Awkward dating advice from a non-dater
Some people say I suck at dating. While my mom may disagree (thanks Mom), those ’some people’ are probably right. Actually, it’s more than probably: I do suck. I don’t know what it is exactly that pegs me as someone who cannot date, but I do know that I do an extraordinarily poor job at the whole thing. It’s all sort of difficult to explain, but I think you’ll understand soon enough because for some reason, I, Lucas (hey, what’s up), will now be NBN’s newest dating columnist. But this won’t just be any dating column. No sir, no ma’am.
Relying on the mantra that we do, in fact, learn from our mistakes, this column will involve my answering your relationship questions in the only ways I know: by telling you what I would do in your situation, what I have done in your situation or by making up something awesome. Just don’t do what I would do. Or did. No seriously, don’t. If you don’t do what I would do, your chances of success will increase by, I’d say, at least 130 percent — and that’s a pretty good number.
For a moment now, I will let you into my dating life by giving you a symbolic scene that… may or may not have actually happened, but is symbolic nonetheless. Here we go:
Two people, a girl and a guy, have come together to the Century movie theater. They slowly make their way through the ticket line, kind of just nodding to each other as they wait to get to the cashier.
“This movie’s going to be pretty great, I know it. The trailer: so good,” the guy says.
“I haven’t seen it.”
“You should, it’s a pretty good trailer.”
“I think after I see the movie, there won’t really be much need to see the trailer.”
“Ah, good point, good point.”
Eventually, they make it up to the front. The guy goes first while the girl waits behind. He walks up to the box office and stops for a second, thinking, Should I buy her a ticket? I might look pretty nice if I bought her a ticket. I did ask her to come here with me, and I think I made it rather obvious that I wanted just her to come. And she came alone. Didn’t even ask if a friend could come or anything. I think I’ll buy her a ticket.
“Two for Balls of Fury, please.”
“Sure, that’ll be $800.”
The guy takes the tickets and starts to walk away from the box office, putting his change away. Turning around, he sees the girl at the box office, buying her own ticket. Crap.
“Wait, don’t buy a ticket,” he says.
The girl looks confused. “Why not?” They look at each other for a moment.
“Because.”
“Because…”
“Uh…um…because…I sort of…bought you a ticket.” The cashier guy is now looking at both of them. So is everyone in line.
“Why would you do that?”
“Because…uh…I dunno. I just thought…”
“I think I’m going to buy my own.”
“Okay, that’s a good idea too.”
See what I mean? Send me your questions at l-koppel@northwestern.edu.
| Print
Dating? How about marriage? Or you can return home.
Because the awkward date faux pas never happens anywhere else besides Northwestern!
Kenny
February 26, 2008 at 5:07 pm
Um, why exactly do you have problems dating?
Dude, you’re hot.
Facebook Stalker
February 27, 2008 at 12:54 am
Those are some expensive movie tickets!
Vi-An Nguyen
February 27, 2008 at 12:56 pm
I find it hard to believe with creative talent as your to post a thread such as this you have problems dating.
Cindy
April 27, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Ewww! Balls of Fury?! No wonder you can’t get any!!
Jillian
May 2, 2008 at 7:39 pm
Dude! u gotta some serious reading on dating tips.
try http://www.seduce.in that may help you out. :)
Dating Tips Guy
August 21, 2008 at 10:04 am
Every one sucks at dating you just have to ride it out untill you meet some who get you
Uk Datig
December 2, 2008 at 7:24 pm
well, a sense of humor is a good start when it comes to success with dating. if you want to be massively successful with women, then i have some recommendations for where to start on my site. of course, being able to afford $800 tickets also won’t hurt your chances of success. – Stephen
Dating Books For Men
May 14, 2009 at 2:52 pm