Syesha failed to give voters the “Fever”, resulting in her elimination. Photo courtesy of AmericanIdol.com.

We’re one step closer to crowning the next American Idol, lucky number 7.

So let’s get rid of somebody (except that no one even needs to watch the show to find out who it is because it’s as obvious as Tyra Banks’ obsession with herself). Oh, and of course, SPOILERS!

Paula looked beautiful two days in a row. She must have switched her style soul with Sarah Jessica Parker. Or maybe just her real soul.

Simon’s chest hair made an appearance in a scandalous white shirt partially unbuttoned. I’m sure Ryan could hardly stand to wait until the commercial break.

The Idols sang “Aint No Stoppin’ Us Now.” It was beyond cheesy. Even Vanilla Ice would not approve. Maybe that’s because he’s delusional about his own authenticity, but still. Then all the young girls go crazy over David Archuleta’s weird hip-swaying. I think he’s trying to experiment with hip dislocation, but maybe that’s just me.

The cheesy, horrible performance was followed by a stupid Ford commercial with an experiment in illegal driving for David Archuleta. You must be at least 16, sweetheart. The only cars you can drive are Hot Wheels cars.

Fantasia performed with red hair and red lips, looking like some troll that plays under the bridge. American Idol should have provided subtitles. The only thing that could be understood was that passionate yelling made an appearance. Maybe she wanted to try out speaking in tongues for a while. Creative artistry and all. Except that she lost her creativity when she stole her dance moves from a crack whore trying to attract a customer in the back alley. And who was the guy? At least it was high-energy. Simon’s face at the end was priceless. This was the most entertaining three minutes in Idol history. Oh, you thought it was when William Hung sang “She Bangs” way back when? Or Scooter Girl? Or the guy in the cape singing “I Am Your Brother”? False.

Each Idol visited their home town and fans. Beautiful, precious moments happened. Pretty much Kodak all over the place, with every contestant ruining their mascara.

Tonight I learned David Archuleta is from Utah. I feel so sorry for them. Utah hardly exists as a state and now they have to be known as the state where that crying child whose speaking abilities need to be revoked is from. May 9 was declared David’s day by some guy with the most awesome mustache ever. Somebody tell Guinness to put that beautiful, sturdy handlebar in the record books.

Syesha visited her town of Sarasota, Florida. It’s nice to see her with some fans. They always show her alone to reinforce the fact that nobody likes her. Syesha received her own day too, which just so happened to be May 9 as well. Also, Syesha must be the new Oprah if people are handing her their babies. Oh, don’t even pretend like you don’t allow Oprah to police your kids. And the mayor did a handstand for Syesha. Book that lady for the next Olympics. Carly Patterson who?

David Cook is from Blue Springs, Missouri and he’s got a lot of fans. Even some that cry like they’re giving birth when he signs autographs. His brother Andrew convinced him to audition for Idol because he is a genius. Somebody knight that guy. However, David didn’t get his own day like the other Idols. Guess he just wasn’t that special. I don’t know what Blue Springs is doing with their day-giving-away opportunities. Maybe giving them to influential strippers because the only things in Missouri are exotic dance bars (if you think the Midwest is exotic) and St. Louis.

Side note: How did David Cook become so hot? Because, if your Alzheimer’s isn’t in full swing yet, you will remember that he used to look even less attractive than little David. In fact, he looked like David Bowie. Granted, that can still net you Iman, so I guess it’s not such a bad life after all.

Now, it’s no surprise who made the finale because Syesha couldn’t win fans over with a nice warehouse of cocaine. And sure enough, she was eliminated. The Idols in the finale are both named David, but they couldn’t be more different. For one thing, one aspires to reach puberty while the other aspires to became the greatest word wizard ever. Somebody needs to alert Webster he’s being challenged. Or Twista. Sometimes, I’m not sure.

Time for a sad glimpse at reality. Now that Syesha’s off the show, her dad can’t get that natural high anymore. Maybe he can look up Jason Castro and they can enjoy the clouds together.

Favorite Quotes:
“Not sure many people are going to be there.” – David Archuleta and his fake humbleness. Melinda Doolittle lessons are in order to teach some real humility.
“I struggled through drugs and alcohol for years, and this is like a natural high for me.” – Syesha’s dad; made even better by Syesha’s “Awww”. Kind of not a cute moment there, Syesha.
“What shade of red is that?” – Seacrest “I don’t know, Ryan, I just tried it.” – Fantasia

Well, see you next week when Idol picks its favorite David. Tootles!