The Real Rush…one year later: “I’m extraordinarily happy that I’m not in a sorority”
Last year I wrote about rush for North by Northwestern. It was honest, uncomfortably personal, a bit sugar-coated, and, in the opinion of my editor, the best article I’d written. (I disagreed, but the comment did assuage my fears of publishing such a forthcoming article). This is the follow up story: The stuff of dramatic, never-before-seen footage, juicy updates and deleted scenes. But it also might be the most candid reflection on a process that is enormously guarded and secretive, even as you take part in it.
A short while after my “rush perspective” was published, I decided not to initiate. (Or… what was that part called? Swear in? Activate? I forget, but recall it involved a ceremony, special pins, and wearing nude underwear that wouldn’t show under a white gown.) This was not an easy decision, and although I think I knew it was coming, it was something I agonized over at length. In the end, the pros of dropping out outweighed the cons for me, and I knew that I had to do it, despite the inevitably uncomfortable and awkward nature of doing so. Because despite the many reasons for dropping out, it unavoidably feels like telling a group of people who’ve tried to welcome you into their organization that you no longer want to hang out with them.
This I foresaw, but what I could not have predicted was the grown woman with graying hair who demanded a $700 check in a closed basement-corner meeting that took place on folding chairs in a scene straight out of Greek. To be fair, this unexpected financial pressure came not from any student but straight from the scary force of Nationals. This seemingly embittered Nationals woman went as far as to say that if I didn’t pay dues for the few weeks I had lingered uncommitted, my credit could be affected. Although I (correctly) suspected this was highly unlikely, the experience was traumatic enough that I left the house practically crying, feeling guilty and harassed. I felt worst for the chapter members who sat in on the meeting with me, all of whom looked uncomfortable and were very apologetic. The incidence brought into sharp focus the fact that sororities are, at their core, financial institutions.
The hardest part about dropping out, though, was explaining my decision to the girl who had been assigned as my “pledge mom”. For those of you unfamiliar with the sorority pledging process, pledge moms are older chapter actives assigned to new members, who shower them with a rich stream of gifts, serenades, decorations and a zillion sorority t-shirts for an entire week before revealing their identity. It’s easy to imagine that this was a great week in my life, throughout which I repeatedly thought, “Well, I can’t drop out now… I guess the decision is made for me.”
But ultimately, I realized that I couldn’t let the guilt of enjoying this week and then dropping out stop me from doing so. It would be dishonest to myself, as well as to my pledge mom. In the end, when I met with her to settle all the details out, we ended up having an hour long heart to heart at Café Ambrosia, and I realized just how much I liked her. And this felt infinitely more genuine and natural than liking her for the presents she had given me.
The thing I have the most trouble with, still, is explaining to freshmen exactly why I’m not in a sorority. I want to be honest, but I don’t want to keep them from making their own decisions. I usually spin some story about not being into the ritualistic sisterhood/singing and already being so involved in a couple of organizations with fantastic built in social lives that I just didn’t need or want to pay for another one. This is the genuine truth, but its not the whole story. What I wish I could tell them was how much I hated rush and how inadequate it made me feel, not just during the process or after it but for the rest of freshmen year, the way it hung over my head for so long and reopened an old Pandora’s box of insecurities. In comparison to my first months at college, when I made new friends easily and felt more confident and happy than I had throughout most of high school, this was a huge disappointment.
These days, I’m extraordinarily happy that I’m not in a sorority. I’ve formed a wide and diverse group of friends who I truly like and enjoy hanging out with, and I know we are friends because of that, and not because of any Greek letters they or I wear on our sweatshirts. I think that if I had been more honest with myself a year ago, I would have known that I’d never really be content in a sorority anyways, and saved myself a lot of anxiety and disappointment. But I do think that I’ve grown because of the process (Destiny’s Child’s Survivor style) and I am satisfied with how things have ended up.
I’m not sure if I would say I’m glad that I rushed. While it answered some questions, it raised many more, questions that haunted me for some time. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get anything out of the experience. I’m familiar enough with the Greek system that I’ve never felt unable to relate to my affiliated friends.
But one thing rush undeniably does change is friendships. I sincerely hope that you are still idealistic enough to not believe this. But in a few months, reevaluate who you are closest to, and think of this. I’d like to think that most shifts are natural, ones that were in the works regardless of rush — and maybe the changes will be positive. But most likely, you’ll lose a friend or two.
Here’s the most important thing to know. Whether you are agonizing over deciding not to rush, stressing out over whether rushing was really the right plan, or panicking over whether or not you’ll get a bid from Theta, I can promise that it matters a whole lot less than you think. A few days ago I was listening to Ted Turner on NPR (he’s the billionaire founder of CNN) and he said something to this effect: “Gay marriage? I don’t care about gay marriage. They can do whatever they want. I want to talk about nuclear weapons. Those can kill people.” And as I was listening, I realized that this eccentric 70 year old was totally right. So, in the unlikely analogy of the century, think of sorority rush like gay marriage. While politicians and citizens across the country are obsessed with the topic of gay marriage (much like the freshmen girl frenzy over rush), it’s more symbolic than truly important. Gay marriage matters tremendously to those it directly affects, but to everyone else, it’s largely symbolic. It’s simply not a matter of life or death. While sororities seem like THE Big Deal, they just aren’t. Rush is exciting, nerve-wracking, time consuming, and sometimes disappointing — but it is by far not the end-all moment of college, much less life.
In rush, as in many things, like grades and breakups and being broke, it’s incredibly important to have perspective. Which, in a year or so, I promise will come.
