Six was the new eight this week, as Tricia Helfer took the number eight spot on FHM’s 100 Sexiest Women List. Now if only Battlestar Galactica could garner similar praise. Here’s what you need to know about this week’s BSG episode, “Escape Velocity.”

Warning: Spoiler Alert!

Would you like some clarity with that knuckle sandwich? Photo courtesy of the Sci-Fi network.

The episode starts off with a mopey Chief eulogizing at Cally’s funeral ceremony. Tory, who drops no hints that she murdered Cally, tries to comfort the Chief by telling him he’s perfect so he shouldn’t feel guilt. (Tory also tells Gaius about her idea of perfection, whilst trying to get it on.) Distracted by his conflicting feelings, the Chief fails to fix a raptor forcing it to do an emergency landing. During the landing the raptor crashes and blows up. Though no one dies, the Chief still feels bad and sinks deeper into his depression. Adama tries to comfort the Chief by talking about what a good person Cally was, but the chief has an outburst and calls Cally a shriek who smelled bad and had dull eyes. He argues with Adama some more and gets demoted. The chief is left at the bar looking very confused.

Watching the Chief deal with Cally’s loss reminds Colonel Tigh of his own wife. Eager to learn how to get rid of his feelings of guilt and pain, Tigh constantly visits the jailed Caprica-Six, who he keeps imagining as his wife. During his last visit he sends all of the prison guards away so he can be alone with the toaster. Caprica-Six genuinely seems to want to help Tigh; therefore, she pummels him into the ground thinking that a beating will provide him with clarity he desires. Tigh asks for more but Caprica-Six ends up making out with him. (Come ON! I’m sick of this!)

Gaius and his crew are attacked by a fundamentalist religious group, The Sons of Aries, whose members don’t like Gaius’ message of a one true God. Egged on by the Six in his head, Gaius takes his revenge by storming into a religious ceremony and insults the Gods in front of everyone. He’s sent to jail where he’s visited by a tired Roslin who tells him that she’s not in to mood to endure him. Roslin passes a law that limits Gaius’ religious gatherings to 12 people, effectively making Gaius and his followers homeless because their portion of the ship already has 12 people in it. Gaius sees Head-Six again and follows her orders to stand up for his beliefs. He gets beat up by security guards but is saved from a total smack down by Lee, who holds a vote and overrides Roslin’s orders. Expanding on Tory’s idea of perfection, Gaius tells his followers that God loves them because they are perfect the way they are. Gaius’ followers let out a cheer and a disgusted Lee walks away.

Opinion:
I am so bored with this season. It’s unbelievable how uninteresting these first episodes have been. It’s as if some horny guys over at Sci-Fi told the BSG writers to replace all relevant plotlines with make out sessions. After Cally’s death I thought that the show was about to pick up and go back to the good ol’ days of actively looking for Earth and running from the Cylons. I was wrong. I don’t care about Roslin’s relationship with Adama and I don’t care about Tory’s newfound attraction to Gaius. I care about the final five, I care about the cylons and I care about finding Earth, dammit!

Quotation of the Week: Are you worshipping Zeus? A king of the gods who, let me tell you, also happens to be a serial rapist! – Gaius Baltar

Next Week: Kara Thrace is having problems on the Demetrius. She invites Number Two on board and tells the crew they should trust the cylons to help humans find the way to Earth. It looks like Helo, Gaeta and the rest are going to mutiny.