Good Thursday evening, Northwestern! If you’re not indulging in Thirsty Thursday, you’re most likely watching the biggest political shitshow since Bob Dole fell off a stage in ‘96: the only vice presidential debate held at Washington University in St. Louis. The Democratic candidate, Senator Joe Biden, and the Republican candidate, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, stand side by side as Gwen Ifill spits out questions ranging from the economy to foreign policy to lipstick on pigs. This is one of the most anticipated political debates in modern history, so get out your beer, put up your feet, and log on to see what North By Northwestern’s Political Crack Team has to say about the 2008 vice presidential two-ring circus.

Now that the debate is over, we had two bloggers sum up the debate in the form of a knock-knock joke, and one in the form of a poem.

Jessi: Knock knock!
Who’s there?
I’m sorry, I can’t answer that question. I only believe in straight talk.

Matt Zeitlin: Knock knock!
Who’s there?
The media!
*hides*

Ian Epstein:
Sarah Palin, mis-behavin’
every night with too much make-up
sad to say but your just fake. Up
went the ratings with Joe Biden
because with him this group was sidin’.
If politics is spin and slag
then Sarah Palin is a hag.
If politics has hope to shine
then this, I’d say, is Biden’s time.
If you would like to vote directly,
don’t forget to stand erectly
as you pull the lever of your defunct voting machine.
But remember, the ATM never screws up.

*** 9:35 p.m.

Jessi: It’s over. That was terribly anticlimactic
Matt Zeitlin: Oh wow, all the cute, blonde Biden grandchildren are coming up!
He has a seriously gorgeous family
Jessi: And…everybody storms the stage!
It’s a party!
Everybody DANCE!

*** 9:31 p.m.

Jessi: Closing statements!
Jeremiah: I’m so glad she classified these softball general questions as tough
Aubrey: “Proud to be an American” <--cue American Idol rejects
Ian Epstein: Biden puts the FUN back in FUN da MEN tal
Matt Zeitlin: Biden should exclusively talk about the middle class and foreign policy. His ratings spike every time he does this. And I think those are the issues that people care about the most. So even if Palin wins “overall,” Biden is winning the issues that are the most important.
Aubrey: HOPE!!! the numbers go up!
Ian Epstein: I get knocked down, but I get up again - anybody?

*** 9:28 p.m.

Jeremiah: VPs aren’t supposed to change the tone. They’re supposed to sit there and look pretty
Aubrey: Then why the hell was Cheney elected?
Jessi: Because he had a gun.
Aubrey: Excuse me?????? She fired people she didn’t like! She fired her mentor.
Jessi: “It’s gonna be okay” thanks Palin! Can I have a bedtime story now?
Matt Zeitlin: “Build up infrastructure” “rein in spending” Those are mutually exclusive…

*** 9:21 p.m.

Jeremiah: The Cubs are getting fucked right now….and under Palin they wont be able to abort that fetus
Ian Epstein: Nation of exceptionalism? Yes. We are specialer than the rest of the world which entitles us to do things like underfund public housing or destroy and manipulate public education and make people pay for cancer treatment…
Jeremiah: Palin’s gold highlights are from the heat of the flames coming from Putin’s eyes

*** 9:16 p.m.

Jessi: Everybody expected Palin to flounder at this debate. She’s actually doing pretty well.
Matt Zeitlin: I mean, she exceeded expectations by stringing together three coherent sentences.
Gabe: The American public agrees with Biden: Vice President Cheney has been the most dangerous vice president in history.
Matt Zeitlin: Trash Dick Cheney, his live response shoots up. It’s nice that Biden is very forthright about Cheney’s absurd legal interpretation of his role
Women HATE Cheney. I love women…

*** 9:12 p.m.

Matt Zeitlin: Scranton! Michael Scott approves!
Aubrey: Her accent is back!
Her reward is in heaven?!?!??!
Matt Zeitlin: What the fuck
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE TEACHERS IN THE HOUSE!
Jessi: Does she even know what a shout-out is? Do they have those in Alaska?
“Of course we know what a vice president does” doesn’t sound very convincing.
Aubrey: Preside over the Senate? When was the last time Cheney showed up at the Senate?
Jeremiah: Do we really want another VP with a shotgun?

