My friends and I have a running joke when we go out: If there is a creepy guy in the room, I will attract him. Maybe at birth I inherited a mutated gene carrying the pheromone scent that sends out an “I LOVE TO BE STALKED!” signal. Or perhaps I have uniquely shaped thumbs that creepers recognize as being ideal to instantly respond to a “Wanna come over and watch Lars and the Real Girl?” text.

For some reason or another, I can never get the chill guy who just wants to hang out. Instead, the kid lurking in the corner makes me creepy proposals, like “When could you join me for a romantic candle-lit dinner for two?” I’m flattered! Really! But all I’m thinking about is how I can ditch the level-five clinger before he asks for my number. Which brings me to my second problem: I’m too nice to just scream “FREAK!”

Maybe you have the same creep-magnet genetic defect I do, or maybe, unbeknownst to you, you ARE the clingy stalker. Either way, the creeping must be stopped.

Photo by Emery Mathieson/NBN.

How to avoid unwanted advances

Imagine that you’re about to enter a public place at roughly 10:30 p.m. Central Time on a Friday. You’re so relieved that the weekend has finally come, but you’re also scared to death of what the winking creeper on your right has in store for you. What could you have done to skip out on attracting that weirdo’s attention altogether? Medill freshman Maddie Boardman suggests surrounding yourself with friends whenever you go out. “Super creepsters aren’t going to approach six girls. And if they do, just scream ‘sketchball!’ and run away.” Boardman also points out that if you’re a girl, you should go out with guy friends as well as girl friends. That way, you’ll have someone to protect you if things get a little too creepy.

Chicago Tribune advice columnist Amy Dickinson has similar counsel. “Meeting new people in a crowd is always easier, I think, if you have a “wing man.” This is someone who might be more outgoing than you – someone who can prod you on and encourage you,” Dickinson says.

For the guys who repeatedly attract the attention of the needy, over-enthusiastic girl looking for true love, all hope is not lost. Communications junior Tim McGovern has a quick fix for you. “Here’s what you do,” he says. “You see them and you say a really quick ‘Hi!’ in passing. Give them a quick slap on the back and seem incredibly interested, but only for a brief moment.” In summary, why not give the person the attention they’re looking for — just in a very condensed version? That way, before they know it, you’re gone and they have to find someone else to cling to. You’re off scot-free, and no one’s going to spread rumors about what a big jerk you are.

Photo by Emery Mathieson/NBN.

Exit Strategies: How to escape politely (or not so politely…)

All right, so maybe you’re one of the chosen few who didn’t quite manage to avoid that guy with the bowl cut and, unfortunately, you’re now “engaged” in horribly agonizing conversation. What can you do to get out (and fast)? Weinberg sophomore Jason Drews says he likes to “talk for a little bit, but then call a friend over and pass the responsibility onto them.” How kind!

Weinberg sophomore Jasmin Avila has a unique tactic she uses to ditch a dud. “It’s called the ‘Crouch & Cover,’” she says, “which basically just means you cover your delicate areas and flee.” She adds, “And if that doesn’t work, you can always pretend to drop something and then crawl away.” Basically, just get out of sight as quickly as possible.

If you’re like me and can’t always pull off such methods, not to worry. There’s always the bathroom emergency or the urgent inbound call approach. I find that if I start complaining about how bad I have to pee or how urgent my friend’s call is, most people, no matter how stalkerish, will shut up long enough for me to bolt.

Photo by Emery Mathieson/NBN.

“Wait, that’s creepy? Who knew!”— How to tell if you’re the creepy one

I suppose it is understandable that there are those out there who simply never learned the difference between friendly and creepy. Maybe you were an only child, or you were raised by wolves and had no contact with humans before your arrival at college. Therefore, I’d like to help you realize your hazardous behavior, for your sake and mine. Let’s nip the problem in the bud.

How can you tell if your attention is unwanted? Weinberg junior Emilie Ross says that body language has a lot to do with knowing when your target-fling is into you and when they aren’t. “If they glance away a lot, turn their back toward you, or cross their arms, they’re probably not interested,” Ross said. Perhaps however, you’re not the most observant person and these cues are too hard for you to pick up on. Weinberg freshman Quentin Williams says you’ll know you’re a creeper when “no one talks to you and you get dirty looks.” Hopefully you’ll be able to quell your unrequited advances before it gets to that point.

Dickinson also has a bit of advice for all you stalkers. “Remember, there is a huge difference between being open and friendly, and being aggressive. The tone you want to set is of someone who is open, approachable and the right amount of curious.” Mainly, ask your potential hook-up about their classes, what they like to do for fun, or where they’re from. But don’t keep texting them if they don’t text you back, don’t keep “accidentally” grazing their butt, and please, please don’t invite yourself over at 2 a.m. to “meet their roommate,” because that, my friends, is just creepy.

Photos modeled by Dan Lazar and Katherine Defliese.