Ronald Reagan changed everything about the U.S. presidency. I don’t mean trickle-down theory, laissez-faire political philosophy, or even Jelly Bellies in the oval office. I’m talking about sex appeal.

Okay, so the Great Communicator didn’t really start the presidential body-language revolution. John F and Jacqueline Kennedy got that ball rolling two decades before, but JFK’s young telegenic charm was refreshing in ‘61 because it was so unusual. He made puffy-eyed Nixon looked like death on a cracker. But by the time Reagan left office, sex was part of the job description.

Of course, Clinton turned out to be a little overanxious in confirming to the American people just how much of a stud his was (and is). Biggest lesson learned: when the opposition party is drunk with power, having won back the House for the first time in a generation, keep it in your pants at least until you make it to Camp David.

So it is with these sexy presidential legacies in the back of our minds that we should approach the oh so serious 2008 election campaign trail. How will each of the candidates woo America, and who woos best?

Both Democrats and Republicans have their hotties. Obama’s sparkle and self-possession approach the level of rock-god, and Romney’s square jaw and overearnestness recalls the can-do-no-wrong affection of a 1950s high-school sweetheart. Hillary and Ron Paul provide the niche market with some possible bizarre fantasy scenarios. Edwards comes close, but he’s too little-brotherly to get much more than an “Aw, what a cutie!” The sad fact is, the grandfatherly, pockmarked, and just plain wrinkly candidates possess all the sex appeal of Peyton Manning in a Mastercard commercial.

But just like Peyton, there’s such potential! And what better way to awaken this potential then by posing as frequently as possible beside your red hot smokin’ trophy wife?

Dennis Kucinich knows this better than any of his esteemed opponents. Thirty years older and a foot-and-a-half shorter? Who cares! Elizabeth Kucinich makes Bono look like a grubby grade school urchin trying to feed the world with a rag-tag lemonade stand. Graduating with degrees in Religious Studies, Theology and “International Conflict Analysis,” Elizabeth went on to work with death row inmates in Austin, help run a hospice in Arga, India, and develop local infrastructure in Tanzania, where she lived for 16 months. Then she met Kucinich. This lady doesn’t just primp for the camera when the little red light goes on.

However, Elizabeth comes dangerously close to stealing the show. Her red hair and fair skin provides a stunning contrast to Kucinich’s Just for Men and liver spots, and her imposing stature makes her candidate hubby seem even punier than he is. Net gain on the ability-to-lead-through-hotness meter: 72 percent.

Fred Thompson, on the other hand, still towers over his honey. The former senator from Tennessee and star of Die Hard II and Law & Order understands the power of a visual, and he’s got no problem admitting that a balding head and baggy eyes won’t help his presidential game. His wife Jeri has been part of his closest circle of campaign advisers from the get-go, and at twenty years younger she packs a wallop. Not to mention an unabashed stripper name.

But let’s not get overexcited with appearances. What has Jeri done? Well, it appears she pretty much walked around Nashville, with a tan. But the UV rays left her intellect untouched, for she is frequently described as running her husband’s campaign “from the kitchen table.” It takes a talented woman to bake cookies while monitering straw polls in 18 states and picking out your husband’s tie all at once. And if gentlemen really do prefer blondes, Mr. Thompson is a real Gentleman. Hotness advantage: 81 percent.

However, nothing packs the visual barrage as a future leader of the free world in drag. Really, Giuliani, you don’t need that much help. Your nose isn’t that sharp and your accent isn’t that nasal, but I like the way you think. In fact, why just get into that old trunk of dress-up clothes for special occations like the New York Inner Circle press dinner and the occational SNL skit? We know you like having a bit of fun while wooing the gay and lesbian vote, so why not ramp it up a little? You get cozy with The Donald, so why not snuggle with DiCaprio? You show off you high kicking skills, so why not give the pole a workout?

But seriously, Giuliani scores big points for creativity. Why worry about your aging game when you can be your own smokin’ bombshell? And by smokin’ bombshell, I’m of course talking about one very dangerous-looking woman. You don’t mess with a lady who uses axel grease for mascara. Giuliani’s aplomb borders on alarming, but his stage presence has a certain je ne sais quois. 100 percent advantage.

Then there’s Bill Clinton, who, though no bottle blonde humanitarian or housewife, is still Bill Clinton. Calculated, witty, and daring, Bill entices us with a charming singles-bar grin that mouthes, “It’s just one drink, darlin’. You don’t owe me a thing for it.” Plus, just try to imagine an outfit that wouldn’t be sexy on him. Polo and slacks? Check. Tuxedo? Check. PJs? Check. Burlap sack? Oh god, check.

But the pertinent question might be, is Bill sexier than Hillary is scary? To be fair, Hillary has her share of charms. She’s even declared during democratic presidential debates that if voters want someone who can stand up to the right wing machine, “I’m your girl!” Dress that attitude up in a pants suit and Hillary cuts a pretty fine figure. But she’s still chilly when compared to Bill’s taffy charisma.

Though he might snag too much of the spotlight on occation, Bill is the only ex-President First-Husband-in-training, and if he can really get the voters going, when Hillary comes out as the main event, they’ll go totally crazy. Trophy wives are good, but trophy Presidents are better: 120 percent advantage.