A wise person once said, “School, friends and sleep. Pick two.”

But I was never really good at making decisions and “wise” may have been fine for Benjamin Franklin and his “healthy and wealthy” bit, but I’m a college junior and any lifestyle that requires “early to bed” isn’t going to fly…unless I drank too much at The Union or something.

This isn’t the time to be wise or well-rested. Your room is the size of a macaroon, the exchange rate for an easy ID-policy at the bars is a $9 martini tab and you probably have chlamydia.

Well. Sorry. You do.

But that’s what you have to realize, if you’re going to be good at this whole “college” thing: You don’t have to be wise about it. You just have to be smart. It’s about finding free concerts or meeting that one special townie who will buy you a drink. It’s about filling your science distro with Plant-People Interactions instead of Organic Chemistry. It’s about not really giving a fuck and living another day to tell about it.

Because you can have it all: school, friends, a tiny bit of sleep and $1 hamburgers. Think of it as printing on both sides of your social calendar. Be smart and be savvy. And above all else: Be shamelessly grubby. —Lisa Gartner

Entertainment

JERRY SPRINGER AND OPRAH

Chicago may not be a TV hotspot , but you can still rub elbows with celebrities –- if those celebrities are fighting, bisexual midgets. Whether you want a car from Oprah or the chance to get hit with a chair on the Jerry Springer Show, Chicago’s got you covered.
HOW TO: To request free tickets, go to jerryspringertv.com or oprah.com.

LINCOLN PARK ZOO
Sure, the zoo is for kids, but Lincoln Park has penguins and they are cute enough for an entire animated movie. If the Antarctic isn’t your thing, they have animals big and small, as well as a petting zoo and beach. Just think of it as cuteoverload.com in real life. Big plus: It’s always free.
DIRECTIONS: Take the Red Line or Purple Line Express to Fullerton and walk east.

STREET FAIRS
The Maxwell Street Market, with the big deal title of “Birthplace of the Blues,” offers delicious Mexican food, cheap shopping and live music every Sunday before 3 p.m. In the spring, there’s the Do-Division festival (featuring heavier bangs than Cousin It from the Addams Family) and the Chicago Blues Festival in the spring.
HOW TO: For more information on all of the city’s festivals, visit the website for the Mayor’s Office of Special Events at cityofchicago.org/specialevents.

CHICAGO CITY TOURS
The City of Chicago offers tons of tourism incentives for out-of-towners. So book yourself a free Chicago greeter and have a lovely retiree take you on a personal walking tour of the city. For the more misanthropic student, the city also offers audio tours. Download one to your iPod and listen as legendary musician Buddy Guy takes you on a walking tour of the history of Chicago blues.
HOW TO: Book your greeter at www.chicagogreeter.com or download the audio tours on the city of Chicago’s website, cityofchicago.org.

MUSEUM FREE DAYS
Whether your thing is the Field Museum or the S&M Museum, it usually costs money to get your thrills. But that doesn’t mean getting educated can’t come cheap via student discounts and free days. All day Tuesday is free at the Museum of Contemporary Art and the Field is free the second Monday of every month, for example. Earn bonus grubbing points by taking the free intercampus shuttle to get into the city.
HOW TO: Check museum websites for more information on free days and discounts.

CONCERTS AT MILLENIUM PARK
Though it’s unhip to like the Park, you have to admit, that shiny bean is kind of cool. The park is open all year, free of charge –- and so is the tourist-mocking. The park also has more legitimate entertainment like free concerts with bands including Death Cab for Cutie, The Decemberists and even Northwestern’s very own orchestra.
DIRECTIONS: Take the Purple Line to Howard, transfer to the Red Line, get off at Monroe and walk east. Or take the free intercampus shuttle and walk 1.5 miles south.

Academics

MATH FOR DUMMIES: THE SoC UNDERGRADUATE GUIDE
Did you swear that after AP Chem you’d never set foot in another math or science classroom again, only to learn your major requires them for graduation? Page 12 of the School of Communication Undergraduate Guide provides a list of “recommended math/science/tech distribution courses” for their students. Essentially, this is a list of Northwestern courses that make fulfilling those distro requirements as painless as possible. Gems of the list include Biological Clocks and Introduction to the Solar System.

SAVE YOUR GPA, PICK A P/N
Practically every student at Northwestern can afford to take at least a couple of courses “Pass/Fail” during his or her collegiate career. Taking a class P/N can alleviate stress, lighten a workload or just give you some time to goof off and enjoy trivial things like friends. To find them, expand the “Additional Search Criteria” menu on Caesar and select “Graded P/N” in the “Course Attribute Value” drop box. Unfortunately, many seemingly pointless distros aren’t available to be taken as P/N.

iNET
This exclusive internship network to which you, as an overachieving, sleep-deprived Northwestern student, have access to. The iNET Network is only open to students at eight highly-selective universities, so maybe that’ll put those fears of being a second-choice school to rest. Though the database isn’t huge, it is growing (there are 1716 participating employers as of May 2008) and worth bookmarking for your internship search.

