There comes a time in every chubby person’s life when they consider a quick fix for weight loss: the fad diet. These diets range from the plausible-in-theory to the downright ridiculous. Here are some examples I’m sure you’ve heard of, and what their claims are:

Atkins: This is the famous low-carb diet. It was introduced by Dr. Atkins in a 1972 book, Dr. Atkins’ Diet Revolution, but resurged in popularity around 2003. The idea is that you try to get your body into a state of ketosis, which is when your body burns its fat stores for energy (so far, so good!). You can eat all the protein and fat your heart desires, but if you try to sneak in some bread or sugar, you’ll be in for some major disappointment.

My dad claims that this type of diet helped him lose weight in the 1970s. It very well may have, but if you’ve seen my dad lately, it’s clear the weight came back with bell bottoms. This diet fails because very few people can do it long-term. Plus, there is no emphasis on exercise, a key part of weight loss, and the diet has been rumored to cause serious damage to your liver. To quote Lucille on Arrested Development after her husband’s heart attack, “What kind of diet is this? It’s too much meat!”

Jenny Craig / NutriSystem / Packaged food diets: Kirstie Alley looks fabulous now, right? Makes you want to call Jenny right up and say, “Hey, I want to lose weight eating fettuccine too!” Oh, Valerie Bertinelli’s doing it? That’s all the convincing I needed!

Seriously though, if you think you can live the rest of your life eating food out of boxes, go ahead and try this one. It eventually does phase you into eating more foods that you prepare yourself, but initially you’ll be a slave to their little frozen dinners. Be aware that it might be expensive, and if you’re living in a dorm with a meal plan, you won’t be able to use your meals often. If you’re lazy and rich though, give it a shot.

Sugar Busters: Developed in the 1990s, this diet claims that sugar is “toxic” and, due to increased insulin production, causes weight gain. While it is true that refined sugar and carbohydrates aren’t necessarily the best things in the world to put in your body, they are by no means worthy of banishment. I’ve said this before, but when you deprive yourself of one thing, you’re more likely to crack in a moment of weakness and pig out on that sweet, forbidden temptation.

Slimfast / liquid diets: It’s how Oprah got thin… the first time. These diets provide nutrition shakes, and some (like Optifast, what Oprah used) are quite potent and should only be done under the care of a physician. Later, you’ll be able to slowly incorporate solid foods into your diet, but if you switch back abruptly your slowed metabolism will likely cause you to gain weight. If you hate chewing, this may be the diet for you. Otherwise, not so much.

Grapefruit diet / cabbage soup diet: Okay, any claims that there are magical foods that will help you lose weight should be met with skepticism. These diets are probably more the stuff of email-forwarded lore than actual medical advice. And the cabbage soup diet will give you gas. You have been warned.

The bottom line is that these diets may help you drop a few pounds initially, but it’s most likely just water weight — no real results. It’s extremely difficult for any normal person to sustain this kind of fad eating for any length of time: There’s the distinct possibility that you won’t be eating enough food, which puts your body into starvation mode and make weight loss even harder. And with these diets, you’re definitely making things difficult for your body, which needs a balanced diet of lean protein, fruits and vegetables, and whole grains. Cutting out foods means cutting out nutrients, which is not the way to go. The key to dieting, as in all things in life, is moderation. Losing weight is one thing; maintaining it is a whole ‘nother story. Choose an eating plan that you can be committed to for life.