Good Friday evening, Northwestern. As most of you head out to parties, the North By Northwestern Political Crack Team is sitting down in Goodrich awaiting the first presidential debate hosted by the University of Mississippi in Oxford.

After days of speculation as to whether John McCain would leave Barack Obama standing awkwardly onstage by himself, we have a debate. The topic is foreign policy, and pundits all around the country are speculating that Barack is going to come out on top.

Now that the debate is over, we had our participants sum up the night in a rhyming couplet.

Zach: Obama came off as strong and bold. / McCain is smelly, constipated and old.

Lisa: McCain sucks, Obama did best. / But just in case, get orphans bullet-proof vests.

Jason: Obama made his case for America’s throne. / McCain just tried to pass a stone.

Jessi:McCain is old, but he has a pen. /Damn I hope Republicans don’t win again.

Jamie (she wrote a limerick): Two candidates stood on a stage. / One weathered and old with age. / He tried to stand strong / But he pronounced big words wrong. / And the liberals shuddered with rage.

Gabe: McCain doesn’t know how to pronounce Ahmadinejad. / But his face suggested he needed a pad.

Alex: I think Obama held his own. / But I think on Nov 2nd, McCain might pwn.

Aubrey: The problem was that McCain has dementia. / Careful ‘cuz he thinks the KGB’s gonna get ya.

Rena: I’m sorry I can’t write a couplet, all I can think of is monarch butterflies.

Ben: Obama’s collegial and McCain hates spending. / Both rip Wall St. but can’t spark lending.

Mathew: Obama brought intellect, McCain brought passion. / Tune in next Thursday for some fun Palin-thrashin’.

*** 9:40 p.m.

Alex: McCain dominated the end. The platitudes.
Jessi: He had a much better closing argument.
Aubrey: THE END.
Jessi: It’s OVAH.

*** 9:38 p.m.

Jessi: Man, McCain is nailing this at the end.
Gabe: reform. prosperity. PEACE.
Alex: Obama did great in the middle.

*** 9:36 p.m.

Gabe: Wait. Obama’s black???
Rena: “I AM NOT A TERRORIST, GUYS.”
Lisa: Wait, Obama’s black??
Matthew: Where’s Kenya?
Rena: Is that a country?

*** 9:35 p.m.

Lisa: I bet John McCain smells like old. You know?
Benjamin: Like your grandma’s house?
Lisa: I bet he gives you butterscotch candies when you visit the White House.
Rena: He keeps a dish on the desk.
Gabe: I bet Obama smells like Monarch butterflies on a warm, spring day.
Lisa: Monarch Butterflies by Calvin Klein.

*** 9:33 p.m.

Rena: What is a fragile sacrifice?
Gabe: Who am I?
Jessi: Wait, we have treasure?
Rena: What’s going on and why am I in this suit?
Matthew: Pirates of the Carribean 4: Blood and Treasure.
Zach: It’s kept in Dick Cheney’s man-sized safe.

*** 9:30 p.m.

Jessi: I hate flying. I hate having to take my shoes off and put my travel size toothpaste into a zip-lock.
Lisa: Buy your own Al Quaeda franchise today! Now operating in 60 countries
Rena: But guys, if Obama wins then he’ll take our guns and no one will be safe.
Rena: Israeli airports don’t have any liquid restrictions. Somehow that makes me think we’re doing something wrong.
Benjamin: That is his big sell…he will pump up our image abroad.
Jessi: Planes flying INTO this country don’t have that kind of security. American airports smell like feet.
Lisa: What’s the deal with airline food?

*** 9:29 p.m.

Benjamin: McCain: America is safer today than on 911…even with more terrorists
Alex: I will agree with that.
Jessi: We are not safer. In what world are we safer?
Benjamin: Experts argue that the wars have increased the number of terrorists
Matthew: Obama watched last season’s 24.

*** 9:27 p.m.

Matthew: Worst question ever.
Rena: Did that really just happen?
Benjamin: The chance of a 911 attack?
Gabe: Yes. It did.
Benjamin: what kind of question is that?
Are they bookies?
Zach: Where’s Rudyyy?
Jessi: That’s a terrible question.
Gabe: Jim Lehrer is a maverick.

