David Cook blew the competition away, obviously marking his place in the finals. Photo courtesy of AmericanIdol.com.

We’ve made it to the top three, where it’s come down to the high school student versus the actress (who likes big, beautiful shells) versus the bartender. So pretty much it’s Smells Like Teen Spirit (only with less edge), Celebrity Skin (with less I hate life and fakeness), and Bartender (with less T-Pain). Let’s get ready to rumble!

Side note before we start: David Archuleta cannot possibly be in high school. He’s not even tall enough to reach the urinals.

SPOILERS!:

Paula showed up to work looking very pretty, which means that tomorrow she’ll look like a farmer’s wife. Not that farmers’ wives aren’t pretty. They’re just, well, not pretty.

Tonight the judges, Idols, and producers each pick one song for the Idols. I’m sensing some sabotage coming Syesha’s way. Not that she really needs it because America hates her like they hate O.J. anyway.

Round One:
David Archuleta — Paula picked “And So It Goes” by Billy Joel for little Timmy (Fairly Odd Parents. You knew you’d seen him somewhere else). Boring, boring, boring. He’s in his element because it’s a ballad, but that didn’t stop it from being like watching David Blaine sit in a glass box. His voice is beautiful as usual, but who cares? Randy and Paula loved it. Simon thought it was very good, but predictable. Predictable in that it was boring. As usual, the 12 year olds defended DA in unison. Maybe because he can’t defend himself. He can’t say his full name without stumbling. He certainly can’t stand up to the famous stinging rhetoric of Simon Cowell.

Syesha — Randy picked “If I Ain’t Got You” by Alicia Keys for her. I was so terrified, but I shouldn’t have been. It could have easily turned into to Fright Fest at Six Flags with fingers cut off and all, but it was actually outstanding. She looks beautiful in the gold, and her soul is just beautiful. She’s like Jesse McCartney’s dream girl. It’s her beautiful soul, man. Don’t let another minute go to waste. All the judges liked it, but Randy thought it was predictable. Except that he’s the most predictable person on the planet. Um, “da bomb”, “dawg”, and “that was hot” whatever whatever.

David Cook — Simon picked “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” by Roberta Flack for the superior David. He sang it so sensually and tenderly. Some old lady (the stage manager) stood up and just vibed with him. It was like hippie free love with Debbie the stage manager. It’s beautiful, man. If you haven’t realized it, I miss Castro and his “brain being dead”. I’ve taken up his job. Simon and Paula liked it. Randy really did like it too, but took a stab at Simon disguised (poorly) as a stab at Cook. Not cool. In fact, fail.

Round Two:
David A — David picked “With You” by Chris Brown. This is his pick? This is so bad it’s Gigli. He’s trying to be teen heartthrob in J14. But he’s just not Chris Brown. Or even Anthony Michael Hall. And he cannot dance. Like Eliza Dushku in Bring It On. You are so sure whatever is happening, it needs to stop. Randy didn’t like it. Paula liked it (it’s the booze talking). Simon thought it was awkward and not him. Because he’s 12, and 12-year-olds don’t have “boos.” They write stupid notes between classes and then break up before the day is over. Trust me, I know pre-teen heartache.

Syesha — She picked “Fever.” And she worked a chair like a top-notch Scores stripper. She’s “All That Jazz” in that dress singing and dancing seductively. I beat you that bass player didn’t know whether to flip up or down. Randy and Paula were surprised by the song selection. Randy liked it, but Paula disagreed. Simon thought it was lame cabaret.

David C. — He picked “Dare You To Move” by Switchfoot. I didn’t like this. I like the chorus, but overall, I dare you to refrain from changing the channel. At least the flower on the guitar is pretty. Randy didn’t think it was his best and thought it was pitchy. Paula wanted more. Meaning that he didn’t really resolve the song. Simon thought the middle round was just okay overall.

Round Three. Let’s knock a bitch out like Ali!:
David — The producers chose “Longer” by Dan Fogelberg. Boring, is all I can say. Randy thinks he could sing the phone book, which may be true. Hearing Dan Fletcher, David Florence, and Amanda Fly would probably be more interesting than this gooey mess. Paula and Simon liked it. Surprise, surprise.

Syesha — The producers picked “Hit Me Up.” She’s such a good performer. Her voice isn’t the best in the competition, but she’s the best performer. But that doesn’t matter. I guess America doesn’t want another Madonna, because Syesha is going home tomorrow. She even looks like a polished star, but it won’t happen. Randy thought it was just okay. Paula doesn’t think it’s going to be good enough to get her into the finals. Simon didn’t think that song gave her a defining moment. But she didn’t pick it. Those bitch-ass producers.

David — The producers picked “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing.” This is so hard. This song is so iconic. I kind of liked it, but the Steven Tyler in me is like, wtf? Yeah, I got a little Steven in me. It’s just like a little Captain. You can’t escape that. But I have to fight the Steven and say that was hot! And that the wedding is definitely still on. Randy said it was just okay. Paula gave a standing ovation and predicted David would be in the finals. Simon declared him winner of the night.

Side note part deux: Did you see that fan freaking out about Ryan Seacrest? He kept looking at the camera and back at Seacrest all joyfully. He couldn’t even believe his life and his possible entry into Ryan’s harem after the show.

Favorite Quotes (a little lacking this week):
“Seeing you singing ‘my boo’…” — Randy
“However, it was a little bit like a Chihuahua trying to be a tiger.” — Simon
“See ya in the finals. That’s what I predict.” — Paula

Winner of the night was definitely David Cook. See you tomorrow night when America picks its daughter’s plaything over a legitimate star. Tootles!