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Last year, Tracy wasn't sure if she would stay in her sorority or not. Or you can return home.
I like this piece- you’re honest, balanced, and fair, and you offer good advice, and put things in perspective. All of this, of course, in a neatly wrapped, well composed piece of prose.
It does bring to my mind that perhaps NBN should get the perspective of a sophomore who is rushing after choosing not to last year. I’m sure there are myriad reasons in that category, but an insight like that might be helpful to everyone.
Ben R.
January 8, 2009 at 9:02 am
Brilliant article
Anonymous
January 8, 2009 at 10:47 am
Note to future pledges: if you are going to drop out of a sorority, do it BEFORE plede-mom week. Doing it after that week is the worst thing you can do and really mean to the pledge mom.
LTO
January 8, 2009 at 11:13 am
When is pledge mom week, typically?
L
January 9, 2009 at 2:25 am
As another sophomore looking back at the rush process a year after going through it, the one thing I realize is that, as contrived and confusing and arbitrary as the whole process seems, I really do think it works. Sure, the interesting, intelligent individuals who go through rush are being judged primarily on how well they stumble through the same stale conversation night after freezing night. But in the end, most people end up happy. There isn’t just one “right” house for everybody – in fact, there are potential friends in every single house – and in my opinion the people who don’t end up in a house at all are also evidence that the process works.
I had friends who dropped out halfway through the week, friends who ended the week in tears because they didn’t get the bid they wanted, and friends who left their new sororities after a month or two because they realized it wasn’t for them. I am, like the author, in the last category, and in retrospect I realize that my friends who ended up with broken hearts and shattered confidence didn’t end up in sororities because they shouldn’t have. I can’t picture any of them – or myself – being happy in a sorority now. The loss we felt at the end of rush has been replaced with a gratitude for the things we’ve gotten involved in and the people we’ve met since then, partly because we weren’t in a sorority. And because it took me that week of dressing up and raving about my hometown and way, way over-analyzing everything to finally come to that conclusion, I am glad that I went through it.
I really do think the process works, maybe not so much in the perfection of which house people end up in, but in whether or not people end up in a house at all. Sorority life has been great for a lot of people, but it isn’t for everyone, and that’s something that is easy to forget in the midst of this week. I think Tracy’s advice – to remember to keep perspective, and to know that by next year you’ll most likely be happy with how it turned out, whether or not you’re in a house – is perfect.
Thanks for a beautifully written, honest article.
Anonymous
January 9, 2009 at 12:16 pm
You were considering dropping out, yet you didn’t bother to run this by your sorority BEFORE your pledge-mom week? Did you even bother to compensate your pledge mom for the extreme waste of time and money she spent?
A few people said that they think this article is honest. I don’t see it that way. I think some of the article is just an attempt to put an “insightful” spin on some cowardly decisions.
You said the rush process made you feel insecure, especially in comparison to your first few months at NU. But if you didn’t have the courage to leave the sorority earlier — or at least, to prepare the girls for the possibility that you might be leaving — than it sounds like you were already pretty insecure in the first place.
In regards to the $700 you were “forced” to pay to Nationals, were you in the sorority for at least a quarter? I suspect you were. (The first quarter for new members is the most expensive, and if I remember correctly, I probably paid around $700 when I was a new member. Actually, I think I paid more). Basically, you owed that money anyway, like all of the other new members.
Think of it this way: Say you buy a car. You drive it for a few months, but eventually, you decide you don’t want it anymore. Since you drove the car for a little while, it’s okay not to pay the dealer for your first few months of use, right?
Uh, no. The same goes for a sorority. You cost them $700. Guess what? You have to pay it. That’s just how life works. Don’t try playing off that $700-payment as some awful punishment for opting out of a situation that wasn’t right for you. Sounds like you owed that money, regardless of whether you chose to deactivate.
I’m sorry Greek life didn’t work out for you. But just because it didn’t work out for you doesn’t mean you should portray it as some horrible experience that renders people insecure.
One final note: On behalf of sorority members everywhere, I appreciate the fact that you chose not to disclose the name of your former sorority.
K
January 11, 2009 at 4:22 am
“think of sorority rush like gay marriage”
what an incredibly useless and offensive analogy
stick
January 11, 2009 at 4:39 pm
How obvious is it that someone would misinterpret her analogy of sorority rush to gay marriage? Try to read it in the context the author meant it instead of looking for a way to be offended. Try to glean the intended sentiment, not assume the worst.
L
January 13, 2009 at 10:30 pm
I attend a large diverse University and the greek population is a small part compared to the large student body. It seems the Greeks separate themselves from the mainstream and only hang out with each other. This appeals to many girls but not everyone. I have several friends that are from other countries, race, religion and from all walks of life. If we were in a sorority we would not be in the same one for that very reason. I feel having such diverse friends has prepared me much more for the “global” world we all live in today despite any connections I could have had as a greek member. This is not to say Greek life is bad, just not the measurement it once was for success nor does it hold the “be all, end all, must have” of college life any longer. It seems more like an extension of high school cliques than anything and like some things has not grown nor changed with the times. You would be surprised at how many college students view it exactly this way. It isn’t all that cool to be a Greek in 2008. It is a different generation.
Jeanne Schultz
January 25, 2009 at 6:44 pm
L, I agree with you. The author’s comparison of sorority rush to gay marriage wasn’t supposed to be offensive. Still, it’s generally a dumb idea to use one controversial topic in an attempt to defend another controversial topic. That was a poor choice on the author’s part.
JJ
January 29, 2009 at 7:31 pm