First things first as we tackle Dance Marathon’s fourth block, the guilty pleasure block. What exactly is a guilty pleasure? Most people tend to throw in songs they think are bad and nobody else likes, but roughly every other person on the planet also belives are guilty pleasures. To me, a guilty pleasure makes YOU feel shame, like you’ve committed third-degree murder on several orphans because you just bobbed your head to Hall & Oates. If you don’t feel like a genocidal dictator after spinning the song, it isn’t a guilty pleasure.

This block is the trickiest to track becasue it involves the most personal opinion (what makes me feel bad for enjoying) and choosing deliberately bad songs (nobody feels guilty about something good). Block 4 stands as DM’s lamest block, but I guess that’s kind of the point, and people will at least get really giddy hearing really dorky songs balring in Louis Room.

Showstoppers

1. First Song: “Mmmbop” by Hanson

Forgot to mention the other big challenge involved in this block – trying to avoid crossing over with Block 9, one-hit-wonders, since so many guilty obsession dropped off the face of the Earth after one song. Hanson falls into guilty pleasure and one-hit wonder territory, but “Mmbop” gets weird people (read: girls) really hopping, so it works as an opener. See, I already feel ill writing this one.

2. The Sesame Street theme song

Embarassing TV show themes may be the guiltiest of guilty pleasures, both a sign of embarassing taste for jingle-like music and bad/kiddie TV. I love me some Sesame Street, but put up any themesong from the late ’80s/early ’90s and you got a winner.

3. “Vindicated” by Dashboard Confessional

Oh Dashboard. An aside – anybody who actually enjoys Dashboard Confessional for sonic reasons is either a teenager or a very bad person.

4. “We’re All in This Together” by the cast of High School Musical

I went into this project telling myself “no High School Musical.” I don’t care if you can dance to it, I don’t care if people know the lyrics, I don’t care that girls would mob me and tear off my clothes if I lied and said I modeled myself after that Zac Efron fellow. I thought I wouldn’t have to. But, damn it, so many people like these idiot songs, I can’t not put this on. I hope you people feel really bad after you stop popping to this.

5. Final Song: “A Moment Like This” by Kelly Clarkson

Again, anyone who actually enjoys this song should be shot into space to explore the structure of blackholes. But as the worst song to end a set of bad music. Gold!

Avoid at all Costs

1. “The Final Countdown” by Europe

Ten years ago, this would have been a top five song for sure, the perfect dumb song still capable of getting people to rock out. But thanks to Arrested Development and ironic pricks around the globe, this song doesn’t make people feel guilty anymore. Now, playing this would actually work counter to the theme. Time is a cruel master.

2. Any of the stupid songs from Guitar Hero

“Cherry Pie,” “The Trooper,” “Carry on my Wayward Son.” Anything a pasty nerd can play on a plastic guitar is no longer shameful – people enjoy these songs now becasue they can play them and feel like Mick Jagger even though they are an idiot strumming on a hunk of plastic. No thanks.

3. “Jenny From the Block” by Jennifer Lopez

Nobody actually likes this song. They just suffer from some disorder.

A Few Other Songs To Include With No Reason

- “A Public Affair” by Jessica Simpson
- “More than a Feeling” by Boston
- “The Locomotion” by Kylie Minogue
- “Switch” by Will Smith
- “Make Damn Sure” by Taking Back Sunday

Indie(is) Songs That Would Work But Will Never Be Played

1. “Extraordinary” by Liz Phair – Can’t find it on Exile in Guyville? Indie kids won’t touch it. Normal people shouldn’t either.

2. Anything by The Strokes – The indie world turned its back on the The Strokes around the time of “Juicebox,” so playing anything these once-super kids created equates to ultimate shame. Look for Vampire Weekend to fill this spot (potentially) in five years.

3. “Island in the Sun” by Weezer – Such a stupid song, but I can’t resist its charms.

Great Videos to Show

“Hello” by Lionel Richie – A song only a leper can enjoy paired with one of the most ironically loved videos of all-time. Watch a blind girl replicate Lionel Richie’s faith, and laugh.

- “Make ‘Em Say Uhhhh” by Master P – This video features a tank, a guy in a gorilla suit and absolutely no logic whatsoever.

- “She Will Be Loved” by Maroon Five – Such a cheesy song and video.

- “Lonely Swedish” by Tom Green – Everyone liked Tom Green at some point in their life. I’ll raise my hand, I still enjoy Freddy Got Fingered. And this song used to be so cool. But I shiver thinking about how I actually thought this was musical genius.