If college is a rite of passage, then so is cooking a damn good turkey. This year you will not confuse puréed pumpkin for sweet potato casserole, your oven will not implode into a fiery mass of poultry gristle, there will be no salmonella outbreaks from undercooked stuffing, and above all, you will not end up at Burger King. This year, you become an American. Get thankful, and get cooking.

This college Turkey Day guide is a blow-by-blow account passed down from the Native Americans to the pilgrims, from the revolutionaries to the founding fathers, from Mama Brady to Marsha, and now from me to you. It will budget your time, minimize your work, yet still push you past the canned cranberry jelly. Thanksgiving traditionalists, stretch your taste buds and get ready to impress the pants off your guests, or at least loosen their belts a few notches.

This menu will serve 8-10 people with leftovers.

Roasted Turkey with Bay Leaves, Oranges and Red Onions

Photo by bucklava on Flickr, licensed under Creative Commons.

First things first, let’s start with the Bird.

Disclaimer: This recipe is rated Cooking-MA-LT. It contains explicitly culinary language and the touching of a turkey. It is intended for mature (or brave) cooks only. Yes, this means you, so get ready to vanquish your foe.

Ingredients for the turkey

• 1 (12- to 14-lb.) turkeyM
• 1 1/4 tsps. salt
• ½ tsp. black pepper
• 2 oranges, each cut into 8 wedges (look at the cranberry recipe and use one of these oranges for the zest)
• 3 small red onions, each cut into 8 wedges
• 5 bay leaves
• ¾ stick (6 tbsps.) unsalted butter, melted

Ingredients for the gravy

• All the juice that leaked out of the turkey
• About 4 cups turkey (or chicken) stock
• 1/3 cup all-purpose flour

What to do:

1. Position the oven rack in the middle and preheat the oven to 425ºF. Place roasting rack in pan and set aside.
2. Warning! This step could get icky! Feel free to wear a rubber glove. Stick your hand in the cavity of the bird and pull out the liver, heart, giblets and anything you happen to find. Then, rinse the bird inside and out, and pat dry. Sprinkle the outside and the cavity with salt. Fold extra neck skin away from the cavity, and use the skewer to pin it down. You did it, the gross part is over!
3. In the large cavity, stuff in 1 onion, oranges and the bay leaves. Now tie the drumsticks together with the kitchen twine and place your well-dressed turkey, breast side up, on the roasting rack to roast for 30 minutes.
4. Meanwhile, toss the remaining 2 onions in a pan with 2 tbsps. melted butter and set aside.
5. After 30 minutes of roasting, reduce the temperature to 350ºF and brush the turkey with ¼ cup melted butter. Roast for 30 more minutes. Then, scatter buttered onions in the pan and baste turkey with the juices in the pan.
6. For the next 1 ½ to 2 hours, baste (using the squeezy tube and the pan juices) the turkey every 30 minutes (adding water to the pan if the onions get too dark) until an instant read thermometer registers 170ºF. Transfer turkey to a platter and let stand for 25 minutes while you concoct the special sauce….

Time to make the gravy.

1. Transfer pan juices to a big container, skim off all but ¼ cup of fat. Add enough turkey stock to make 4 ½ cups of liquid.
2. Set the roasting pan across two stove burners and place 1 cup of juice mixture into the pan. Boil vigorously while scraping the bottom with the back of a wooden spoon for 2 minutes. This is called “deglazing.” Add the remainder of the mixture and bring to a simmer. Pour gravy through a mesh sieve and discard onions and hard pieces.
3. Whisk the reserved fat and flour in a saucepan and cook the thick mixture (called roux) over low heat, whisking constantly for 3 minutes. Then, add the gravy in a fast stream and whisk like crazy. Keep the liquid moving until thickened, when about 10 minutes have passed.

Country Bread Stuffing with Sage and Sausage

Photo by Brian Teutsch on Flickr, licensed under Creative Commons.

Like students need teachers, like Kathy Lee needs Regis, that’s the way turkey needs… stuffing.

Ingredients

• 1 loaf crusty style country white bread (or whatever is available and sturdy, no Wonderbread)
• ¼ cup olive oil
• 1 lb. Italian Sausage meat
• 2 cups chopped onions
• 1 cup chopped celery
• 1 tbsp. chopped fresh thyme or 1 tsp dried
• 1 tsp. chopped fresh sage, or ½ tsp. dried
• 1 tsp. chopped fresh rosemary or ½ tsp dried
• 1 cup fresh parsley
• 1 apple (your favorite kind)
• ½ cup dried currants, raisins or tart cherries
• 1 ½ cups turkey or chicken stock, heated

What to do:

1. Preheat the oven to 375ºF. Slice the bread into 1-inch cubes and bake until dry, about 15 minutes. Set aside.
2. Butter a baking dish (the bigger the better: this is a lot of stuffing).
3. Heat 1 tbsp. olive oil in a large saucepan over medium heat and sauté the sausage meat for 5 minutes, breaking it up with a fork as it browns.
4. Transfer the meat to the bread cubes bowl and add 1 tbsp. oil to the hot pan. Now, add onions, celery, apple and herbs and sauté until tender, about 10 minutes. Transfer this mixture to the bowl as well.
5. Stir in the currents, parsley, salt and pepper until mixed thoroughly. Dump mixture into prepared baking dish. Pour the hot stock over the bread and cover in foil.
6. Bake for 40 minutes, then uncover (sprinkling with Parmesan cheese if desired) and bake until brown, about 20 minutes more.

Perfect Potatoes

Photo by jugglerpm on Flickr, licensed under Creative Commons.

