There’s no beating around the bush: It’s Sex Week. And what better way to celebrate these flirtatious festivities than with a review of the greatest political sex scandals of all time? You probably have an answer to that question, but keep it to yourself… it’s probably better that way.

Thomas Jefferson: This Founding Father of the United States was also a founding father of political sex scandals. He is accused of keeping his slave, Sally Hemmings, as a concubine. Supposedly, she gave birth to his illegitimate son. This is still a disputed allegation, though there is more evidence for the claim than against it based on modern genealogical studies.

FDR: He was the mastermind behind the New Deal, the commander-in-chief during World War II, and arguably the most influential president of the twentieth century. Yet Roosevelt spent most of his private life engaged in a clandestine affair with his young secretary, Lucy Page Mercer. Eleanor found out early on, and offered him an ultimatum: file for divorce or end the affair. Under strong pressure from his mother, FDR agreed to stop seeing Lucy. However, their correspondences never stopped and she visited him whenever the First Lady was out of town, right up until he suffered a fatal cerebral hemorrhage. In her presence.

JFK: He was the King of Camelot, the leader of the free world, with arguably the hottest First Lady ever. And yet, the world (or Jacqueline Kennedy) was not enough for this playboy president. He claimed to suffer from a headache if he didn’t get “a strange piece of ass” every day. He frustrated Secret Service agents with his constant one-night stands when Jacqueline wasn’t living in the White House, which was often. And who can forget Marilyn Monroe, that silver screen sex icon? Her rendition of “Happy Birthday, Mr. President” is still hot fifty years later. Oh yeah, and Bobby got the sloppy seconds.

Bill Clinton: You knew he was coming. At least, that’s what she said, she being Monica Lewinsky looking at her stained blue dress. This affair, and the resulting impeachment trial, during which Clinton explained that the Oval Office definition of “sexual relations” did not include blowjobs, was one of the great non-sequiturs of twentieth century political history. The important thing to remember is that Hillary stuck by him through the whole ordeal. And now, if she wins the White House, we’ll have to pray that she doesn’t take her revenge on some hapless male intern. Knock on wood… except, not her… well, you get the idea.

Mark Foley: Finally, political scandals entered the digital age. This Republican Congressman was accused of sending sexually explicit emails and instant messages to his male teenage pages. Reading the transcript of one conversation is particularly disturbing, as Foley conducts a bizarre interview about the page’s masturbatory habits, penis size, and general perceived sexiness. Foley claimed that he was drunk, which seems like a laughably unoriginal excuse. After the whole scandal went public, Foley quickly resigned, and revealed his homosexuality in a statement through his lawyer.

There you have it: all the worst parts of sex in a nutshell. Don’t get too depressed, though. All but one of these five politicians are still insanely popular, despite their sexual forays. The moral of the story? One out of every five sexual relationships ends in absolute disgrace. That sounds about right.