Maybe you got a little bored of Monday nights at The Keg. Maybe, after consuming enough drinks to effectively tranquilize a large animal, you stumbled into a new environment — oh, let’s say, a pasture. Maybe you met someone new. He was tall, dark and handsome, and after a little horsing around, the two of you headed back to your room. Hours later, you awoke.

…To find that you had taken home a horse.

Oh sure, the complaints are rampant and common at Horsewestern: Norris is too out of the way, the meal plan rips you off, the dating scene sucks, I took home a horse and now the morning after is awkward. Well, those problems are not going to just go away. Norris ain’t moving anywhere fast, and you’re still going to take home horses, wake up and wonder what the hell you’re supposed to do now. So here’s your field guide for what to do the morning after when the elephant in the room is, well, a horse.

Don’t panic: It’s horseplay, not horsework.

So maybe he’s not the purebred stallion you remember from the night prior — think less Moroccan Barb or Thoroughbred, more oh-so-your-mom-slept-with-a-donkey mule. But as bad as you may think this is, DO. NOT. SCREAM. One, you’ll offend the poor guy; and two, the sound might spook him, which could cause the horse to buck his legs or kill your roommate. Stay calm.

You’re both probably feeling a little uncomfortable, so have a sense of humor about the situation. Yeah, you took home a horse, but he went home with a human! Wait until the guys back at the stable here about this one!

Be hospitable: Hay is for horses, but manners are too!

Ask the horse if he would like something to eat — after all, he is your guest. Most horses enjoy Timothy Hay, but grass is also a fine substitute. Luckily, patches of grass are finally reappearing on campus, so you shouldn’t have any trouble here.

According to eHow.com, horses require two pounds of hay (or grass) for every 100 pounds of body weight. Of course, you can’t ask the horse you just spent the night with what he weighs — that’s just rude — so you’ll have to venture a guess.

If the horse is nursing a hangover, make sure you offer him some Advil. The whole bottle should do just fine.

Get on your feet (or hooves) and evaluate how you feel

You can’t take him home to meet the folks, and your friends won’t understand — they’ll just question what it is exactly that you’re getting “straight from the horse’s mouth.” You can never have a sexual relationship, because it would break about 53 laws and you’d probably actually die. But ask yourself: Was last night just a one-night-stall — er, stand — or was it something more?

Horses are noble creatures, admired for their breeding, gait and beauty. And you wouldn’t be the first to transcend species: Beauty and the Beast and Who Framed Roger Rabbit exemplify what can be a beautiful relationship between man and beast, and we all know that April was “Dear Diary”-ing one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Don’t cross this stallion’s name out of your black book if your feelings are real.

Besides, have you really ever met anyone better at The Keg? Just saying…