*** 9:25 p.m.

Jessi: Quick guys, it’s almost over!
Lisa: Drink faster!
Aubrey: A market can get hit harder than ours? We don’t have one anymore.
Lisa: Pain that you’re feeling at the pump is something you should talk to your doctor about.

*** 9:24 p.m.

Aubrey: His eyes aren’t focusing. That’s the first sign of a stroke.
Rena: So clearly he didn’t really make very good eye contact with Putin.
Lisa: We should rename our politics blog McCain Stroke-watch ‘08.
Zach: That would be stupid…. we’d have to end it within the next week.

*** 9:23 p.m.

Lisa: “By the way, I went there once”
Benjamin: We don’t want to start a war with Russia, even if McCain has been there and Palin’s neighbors live there.
Matthew: McCain has tons of frequent flyer miles
Lisa: “I was so there, look at my facebook album”
Rena: We just want to make intense eye contact.
Lisa: “I tagged you as a bear.”

*** 9:20 p.m.

Benjamin: The KGB is no longer…it is called the FSB.
Alex: I looked into a drunk girl’s eyes at Hundo last night. I saw DTF.
Rena: My elderly grandmother genuinely thinks McCain has the beginning signs of dementia.
Lisa: Hey, Alex, you promised not to tell anyone.

*** 9:18 p.m.

Gabe: I want to stare into YOUR eyes, Barack, and see YOUR soul
Lisa: No, that’s how you go on a first date with Russia
Rena: They just want to stare soulfully into each other’s eyes
Benjamin: How many of the viewers are going to get the soul allusion?
Aubrey: Us.
Jessi: Not Bush.

*** 9:17 p.m.

Jessi: He said “my friend.”
Gabe: Twice!
Jessica: My friend Henry KissKiss.
Zach: That’s 2 shots!
Benjamin: Obama reads the paper…McCain is a maverick and doesn’t need to.

*** 9:14 p.m.

Aubrey: OMG. Midgets?
Alex: DU!
Lisa: Fuck yes.
Benjamin: Obama: quote Kennedy…never fear to negotiate.
Rena: McCain supports midget wrestling.
Lisa: Maybe I should vote for McCain then.
Lisa: I mean, he’s reaching me on a level I can understand.
Rena: Common people want to drink with him now.
Lisa: Also, short people.

*** 9:12 p.m.

Lisa: Pulling out, telling secrets… wait, what are we watching?
Aubrey: His VP has opinions? I thought she just had cue cards?
Gabe: No, she did, but she lost them before meeting Katie Couric.
Rena: “You can’t even talk to Spain”?
Alex: In fairness, John McCain didnt know who the prime minister of Spain is
Aubrey: Yeah, well Tom Cruise was “Maverick”. Now he’s a fucking nut job.

*** 9:11 p.m.

Jessi: Pointing out Kissinger. Come on McCain, your lady just met with her. Don’t you know his stance on Iran?

*** 9:10 p.m.

Rena: Is this a test of how many Russian words McCain can use in a sentence?

*** 9:09 p.m.

Zach: Achmadina what?
Gabe: BLESS YOU.
Lisa: Something about chlamydia.
Jessi: SHA-vez.
Rena: He’s just sneezing.
Gabe: Or having a stroke.
Natalie: That’s the venereal disease dictator, whichever one he is.
Benjamin: Ahmadinejad has no power…talk about the Ayatollah.

*** 9:07 p.m.

Benjamin: I don’t get it…Georgia is not a democracy, but McCain wants to engage with them, if you know what he means
Alex: Good, the sanctions debate, smart sanctions is what we need for Iran.

*** 9:03 p.m.

Matthew: Sartre is the new cleric there.
Benjamin: And who said McCain didn’t like the French?
Alex: Super Man will chair the League of Democracy
Zach: Like the league of nations?
Rena: Only super.
Benjamin: A League of Democracies…McCain has gone philosopher.
Lisa: Superman isn’t an American citizen.
Can we trust him?
Benjamin: Like Kant, except without the perpetual peace thing
Benjamin: but the French don’t like you
Jessi: Anybody like how his eyes got all shifty when he said “oil revenues”?
Gabe: Europe doesn’t like you.
Benjamin: Ahmadinejad batting cleanup.
Palin pitching.

