We’re very fortunate to have a Big Ten football team. They may not always do well or, you know, win, but the excitement of the conference is all the motivation you need to make it out to that distant land known as Ryan Field. But just showing up isn’t enough. You need to do it right. For the freshmen out there, this past Saturday was your first home game — don’t worry, they get better — and you don’t know right from wrong. For everyone else, you have no excuses for your behavior. Here’s a quick rundown of rules on how to enjoy a Wildcat football game the right way.

1. If you’re going to use paint yourself, throw on a fresh coat of self-respect first.

The biggest problem body painters run into is a lack of foresight. How cold is it outside? Is there an “N” to my “U” out there somewhere? Is there even a home game today? These are the questions that plague the body painters of Northwestern. With just a little leftover Halloween make up and the cosmetic skills of a low-class prostitute, you can be the life blood of the fan section, but you need to ask yourself those questions first and adjust accordingly. I know your farmer’s tan might seem like a convenient base coat, but please shell out a few extra bucks for white makeup.

2. If you’re going to clap along with the crowd, make sure basic rhythm is something attainable.

I thought it was simple enough, until the Minnesota game. Where there should have been a steady CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP, I got a CLAP — CLAPCLAP — CLAP — disheartened sigh. This might be a little demanding for some of our less-rhythmic students, but my advice to you is either watch the spirit leaders from the marching band or just hold a Pepsi and a soft pretzel at the same time, thus making it totally inconvenient to try to clap.

3. If you’re going to wear a purple and white rocker wig, don’t.

Seriously. It’s not your fault. I blame the Northwestern’s official merchandise. The problem with the rocker wigs is that they’re outdated. Most of the students weren’t even alive when hair metal reigned supreme. To connect with today’s students, there needs to be a more contemporary novelty wig for Northwestern. Why not create a Kate Gosselin wig decked in purple and white? That way it can look stupid and be culturally significant.

4. If you’re going to be our mascot, make sure your costume fits appropriately.

I’m talking to you, Willie. I’ve had my qualms with you before, but after the loss the Minnesota, I can’t put up with it anymore. Frankly, you’re embarrassing. As one of my friends put it during the game, you look like you’re wearing sweats. Perfect. Our mascot looks like he’s still getting over the breakup with his longtime girlfriend and doing nothing but lying around spending his days drowned in a bath of Cheeto dust. And your sweat pants aren’t the only problem. Your head is too small. It is scientifically proven that the less proportional the head is, the better the mascot. Look at Sparty from Michigan State University. Huge head. Great mascot. Albert E. Gator from the University of Florida. Or whatever the fuck that thing is from Ohio State University. If you need any more proof, look to last week’s opponent, Syracuse. Otto the Orange is nothing but a head, and we all know how that game turned out.

5. If you’re going to make-up new cheers and hand out copies, make sure the cheers don’t suck.

This is probably the most important rule I have to offer. Any of you who attended the game on Saturday probably saw the cheers and promptly dropped small sheet of paper on the ground, but for anyone who read the flyer, you know what I’m talking about.

There is no other way to explain the crappiness of these cheers other than to share my favorites.

Any time Kafka does anything it was, “FIRST HALF, SECOND HALF, SMACK THAT RAFF KAFKA.” How does one smack a raff? What the hell is a raff? Not to mention the The Sweet Fitzgerald song (to the tune of “Sweet Caroline”) during every quarter/timeout break:

Sweet Fitz-gerald… BUM BUM BUM
To beat Minny feels so good SO GOOD! SO GOOD!
Fitz has been inclined BUM BUM BUM
To lay down the purple wood GOOOO…NNNN….UUUU… (repeat)

After a defensive play (sung to “Ghostbusters”): “DOO-DOO DOO-DOO DOO DOO, GOPH-BUSTERS!”

If you follow these rules, I am confident that you can be the best Wildcat you can be. You’ll be out there hooting and hollering and not knowing what is happening on the field with the best of them. Now all we have to do is win a football game.