Are you cynical, bitter, lonely, scorned or any combination of the above? Or do you just hate Valentine’s Day? Either way, you’re in good company: According to the folks over at MSNBC, anti-Valentine’s Day sentiments have become increasingly popular over the past few years.

But instead of spending money on stuffed animals and chocolate hearts, unhappy people now have their own unnecessary gifts on which to waste money. Materialistic holidays aren’t just for the happily-coupled! Here are some Valentine’s gifts for the rest of us.

Photo courtesy of despair.com.

Bittersweets

First, we have a twist on candy hearts. Made by the kindred spirits over at Despair, Inc., these aren’t the sweets an average kindergartener sneaks into her crush’s backpack. Nope, these babies come in three varieties: dysfunctional, dumped and dejected. In a troubled relationship? Give your not-so-sweetheart candies with printed sayings like “I BEEN CREEPIN” and “MUTUAL DISGUST.” By Feb. 15, your relationship will have gone from dysfunctional to nonexistent! If you’re out of that dysfunctional relationship and still despising your ex, try the “Dumped” candies, as nothing says Valentine’s like “CELEB8 THX2U.” Finally, for those of you who are single and hating it, the “dejected” category offers you phrases like “I MISS MY EX” and “PEAKED AT 17″; not only will you be okay with staying in on Valentine’s, you’ll be so depressed you’ll never want to leave the house again! Don’t forget, you can also buy these for your dysfunctional, dumped and dejected friends… if you don’t mind being a horrible person and ending those friendships forever.

Nietzsche valentine’s cards

Nobody does cynicism like Nietzsche. These Valentine’s cards all feature the oh-so-sexy mustachioed face of none other than Friedrich Nietzsche and one of his delightful and uplifting quotes about love. One of the cards, which probably best exemplifies the overall tone of this set of seven, features this quote: “The demand to be loved is the greatest of all arrogant presumptions.” Another good one declares, “A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love.” And on the inside, of course, the card says “Happy Valentine’s Day.” Give them to everyone you know.

Gross gifts for your exes

Do you have a no-good cad of an ex? Did the last girl you date break your heart and empty your wallet? If so, perhaps you want to use Valentine’s Day as the perfect opportunity to show them just how much you hate them. After all, hate is the only emotion as powerful as love. A Web site called “The Payback” offers you just the right ways to express this hatred. Here you can have dead flowers, melted chocolates and/or dead fish sent to the former objects of your affection. Just imagine your ex’s surprise when he or she opens up that package on Valentine’s Day, expecting candy and maybe even jewelry, only to find a disgusting, smelly, dead fish. It sends a pretty clear message, and it ain’t “Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.” Use only if you are absolutely sure you never want to get back together — or even see this person’s face ever again.

Buy this shirt, and no one will doubt your dedication to Valentine’s Day. Photo courtesy of Cafe Press.

T-shirts

The fine people of the Internet have come up with all kinds of ways for you to emblazon your hatred of all things Valentine’s Day right across your chest. There is the ever-so-subtle “Love sucks. Rent a Hooker” tee, only rivaled in subtlety by one that says “Love sucks, yet lacks the decency to swallow” (great for Valentine’s Day, and job interviews!), on a neon green background, no less. Of course, if you want to take a different approach, you can always get the one that says “VD makes me hurl.” I like it because it’s ambiguous — it could mean you hate Valentine’s or it could mean you hate venereal disease, or it could mean you hate both! Also available in baby sizes — always a good idea to get them bitter nice and early. For the lonely guy in your life, there’s this t-shirt that says “Now accepting applications for Japanese girlfriends”… in Japanese. Now he can be desperate in two languages!

Lap pillow

If all you want for Valentine’s Day is someone to snuggle up to, try this pillow. The description on the Web site pretty much says it all: “This pillow is skin-coloured polyurethene calves folded under soft thighs, a comfy cushion for napping, reading, or watching television.” I recommend that you hide it when company comes over.