*** 9:08 p.m.

Matt Zeitlin: Like how Biden is name-dropping Cheney as much as possible. Makes sense because he’s A. the current VP B. a descendant of Darth Vader and C. the least popular politician ever
Jessi: Ohio LOVES Biden! Loves him!
Matt Zeitlin: foreign policy talk = high ratings of Biden. This has been remarkably consistent throughout the entire debate. Good for him.
Aubrey: He’s looking more alive and in touch with people. Now Ohio likes him.
Ian Epstein: Carefully note that Palin’s American flag pin is ostentatiously at least 5x larger than Biden’s…
Jessi: She just winked again. “When McCain dies, wink wink.”

*** 9:04 p.m.

Ian Epstein: I wish I could decide to withhold my tax money for a particular war if I so choose. Then we could bet on our war of choice and fund it accordingly. It’d be like Vegas for countries to which we allegedly supply aid.
Matt Zeitlin: It’s sad that the ratings are going down when Biden is talking about proliferation. This is probably the most important issue in the world. Nuclear weapons scare me.
Ian Epstein: Anyone remember when Surge was just a coke product?
Jessi: I like how Biden keeps referencing the “little red light” that blinks to let him know that he’s out of time.
Matt Zeitlin: Oh my god, when the facts changed, he changed his mind! Those Washington people!

*** 8:55 p.m.

Jessi: Did she just mention the Holocaust?
Matt Zeitlin: Israel - 200 nuclear weapons, Iran - 0. Not that Iran having a nuclear weapon would be good, it would probably be bad. But let’s be real here…
Zach Ratner: Making a connection between Iran’s saber rattling and a Holocaust seems a little ridiculous
What’s with Joe Biden’s third person tendancies?
Jessi: NUCEAR
There wasn’t even an “L” that time.
Gabe: Despite the historical Democratic Jewish vote, trends have shown it moving towards the right as more Republicans publicly show strong support for the State of Israel
Jessi: Why does she keep bringing up North Korea?
Aubrey: Because she’s kinda close to North Korea. She can see it with her telescope.

*** 8:49 p.m.

Matt Zeitlin: NUKULAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jessi: The Castro brothers! Like the Coen brothers!
Do they make films? About the proletariat?
Matt Zeitlin: THEY HATE OUR FREEDOM! Remember when Bush said that? How stupid it sounded? Yep, still sounds dumb
Jessi: I just love how the Republican line “They hate us” never examines WHY they hate us.
Gabe: It’s interesting that the McCain-Palin ticket has chosen a surprisingly elitist term to describe the foreign policy agenda of Barack Obama, whom they have called “elitist” and “professorial”. They call the Obama policy a message of “naivete”

*** 8:44 p.m.

Matt Zeitlin: Wow, she talks about Iraq, and her numbers crash….She really doesn’t seem confident
Aubrey: I cannot believe she said that. Surrender? Who the fuck is she?
Jessi: Talibani?
Gabe: Both women and men skyrocketed over the “fundamental difference” between Obama and McCain’s Iraq War plans. When Palin called the Obama-Biden plan “a white flag attempt”, their response plummeted
Matt Zeitlin:“I love him” - is there a bromance here…?
Jessi: Biden is nailing this “McCain has been dead wrong” spiel
Zach Ratner: Joe Biden is shining in foreign policy. He’s got twenty something years of experience. She can “see” Russia. The difference is unmistakable

*** 8:40 p.m.

Jeremiah: Women don’t like that Biden supports same sex couples. Bad undecided voters, Bad
Aubrey: Loving the gays! He just lost the Bible Belt.
Jessi: Laugh at foreign policy, audience. Laugh away.
Alex Katz: She’s got a smart game plan: say simple things, don’t get tongue-tied, look good, and smile
Zach Ratner: Foreign policy. If there’s any time for Joe to smack her down, it’s now. This is where the debate will be won.
Gabe: Like her Alaska gubernatorial debate, Palin dodges topics that display her radical views on life, marriage and evolution. She backed up to the original question, moved to the center with Biden and agreed with him.

*** 8:34 p.m.

Gabe: Palin hits another home run: she doesn’t debate the causes of the climate crisis, she addresses the debate on how the new administration will face climate change.
Jessi: Thank you Biden for agreeing that climate change is man made and adhering to science.
Aubrey: Science? Sarah Palin hasn’t heard of that, it’s not in the Bible.
Matt Zeitlin: women are digging this talk about science way more than the men. Go women!
Jessi: “And then God created test tube babies.” Isiah 3:11. No? Anybody?
Did she just say “raping”??? Oh man. Oh no.
I can hear the thunder of a miliions of angry feminists.

