Name a more versatile or talented creature than the horse. No dog, cat, penguin, ox, sloth or manatee comes close. Horses risk life and hoof to entertain us humans at rodeos, wild west shows and medieval-themed dining experiences. Before the invention of the car, tank or nuclear bomb, horses were the primary means of having an advantage over an opponent in a war. But horses also serve us well in peacetime, helping our children enjoy life via pony rides. And, the ultimate sign of their great kindness, horses even help the world when they go to the big stable in the sky, becoming perfect ingredients for glue and parts of an Oscar Mayer hot dog.

Horses don’t get enough respect even though they do so much good for us. I’ve compiled a list of the ten greatest horses this world has ever seen to honor the great deeds hoofedkind have done for us. Many great horsies just missed the cut (sorry, My Little Pony), but I truly believe the beasts below truly exemplify what being a horse is all about.

Don’t like it? To you, I say nay.

10. Pokey

Gumby gets all of the attention for being “brave” and “witty” and “elastic.” Sorry, but the green goon’s really a big jerk, an attention whore who useds his flexibility and guitar abilities to gain the attention of Toyland. Gumby sucks. Unlike his master, Pokey thinks before he acts, questioning whether this is the best way to tackle the problem at hand and whether they should even do this. Call it timid if you want, but I call it reason and thought, two very valuable traits a person (or pony) can have. Very few humans, let alone horses, think about challenges and problems and how to stop the Blockheads like Pokey does. Plus, he has a catchphrase ‘Holy Toledo!’ that still gets thrown around today and helped put an industrial manufacturing town on the map. The only phrase Gumby could get people to say was, “What the hell are you?” Pokey suffered behind the oddly sketched shadow of Gumby for too long, and should be recognized as one of the most progressive and clever horses ever.

Screw Gumby. I hate that guy.

9. Seabiscuit

You’ll be surprised to learn “hope” isn’t something Barack Obama thought of in his quest to become president. No, Seabiscuit beat him to the idea back in the 1930s when he started rocking the racetrack alongside beloved racer Tobey Maguire (who played Seabiscuit’s real jockey, Red Pollard, in the 2003 movie). A horse many had given up on early in his life, Seabiscuit proved the haters wrong, winning races and capturing the hearts of Americans at the same time, not an easy feat. Most importantly, the people of United States needed something to believe in, what with being stuck in the Great Depression and having to live off dirt. And FDR wasn’t going to be winning any races anytime soon, so Seabiscuit bore the pain of a nation while finishing first before eventually losing the Best Picture Oscar.

8. Trigger

America takes pride in its history of expensive baseball stadium construction, jam bands and cowboys. Roy Rogers may be the greatest cowpoke of all, with a storied resume that includes movies and a famous song. His trusty horse, Trigger, was with him the whole time, carrying the famous cowboy around all across the Wild West (read: a backlot in Hollywood). Every cowboy needs a horse (and a gun), and Trigger joined alongside one of the most famous cowboys of all time, becoming an iconic steed in the annals of American history.

You can currently see Trigger on display at the Roy Rogers - Dale Evans Museum in Branson, Missouri, stuffed alongside Rogers’ dog, his wife’s horse and even Trigger Jr.

7. Band of Horses

Before this Seattle group emerged, the most famous horse in musical history was America’s “Horse with No Name,” and it’s hard to champion a nameless steed. Thankfully, Band of Horses came to change the state of equines in the music industry. The trio creates country-tinged indie rock loaded with excellent hooks and choruses guaranteed to make your voice hoarse (har har). Unlike other horse-named bands (New Young Pony Club, They Shoot Horses Don’t They), BoH experiences a smidgen of mainstream success, being featured in Urban Outfitters stores and car commercials. They may not be selling out arenas (yet), but they sure are doing better than HORSE the Band.

6. Charlie Horse

The cool kids watched Nickelodeon back in the day, while the uncool-yet-unlame demographic enjoyed Sesame Street. The slightly lamer kids watched Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends. But the true rejects, the kids doomed to a life of wedgies and social shame, enjoyed Lamb Chop’s Play Along, featuring a puppet ewe who acted like a 70-year-old, a slightly lopsided dog, and Charlie Horse, a puppet resembling Cletus the Slackjawed Yokel crossed with Bill Clinton.

