Paris — the fashion capital of the world. It’s where we find the most daring theatrical designers, fashion’s highest-profile houses, and the most absurd styles in the already ridiculous garment industry.

Christian Lacroix pioneered couture post-modernism in the 80s along with Chanel designer Karl Lagerfeld. In those days, it was all about conspicuous consumption and garish jewel-encrusted gowns. Since then, Lacroix has resurfaced from the gem mines, with a new collection featuring distinct fur and wood tones. One sleeveless boatneck coat in particular, accessorized with hunter green and black bangles, looked practically mossy.

Volume and frills were both turned up a notch (or five) at the Comme des Garçons show. The show opened with a scarlet tulle explosion in the form of a belly shirt, and later on a sculptural white dress was made to look all the more voluptuous with black gridded taping.

Issey Miyake’s dark, delicate collection worked mainly with a base of black lace and leather, offset with splashes of red. Unfortunately, the half-shorts, half-pants bottoms were more remniscent of Compton gangs than couture.

Playing on cultural clichés of fashion, Jeremy Scott showed a red velvet drapery dress (complete with tassels and curtain rod), a green topcoat printed to look like a one-dollar bill, and a white tablecloth dress that extended out horizontally from the hips, turning the model’s torso into a supper centerpiece. Scott left fashion editors wondering after the show where he hid all the real clothes.

But where are the real clothes? Photo by Peter Duhon on Flickr, licensed under Creative Commons.

Marc Jacobs and John Galliano haven’t exactly been getting along since Jacobs and his personal trainer were overheard talking shit about Galliano. They must really be on fine speaking terms now, since Galliano lifted the theme of his show, “Arabian Nights”, from Jacobs’ holiday bash. Somehow, though, not even the half-naked models set in the back of the stage can compare to Jacobs’ camel toe costume. Yikes.

Maison Martin Margiela has recently become something of a sensation, but this season’s silhouettes take power dressing to new heights. Super-square dickies turned into overblown censor bars, and elevated-neckline boatneck jackets made models look like woollen Dixie Cups with heads floating inside.

Viktor & Rolf’s last show may have been about marching to the beat of one’s own drummer—each model had her own runway music, and her dress was strung up in her own private lighting rig. This season was just as rhetorical, with models sporting garments that literally spelled out “NO”, “DREAM ON”, and “WOW”. Viktor & Rolf said it was about refusing to conform to fashion, not the no-means-no reference, circa Essential NU, that immediately comes to mind. Still, there’s something ironic about a model in a furry-armed Sasquatch jacket with “NO” written across her face.

Vivienne Westwood paid homage to the Amazonian models of the late ’80s in a jungle-themed show. Models—two of them towering over the audience on stilts—sported frocks and suits that were as much safari as circus.

Rick Owens had a particularly tame show in Paris— at least relative to the surrounding showdown. Most models wore leather or wool garments that substituted zippers for seams. He turned leather bell bottoms into leg capes while emphasizing the waist and hips. Other than that, though, only one look paid homage to his fellow avant-garde designers: A fur coat in the style of Jean Paul Gaultier’s cone bra, placing two thick tails right at the boobs. Flattering. Really, really flattering.