But instead of spending money on stuffed animals and chocolate hearts, unhappy people now have their own unnecessary gifts on which to waste money. Materialistic holidays aren’t just for the happily-coupled! Here are some Valentine’s gifts for the rest of us.

Photo courtesy of despair.com.

Bittersweets

First, we have a twist on candy hearts. Made by the kindred spirits over at Despair, Inc., these aren’t the sweets an average kindergartener sneaks into her crush’s backpack. Nope, these babies come in three varieties: dysfunctional, dumped and dejected. In a troubled relationship? Give your not-so-sweetheart candies with printed sayings like “I BEEN CREEPIN” and “MUTUAL DISGUST.” By Feb. 15, your relationship will have gone from dysfunctional to nonexistent! If you’re out of that dysfunctional relationship and still despising your ex, try the “Dumped” candies, as nothing says Valentine’s like “CELEB8 THX2U.” Finally, for those of you who are single and hating it, the “dejected” category offers you phrases like “I MISS MY EX” and “PEAKED AT 17″; not only will you be okay with staying in on Valentine’s, you’ll be so depressed you’ll never want to leave the house again! Don’t forget, you can also buy these for your dysfunctional, dumped and dejected friends… if you don’t mind being a horrible person and ending those friendships forever.

Nietzsche valentine’s cards

Nobody does cynicism like Nietzsche. These Valentine’s cards all feature the oh-so-sexy mustachioed face of none other than Friedrich Nietzsche and one of his delightful and uplifting quotes about love. One of the cards, which probably best exemplifies the overall tone of this set of seven, features this quote: “The demand to be loved is the greatest of all arrogant presumptions.” Another good one declares, “A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love.” And on the inside, of course, the card says “Happy Valentine’s Day.” Give them to everyone you know.

Gross gifts for your exes

Do you have a no-good cad of an ex? Did the last girl you date break your heart and empty your wallet? If so, perhaps you want to use Valentine’s Day as the perfect opportunity to show them just how much you hate them. After all, hate is the only emotion as powerful as love. A Web site called “The Payback” offers you just the right ways to express this hatred. Here you can have dead flowers, melted chocolates and/or dead fish sent to the former objects of your affection. Just imagine your ex’s surprise when he or she opens up that package on Valentine’s Day, expecting candy and maybe even jewelry, only to find a disgusting, smelly, dead fish. It sends a pretty clear message, and it ain’t “Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.” Use only if you are absolutely sure you never want to get back together — or even see this person’s face ever again.

Buy this shirt, and no one will doubt your dedication to Valentine’s Day. Photo courtesy of Cafe Press.

T-shirts

The fine people of the Internet have come up with all kinds of ways for you to emblazon your hatred of all things Valentine’s Day right across your chest. There is the ever-so-subtle “Love sucks. Rent a Hooker” tee, only rivaled in subtlety by one that says “Love sucks, yet lacks the decency to swallow” (great for Valentine’s Day, and job interviews!), on a neon green background, no less. Of course, if you want to take a different approach, you can always get the one that says “VD makes me hurl.” I like it because it’s ambiguous — it could mean you hate Valentine’s or it could mean you hate venereal disease, or it could mean you hate both! Also available in baby sizes — always a good idea to get them bitter nice and early. For the lonely guy in your life, there’s this t-shirt that says “Now accepting applications for Japanese girlfriends”… in Japanese. Now he can be desperate in two languages!

Lap pillow

If all you want for Valentine’s Day is someone to snuggle up to, try this pillow. The description on the Web site pretty much says it all: “This pillow is skin-coloured polyurethene calves folded under soft thighs, a comfy cushion for napping, reading, or watching television.” I recommend that you hide it when company comes over.

By the start of his 9 a.m. class, Weinberg freshman Brian Levin has begun watching his investments.

When the markets open, he checks his models to try to predict what will happen in the markets, and then starts formulating investment positions. He calls other professionals and traders on the floor of the Chicago Board of Trade to see what they’re doing that day, or if there are any rumors going around the trading community. He adjusts his investment positions throughout the day until 3 p.m. when the equity market closes.

Levin has been investing since he was 13 years old. Three years ago, he took on clients and founded the hedge fund BDL Capital Advisors, which he still runs today — when he’s not in class. Levin has over forty clients, an office in Vernon Hills, IL, and a snazzy Web site. Despite the current economic downturn, 2008 was BDL Capital Advisors’ best year yet financially.

