Photo by the author.

I’ve been discovering a lot about dorm life lately. One thing that stands out is the need for boundaries. My roommate and I hashed out our Roommate Agreement, and it’s worked okay. I’ve decided to apply the same process to other aspects of my life.

My roommate brought his Nintendo 64 from home, and it’s hooked up in our room. As a result, there are people in my room playing Super Smash Bros. virtually all the time. Two weeks into the year is a good time for all of us with new roommates to reevaluate current boundaries, and change them if necessary. Our N64 boundaries need to be reevaluated — it’s time for me to lay down some Smash Law.

Super Smash Bros. is a fun game, and is a great way to casually hang out with some people you (sometimes only sort of) know. With that in mind, if you are the sort of person who is wont to come into other people’s dorm rooms to play video games on their television sets, there are a few ground rules you should follow.

1. Introduce yourself

If someone comes to the host’s room, the host is entitled to that someone’s name. The host is not asking for a lifelong friendship, he simply wants to know how to refer to the dude sitting on his bed and working Cheeto dust into the analog stick.

If your first words are, “I heard you had an N64,” and not, “Hi, I’m Joe,” then you’re in violation of Smash Law. It’s that simple.

2. Press R to cockblock

This should be self-explanatory. If it’s late at night, and your regular host is entertaining a lady-friend in the room, then it is a bad time to ask to play Smash. The host maintains the right to say no, of course, but even the implication of a game of Smash may be enough to kill his chances.

Of course, really cool girls shouldn’t mind the presence of a video game console. We can’t all be so lucky though, so this is a rule that must be adhered to.

3. You are not Family Guy

Over the course of a year, every player is allowed one “Hammer Time” joke when he or she successfully picks up a hammer. This is not to say anyone will laugh, but it is forgivable. After suffering through the inevitable awkward silence following the first “Hammer Time” joke, any player who gives another one a try will find himself in violation of Smash Law.

MC Hammer jokes have always had questionable comedic value, especially those jokes pertaining to “U Can’t Touch This.”

You get one freebie. Use it wisely.

4. Just chill out

Some Smash players are really skilled. Kudos to them.

But some of these hardcore Smash players take things a bit too seriously. It’s great that they can dash-dance and double-jump-cancel-counter and short-hop-fast-fall-l-cancel, but most players can’t. Hardcore players shouldn’t be asked to dumb themselves down, but they should keep in mind that not everyone plays competitively. For most people, Smash is just something to do when they stumble back to their dorms after Friday night’s debauchery. So, for the dedicated, don’t expect tournament-level play, and don’t be a douchebag if you don’t get it.

On that note…

5. The house sets the rules

Don’t complain if randomized items aren’t turned off. Items may not be used at the tournament level, but this isn’t a tournament. It’s a dorm. Sometimes, hardcore players will try and turn off items on the host’s game. The host then has the right to disconnect their controller. The house calls the shots, and the house wants lots of Bob-ombs.

* * *

With proper ground-rules, Super Smash Bros. can be a source of continuous enjoyment for the young men and — okay, mostly young men — of Northwestern’s dorms. Smash Law is not meant to take away from the beautiful chaos of a good game of Smash, but merely to codify some of the unspoken assumptions of casual play. Mostly, just be cool when you play.

And finally, try not to pick that one Metroid level with the rising and falling acid. That’s not even part of Smash Law. It’s just common sense. Nobody likes that level.