It is in this humble blogger’s opinion that Sarah and George were never together. Why? Because I truly believe in my heart of hearts that Mr. Clooney is gay. I simply don’t believe that a man that gorgeous, smart, charming and sexy would ever be caught dead with a Sarah Lawson. I mean, seriously, if George wanted a woman, who’s stopping him from a Christy Turlington (’90s supermodel and cum laude NYU graduate) or a Michelle Pfeiffer in her heyday? He could have his pick of the litter. So in conclusion, Mr. Clooney’s PR rep needs to do a better job next time in picking out Clooney’s lady love.

Lindsay and Samantha have been seen in Cannes holding hands, kissing on P.Diddy’s yacht and LiLo has been spotted wearing what looks like an engagement ring. And according to a blogger for New York Post, the two have reportedly moved in together. Lindsay’s mom, the infamous Dina Lohan, has denied the rumors that the two are together, claiming they’re simply best friends. Maybe it’s true, but I find that best gal pals don’t go on European vacations together and give each other hickeys.

Maybe coming out as a lesbian would be a good move for Lindsay, although realistically I think she would only ever admit to being bi. Since nothing else has been going on with LiLo besides a guest appearance on Ugly Betty and stealing a fur coat, maybe this is the right time to reveal to the world that she loves the ladies.

Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson were wedded Saturday night in Joe and Tina Simpson’s Encino estate in California.

Obviously my invitation got lost in the mail, and I am pissed. Here are the details in case you weren’t able to attend either:

The wedding theme was “Alice In Wonderland,” much classier than “I’m pregnant and my album is doing really badly.” Ashlee wore a wedding dress by designer de jour, Monique Lhuillier.

There were around 150 people in attendance, including Nicole Richie, Joel Madden, CaCee Cobb (sis Jessica’s BFF), and actor Donald Faison. Jessica was the maid of honor, and her ex Tony Romo, showed up as her date. Dad Joe Simpson performed the non-denominational ceremony, and Pete Wentz’s bulldog was the ring bearer. What a cute family affair.

To be honest, these two seem like they have a chance (and by a chance I mean maybe they won’t get a divorce in less than two years.) They’ve been dating since 2006 and have tons of stuff in common, like their love of Japanese Hair Straightening. Ashlee has yet to confirm whether or not she’s pregnant, but, I mean… come on.

Weird, I thought she was just getting fat, so that proves how much I know. Mazel Tov, Angelina. And Brad, keep getting her pregnant, because we all know what the world needs now is more gorgeous celebuspawn.

I feel bad, but to be honest, her stock has gone down in the past few years. She hasn’t released a hit in what feels like forever, her latest movie was straight to DVD, and she’s been hawking hair extensions and Proactiv Acne Solution… not so hot.

What led to the break-up has yet to be determined. Maybe it had something to do with the June ‘08 Glamour profile piece, in which Jessica talked about her relationship for half of the article.

“What he’s done for me is irreplaceable,” Simpson says about her newfound confidence. “It feels like forever,” she says about the months they’ve been together. “I love this guy. Can you feel it?”

“He reintroduced me to myself. I thought that I had to be deeper, more profound and more artsy. You change with the guys you date. [I thought] I had to be more intellectual. Come on—just be yourself! Tony taught me that because he loves me [as me]. He made me feel comfortable [being myself] again.”

Now, I’m not a relationship expert, but I can tell you right now that if I was Tony, this would be a major turnoff. Thus I’d go running into the arms of these Jessica look-a-likes, much like he did the other night.

Now for the most important question: will the two ever make it down the aisle? Hate to be a Debbie Downer, but I’m going to have to say no on this one for two good reasons:

1. This is not Ryan’s first time in marriage land. Ryan dated Alanis Morissette for two years before getting engaged. The engagement lasted for three years until they called it off in February 2007. That is not reassuring.
2. Scarlett doesn’t really seem like she’s ready to settle down. She’s 23 and really hot. Apparently she’s hooked up with Benicio Del Toro in an elevator. And she has gone on the record saying that monogamy is “hard work” and that she doesn’t find having one sexual partner natural. That is not reassuring.

I suppose only time will tell if wedding bells are really in the future. In the meantime let’s wish them luck, and hope they sign a pre-nup.