Easily the next most important food: the potatoes. These are best when simple and straightforward.

Ingredients

• 2 ½ lbs. Yukon Gold or russet potatoes (unpeeled)
• 2/3 cup whole milk
• 1/3 cup (½ stick) butter

What to do:

1. Place the potatoes in a large saucepan and cover with water. Bring to a rolling boil, reduce heat and simmer until tender when poked with a fork, about 20 minutes. Times will vary based on the size of the potatoes. Keep an eye on these.
2. Drain well, and let sit for 5 minutes until cool enough to peel and toss back into the pot to mash. Turn on the heat to dry out the potatoes for 2 minutes.
3. Meanwhile, warm up the milk in the microwave. Stir butter into potatoes then add warm milk, stirring until combined. Feel free to add more of either to taste. Season liberally with salt.

Sweet Potato Fries with Bacon and Maple

Time to get some colored veggies on the plate. This year, upgrade sweet potato casserole with bacon, maple and tinny canned green beans with lemon and pine nuts.

Ingredients

• 6 sweet potatoes
• ½ lb. sliced bacon in ½ inch strips
• ¾ tsp. salt
• ½ tsp. black pepper
• ¼ cup olive oil
• 2 tbsp. vinegar (champagne, white wine, apple or white balsamic, not regular balsamic)
• 1 tbsp. maple syrup
• 1 tbsp. water

What to do:

1. Preheat oven to 450ºF.
2. Peel sweet potatoes and cut into six or more spears — you decide the size. Arrange in a single layer in a large baking pan.
3. Meanwhile, cook bacon in a heavy skillet until brown and crisp, about 12 minutes. Transfer bacon to a paper towel and then pour bacon fat through a mesh sieve directly over fries. Sprinkle with ½ tsp. salt and ¼ tsp. pepper. Place into the oven and cook until browned, about 45 minutes.
4. Put bacon back in the skillet with olive oil and heat until hot, but not smoking. Then stir in vinegar, maple syrup, water and remaining salt and pepper. Pour dressing over spears and enjoy.

Green Beans with Lemon and Pine Nuts

Photo by t i n a | r a v a l on Flickr, licensed under Creative Commons.

Ingredients

• ½ lb. green beans, cut diagonally into ½ pieces
• ¼ toasted pine nuts
• 2 tbsp. finely chopped flat leaf parsley
• 1 ½ tsp. lemon zest
• 4 tsp. olive oil

What to do:

1. Toast nuts in shallow baking pan for 5 minutes in a 350ºF oven.
2. Cook beans in large saucepan of boiling water plus 1 tbsp. salt for 3-4 minutes or just until they turn bright green, then drain.
3. Toss beans in large bowl with parsley, zest and oil. Season with salt and pepper to taste.

Laced Cranberry Relish

Photo by muffet on Flickr, licensed under Creative Commons.

Homemade cranberry sauce adds a bright streak of flavor across your palate. This is the best, yet some how the jellied stuff ends up on my table every year and is, well, weird. Makes 2 ½-ish cups.

Ingredients

• 1 12-oz. bag fresh cranberries, divided
• ¾ cup sugar or a little more, if you like it sweeter
• ½ cup orange juice
• 1 tbsp. fresh ginger (optional)
• 1 tsp. orange peel

What to do:

1. Bring half the bag of cranberries, sugar, orange juice and ginger (if using) to a boil in medium sauce pan until all sugar is dissolved. Cook a bit longer until it starts getting thicker and bubbles pop in viscous victory, about 10 minutes.
2. Chop remaining cranberries and orange peel with a big knife or a food processor using on-off turns until they are small, but not a paste. Mix this concoction into the pot to finish the sauce.

Pumpkin Pie Crème-Brulée-Style

Photo by pbody on Flickr, licensed under Creative Commons.

Pie is essential at Thanksgiving. In my opinion, pie is essential at all holidays. This puts an easy and impressive twist on the iconic Thanksgiving treat.

Shortcuts: First, because you are already doing so much go ahead and buy a pre-baked crust. It’s not as good, but you have other things to worry about. Second, you can substitute 3 tsp. pumpkin pie spices for the other spices — again, this is a choice.

Ingredients for filling

• 1 15-oz. can pure pumpkin
• ¾ cup plus 4 tbsps. sugar
• 3 large eggs
• 1 ¼ cups whipping cream
• 1 tsp. ground cinnamon
• 1 tsp. ground ginger
• ¼ tsp. ground nutmeg
• Pinch of ground cloves
• ¼ tsp. salt

What to do:

1. Place rack in the middle of the oven and preheat the oven to 350ºF.
2. Mix pumpkin and ¾ cup of sugar in a large bowl. Then, whisk in eggs one by one, then cream, spices and salt. Pour the filling into the crust (lick the bowl!).
3. Bake for about 50 minutes. The edges of the filling should be puffy and the center steady.
4. Cool to room temperature, then chill in the fridge for at least 2 hours, or until after eating.
5. After dinner, preheat the broiler (your oven dial should have a setting called “broil”).
6. Sprinkle pie filling evenly with 2 tbsp. sugar and broil until sugar starts to melt and caramelize, turning the pie until all the sugar is brown, about 1 minute. Add remaining 2 tbsp. of sugar and repeat process.
7. Put creation in the fridge for 30 minute to harden the sugar. Serve with whipped cream.

Congratulations! In one day, you have made Thanksgiving dinner and officially became an adult. Not bad for a Thursday. Next up, how to handle yourself at a Christmas dinner with the family and an open bar. A far more tricky procedure.