FREE DEPARTMENT TUTORING
Many departments offer free tutoring. The English department has The Writing Place and most foreign language departments have labs. Outside of the university, student organizations (mostly ethnic ones) have free tutoring. And for engineering students left soulless by labs and problem sets, McCormick offers drop-in tutoring. It’s a good idea to check the department’s Web site or email your professor if you’re in a particularly difficult class – the university knows that people flunking out makes them look bad.

OLD EXAMS, FREE FOR THE TAKING
The math department posts copies of old exams on its Web site for Math 104, 110, 202, 211, 220, 224, 230, 234, 240, 250, 290 and 330. In many cases, example exams span a decade or more. SESP and Computer Science offer old exams too. Other classes have been known to drop them on Blackboard as well.

SUMMER INTERNSHIP GRANT
So you want to be an intern but you can’t afford to live in New York for three months while you slave away unpaid, getting coffee for the person who has your dream job? There’s hope for those of us who can barely afford nine months in Evanston, let alone an apartment in a big city. Recipients receive $2000 to offset the costs of housing and trivial luxury items like food during unpaid, not-for-credit summer internships. It’s open to Northwestern freshmen, sophomores and juniors (including rising seniors). Applications are due in mid-April and participating students are notified of acceptance in May.

Sex & Booze

FREE HIV TESTING
Searle offers free HIV testing on the third Thursday of every month. The tests are normally $30. They also offer tests for Chlamydia, gonorrhea, hepatitis A, B, C and syphilis –- they’re not free but any test you have done can be put on your tuition bill as simply “lab” and you can tell your parents you came down with a “chest thing.”
DIRECTIONS: Searle Health Service, 633 Emerson St., 847-491-8100

MYOPENBAR.COM
Every broke college student’s dream come true: This site has a listing of bar and drink specials around Chicago, along with a brief synopsis of the venue, atmosphere and potential clientele. You can even access a specially-formatted mobile version of it from your cell phone, in case you’re already out and find yourself low on cash.
GO TO: Myopenbar.com

SEX TOY WORKSHOPS
That thing does what, where? Find out the basics on lubricants, vibrators and more at The Pleasure Chest for free on the first Wednesday of every month. There are refreshments and a 15-percent discount on everything in the store to boot.
DIRECTIONS: Pleasure Chest , 3436 North Lincoln Avenue, 773-525-7151

FREE CONDOMS
Being the wild, sexually liberated campus that we are (ahem) those $8 boxes of condoms can quickly add up. Trojan offers free samples on their website (www.trojancondoms.com). Or if you’re the lucky friend of a College Feminist or S.H.A.P.E. member, both clubs are known for tossing out the rubbers. Elsewhere on campus, Searle (downstairs) and Norris (third floor) also have a little love to share.

ART GALLERY OPENING PARTIES
Chicago’s art district starts about a mile south of the University of Illinois at Chicago’s campus. On the second Friday of every month, over 25 galleries open their doors to anyone who wants to talk, mingle and drink for free with local artists. Besides the assortment of complimentary wines at each gallery, you might be lucky (or unlucky) enough to find yourself in an artist’s showroom that doubles as his bedroom.
DIRECTIONS: Chicago Art District, 18th and Halsted

MCFADDEN’S BUS
Every Wednesday at 10:30 p.m., McFadden’s (a Gold Coast Irish pub) magic yellow school bus rolls by the arch to pick up students. Have your I.D. ready and you’ll have instant free acces to not only McFadden’s but all the pleasures of Division Street’s bar row. (The ride back is also free.)
DIRECTIONS: The Arch at 10:30 p.m.

Food

FREE BAG OF BAGELS AT EINSTEIN BROS.
For a decent Evanston shmear your best bet is Bagel Art on Chicago. Or you could do what the student film productions do and sign up for all the day’s leftovers from Einstein’s. Instead of chucking their dough in the dumpster, the store gives away its unused bagels to anyone who is willing to pick them up at the end of the day or the next morning. Just make sure you call a few days ahead.
WHERE: 1745 Sherman Ave, 847-328-9888, einsteinbros.com

99 CENT LE PEEP DOUBLE BREAKFAST
The American breakfast haunt’s 99-cent coupons can be found in weekly mailers and the Daily Northwestern. Cut one out and with a valid student ID you can buy one entrée at a regular price and get the second entrée of equal or lesser value for 99 cents. So you can have le eggs and le pancakes and stop complaining about it.
WHERE: 827 Church Street, 847-328-4880

