Dear Lindsay Lohan,

Sorry I’ve been ignoring you for the past couple of years. See, after Mean Girls, when everything started going downhill, I just decided you weren’t cheeky enough for me.

But that stunt you pulled with the coat, I gotta say, that was great. I mean, “accidentally” stealing the mink coat of some rich Columbia bitch—that’s priceless. And then returning it reeking of booze and smoke, with a tear in the lining? Even better. I mean I don’t really blame you—if I was sitting in some lounge in the Meatpacking District (hey, it could happen) and some Ivy League snot with a hot name like Masha Markova was sitting next to me and getting all up in my business with her $11,000 fur coat, I would have wanted to cut a bitch, too. I mean, doesn’t she know that she has to have that thing stored? For Chrissake, Bergdorf’s even offered the service at discount last month.

But really, the best part was when she called you out on it, and then your lawyers contacted hers and were all, “Um, we’re going to bring you something” and she got it back. And don’t worry about that $10,000 suit she’s filing against you—she totes just wants you to fund her next Fendi.

Love,

Alan

P.S.—Hot YSL Tribute bag.