This week may not have been as “sexy”, but Syesha’s performances were still hot. Photo courtesy of AmericanIdol.com.

We’re down to the top five, which can only mean one thing. Each performer must sing twice in a effort for the producers to drag out the show for a full hour. Apparently AI is just not half hour material. It’s not your generic sitcom or Real World episode. This is serious business, picking a singer who may or may not have an illustrious career and who may or may not (likely may) be overshadow by his/her non-winning competitors.

The mentor this week is Neil Diamond. He is about to release his 26th studio album. I can’t pick on Neil Diamond. He’s reached legend status, and I cannot bring myself to do it. I’m losing my edge.

Here’s a rundown of all the major players in this week’s ridiculousness:

Round One!
First up is blunt boy Jason Castro. He sang “Forever in Blue Jeans”. I must say, he is the weirdest cowboy I’ve ever seen. I’ve never seen a cowboy with dreadlocks. Ever. I’m from Texas, people. Cowboys happen. Anyway, it was pretty darn decent. I might even vote for him tonight. Well, considering that I don’t vote for anyone, likely not.

David Cook- He sang “I’m Alive”. I love the guitar. It looks like it’s out of Guitar Hero. I didn’t like the start of “I’m Alive”, but once he put some more life in it, I appreciated it. I love the cockatoo hair. I love that jacket, too. It’s pretty safe to declare that I’m in love with this man. In fact, I am currently in competition for his affection. Apparently Ace is already married to him, but I’m not opposed to being a homewrecker. Denise Richards and I are on the same level.

Brooke- “I’m a Believer” was the first song to be slaughtered by BW. I wonder if her middle name starts with an M. If so, that’s some great planning on the part of her rentals. Anyway, the song sounded really hokey and once again the mouth moved independently from what her brain directed it to do. For a song so peppy, it was a little boring. At least she’s smiling. She cries so much, it puts Ricky from Project Runway to shame. Sorry, Ricky. You’re just not as accomplished of a crier as little Miss Brooke is.

David Archuleta- “Sweet Caroline” was first up and I was slightly disturbed. He can’t sing about touching people. What is it with twelve year olds and wanting to touch people? When I was in middle school, that was called sexual harassment. As usual, he’s good. And it’s boring. He’s so good he’s boring.

Syesha- She sang “Hello Again”. She looks absolutely beautiful. I love the bare feet and the beautiful blue dress. It was a very good performance. But just good. And America kind of hates this girl. You have to get some roofie dust touched by Jesus to overcome that.

Round one comments in extreme brevity:
Randy- Jason’s okay, DC is good, Brooke is karaoke, David is da bomb, and Syesha is in the zone.
Paula- Does it really matter?
Simon- hated everyone. Shocking.

Round Two!

Jason- Second up was “September Morn’”. This was good, too. It’s kind of steamy. Geez. Maybe I should reconsider spending Septembers with David Cook. I’m kind of enchanted. I really hate to admit that, but I would rap myself in his dreads if he promised to wash them first. Once again, Randy thought it was just okay. Paula said it was safe. Simon said it was forgettable, that he doesn’t know where the real Jason has been the past two weeks, and there was no attempt to make the arrangement original. That’s some harshality there.

David C.- He sang “All I Really Need is You”. The verdict is that I’m still in love. I take that back about Jason. It was delicious. That high note was so hot. Oh, wow, I sound like Paula. Randy is a huge Cook fan. Paula was proud. Simon thought the first song was okay and that the second was brilliant. You know, sometimes the Idols are like Einstein. Those smarties with their bagels. Brilliant.

Brooke- She sang “I am… I said”. I really like that top. Let me borrow that top. I’m a little shocked she admitted to writing a lyric on her hand. I guess it’s not really that big of a deal because she can’t see her mittens while stroking the keys, but seriously? At least it was good. Pretty much 1 million percent better than the first song. Nice job, baby, according to Randy. Skipping Paula’s rambling commentary. Simon reaffirmed that he “really, really hated” the first song. It was kind of a backhanded compliment. Not fantastic, but good and better than the first. So be proud that at least you didn’t suck twice.

David A- He sang “America”. How many lyrics does this song have? For the first five minutes of this too long performance, he just kept reaffirming that random people are coming to America. That’s so darn fabulous for them. Still, it was enjoyable. Randy liked it. Paula thought it was the perfect song for him to sing. Simon really liked it and thought it was clever. After all, manipulation is the American way. I guess Benedict Arnold taught those Brits something about Americans.

Syesha- She closed the sparkling diamond of the night with “Thank the Lord for the Night Time”. (You don’t have to tell me that was bad. I just really like diamonds, so it stays.) It was very soulful and energetic. She’s so charming, you want to like her so badly, even when she sings poorly. But this wasn’t one of those times. She was excellent. Randy liked it. Paula liked it. She even said the three little words (I love Syesha!), which made it a special moment. Simon thinks she may be in trouble. He didn’t think her second song was as memorable as some of the others.

I feel like Syesha was the best of the night, but I fully expect her to go home tomorrow. Unless Jesus comes by with the roofie dust.

Favorite quotes:
“My husband has a man-crush on Ryan Seacrest.”- sign out in the crowd
“Oh my God, I thought you sang twice.”- Paula after round one, thinking that each contestant had already sang twice
“Brooke. A nightmare.”- Simon
“I feel like I’m already looking at the American Idol.” -Paula on David Cook. Eh? Eh?
“It tickled the boxes, didn’t it?”- Simon

So long, people, until tomorrow when I’ll be bitching about Syesha’s unfortunate departure from the competition. It ought to be that darn Betsy Wetsy doll Brooke. But you know, people sort of have things for dolls than wet themselves.