Obey the signs when you’re in the backseat of a SafeRide. Photo by rileyroxx on Flickr, licensed under the Creative Commons.

Have you ever experienced an unnecessary Facebook alert about a relationship that is “complicated”? Have you ever signed onto CollegeACB, read a scathing post about how someone you know is a slut and then felt bad for that person (or laughed at their misfortune)? Well, then you’ve experienced something akin to being a SafeRide driver. The backseat conversations of SafeRide passengers are saturated with details of Northwestern students’ social lives, often containing exclusive glimpses into Northwestern’s, um, sloppy sex scene.

“It’s surprising how people can just ignore you when you’re in the front seat,” commented Demetri*, a SafeRide driver. “They forget that we’re students, too, and just ramble about their personal lives to their friends.”

In order to protect these “personal lives,” SafeRide has its employees sign a confidentiality agreement. Since the organization has previously discouraged conversation between SafeRide employees and the press, I have been forced to change the names of all my sources.

Demetri recounted an instance in which a drunk girl complained to her friend about how she had not been laid in over two months. “To make matters worse,” he added, “her vibrator was broken, and she had been too stressed out recently to get it done on her own.” All she wanted was “a quick, effortless fix,” recalled the amused driver.

Some inebriated passengers try to get that “quick fix” right in the backseat, though not with much success. Three of the SafeRide drivers I interviewed recalled times when a passenger had flirted with or tried to pick up a fellow passenger. One driver said that a couple started making out until they remembered they were in a SafeRide. Two SafeRide employees claimed that they had been hit on by passengers, and a former SafeRide driver said that she was jokingly offered “road head” by a grateful passenger.

SafeRide drivers also experience the other kind of PDA: public displays of aggravation. One student enjoyed a car ride with a couple fighting in the backseat. Another said he witnessed a guy walking a girl to his car get shot down multiple times.

Most SafeRide experiences are not this awkward. According to Greg, another SafeRide employee, they are usually positive. But he also mentioned one instance in which a particularly effusive passenger poured out the details of her love life.

“This girl was complaining to her friend on the phone about how she was hooking up with a guy, but wasn’t that interested in him. After she got off, she asked me for advice,” Greg explained. “By the time we’d finished talking, she asked me to be her boyfriend.” He responded that he was flattered, but not ready for that kind of commitment.

Unfortunately, few SafeRide drivers enjoy the status of SafeRide Love Guru. When passengers choose not to talk to their chauffeurs, the conversation often turns to gossip. But don’t be fooled by the Girl Talk playing in the background. Greg claims that “there are frighteningly few things to distract you when you’re driving a SafeRide car.” So chances are, your driver’s probably listening to you describe how your last hook-up was so… boring.

“Girls have described how disinterested they were during hook-ups,” recalled Demetri, “and I’ve known the guys they’re talking about.”

Students often forget how small our campus can be. SafeRide employee Abigail cautions, “Be wary of what you say in my car, because I’m a student here as well.” This is something to keep in mind next time you’re in a car and you start blabbering about a cheating girlfriend.

“I heard one instance of cheating that was remarkably candid, to the point that I could have pieced together the names and details had I wanted to,” said Greg. “But if I know the people being talked about, I stay out of it.”

Demetri described an incredibly awkward situation in which his passengers, in their own conversation, revealed that his fraternity brother’s girlfriend was unfaithful. Ultimately, the driver decided not to tell his brother. “It’s hard to potentially ruin a relationship based on hearsay, regardless of whether it’s true or not,” he explained. After all, a SafeRide backseat is not a witness stand. “I have realized that people can say whatever they want in the back of a SafeRide. I’ve heard people give false accounts of events I was present for, spread rumors about organizations I’m a part of and make generally idiotic claims.”

For all those sexual miscreants who just sighed in relief, I have bad news. Certain SafeRide drivers are quick to intervene if their friends are involved.

“If you admit to doing something harmful to people I know and care about, don’t be surprised when I inform that person,” asserted Maria, a SafeRide driver. She mentioned two instances in which she had intervened because she knew the victim of the infidelity. “I called my friend and told him that his girlfriend was probably cheating on him,” she said.

Maria’s response is justified, even if it’s not technically kosher. While an expectation of confidentiality is understandable (given the stories above) and generally respected (none of my sources used students’ names and all of them kept details limited), it is unfair to expect employees to keep their mouths shut when a friend’s well-being is at stake.

If it’s true (and it’s not) that Northwestern students don’t have sex lives, they certainly gossip a lot about the sex they’re not having. Based on the way some students ignore their SafeRide drivers, it seems that we’re not only oblivious to the consequences of our words, but also to the implications of our poor manners.

Near the end of our interview, Greg remarked, “If someone’s an asshole, you bookmark their face and details, and hope you can blackmail them later.” I think he was only half-kidding.

Maybe these tales simply return to the same fundamental truth: Alcohol is the lubricant of gossip and sex.

“One time, I drove a girl home from a guy’s apartment and had to carry her to her front door,” recalled Zoe, a former driver. “When we reached the door, she suddenly woke up and demanded we drive her back to Ridge and Davis. Why? She had left her panties at the apartment.”

*All names have been changed