Levin’s investment career began with some early initiative.

Brian Levin’s daily schedule.
Graphic by Alan Boccadoro / NBN.

“A lot of it was independent research, my own curiosity. I started when I was thirteen just from reading and talking to people,” Levin said. Whenever there was something he wanted to learn, he would look it up himself, or go to the library to research. His friend and classmate, Weinberg freshman Andrew Levin (no relation), attested to Levin’s unusually inquisitive nature: “He is one of a kind in that he wants to know everything,” Andrew said. “If there is something he is unsure about he will admit that to you, research it and then know more about it than you do tomorrow.”

Once Levin learned enough to try the business himself, he invested his bar mitzvah money, and was soon practicing the strategies he would later employ as hedge fund manager. When he was 15, he decided to take on clients. “If I can do this better than someone that’s 20 years older than me,” Levin thought, “then why not?”

Levin’s description of his current work is simple: “I manage an investment fund of investor money.” The transition from investing his own capital to taking on clients was undramatic, he said, because of his experience. In fact, he has an advantage over older investors: “I don’t have to worry about paying bills and whatnot,” Levin said, which makes risk-taking a little easier.

Brian has also enjoyed success and recognition in other areas of his life, particularly academics. During the summer of 2006, Brian was the youngest student in a graduate-level international business course at Harvard Summer School, said Dr. Wendy Jeffus, his professor for that course.

“He sat on the front row and always arrived early to the lectures. Although he was a young student, he was a natural leader,” Jeffus said. The next year, she invited Levin back to the class to give a speech. “Brian not only accepted the challenge, but organized a group of students and led a high quality multimedia presentation,” Jeffus said. Levin also completed a thesis on systemic risk in the spring of 2007.

Back at high school, Levin received a perfect score on the ACT as well as a perfect GPA, and his accomplishments made it into a short Chicago Tribune piece in the spring of 2008.

Brian Levin. Tracy Fuad / NBN.

Throughout high school he had to be creative in the ways he juggled school and his career. He traded on the overnight markets in Europe and Japan, so that he could attend classes during the day.

Now that he’s in college, he no longer has to trade overnight: He simply schedules his classes in the morning and evening, setting aside about four hours each afternoon for research, clients and trading. In addition to managing BDL Capital Advisors, he also directs other businesses owned by his family. He often makes weekend business trips to places like Mexico and China during the academic year. Although he is constantly busy, he never gets too overwhelmed. “Of course there are times when you wish you could be in five places at the same time and talking to 10 people on the phone,” he said, “but overall I’ve learned to balance everything from doing this for the last several years.”

Levin continues to balance business with academics at Northwestern: “Most people his age who have done what he has done will think that they are the king of the world, but Brian knows he still has a lot to learn and does not get in over his head and he does not allow his businesses to affect his schoolwork,” his friend Andrew said. “He is the best student you will ever find. He has, as of yet, not gotten below an A on any assignment or test this year.”

Levin plans to continue with his company as a career, and he wants to grow his fund to attract institutional investors rather than private investors. He aspires to be like fellow Chicago-area hedge fund manager Kenneth C. Griffin, CEO of Citadel Investment Group, one of the largest hedge fund managers in the world. Levin said he would like to “follow in his footsteps, maybe even be bigger.”

His friend Andrew believes Levin is well on his way. “My father is a hedge fund manager and I am knowledgeable about the stock options business,” Andrew said. “I know loads of extremely wealthy and successful people in Brian’s field. However, he is above them.” Andrew said his father believes Levin has the potential to be “one of the very best in this business.”

“Given my dad’s 30 years of experience in the trading world in both Chicago and New York … this is definitely saying something,” Andrew said.

According to Jeffus, Levin succeeds not only because of his business prowess, but because of his ability to foster friendships with many different people. “I think Mr. Levin’s global network will prove to be invaluable over his lifetime,” Jeffus said. “During the summer session he met students from over 20 countries and has maintained a connection with many of his former classmates.”

Both in the world of business and in everyday social interactions, Levin makes a big impact, Andrew said. “He is the most impressive teenager I have ever met for his business savvy, his genius and his devotion to our friendship,” he said.

“Even when he is away on business trips in Mexico and Panama, as he has been during the school year, he is texting me or calling me or emailing me to see what’s going on in Allison Hall and how our friends are doing or whatever.”

Correction: The original article incorrectly stated Jeffus’s class was in the Harvard Business School. It is in the Harvard Summer School. North by Northwestern regrets the error.