*** 8:31 p.m.

Gabe: The debate’s tone has been set in the first twenty four minutes: Joe Biden’s rehearsed, robotic tone is out to get John McCain. On the other hand, Sarah Palin’s personable, steady tone reaches out into the camera and into the home of the American people.
Zach Ratner: At this point, she’s winning.
She isn’t a bumbling idiot
Gabe: She’s never been a blumbling idiot. What liberals forgot was her extraordinary rhetoric skills and formidable debate record
Jeremiah: What debate are you watching? she is awful and rehearsed
Matt Zeitlin: Notice how Palin is always trying to get back to her pre-rehearsed lines (like Energy). This shows that she’s pretty scared and doesn’t really know what’s going on
“I’ll not attribute the activity of man to the changes of climate” EPIC FAIL!!!!
Aubrey: Cyclical temperature changes?? OK, so then Global Warming doesn’t exist…..
Jessi: Ask about dinosaurs!

*** 8:24 p.m.

Jeremiah: Women are really digging what Biden is saying on healthcare according to CNN
Zach Ratner: Men seem not to respond
Alex Katz: She’s throwing out the zingers with a sweet and cheery expression
good move?
Aubrey: That’s all she really knows!
See that vein popping out in her neck?
Ian Epstein: Actually, your area of expertise, Sarah, is Journalism and Communications.
Aubrey: Does she know what “right for the American people” is?
Matt Zeitlin: me, I’m right for the American people
When are we going to hear questions about things vice presidents really do, like shoot old men in the face?

*** 8:20 p.m.

Aubrey:Why are you talking to the government? Aren’t you trying to be the government?
Ian Epstein: Mmmm. One should always distrust one’s government. Particularly when it comes to Foreign Policy
Matt Zeitlin: It’s worth pointing out that getting rid of the tax benefit for employer provided health care would throw people into the individual market. This means they can be rejected for pre-existing conditions or pay obscene rates.
Alex Katz: Joe is mentioning Scranton to “relate” to the little man
Gabe: This might be the only debate in the general election when both pundits and the audience agree: whoever wins won the personality contest.
Aubrey: Palin has a personality?

*** 8:16 p.m.

Matt Zeitlin: “Hockey moms”…umm, she does realize that they play hockey in Canada. It’s a fundamentally Canadian sport. Why does she hate America?
Gabe: If the debate ended now, she would have won.
Jessi: Biden is boring.
Alex Katz: That’s the tenth time she’s said “darn right”
Ian Epstein: They should move the microphone; I can’t see her presidency clearly enough.
Jessi: Don’t nod when she’s talking, Biden.
“I’m not going to answer the questions, but I’m going to talk straight.”

*** 8:13 p.m.

Ian Epstein: She has smile lines. Unelectable.
Alex Katz: Behind Biden’s smile, he really just wants to bitch slap Palin
Jessi: They’re both so lukewarm you could bathe a baby in this debate.
Matt Zeitlin: Palin’s talk about deception and greed is stupid. The problem isn’t the subprime loans per se, but the investment banks securitizing these loans, trading them and never having a good idea of what they were actually worth.
Jessi: Men don’t like Joe Six-Pack!

*** 8:05 p.m.

Matt Zeitlin: Sarah Palin is looking pretty sleek in black. I don’t know, I always thought she looked best in red…
Jessi: Biden has squinty eyes.
Gabe: I want to swim in his hairpiece.
Do some laps, you know.
Matt Zeitlin: Biden is sporting a pretty nice American flag pin. It’s nice to know that he loves America.
Biden is surprisingly subdued, did they slip him some morphine before he went on stage?
Jeremiah: she already just mentioned a soccer game
Jessi: Did hockey just get bumped by soccer?
Gabe: Palin is looking straight into the camera. Unlike Biden, Palin is reaching directly into the American living room.

*** 8:02 p.m.

Jeremiah: wolf blitzer
Jessi: is a god.
Gabe: Gwen Ifill robbed Hillary Clinton’s wardrobe
Matt Zeitlin: Gwen Ifill. Sure, she may <3 Barack Obama, but that turquoise jacket will surely absolve any bias questions. It's so bright.
Jessi: I really like Gwen’s jacket. Nice scallop pattern.