This week, I would like to applaud the inventiveness of the rare individual or group who looks beyond the obvious solution and takes advantage of our modern society. Whether it’s coming up with less harmful ways to kill you, tricky means to subjugate you, or just screw you out of your-hard earned liquor money, these unique takes on decades-old problems deserve our examination and admiration. These innovations were overlooked when they first failed to make headlines in the past few months, so it is our duty as patriotic Americans to now give them the credit they deserve.

The environmentally friendly bomb

The weapons industry has always been on the cutting edge of technological innovation. With the rise of eco-chic (a term I thought I’d coined until I googled it), the way we kill each other has come under strict environmental scrutiny. And now the world’s fourth largest defense company, BAE Systems, has begun to embrace eco-friendly innovation.

Good news for anyone getting planning to break into the rap biz 50-Cent style: BAE has taken the lead out of their bullets. Those who handle bombs will be glad to hear of a re-engineered version that reduces exposure to harmful fumes. BAE spokeswoman Deborah Allen explains, “What we have to do is ensure that the person deploying the bomb is not going to be put at extra risk for using it.”

Narrow minded Earth-haters have mocked these attempts. Apparently missing the importance of mines that turn into manure after 20 years, commentators focus on the alleged irony of saving the environment while killing humans, not realizing that our duty lies first and foremost with the space we inhabit.

BAE counters with the assertion that, “We all have a duty of care to ensure that from cradle to grave products are being used appropriately and do no lasting harm.” The British Ministry of Defence has jumped on the green bandwagon, even making their own suggestions, such as quieter warheads to reduce noise-pollution and biodegradable missiles.

The forward-thinking ingenuity of the BAE engineers is to be commended. Because after all, when we’re done killing everyone on this Earth, shouldn’t we at least leave it clean?

Breaking news: Oil companies cheat and lie

The American tradition of taking cross-country road trips now intesects with another American classic — getting cheated by mega-corporations, this time at the gas pump.

Gas is sold per gallon. When the temperature of the gas rises, the liquid gas molecules expand, taking up more volume. So although fewer gas molecules are being pumped into the tank, meaning less mileage, the amount charged for a gallon stays the same. About 100 years ago, a federal standard was set where “a gallon of gasoline is the amount of fuel that occupies 231 cubic inches at 60 degrees.”

Oil companies recognize this physics phenomenon, and when selling to each other or to gas stations they adjust price for temperature. However, the average consumer doesn’t get this same benefit at the pump. Although the cost to an individual may be minimal, an investigation by the Kansas City Star suggests oil companies are pocketing $2.3 billion more from drivers than if price were adjusted for efficiency and volume due to temperature.

Gilbarco Veeder-Root produces pumps that adjust for temperature. The company gained approval from California regulators to sell its pumps there, but backed out under pressure from oil companies who didn’t appreciate the consumer-friendly gesture.

Although 28 lawsuits, including a handful of class-action suits, have been filed in 17 states since December, they’re all a bunch of hot air. The gas companies’ defense is straightforward: These actions are absolutely, positively legal! Yup, just because you’re being told your gas is measured at 60 degrees, there is no law requiring that pumps adjust for the expanded gas. In a traditionally dirty business, it’s nice to see such clean, honest profits.

Your government hates you

Call me crazy, but if I were running a democracy and wanted to reverse centuries-old law and turn my military inwards on my citizens, using it as a domestic police force, I wouldn’t pen my name on a 439 page tome advertising that fact. Fortunately for President Bush, no one was watching on Oct. 17, 2006 when he signed the John Warner Defense Authorization Act of 2007 into law.

The 1878 Posse Comitatus Act reads, “Whoever, except in cases … expressly authorized by the Constitution or Act of Congress, willfully uses any part of the Army… to execute the laws shall be fined under this title or imprisoned…” The ever-resourceful Bush administration took advantage of the last days of their rubber-stamp Congress to ensure just such an authorization.

The gem of the Defense Authorization Act, section 333 reads, (And I will quote lengthily because it’s just that good), “The President may employ the armed forces… to restore public order and enforce the laws of the United States when, as a result of a… incident, or other condition in any State or possession of the United States, the President determines that domestic violence has occurred to such an extent that the constituted authorities of the State are incapable of maintaining public order in order to suppress, in a State, any insurrection, domestic violence, unlawful combination, or conspiracy…” Yikes.

The lone dissenter, Democratic senator Patrick Leahy of Vermont, expressed his view on the bill, saying he had “grave reservations about certain provisions,” and that the bill would “subvert solid, longstanding posse comitatus statutes making it easier for the president to declare martial law. [This provision] was slipped in as a rider with little study… and other congressional committees… had no chance to comment, let alone hold hearings on, these proposals.” And you thought apathy was bad!

So perhaps the paranoid freaks are right, and our government really is Big Brother using the military to control us. My only consolation: The joke’s on the poor schmuck who has to wade through the videotapes of my utterly boring life.