*** 9:01 p.m.

Lisa: Angry squint.
Zach: I like how John smiles when he talks about attacking countries
Aubrey: McCain’s constipated. Get the prune juice.
Lisa: That’s his “change my bedpan” face.

*** 9:01 p.m.

Lisa: Not a Marriott! They give out warm cookies
Alex: Pakistani-Taliban marriage is destroying the sanctity of marriage.
Lisa: Oh JK that’s a Hilton, don’t care.
Rena: Terrorists hate warm cookies.

*** 9:01 p.m.

Zach: He said 9/11!
Where’s Rudy?
Rena: Somewhere, Rudy Giuliani’s ears are burning.
Alex: Making money of the inevitable economic meltdown
Lisa: Every time someone says 9/11, take a drink and guilt someone into loving America.

*** 8:57 p.m.

Benjamin: McCain sounds like a mob boss…if you have to do things, you have to do things…you don’t tell the American people, of course.
Jessi: “You don’t say things out loud”
Lisa: I hope he has a daughter who gets married so we can ask him to repeal the Patriot Act.
Jessi: Quick: things McCain is not saying out loud right now.
Lisa: That’s how those things work, right.
Benjamin: He has been to Waziristan…he has met Bin Laden.

*** 8:56 p.m.

Jessi: Ok quick, what’s on the blue background?
Rena: Subliminal messages?
Gabe: The constitution.
Lisa: McCain’s slambook?
Aubrey: McCain’s CTECs?
Gabe: The Koran?
Lisa: “For a good time, call Sarah Palin.”
Zach: It’s Obama’s terrorist manifesto.

*** 8:54 p.m.

Jessi: Why does nobody examine the possibility that the surge hasn’t worked?
Lisa: Jim Lehrer is looking a little taxidermied, no?
Rena: His face is permanently frozen in that expression.
Gabe: Taxidermied with energy and life, you mean?
Zach: I think Sarah Palin shot him.

*** 8:54 p.m.

Zach: Osama bin Laden and General Petraeus… sounds like a MoveOn ad.
Gabe: Osama bin Laden and David Petraus have one thing in common. They’re into leather. LEATHA.
Rena: They love men in uniform?

*** 8:53 p.m.

Lisa: Ok, from a psychological standpoint it’s very interesting that they’re both wearing red ties, but not solid red.
Alex: Obama is doing far better than I anticipated.
Zach: He knows he’s right and he is laying it on.
Lisa: Red is power. Diluting it with white stripes / dots is kind of modest too.

*** 8:49 p.m.

Benjamin: Oversights is not a word.
Gabe: I want to play Senate inside baseball! Pick me!
Lisa: McCain is smirking. I don’t like it.
Lisa: Old people should only smirk when stumped by sudoku puzzles.

*** 8:45 p.m.

Benjamin: Desert Storm. Boom.
Jessi: War we’ve won in the past 70 years?
Benjamin: Grenada.
Jessica: We didn’t win Desert Storm.
We screwed up Grenada.
Benjamin: Accomplished the objective.
Lisa: Drugs won the war on drugs, come to think of it.
Jason: Bristol Palin won the war on condoms.

*** 8:44 p.m.

Benjamin: Increased Iranian influence — check. Increased sectarian violence — check. Widened conflict and Al Qaeda persistence — check.
Jessi: Name another war we’ve won.
Since WWII. NAME ONE.

*** 8:44 p.m.

Lisa: True story: I had a friend who went hiking in McCain’s jowels. We never saw him again.
Jessi: Everybody celebrated when we bombed Iraq? Really?
Zach: McCain has no idea what happened in Vietnam, he was in a box.
Rena: That sounds harrowing.
Jessi: I remember some protesting. Here. In ‘Merica.
Benjamin: And we were given flowers after we bombed villages.
Rena: Those were protests of joy.
Alex: McCain should define success.
Matthew: We were greeted as liberators, I think.

*** 8:42 p.m.

Benjamin: The lessons of Iraq…you cannot have a failed strategy that will cause you to lose…really?
You can’t lose a war?