STARBUCKS’ SHORTER ESPRESSO
Ever wonder why the smallest Starbucks coffee is deceivingly named “tall”? It’s because that’s not actually their smallest size. A cheaper cappuccino (normally $2.65) can be gotten if you ask for it “short.” Don’t worry, the same amount of espresso is used, but it’s served in an eight-ounce cup instead of the usual 12 ounces. Depending on the Starbucks you frequent, you’ll probably save about thirty cents—not much, but just think how much extra laundry you’ll be able to do now. (The short cup can also be used for other drinks but works best with the cappuccino.)
WHERE: 1724 Sherman Ave or first floor of Norris, 847-492-0490, starbucks.com

MT. EVEREST LUNCH BUFFET
For a little less than $7, this standby Nepali and Indian restaurant offers a standard all-you-can-eat spread every weekday from 11:30 a.m. to 2:30 p.m. and a slightly pricier version for weekend brunch. It includes traditional dishes such as palak paneer (warm spinach combined with pieces of cottage cheese), tender tandoori chicken and khasi ko maasu (goat meat cooked with spices and herbs), as well as an unlimited supply of naan, that delicious bread no one can seem to remember the name of.
WHERE: 630 Church St., 847-491-1069, mteverestrestaurant.com

BAR LOUIE DOLLAR BURGER NIGHTS
Burger snobs and off-campus students know better than to go to BK. Every Tuesday they pack into Bar Louie (right next to The Keg) for the $1 special, which requires the purchase of a drink (we’d recommend beer). But be forewarned, toppings will cost you an extra 50 cents and if you want fries, you’ll have to pay for them. With that in mind, it’s still possible to get a bacon-guacamole burger, fries and ale for under $10.
WHERE: 1520 Sherman Avenue, 847-733-8300, barlouieamerica.com

WHOLE FOODS TASTE TEST
If you’re broke, you can upgrade from stealing extra free samples to Whole Foods’ Tasty Tuesdays. Concierge Jean offers a comparative tasting of different brands’ takes on the same food and will let them know which one you like best—from olive oil and Italian cheeses to vinegars and bacon. So check him out during lunch hour and from 4 to 6 p.m.
WHERE: 1640 Chicago Ave, 847-733-1600, wholefoodsmarket.com

LULU’S MUNCH A BUNCH
It ain’t the cheapest all-you-can eat but $15 at Lulu’s will allow you to taste almost anything off the trendy pan-Asian menu in endless supply. The special is available every Monday and Tuesday from 5 to 9:30 p.m. and Saturday and Sunday from 11:30 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. Some dishes worth sampling: steamed black mussels, crystal shrimp, salt and pepper calamari and salmon cakes.
WHERE: 804 Davis St., 847-869-4343, lulusdimsum.com

CHIPOTLE BIG GAMES
Eggs-and-kegs tailgating is only fun if you’re not the one footing the bill. Check out the Wildcat athletics schedules at nusports.cstv.com and you’ll find one game for every sport called the “Chipotle Big Game” meaning if you’re one of the first 50 or 100 students (depending on the game) to arrive at the event, you’ll receive a free Chipotle burrito coupon.

RESTAURANT.COM
Is there a restaurant you’re dying to try but the price tag makes you think twice? Restaurant.com offers gift certificates to hundreds of area restaurants for a substantially discounted price — paying $10 for a $25 gift certificate is the standard. Watch out for the fine print because sometimes you’re only allowed to use them on weeknights or there’s a minimum order.
GO TO: Restaurant.com

Shopping

SHOP IT TO ME
Enter your favorite clothing items and brands and this website will send you daily emails of the best sale items from your list. It can even narrow your choices down by size and color. Stores involved include Nordstrom, J.Crew, Bloomingdale’s, Saks Fifth Avenue and Zappos. It’s free and you get a $10 J.Crew gift card for referring friends.
GO TO: Shopittome.com

BETA BOUTIQUE
Chicago’s first and only permanent sample sale, Beta has hard-to-find designer fashions 40 to 90 percent off retail. (Sample sales include a designer’s pre-production display and post-production items that didn’t sell.) The 1700-square-foot fashion mecca is only open four days a week. Go early in the week when shipments first arrive and join their mailing list for inventory updates and info on upcoming sales.
WHERE: 2016 W. Concord, Chicago 773-276-0905

Illustrations by Evan Twohy. Research contributed by Jenny An, Sarah Collins, Kathy Duan, Ryan Gallagher, Kayleigh Roberts, Paul Schrodt, Natalie Southwick, Grace Weitz and MoMo Zhou.