Hello, Northwestern. My name’s John. I’m a guy. Which is a rare thing for this section. You know, being a guy. I’m here today to talk about cologne.

For maximum effect, please read the following paragraphs in the voice of Antonio Banderas. The words are mine, but I think it’s more convincing if a sexy Spaniard says them:

“Smell is the most subtle and seductive of all five senses. Like the past in a bottle, one whiff of a familiar scent grabs hold of you and thrusts you back into your first car, your lover’s embrace or your childhood home, where the tantalizing aroma of cookies wafts from the kitchen. It can be soft and easy, like smooth jazz in a crowded nightclub, or it can fire every nerve in your body like a bolt of lightning through your spine. A truly great lover is a composer of smell, a maestro of scents who can entice women with just the right aroma.”

Basically, Antonio says that the way a man smells is important and real men pay attention to their scent because it can make or break them with the ladies. But you guys already knew that. What many of you DON’T know is what kinds of cologne women prefer. So I’ve done the work for you: I asked five Northwestern women (real women, not paid actors) what they liked about a man’s cologne. I gave them six choices:

• Aqua Velva “Musk” Aftershave/Cologne,
• Brut Spray Cologne (Original Fragrance),
• Giorgio Armani Cologne,
• Azzaro “Chrome,”
• Old Spice “Pure Sport” body spray,
• and American Eagle “Real” body spray.

Left to right: Weinberg freshman Emily Miller, Weinberg freshman Cameron Sieber, Weinberg sophomore Vanessa Rivas, Weinberg sophomore Vanessa Ramirez, and McCormick freshman Kimberly Huang.

But before that, I asked them what they liked about a guy’s smell. A cologne should be “something clean, not too heavy” according to Miller. An easy, smooth smell seemed to be a running theme. In Sieber’s words: “I really dislike it when it smells fruity or girly… I like it when it’s just gentle.” Both Vanessas concurred: Rivas preferred scents that are “subtle, not fruity” while Ramirez said a scent should be “subtle, but nice, and not too overpowering.”

The girls were asked to sniff all six colognes, rank their top two favorites and their least favorite. I also asked if they could give these three colognes a number rating out of 10, with one being “Wouldn’t Touch With A Ten-Foot Pole” and 10 being “I Will Mount You Now.” I had expected every girl to react differently to the test, or at most some variation in their top two favorites. But every girl interviewed picked the same two colognes as their favorite. Every girl but one picked the same cologne as the biggest repellant.

Winner #1: American Eagle “Real” body spray (Average: 8.6 out of 10)

Emily Miller: “Clean, but not really heavy.”

Cameron Sieber: “It reminds me, kind of, of the colognes you smell on guys in Europe… in Germany specifically.”

Vanessa Rivas: “I don’t know… it’s just so… smooth.”

Vanessa Ramirez: “I don’t know. It just smells good.”

Kimberly Huang: “It’s kind of flowery. It appeals to my feminine taste.”

Winner #2: Azzaro “Chrome” cologne (Average: 7.7 out of 10)

Emily Miller: “I think the same reason [as the American Eagle body spray]. It’s not, like, really strong.”

Cameron Sieber: “It reminds me of the ocean.”

Vanessa Ramirez: “This one’s a little more fruity, which is why it’s a little bit less [than the American Eagle].”

Vanessa Rivas: “It smells good, but not as good as American Eagle.”

Kimberly Huang: “It’s not really pungent, like, the Armani is really strong, I think.”

Now, this is where it gets interesting. I don’t know if it’s part of our culture, but it seems like we really love to hate certain things. And the Armani cologne provoked an almost violent reaction in every one of the girls except Sieber, who choose the Brut as her least favorite (”Oh, okay… I really don’t like that”). The following testimonies serve as a beacon of warning for men everywhere NOT to buy from Giorgio.

Worst cologne: Giorgio Armani (Average: 1.4 out of 10)

Emily Miller: “Smells really old and weird.”

Cameron Sieber: “The Armani is a little feminine. I almost made it my least favorite.”

Vanessa Ramirez: “It made me gag. It’s just this weird smell I’ve never smelled… it’s just horrid.”

Vanessa Rivas: “It just smells vinegar-ish.”

Kimberly Huang: “It just — it smells weird. It smells like something rotten in the sea, or something.”

What do women like? Subtlety and smoothness. Pick a scent that just lightly caresses her nostrils; it’ll be seen as an indication of how smooth you are in other pursuits. But don’t pick something fruity or feminine; there’s a reason we call it cologne, not perfume. You want to pick one that conveys manliness and sensitivity without metaphorically beating her about the nostrils. Nosebleeds are a major magic-killer when you’re talking to a lady.