well, with your craft.. I know the feeling from both side of this fence… I create a lot of artwork and I know that I would have it that everyone LOVES my works but, alas, not everyone will…such is life, eh?? Peace to you both…..gene
genefleeman
May 22, 2007 at 7:33 pm
I agree with this article but it needs to be rewritten for 2007. Justin Long has replaced Vin Diesel on my celebrity hated list. He’s a total hipster sack of dogshit. I hope somebody tortures him to death.
Brenton
October 22, 2007 at 5:42 pm