Staci in Barcelona: Pause-button dating
Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited about study abroad. Theoretically. Even thinking about all the things I can’t wait for — living in a city that parties harder and longer than anywhere I’ve ever been, learning a new language (Catalan), doing research in a bilingual city and really living abroad, rather than just seeing the sights and peacing out — aren’t helping me to muster the expected enthusiasm.
I can’t help thinking that an entire year of studying abroad is just going to be the equivalent of a very long vacation, a way to put a pause button on life, only to press play again when I come back. In my head, I’m already making more plans for when I get back than for when I get there. I haven’t even left yet, but I’m more excited to start life back up again when I return to the states next summer, than I am to leave.
All I can think about are the things that I’m going to miss, like Starbucks and Chipotle, driving on freeways, speaking English, the Chicago accent, tortillas and quesadillas, my parents and friends, the Keg, Northwestern’s linguistics department, Thanksgiving, the Nordstrom at Old Orchard, seeing movies without Spanish subtitles, rollerblading at the Skokie Channel park and a whole host of other things that I’m sure will occur to me later.
I know that part of the reason for these sentiments is related to the fact that I’m leaving my boyfriend behind, with nothing but some sort of vague hope that we might reunite on the other side. Rather than indulge in “fun-until-it’s-over” expiration dating, I was forced, by the curse/blessing of having found a good relationship, into suffering through pause-button dating. I met my boyfriend long after I’d made plans to study abroad, long after the wheels for the excursion had been set in motion, but we decided to watch the movie anyway and just see what happens. The show’s definitely not over the moment I get on that plane.
The problem is, with study abroad in the way, we don’t know how the movie’s going to end. Is it a tragic drama or a romantic comedy? Is the close-up on our tear-stained faces the last shot of the movie or only the middle? There’s no way to know until I get back and press “play.”
I haven’t left for Spain yet. Rather than feeling excitement and anticipation in the days before my departure, all I feel is frustration and reluctance. Why did last year’s Staci decide that she needed to escape life for a whole year? And why does this year’s Staci have to pay the price? Why did I choose to do a full year?
Even though I know a year is only 1.2 percent of my life, from this side of the bridge, it looks a whole lot like eternity.
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Perhaps you are looking at this the wrong way….now, I’m not saying leaving isn’t hard, especially leaving those you love, or missing home and all the familiar comforts and joys isnt natural…but in my experience (and granted I was not abroad for a whole year, merely a few months, but I think my point may still stand) viewing my trip as a part of my life, rather than I vacation from it, helped ease the transition. The relationships I formed, the independence and deeper sense of self I found, not to mention the complete culture shock, all came back with me when I, as you say, pressed play again. They were very much a part of me, and the experience, rather than being a hiatus from living life, became a prime example of how TO live life…by stepping outside the box and simply letting your senses be completely overwhelmed, and soaking all that in… And the people I met are a part of my life to this day, some more than others, but each a part none the less. And what else is there to really live for if not the relationships you form with other people, whether for a minute or for a lifetime. It is because of a few of those relationships that I have gone back abroad multiple times since my first summer away from home. And all those times I find something new to add onto the list of things that can be said to make up my personality, my experiences, my way of thinking…what have you. As for leaving your boyfriend, of course, it will be difficult and a stress on the relationship, but again think of the trip as just a part of this adventure, and he another part, and maybe somehow the two will meet…or maybe not and thats OK. And when you come back think of everything you will be able to share…and realize how much you probably both have changed. I think in a true relationship people can grow separately without growing apart…and you will definitely grow on this trip. Anyway, I’m rambling, so I’ll stop…but traveling abroad is something I feel strongly about and I hope you will embrace it. I can think of few other ways to so profoundly open your eyes and test yourself and your character then by living in a world unfamiliar to you. So, rather than a pause in the movie of your life, think of this trip as simply a different scene =)
John
September 1, 2009 at 11:07 pm
Thank you for the real insight on this subject, it helped me with my understanding of this. Have you heard or experienced this and does it work?
http://budurl.com/tb3v
werner lost forever
October 12, 2009 at 12:29 pm