We’ve all heard about Obama and McCain. We’ve even heard about libertarian Bob Barr via those torn-up flyers on Sheridan. But there’s more than just the big guys in this race. Curious, I checked the Web sites of some of the third-party candidates for President. With more spelling and grammar mistakes than Borat, poorly defined issue stances, horrible page design and a healthy dose of xenophobia, the results weren’t too encouraging.

Chuck Baldwin. Public domain photo.

Chuck Baldwin

The Constitution Party is fielding Chuck Baldwin and his Web site proudly announces his tagline as “Let the TRUTH be HEARD!” The passive voice usage is appreciated by me, but the caps-lock-happy style is not too far removed from how we wrote IMs in third grade. One of the first things that you can find out about him is that he is a “is a citizen of the United States of America just like you and me.” I like how he assumes that everyone on the World Wide Web is American. He goes on to write, “Chuck Baldwin is not a politician he is a private citizen who has had many of the same difficult experiences you have had with public education.” Indeed, Americans have had some difficult experiences with public education, like learning what a run-on sentence is. Confusingly, among his list of issues is the pressing topic of “Hope for America.” No dice, Chuck, I’m anti-hope. Next.

Charles Jay

The Boston Tea Party/Personal Choice Party (the party so nice they named it twice?) is supporting the platform of Charles Jay. Charles Jay, you see, is disgusted with politics as usual, writing, “This ain’t April 1st, my friends.” He is not helping his case by making his entire campaign website look like a blog, although that seems to be a popular idea with other candidates. But if you’re worried about his qualifications, you needn’t be. He describes his past as “colorful,” which should raise some “colorful” red flags. Although one might be quick at first to dismiss his 17 years in the boxing industry as completely unrelated to politics, both are usually “grudge matches” between two angry people, with blows exchanged on both sides. Even better, he appeared on Utah’s state ballot in 2004 with an adult film star as his VP. Colorful, indeed.

Alan Keyes. Public domain photo.

Alan Keyes

Being from Illinois, I can remember the 2004 senatorial election well — because of how much of a farce it turned out to be. Of course, the GOP is strong in many states, but it can’t exactly get a foothold around here. However, this didn’t stop the party from fielding one of the most extreme right-wing candidates (Alan Keyes) against this little known state senator named Barack Obama. But to the robust 27% of voters who supported Keyes in 2004 I say, don’t worry, he’s back! Now’s his chance to finally beat Obama! And if you think that you can leave this webpage without some xenophobic food for thought, you’d be wrong. Immigration, he says, is fine, but colonization is not kosher (my rephrasing, if it isn’t obvious). But what is colonization? Apparently it exists when enclaves of people continue to maintain their culture without absorbing completely into the culture of their host country. So the next time he eats a bagel, uses Google (a co-inventor is Russian-born Sergey Brin), or reaps any other cultural benefit that hasn’t been around since the early 1600s, he should probably give his aforementioned statement a second thought. But I wish you luck, Mr. Keyes. Let’s hope for 28% this time!

Gene Amondson

According to a video that loads as soon as the web page opens, Mr. Amondson is running as a member of the Prohibition Party. He cites 1920 to 1933 (a.k.a the years of prohibition) as “America’s best years,” citing a decrease in cirrhosis and an increase in literacy, ignoring trivial matters such as Warren G. Harding’s failed presidency and the Great Depression. Our friend Gene alleges that Mothers Against Drunk driving is “loosing their Battle,” but also that responsible drinking is a “crock” — just like “teaching a pig to eat with a spoon.” But besides coming up with great new similes, what can Amondson do? Well, he wrote a cookbook devoted to pie, and he has a way with oil paintings… and his wife’s watercolors are good, too! Just a final thought: How would this man do in Evanston, home of the temperance movement? NU population notwithstanding, I think I found the answer to many people’s prayers (which is funny, because he is also a priest). Hey, when was the last time we could say we had a painter/priest/awkward simile purveyor/pie chef for president?