Aries (March 21 – April 19)

It’s getting to be that time of the quarter again. When that “work hard, play hard” attitude is catching up with you. When you no longer swear you’ll catch up on all that reading, because, hell, you already failed the midterm last week. So what better way to cheer you up about Diversity of Life or Intro to Stats than to find new ways to waste your parents’ money? That’s right, there’s only one thing better than sleeping through a class this quarter: picking the classes you’re going to sleep through next quarter. This week, convince yourself you’re planning the best fall ever: Denial is good.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Blue skies. Fluffy white clouds. Sunshine so bright compared to February’s you could say it sparkles. And there’s that pair of shorts sitting in your closet. Next to that bathing suit. And, you have, you know, reading to do. And the beach is so pretty … except, wait. It’s still cold. Because 60 degrees and windy isn’t tanning weather. Be prepared to stay pasty a little while longer. This week, you’re like Chicago: tragically deceptive.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

If there’s one thing the theater department excels at, it’s attracting the elderly crowd. Whether it’s a traditional Shakespeare, or the racy Cloud Nine, one thing is for sure: Old people will make up at least half the audience. So, what’s more enjoyable for Evanston’s senior citizens than a musical revue? Waa-Mu: A time to harken back to the mindless drivel of the Fred Astaire era. But The Club? What club? We’re looking for geriatric, not generic. This week pull a Waa-Mu: Try to attract a younger crowd by being hopelessly out of touch.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

There is one surefire way to make yourself feel like a good person with minimal effort: Give blood. Really, all you have to do is show up, sit there, hold out your arm and try not to look. And if it gets you a little lightheaded, never fear! Northwestern can’t have you passing out at Norris, so please take your free Jamba Juice and be on your merry, philanthropic way. Because all smart people know that only chumps give something for nothing. But trading bodily fluids for energy-boosted smoothies is more than a fair trade. This week: Take it easy, save a life.

Leo (July 23- August 22)

You’re just not cutting it. Give up. The drop date is Friday. Just saying.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Okay, so you’ve already heard that a cappella is overrated. You’ve gone to A Cappella Fest and marveled at the ability of white kids to beat box. You’ve walked across enough flyers with obscenely long names making references to things 80 percent of the student body doesn’t recognize. Enough is enough. This week make your own obscure references. Sing pop ballads alongside faux-indie tunes. Be like an a cappella group: mildly entertaining until someone sees a butterfly.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

If there’s one thing college kids love more than anything, it sure is that alcohol. So how do you get these thirsty kids to participate in the university community? Why send them to bar nights of course! Because there’s nothing college kids love more than getting drunk for a reason. But what about the two-thirds of the university too young to get into these classy establishments? This week: You’re not worthwhile. Unless you’ve got a fake. Sorry.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

If A&O does one thing right, it’s pick out movies. You can see The Departed, Little Children and Casino Royale only four or five months late! You can gorge yourself on Academy-worthy flicks every weekend. The real question: Why the disparity in admission fees? Why is Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest a whole three dollars when the Oscar-winning The Last King of Scotland is relegated to a free screening in Harris? Quality doesn’t matter much anymore in this crazy world. This week you’re like Forest Whitaker: cool enough to win an Oscar, but not quite cool enough to charge admission.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

If there’s one thing the jocks of the world need it’s another reason to feel like they’re better than everyone else. What better way for a jock to give back than to run for charity? 5K races. What about the nerds? The un-athletic? The people who chose to read books instead of flexing their pecs? Don’t they get to give back too? This week you’re like a 5K race: holding the little man down.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Everyone loves a scandal. Even more than that, everyone loves a high-brow scandal. Martha Stewart cheating Wall Street. Winona Rider getting in touch with her inner klepto. Paris Hilton flashing her nips all over the tabloids. But the women’s lacrosse team wearing flip-flops? And two years later having “fans in flip-flops day” to commemorate it? This week: Get over yourself. It was stupid then, and it’s stupid now.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

This week it’s time to celebrate the fourth anniversary of the end of the Iraq war. Oh wait. Instead, follow the latest drama as newly puffed-up Democrats throw a temper tantrum to get what they want. And who cares if they’ll actually change anything. This is politics after all. This week you’re the Democratic Party: making a statement, but still inept.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

It’s May. And everyone knows what that means: Cinco de Mayo. The single best excuse to drink tequila ever invented. And if your love for those south of the border extends a little further than a love for anything alcoholic that requires a lime, you can really show your support by marching for immigrants’ rights. Because, really, it’s a personal issue. At Northwestern. Where the student body is 70% white. This week: Pretend you’re ethnic. It’s trendy.