He’ll stand in front of an American flag, but he (sometimes) won’t wear one on his lapel. For shame.

In the United States, true patriots walk around draped in the American flag 24/7. But, as the red-white-and-blue–all-over look isn’t exactly D.C. dress code, many politicians wear flag pins on their lapels instead. This practice has become especially prevalent since 9/11, and the pins are regarded as a visible reminder that, boy, our elected officials sure do love America.

Of course, there’s a bad boy in every bunch. In October of last year, the media made a big fuss over the fact that presidential hopeful Barack Obama does not always participate in this sacred convention of the American politician. In fact, he said outright that he would prefer to show his patriotism in other ways — through ideas, for instance. His opponents, however, labeled him un-American because of his refusal to sport the fashion convention of the modern politician.

It’s simple: Wearing a flag pin makes you a patriot. Refusing to wear a flag pin means you hate America. Ergo, Obama hates America. Case closed.

This isn’t the first time Obama’s patriotism has fallen under question. In September of last year, he was photographed without his hand over his heart during the national anthem. Of course, this wasn’t really a big deal — a lot of people don’t put their hands over their hearts during the national anthem — but add to that the lack of a flag lapel pin, and suddenly Obama isn’t patriotic. He doesn’t love his country enough to lead it. At least, that’s the message Obama’s opponents were hoping the American people would take away from all of this.

(Also, he moved to Jakarta when he was six. Very un-American, if you ask me.)

The furor over his nonexistent pin seemed to have died down until last month, when Obama was handed a flag pin by a veteran and asked to wear it. He did, and instead of placating demanding pin fans, it only alerted the media once again to the intermittent bareness of Obama’s lapel.

Questioning the patriotism of the people asking the nation permission to lead our country is valid. After all, the presidency is something of a sensitive job, and we want a candidate who isn’t going to sell state secrets to Luxembourg because he or she has a grudge against Uncle Sam. On the other hand, the amount of time and energy the media has put into Obama’s lapel pin debate is not only ridiculous, it’s insulting to the people who want to talk about the real issues.

Of course, Obama has done his best to make it clear that his patriotism doesn’t rest on his lapel:

“I have never said that I don’t wear flag pins or refuse to wear flag pins… This is the kind of manufactured issue that our politics have become obsessed with and, once again, it distracts us from what should be my job when I’m commander-in-chief, which is going to be figuring out how we get our troops out of Iraq and how we actually make our economy better for the American people.”

Their hands may be over their hearts… but where are their flag pins?!

But his explanation didn’t pacify everyone. Karl Rove in particular is still pretty pissed. CNN reports that he told an NRA crowd last Friday, “Belittling all those who care to wear our country’s flag, calling them false patriots, and then when you focus on the general election, like this week, start to showing up with an American flag on your lapel again. That’s distracting.”

Bad grammar aside, Rove clearly considers the flag-pin issue a big deal. He even used the word “distracting,” with which I couldn’t agree more. But when people start making country-western parodies of the ordeal and posting them on YouTube, it’s safe to assume that the issue is no longer being taken seriously by the American public. Or is it?

As Americans we take our symbols — the national anthem, the flag, etc. — very seriously. But second to Hillary Clinton’s cleavage, this may go down as the most superficial argument of the entire election season. We could just halt the entire election process right now and have a walk-off, Zoolander-style. A fight-to-the-death runway show is just what this country needs to get our next president in good standing with the fashion police.

Obama isn’t the only one that doesn’t always sport a flag pin. Hillary Clinton, John McCain, Josiah Bartlet(t), Karl Rove, George Washington — all America-haters, if you ask their lapels.

Wearing a pin on your lapel doesn’t make you a patriot. Using, believing in and fighting for the protection of your rights as an American — including the freedom from being forced to wear a symbol — is the real embodiment of patriotism. Also eating as many apple pies and hot dogs as possible.

But just to make sure this doesn’t happen again, I propose a Constitutional amendment requiring all politicians to wear a uniform. It would consist of blue jeans, a t-shirt sewn out of a real American flag, and a star-spangled cowboy hat. That way our elected officials would never forget the great country for which they work. AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!