Here it is, the first of (hopefully) many weekly sports updates for all you Northwestern students out there too busy worrying about “real” news to read what’s important: Physically gifted men and women playing games using skills that have little or no real-world application.

NBA

Shaquille O’Neal is going to the Suns. He is pictured here with Stanley Roberts and Chris Jackson in 1989.
Picture by Vedia on Flickr, licensed under Creative Commons.

First, let’s check in on the world “Where Amazing Happens,” otherwise known as the NBA. Given the rash of big-name players who have changed teams in the last week, I personally motion that Commissioner David Stern should change the league’s slogan to “Where Blockbuster Trades that Nobody Really Saw Coming Happen,” but that’s just a suggestion.
With Pau Gasol going to the Lakers, Shaquille O’Neal to the Suns and Jason Kidd to the Mavericks, the Western Conference, already light years ahead of the East in terms of top-tier teams, gets even scarier.
Gasol has been great in helping Los Angeles to six straight wins, the most recent one against Shaq and the new look Phoenix Suns.
Although the Diesel put up a pedestrian 15 points and 9 rebounds in the loss and will probably make basketball in the Arizona desert slightly less fun to watch, I think he will be instrumental in helping the Suns make a deep run in the playoffs.
Kidd lost to the Hornets and Chris Paul in his debut with the Mavs, and while some people think that Devin Harris, who was traded to the Nets in the deal, may have been a fine fit with Dallas, Dirk and Co. are perfectly happy to be playing with the best point guard of our generation.

MLB

Now on to baseball. Even though the temperatures in Evanston are still way below freezing, elsewhere in America players are reporting to training camps.
There is a cloud over the early stages of spring training, however, in the form of Roger Clemens’ recent appearance before a Congressional committee in which he again denied using steroids and stayed true to his Texan roots by making up words such as “misremembered.”
Even Alex Rodriguez was caught up in the steroid storm when he told reporters that he was tested “9 to 10 times” last year for illegal substances, a number that is extremely high given the randomness of the league’s testing policies. A-Rod later said he was kidding, but any way you look at it, last year he had a hell of a stat line: .314 batting average, 54 home runs, 156 RBIs and 9 or 10 passed drug tests. No wonder he was the American League MVP.

NHL

For the four or five hockey fans reading this, the NHL-leading Red Wings snapped a six game losing streak by beating the Colorado Avalanche, but lost star defenseman Nicklas Lidstrom for three weeks with a knee injury.
The trade deadline is also approaching, and though no big deals have been suggested yet, there are rumors that Atlanta Thrasher’s forward Marian Hossa, Tampa Bay Lightning defenseman Dan Boyle and Toronto Maple Leafs captain Mats Sundin will be moved before the deadline passes.
Also, my beloved New York Rangers played a stinker against Montreal Canadiens, losing 6-5 in a shootout after being up 5-0. This loss caused me to momentarily renounce all things Canadian, until I came to my senses after realizing I couldn’t listen to Celine Dion’s lovely voice while I worked.

NASCAR

Ryan Newman won the Daytona 500.
Picture by phillip8589 on Flickr, licensed under Creative Commons.

In NASCAR news, Ryan Newman won the biggest race of the year, the Daytona 500, after being helped by a push from Penske teammate Kurt Busch on the last lap. The win was also the first Daytona 500 victory for car owner Roger Penske, who holds more Indianapolis 500 wins than any other car owner.

Women’s College Basketball

Finally, in women’s college basketball, Tennessee junior Candace Parker announced she will skip her senior year at school and pursue a professional career. Bad news for the Lady Vols, but perhaps good news for all of us out there that were disturbed by Tennessee men’s coach Bruce Pearl painting his naked torso orange and showing up to women’s basketball games. With their star player gone, maybe they won’t give Coach Pearl a reason to show up.