Some people say good music is subjective. These people are idiots. There are, in fact, undeniable truths about music, such as nobody over the age of 13 should enjoy Miley Cyrus and that listening to Asher Roth’s “I Love College” damages the brain worse than drinking straight bleach. The most important musical fact you can possibly know, though, is that no genre towers nearly as high as Viking Metal.

The origins of Viking Metal are shrouded in mystery. Wikipedia claims the genre (described as having “galloping pace, keyboard-rich anthemic sound, bleakness and dramatic emphasis on Norse mythology, Norse paganism, and the Viking Age”) emerged in 1984, but who is to say Viking Metal didn’t spring out of the Norse saga Frá Fornjóti ok hans ættmönnum? I’m not going to read it, that’s for sure. Regardless of when and how Viking Metal came to be birthed, its screamed vocals about sailing and dragons unquestionably rule, and to celebrate I present to you my top ten Viking Metal bands ever.

10. Wolfchant

German group Wolfchant may not hail from Scandinavia proper, but the five-piece picked up on what exactly makes Viking Metal so awesome — epic, convoluted stories. The band’s album Bloody Tales of Disgraced Lands tells of the war of the Clan of Cross, which extensive Googling tells me never actually happened. It takes creativity to write a story, but it takes a special type of creativity to birth an hour-long CD about an imaginary war using mostly power chords. Wolfchant loses points for not being nearly Viking enough, sometimes slipping into run-of-the-mill pagan metal.

“I Am War”

Choice lyrics:
Now the night had broken in, 1000 men had met
Oh Odin be by my side, they all must follow me
And Odin appeared Aahr in shape of a falcon
For the years in which you were faithful to me, I will now recompense you

9. Vintersorg

Vintersorg used to “get” Viking Metal. On their first three albums, the group sang in their native Swedish about such time-tested subjects as dwarves and runes. But on fourth LP Cosmic Genesis, Vintersorg dropped Swedish for English and started singing about metaphysics and astronomy. They even gave Carl Sagan a shout out in the lyrics! Not very Norse. But still, rockin’ music.

“A Dialogue With The Stars”

Choice lyrics:
Ardent starshine upon my face,
the monumental nightsky reveal its torches.
Unaltered for aeons, yet zestful they’re flaming
like ornamental diamonds.

8. Glittertind

Glittertind sure loves Norway. The group not only named themselves after the second-tallest mountain in the country (did someone else scoop up the tallest?), but also released an album celebrating the centennial of Norwegian independence, featuring songs rallying against Christians, Nazis and the European Union. A true Viking takes pride in where he is from (especially if beloved children’s author Roald Dahl claims ancestry), and Glittertind takes this very seriously. Seriously enough to compose Viking Metal punks songs about the Norwegian constitution.

“The Battle of Stiklestad”

Choice lyrics:
Deep in our heathen hearts,
Grows hatred against the Christian foes.
I see they increase in numbers,
By their lies, threats and terror.

7. Týr

Týr don’t make this list because they are named after the Norse god of single combat and heroic combat. They don’t make this list because they have an album called Ragnarok. And they don’t make this list because they sing mostly about dragons and Valkyries. No, Týr make this top ten list because they hail from the Faroe Islands, a place with the most kick-ass coat of arms I’ve ever seen. Nothing says “Viking Metal” like a really pissed off goat.

“Regin Smiður”

Choice lyrics:
Greyfell carried the gold away from the heath
He swung his sword in wrath
Sigfried defeated the dragon
Greyfell carried the gold away from the heath

6. Norselaw

Remember the time Kid Rock took “Sweet Home Alabama” and sang about growing up in Michigan over it? Norselaw’s song “Sweet Home Scandinavia” is like that, but instead of singing about drinking near a lake (how rebellious!) he croons about stabbing people with swords (!) and dissing Lilith Fair (?). So, this song is awesome, and also the best Viking Metal-ish song an American has ever made.

