Dear Sir or Madam,

I lack spirit. Can you help me?

Sincerely,

A Zombie

Dear A Zombie,

First of all, I would like to inform you that I am extraordinarily anti-zombie, and even writing the letter head fills me with loathing and hatred. But on to your question. Have you ever been to a pep rally? Have you ever been to an athletic competition of sorts? If you have, then you’ve probably noticed all the stark raving mad people in attendance.

But why are they so insane? Some people will blame alcohol. Alcohol is certainly a contributing factor. Some people will say that only the truly passionate go out to athletic competitions or pep rallies. This clearly isn’t the case — hundreds of thousands of people attend baseball games every year. So what is the real root of their insanity? I blame the cheerleaders.

Cheerleaders obviously have some sort of ability to get their fans riled up into such a state that some of them even rush naked onto the field. But what power on earth would give one person such influence over another? What is it about cheerleaders that enables them to make people do stupid things for absolutely no reason at all? Some people argue that the cheerleaders’ attractiveness is responsible for this phenomenon. But if that were true, then the straight men would cease to commit acts of such gross stupidity after the emergence of a male cheerleader.

There must be another force at work here. The uniform, perhaps? Unthinkable. When it is cold, no one in their right mind goes out in the open air in a matching mini-skirt and tank top. However, after several observations, I have finally to the conclusion that these cheerleaders possess the power of hypnotism. They can choose to make the fan cheer, boo, or clap hands at any point.

But it doesn’t stop there. Cheerleaders also choose to go out into cold weather in minimal clothing. What kind of person does that? Only those who cannot feel. Vampires cannot feel. Thus, I posit that cheerleaders are not in fact people at all; they are vampires.

Now you might be wondering: “Why would vampires pose as cheerleaders? What could that possibly do for them?” Well, the answer is rather simple. Athletic events and pep rallies give the vampires a source of minions that they can bend to their will. People in large crowds are easy to manipulate, and therefore highly susceptible to mind control. Furthermore, unbeknownst to most people, vampires can gain some sustenance off of strong emotions, which are normally present during an athletic event.

Accordingly, athletic events are the equivalent of buffets for them, since the emotions are running high. Their job is to sustain that emotion, so they can gain sustenance without having to do the whole bloodsucking thing. I mean, they still do that too, but feeding off emotions is much easier to keep on the down-low. Also, they lose energy while being in the sunlight, but consuming emotions helps to counteract that effect and keep the vampire strong.

But what can you do to defend yourselves from this problem? Well, the first thing to do is carry garlic around at all times. Sure, you may be repulsive to human women, but you will also be repulsive to vampires, and that’s what counts. I also like to carry around crosses and stakes in my backpack, and when necessary, I shine bright lights into random people’s eyes and take pictures with them to make sure they show up in the photos. You can’t be too vigilant. Also, after reading the Twilight series, I make sure to stake everyone who sparkles in sunlight, or is too manly and handsome. And readers, if you’re wondering, I have staked myself several times just to be sure, but so far, nothing has happened yet.

All in all, I hope that this article has alerted you to the many perils of cheerleading. The vampire menace is out there, people. It’s very similar to the Communist Menace and the Zombie Menace, except this time, it’s real, and happening now. I hope you too will take the proper precautions to arm yourself so that you do not end up as one of the horrific undead that you see dancing before you at football games, always filled with the lust for blood, and in some extreme cases, really pale white girls with whom they can fall in love with and whose exploits fill several books and movie adaptations.

Sincerely,

Sir or Madam