If you’re with the one you love, hooking up is a wonderful, intimate thing. It can happen at any time, at any place, and can be pure, unfiltered, FDA-approved magic.

But if you’re like the rest of us — using second-hand charm in a frat basement to convince the drunkest thing to ever hit the other side of the beer-pong table to come back to your room, just for a little while, just for five minutes, just to see your pet snake…

Well, then the whole “any time, any place” equals “FDA-approved magic” equation kind of gets shot to hell.

Luckily, there are ways to make any hookup so memorable that you’ll be telling the grandchildren about it, whether you’re trying to woo a new significant other or just scream “Woo!” with another. Or maybe you should save that one until they’re older. Regardless, here are the best places to hook up on campus. Go forth and be merry.

The rocks on Lake Michigan

Obvious? Yes. Corny? Undoubtedly. Fool-proof? Absofuckinglutely.

Think about it. Northwestern students high on emotions and chem-lab fumes have been splashing paint and heartfelt messages onto these boulders for millions of years. Billions. Eons, really.

There’s everything from “Dearest Jonathan, I will love you forever” to “Bobb 2nd floor 2003” to “Jesus finds a way.” I don’t care how unique your new conquest/wife is, one of these is guaranteed to work. Like weddings, they pull on the heartstrings and get everyone thinking about true love and fireworks and special feelings. And special feelings don’t just inspire people to shake hands.

Plus, the view is sensational. Waves crashing at your feet, the blue sky overhead, the Chicago skyline in the foggy distance…

Just try to keep this one a sober affair. The rocks are less romantic when they’re splitting your head open.

The Dearborn Observatory

This one’s a bit more obscure, but just as romantic — a real winner with a date who’s been to the rocks more often than you’d care to think about.

The Dearborn Observatory is a giant dark, ovular room with a telescope for stargazing. That’s right. A telescope. For stargazing.

Half of the freshmen class and their moms took Modern Cosmology this past Winter Quarter, and I promise, they were all very, very into the idea.

Seriously. A telescope. For stargazing. A pile of blankets. For warmth. Need I justify more?

The SPAC pool

A couple girlfriends and myself crafted this idea when, like the frivolous little freshmen that we are, we donned bikinis and crashed free-swim hours at SPAC.

But then we started thinking. Trade the friends for a guy. Turn the lights off. Kick out the creepy elderly gentleman in the Speedo, and the rest of the stragglers while you’re at it. It makes for a pretty sexy scene.

Yeah, the problem arises when you try to control for these variables, but you kids didn’t get rejected from Colum — I mean, didn’t get into Northwestern to relinquish your brain power. Find a date, get into SPAC, get into the pool. And just remember: Swimsuits are just an excuse to stay clothed. Leave them at the dorm.

The tables in Tech’s lecture rooms

If you’re an engineer, you might be vomiting at the idea of spending another extra second of your life in the North Campus labyrinth we call Tech. Or, you might look at hooking up at Tech as a convenience: you probably eat, sleep, and Facebook there as is.

But the hotness lies herein: You spend hours in this gigantic lecture room, desperately trying to learn chemistry or economics (or one of those subjects we journalism majors have severe allergic reactions to), staring at your teacher who labors over that big, black, soulless table.

Three hundred people. Six hundred eyes. Fixed on that table.

Kids who went to high school at boarding schools know the appeal. At Phillips Exeter Academy, they have “Harkness” tables that 12 students and a teacher crowd around for class. More than a few created long-lasting, good memories on those tables to relish all year long.

Unless you really enjoy looking at that table and thinking, “ionic bonds,” this is definitely one to try.

Practice music rooms

Music practice rooms are tiny boxes with a mirror and a piano.

Hell-o.

According to music majors, for whom this may have niche appeal, there are two ways to go with this one: There’s romance at Regenstein Recital Hall or a trashy hookup at The Beehive.

Regenstein is right off the lakefill, and has these little windows that overlook Chicago. The downside is there are no locks on the doors.

The Beehive, on Elgin Road, most definitely has locks on the doors. It’s a lot dirtier and not as nice as Regenstein, but it gets the job done.

Those of us not in the School of Music may be skeptical, but what’s sexy about staying in your comfort zone? Besides, if turning down a piano and a mirror doesn’t start a round of “Know how I know you’re gay?” then, damn it, I don’t know what does.

Hooking up around campus can be exactly what your night or would-be relationship needs. And now that it’s on your brain’s syllabus, you’ll be amazed at how everyday campus locations look like your next Friday night.

But one second.

Exploring the hookup world outside of your bedroom is great, but there are limits. There are some places on campus, for example, that you should never, ever, ever hook up — no matter what your libido and seventh shot of Jack Daniels may be saying to the contrary.

1. The Laundry Room. It’s dirty. It smells. And everybody, including you, has to throw their NU t-shirts and PINK sweatpants through it every day. Whether it be on the table or against the washing machine, save it for your clean, private home.
2. Tech couches. Hooking up on a Tech lecture table? Hot. Hooking up on the Tech couch? Kind of weird. It’s an unspoken rule that those couches are reserved for exhausted engineers’ naptimes.
3. Dorm shower. Yeah, everybody loves hooking up in the shower. Surprisingly, nobody likes showering in the remains of someone else’s hookup session. Do the math. Do not piss off your hallmates.
4. Chem lab. Toxic chemicals are not a turn-on.
5. Your roommate’s bed. Guys will suggest this. Roommates will murder you in cold blood.

Steer clear of these fouls, and you can’t go wrong. Run to the lakefill. Go forth to the observatory. Get out there, and get ready to see the campus like you’ve never seen it before — you can see his pet snake any time. I promise.