“Sweet Home Scandinavia”

Choice lyrics:
Light up the lights for the sons of Northern Darkness
Take you sweet home
Forty foot sword being swung
By the lawful but magically enchanted red gnome

5. Bathory

Sweden’s Bathory pulled off a feat few bands can trumpet – they helped pioneer two genres of heavy metal. In the ’80s, Bathory contributed to what we now know as black metal by introducing elements like “Satanic lyrics, low-fi production and an inhuman vocal style, that defined the genre.” Wikipedia says so, it must be true. More importantly, for this list anyway, the band also aided in creating Viking Metal with their 1988 album Blood Fire Death, which introduced more epic sounds and Viking lore to their music. Bathory’s music became even more Norse-centric with subsequent releases such as Twilight of the Gods and Blood on Ice. Many other bands have built more rockin’ Viking Metal since Bathory birthed the genre, but lets not look past the group that made it OK to scream-sing about trolls and Valhalla.

“Blood on Ice”

Choice lyrics:
Long tall beautiful people fallen lifeless to the ground
Headless scattered still graceful bodies.
Blood coloured the white snow all around.
Through the dark deep woods to the mountains towering to the sky
The wind carries the quest for revenge and the tale of Blood on Ice.

4. The Vikings from Jason Forrest’s “War Photographer Video”

OK, the actual music you hear isn’t actually Viking Metal, but the video does feature vikings playing guitars and stuff, so it’s still pretty sweet. YouTube commenter Rukhage sums it up best: “Heavy Metal Viking Power Rangers GO! Hahaha!”

Choice lyrics:
Uhhhhh, use your imagination and knowledge of Odin to fill this in.

3. Enslaved

If Bathory bore Viking Metal, Norwegian rockers Enslaved reared the young genre on a diet of dragon’s milk and human flesh. Enslaved build on Bathory’s Viking emphasis, loading up their early albums with Norse mythological figures. Just look at seminal sophomore release Frost — that album features songs named after Norse figures like the god Loke and the giant wolf Fenris. Most importantly, Enslaved bring the rapid-fire drums and incomprehensible lyrics.

“Loke”

Choice lyric:
Takk weeps no heavy tears
For the loss of the sun’s handsome son
But the mare in the woods submits
For the regaining of Foster brother’s favor

2. Amon Amarth

Just watch the video below. Look at that hair twirling!

“The Pursuit of Vikings”

Choice lyrics:
Odin! Guide our ships
Our axes, spears and swords
Guide us through storms that whip
And in brutal war

1. Turisas

Turisas are relative younglings in the world of Viking Metal. The Finnish six-piece band may have formed back in 1997, but they didn’t release their first full-length album, Battle Metal, until 2004 and have only offered up one LP after that. Yet despite this low output, Turisas have taken Viking Metal into exciting new musical realms while also helping to make the often-ignored genre more mainstream than ever before. All while wearing face make-up similar to that of the WWE’s Kane.

Turisas don’t just play guitars and drums while glancing at Norse mythology Cliff’s Notes. They’ve expanded their sonic palette to include several other instruments, two in particular that display the group’s daring eye towards innovation. Turisas have pried the violin out of the wussy hands of Yellowcard and turned it into a fierce, beautiful part of their Scandanavian sound. Even more impressive, they’ve taken the accordion, a tool most often associated with Weird Al polka medleys, and transformed it into something as powerful as Thor’s hammer itself. One would think all this experimentation would push Turisas to some seldom-heard corner of the musical world, but the band has gained more attention than most Viking Metal bands. They opened for popular heavy metal band DragonForce and will be touring with another sorta-known band Cradle of Filth soon. No Viking Metal band simultaneously defines what it means to be a Viking Metal band while also pushing into new area unexplored by any other Viking Metal band.

“Rasputin”

Choice lyrics:
There lived a certain man in Russia long ago
He was big and strong, in his eyes a flaming glow
Most people looked at him with terror and with fear
But to Moscow chicks he was such a lovely dear