As time marched on and I became older and (presumably) wiser, I’ve come to realize Lamb Chop wasn’t so bad (certainly no Sesame Street, but better than Thomas), and part of the reason it isn’t a bad kids’ show is because of Charlie Horse, the lovably stupid and bucktoothed horse puppet. Charlie Horse displayed some funny, as opposed to the stiff-as-a-plank comedy stylings of Lamb Chop and Hush Puppy. He was funny in a Chris Farley “ha ha he’s not very smart” sort of way, but at least he wasn’t David Spade-ish. Charlie Horse, then, should be considered the funniest horse in the history of horsedom, a jokester wearing an ugly hat and lacking sufficient dental coverage. The puppet’s greatest achievement of all time was landing his own show, the poorly titled Charlie Horse Music Pizza. You know you’ve made it big when you have your own children’s show on PBS set in a pizza parlor where Dom Deluise works. Not many horses can brag about a TV show, even if it’s one the reviled kids of the playground watched.

5. The horse from The Godfather
To this horse, I say:

Congratulations! You are a part of one of the most famous movie scenes of all time!

Sorry your head had to be cut off.

4. Barbaro

Most American heroes accomplish something before being showered in love and praise from the public. Not Barbaro. The 2006 Kentucky Derby einner entered the Preakness with Triple Crown hype beginning to swell, some speculating he would finally be the horse to win the three biggest horse races of the year, a feat not accomplished since 1978. Barbaro wouldn’t come close to capturing the coveted title, though, as he collapsed out of the gate at the rest, breaking one of his legs. The injury could have cost the racing horse his life.

And that is where the mania sets in. A large number of people watched anxiously to see whether Barbaro would pull through, creating memorials and sending the horse cards wishing him the best. The rest of the nation stared at these people and wondered what chemical plant they had been born next to. Seriously, the Barbaro-holics treated the horse like he was the second coming of pony Christ. Eventually, Barbaro kicked the slop bucket and went off to lick the holy salt lick, but plenty of reminders of his Earthly life dot our fine country. A Barbaro statue sits outside Churchill Downs, the University of Florida offers a scholarship in the horse’s honor and there exist Barbaro Beanie Babies. The only other dead people to earn immortality in the form of a collectible stuffed critter are Princess Diana, Jerry Garcia, the Pope , important American historical figures and Roger Federer (though he’s still alive). When a horse can drum up crazy obsession like this, that horse must be doing something right. Or humanity can just be in mass decline.

3. Secretariat
Well duh. Winning the Triple Crown earns a top 3 horse ranking.

2. Quick Draw McGraw

Let’s not focus on his cartoon program, his sponsorship of Sugar Smacks cereal, his drawl, his influence on the world of professional wrestling or his racist sidekick Baba Looey. Quick Draw McGraw left quite an impact on this world, but he isn’t this high on the horse list because he’s referenced in tons of rap songs or because he beat up baddies with the help of his trusty “kabonger.” No, he’s here because he beat the laws of nature. Note how he stands on two hooves embracing the saying “four legs good, two legs better.” Even more mystifying, Quick Draw somehow developed an opposable thumb, allowing him to hold guns and guitars. How he did it only he, Baba Looey and Hanna-Barbera know the answer.

Quick Draw misses out on the top spot because he Uncle Tom’d his own species far too many times to appease “the man” (mankind). Frequently in his cartoons, Quick Draw rides other horses for transportation and even operates a horse-drawn carriage. Quick Draw’s accomplishment’s can’t be diminished, but by turning his back on the horse community and embracing the saddle weighing down his thoroughbred brothers, he can never take the top spot.

1. Mister Ed

Mister Ed could talk, yes, but his ability to master the English language isn’t why he’s the greatest horse ever. No horse helped bridge human-horse relations more than this talkative beast. Unlike Quick Draw, who pandered to the law of man, Mister Ed demanded respect from those who stood upright, never giving into human demands and not being afraid to unload some of that old-fashioned horse sass on anyone who tried to tame the uber-smart pony. But Mister Ed was an ambassador between the two species, and thus did all he could to learn about human ways and culture.

Ed wasn’t perfect - he constantly fell in love with mares, briefly became an “appleholic” (Episode 76) and dislikes the Japanese (Episode 94). His flaws only made him wiser though, and don’t diminish his many accomplishments. Some of his many great feats: he wrote a hit song (Episode 15), flew kites (Episode 57), entered newspaper word contests (Episode 80), played pool (Episode 105), wrote to Dear Abby (Episode 106) and flew a plane (Episode 114), among other adventures. No horse has ever tried, let alone mastered, as many skills as Mister Ed, and I doubt any steed will ever be able to coach for the Los Angeles Dodgers (Episode 81) or write a best-selling memoir (Episode 135). The final show of Mister Ed’s TV career finds the horse not retiring or selling out his kind – he decides to attend college, in an effort to broaden his mind and help the world even more.

Also, he’s the only horse to ever have surfed. Greatest. Horse. Ever.