Disclaimer: I detest coffee. Not caffeine, mind you: I drink enough Diet Coke on a daily basis to fill the SPAC swimming pools. I just hate the taste of coffee. I don’t care how much caramel, whipped cream or PCP you throw on top of the brew, you’d have to load me up on Novocain before I’d let a drop of that stanky-lookin’ drink touch my tongue.

So, since I loathe lattes so, I rarely think about it. But while browsing YouTube today, I stumbled upon the video for Augustana’s latest single, for the song “Sweet and Low.”

Besides the fact you’d need a pretty strong batch of joe to stay awake during this yawn-tastic song, the title reminds me of the substance you mix into coffee to make it taste better. I truly hope Augustana did this on purpose, referencing a powder packaged in pink pouches for a song title. That’s as far as the comparison goes, but it opened up a gateway to more songs about or kind of about coffee. First off, Blur’s “Coffee and TV.”

Yeah, the beverage is in the name, but the caffeine-heavy drink plays a central role in the song. Along with television, coffee is the only thing keeping the narrator going in his dreary life. I feel a lot of people use coffee as a way to just keep going (or at least pull all-nighters), so this song has that going for it! Next up, Young Joc’s “Coffee Shop.”

Of course Mr. Joc isn’t singing about coffee or a fictious coffee shop. No rapper with an ounce of cred would flow about Seattle’s Best. He’s most likely singing about crack. Most rappers sing about that now a days. Another rapper, Aesop Rock, also named a song after the drink.

I have no idea what’s going on in this song, but I feel coffee does actually play some sort of large part in it, maybe as a screed against culture. You can never tell with Aesop. But sweet rhymes! Let’s get a little trip-hoppy with Tricky’s “Black Coffee.”

Creepy stuff, with the title beverage being a bitter reminder of how sad life has gotten for the narrarator. Most of these songs seem to be sad. How about one made up of pure rage? Say hi to Black Flag’s “Black Coffee!”

A Last.fm search for “coffee” reveals way too many tracks to tackle at the moment (I have a midterm folks), but I leave you with the most awesome song about coffee ever. Old Blue Eyes serenades the world with “The Coffee Song,” including the gem “they have a zillion tons of coffee in Brazil.”

What the hell is potato juice????