Let’s face it: all girls have a soft spot for creepy guys. Just ask Ashley Alexandra Dupré, the call girl to ever-delightful former New York governor Eliot Spitzer… her soft spot was money. Who can resist the passing wink of a construction worker or the unexpected flattery of getting honked at on your way to the library? Girl, you were wearing those sweatpants. But where to pick up the creepster of your dreams?

A creepster who’s perfected the art of the Shady Man Mating Dance. Take note of the artfully exposed chest hair, scruff-and-stache combo, and quasi-wistful expression of mystery. Photo by jason.lengstorf on Flickr, licensed under the Creative Commons.

If your preference is older men, look no further than Evanston’s very own The Keg. These creepsters can often be spotted in their natural habitat, sulkily lurking around the dance floor looking for younger prey (girls around their daughters’ age). This breed of creepster is quite a dependable species, so if you don’t find your Mr. Creepy on the first Keg excursion, there’s always next Monday to meet another!

If older men aren’t for you, the Northwestern 2012 Facebook group is a great place to start looking for those baby-faced heartbreakers. Here you’ll find high school seniors eager to find a way into your wise and experienced heart. Comparing SAT scores and “playing the question game” are two great ways to warm up a prospie before really getting to know them. These creepsters-in-training are extra-great if you’re a multi-tasker — you can have your lover while simultaneously honing your peer advising and babysitting skills on the side.

Some girls complain that since Northwestern is a major university, they can’t find that motorcycle-riding bad boy that they’ve been looking for. Ladies, look no further than Burger King. While chances are high for sighting a bad-boy-creepster even in the daytime, these relatively nocturnal creatures come out in droves at the prime hour of 2:30 a.m. Just be careful that the police don’t find them first.

If you prefer a more introverted breed of creepster, you can find one right here on campus in the Plex Dining Hall. Since everyone in Plex lives in singles, these brooding introverts are eager for some love and human contact. They are easily approachable because they hardly ever sit in groups, so pull up a chair and strike up a conversation. This might be easier to do in the East dining hall, where you can casually say something like “What sauce are you putting on your pasta?” in the made-to-order line. As an added bonus, maybe you’ll get invited back to his single, and you’ll never have to worry about sexiling a nonexistent roommate.

If you’re not into starting a relationship, joining your regional network on Facebook is sure to attract a less-committed creepster. He’ll probably peruse your profile and poke you (and we all know what that means). If it’s been a day and you haven’t gotten a poke yet, try using a more seductive profile picture. Ditch that picture of you and your friends all sweaty at DM for a close-up of you looking your best. You might want to browse through the MySpace graveyard for inspiration. It should also be noted that since creepsters are quite paranoid, they will always believe you’re hiding something. In order to gain his trust, understand that the less clothes you wear in the picture, the more honest you’ll appear.

But don’t be frightened, because if you’re not looking for something serious it’s easy to turn down this virtual flattery. Just remove him from your friends list or block him from your profile. Getting rid of a creepster can be just as easy as finding one in the first place.