Photos have surfaced confirming speculation that Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are dating. I’m not going to lie, John and Jen look good together– but maybe it’s just their beach bodies talking. I’m sure they bond over his chick music or her unforgettable role as Mark Walhberg‘s girlfriend in the classic “Rock Star,” but I personally never really understood the whole John Mayer craze. Don’t get me wrong, if he asked me out I’d totally say yes– but he’s still a lothario who has dated Jennifer Love Hewitt, Cameron Diaz, Jessica Simpson, Heidi Klum, and Minka Kelly just to name a few. You are not going to be able to tie this one down!

You may be a serial dater, too, Jen, but it’s time you settled down (someone else has…) You need to start thinking about new prospective husbands. Or better yet, good movie roles. I could see you in a Woody Allen comedy. I’d say that if there hasn’t been a career resurgence in two year, you might want to start looking at TV pilots. Something edgy, maybe on Showtime. But whatever you do, no adoptions, okay?

Latina Magazine is reporting that Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon eloped yesterday on some rando island. Rumors that the two were dating had been circulating for a few months (conveniently around the release of Mimi’s newest CD E=MC².) Mariah is 38, Nick is 27, and I am nauseous.

Both of these two singers/entrepreneurs have dabbled in marriage before. Mariah was married to Tommy Mottola, a Columbia Records Executive, in a 1993 summer ceremony that mirrored Princess Diana’s. They were divorced in 1997 (quelle suprise!). More recently, Nick Cannon was engaged to Victoria Secret’s supermodel Selita Ebanks from May 7th, 2007 to Oct. 4th, 2007. He has also been linked to Christina Milian and Kim Kardashian.

So, what does this all mean? I don’t really know. I’m not even sure this is really happening, as the two may just be punking us. I hope they have little diva children named Miracle, Glitter and Butterfly, regardless of gender. Something tells me that this won’t last more than four months. But I’m still christening their celeb couple name as Nickiah.

Is anyone else super not excited about this? Conan is a cute, smart, quirky goof. Jimmy is a cute, smart, quirky goof. The reason Conan was so popular was that he was such a breath of fresh air after Jay’s mainstream Masshole shtick. I don’t think I’ve seen Jimmy Fallon in anything since his departure from SNL (except, of course, the cinematic masterpiece “Taxi,” costarring Queen Latifah). So why him?

Now, I’m not spouting some feminist nonsense, because we all know that a woman’s place is on daytime chat shows, but we could have gone a bit differently, no? Wouldn’t Rob Corddry work? How about SNL alum Tim Meadows? And Patton Oswalt would be awesome.

All I know is that if Jimmy’s first monologue is five minutes of his Jerry Seinfeld and Adam Sandler impressions, I’m watching “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”

(Seriously, though, Jimmy’s impressions are awesome.)

Correction — May 12, 2008: This article originally stated that Conan O’Brien hosts “The Late Show“. He in fact hosts Late Night. Thanks to commenter Bucky O’Hare for the correction.

In a statement released to PEOPLE by her publicist, Miley said this, “I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be ‘artistic’ and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed. I never intended for any of this to happen and I apologize to my fans who I care so deeply about.”

Gosh, I hate it when Annie Lebowitz photos end up making me look like a skank…oh wait, they never do! Thousands of starlets would die (or maybe give up food for three months) to be photographed by Annie Lebowitz.  Not to mention a spread in Vanity Fair. I can only believe that Disney is really breathing down Cyrus’s neck here. The photos were taken digitally, thus Miley and her parents could view them immediately during the shoot. And, Miley released this statement during the photo shoot, “I think it’s really artsy. It wasn’t in a skanky way,” and additionally, “Annie took, like, a beautiful shot, and I thought that was really cool. That’s what she wanted me to do, and you can’t say no to Annie.” 

Indeed you cannot. It’s unfair for Vanity Fair and Annie Lebowitz to be getting the blame for this, as Miley, her parents, and Disney representatives were at the shoot and saw the pictures! It’s clear to me that Miley is simply a sexy teen (nothing wrong with that,) whose need to sow her royal oats has far exceeded Disney’s tolerance. With that being said, The Hannah Montana Movie is currently being filmed.  We’ll have to see what happens.