*** 8:38 p.m.

Lisa: Why the hell would they like us? They think we’re a joke. America is Scrappy Doo.
Benjamin: You want to continue and expand it.
Lisa: It’s sad but it’s really true.
Benjamin: You are the chief of the Osama bailout.
Alex: Actually, nuclear power is another issue that McCain is right and Obama is wrong.
Zach: Nuclear power isn’t close to the answer.
Benjamin: Obama is open to nuclear power, in fact.
Alex: You can’t rest on the laurels.

*** 8:34 p.m.

Rena: “Keep up with the Chinese.” Good goal.
Benjamin: I said that the economy is going backward…this quarter’s numbers might indicate that.

*** 8:33 p.m.

Matthew: Why the Ireland shout outs all of a sudden?
Alex: It’s unlike anyother economy in the Western world.
Zach: Because its the only place that Sarah Palin has been.
Alex: Come on John, you know better.
Matthew: He talked about illegal Irish immigrants last week.
Aubrey: They swam over.

***8:28 p.m.

Gabe: McCain: the sheriff
Lisa: THE SHERIFFFF
haha
Shoot the sheriff!
Rena: Does that make Palin the deputy?
Benjamin: I shot the sherriff, but not the deputy.
Gabe: Oh, God. I’m sure there is going to be some comparisons to racist sheriffs shooting African Americans now.. ruh roh.
Lisa: Dick Cheney shoots his friends, Sarah Palin shoots moose, the 2012 VP will probably shoot orphans.

***8:27 p.m.

Jessi: Pork is small.
Lisa: That’s what she said.
Benjamin: Gas is killing them?
Jessi: The gas is killing them? Only if they turn on their cars in the garage…
Alex: Good ole Saul Alinski political theory.
Aubrey: Barack! Raise your hand.
Lisa: It’s a debate. You have to go back and forth.

***8:25 p.m.

Benjamin: McCain is going to veto Palin’s proposals.
Jessi: “This pen is old”???
Lisa: Oh no he dinnit
Rena: Pot, kettle
Zach: His vice presidential nominee has asked for more earmarks per capita for her state than anyone else.

*** 8:23 p.m.

Alex: Earmarking is a month in Iraq.
Benjamin: Earmarks are a straw man.
Rena: Versus the billions of taxpayer money we dump into the black hole that is defense spending?
Gabe: Ugh, SPLURGE.

***8:21 p.m.

Matthew: Gateway drug? Earmarking = marijuana.

***8:20 p.m.

Lisa: Every time McCain refers to something’s fundamentals, finish your drink and punch a baby seal in the face.
Alex: And shoot a wolf from a helicopter.
Benjamin: Palin just did it.
Jessi: And drill in Alaska.

***8:18 p.m.

Gabe: Oh god, he has the Sharpie.
Rena: I always suspect they just doodle with that.
Gabe: No, he points with it.

***8:15 p.m.

Gabe: When was the last time McCain brushed his teeth?
Honestly, INVISILINE.
Jason: He just sounded 500 years old.
Benjamin: Both seem nervous.
Matthew: McCain, the system is down
Benjamin: McCain, you’ve had over two decades to fix the system?

*** 8:07 p.m.

Benjamin: [McCain] a little emotion…
Alex: seems more human than obama
Benjamin: restarted more than his campaign
Zach: more human? or more undead?
Gabe: There we go!
Wall Street vs. Main Street
Alex: He’s got some LONG policy solutions.

*** 8:04 p.m.

Gabe: Applause!
Jessi: No clapping!
Gabe: SHAKE HANDS
Jessi: Standing ovation!
Alex: He has to translate the global economy to kitchen table issues.
Jessi: No kiss on the cheek?
Benjamin: Obama has better posture.
Zach: Well, we all know he’s an elitist.
Jessi: McCain is a war hero. He doesn’t need to stand up straight.
Zach: Answer the question.
Benjamin: Too boring!
Lisa: He seems nervous.

*** 7:58 p.m.

Benjamin: Who look older? McCain or Lehrer?
Jessi: That was an awkward pause.
Gabe: Lehrer is timeless.
Gabe: Obama will connect foreign policy to economy.

*** 7:42 p.m.

Zach: New McCain = old Bush.
Alex: No, worse than old Bush. No compassionate conservatism.