As long as cigarettes have been popular, they’ve been associated with an aura of coolness and subversion. Kate Moss smoked. Jack White smoked. Barack Obama smoked. But singers have to hit the high notes and presidents can’t be getting lung cancer, so Jack and Barack quit. As of March of this year, Kate still smoked, but she’s not exactly the poster child for good lifestyle choices — she did date Pete Doherty voluntarily.

To combat this “cool” image, we hear more about the harmful effects of smoking every year, and every few months we have a new “Truth” commercial to shove the facts into our brains. Despite all of this, the popularity of smoking actually increased among college students in the 90s, and has continued at the same level of popularity since then, according to a study published by the American Psychological Association. The same study said that 30 percent of American college students smoke; that’s compared to 22.8 percent of the general adult population according to the American Lung Association. But does smoking’s popularity with college students translate into popularity at NU? Or do we judge our fellow students who smoke? And where does hookah fit in to all of this?

Anybody Got a Light?

If there’s any indication of how unpopular smoking is at Northwestern, it’s how hard it was for me to find a smoker to interview for this article. Maybe it was the cold weather, or maybe it was Parents’ Weekend driving smokers to ignore their cravings and stay indoors, but for whatever reason there were barely any to be seen on campus this past weekend. Compared to other college campuses, like Sarah Lawrence College where smoking is so prevalent that students receive a P.E. credit just for quitting, smokers are few and far between here at Northwestern.

To see just how many smokers we actually have here at Northwestern, I conducted a survey of 100 students. Of the students surveyed, 30 percent said they had smoked cigarettes before, and 16 percent said they smoked currently. When asked how frequently they smoked, the most common response averaged around one to three times a week, with several saying they smoked “only when drinking.” In fact, the most any student admitted to smoking was one cigarette each day. These results reveal that while there are some Northwestern students who smoke, most of these students do not consider themselves regular smokers, but rather, “social smokers.”

More than 70 percent of college smokers are “social smokers,” defined as “smoking most commonly while partying or socializing,” according to a study by the Journal of American College Health. One thing the majority of social smokers have in common is that they do not consider themselves to be smokers at all.

In fact, in order to find a single smoker, I had to resort to somewhat unorthodox methods — I decided to put my own lungs on the line in the hopes that social smokers would reveal themselves to me and agree to be interviewed.

It wasn’t my first time smoking. In fact, I know my way around cigarettes quite well. I started smoking one cold evening in high school, in a parking lot outside a coffee shop. Since then, I’ve been known to have a bum smoke or two when the mood strikes. So after hours of fruitlessly wandering the campus, I walked into 711 and asked for a pack of Camel No. 9s, needlessly nervous as I handed my ID to the guy behind the counter. With my pack of cigarettes in tow, I walked to the ashtray in front of what I had been told was a “smoking dorm” and proceeded to light up. Immediately, someone walked up to me and asked if I had a light. Within seconds of lighting my first cigarette, I had found my first interviewee, and learned my first lesson about smokers at Northwestern: they love company.

Unpopular but un-criticized

From then on, I found people to interview pretty easily, and they generally had similar things to say about the perception of smoking on campus. Weinberg freshman Joanne Kim said that she does not believe there is a stigma associated with smoking at Northwestern, while Music sophomore Sam Moon summed up the general consensus pretty well: “I usually don’t really think about it that much, but I guess that I know a lot of my friends don’t like it.”

Moon also affirmed the fact that Northwestern is an exception among colleges. “I’ve been to different [colleges] with my friends from other schools, and there’s a lot more smokers,” he said.

Non-smokers echoed these views. “I know some people who smoke occasionally, like around other smokers or in the right situation, but not many people who do it regularly,” Medill freshman S.K. Dachowitz said.

Medill junior Tony Jarboe agreed: “As you’re seeing an increase in the number of hoops people have to jump through to light up, you see a decrease in people who are willing and able to light up.”

While most students think smoking is pretty unpopular on campus, they also think that smokers aren’t really judged for their habit — if the students I talked to thought there was any kind of stigma attached to smoking cigarettes, they said it was a mild one and that it was due to the health effects. “The more we learn of the health effects, the more a stigma becomes attached,” Jarboe said.

Why so unpopular?

And the health effects are aplenty. While many students make intelligent health decisions to avoid smoking that could lead to addiction, others have gaps in their knowledge that could be very dangerous to their health, according to Dr. Peter Sporn, associate professor of medicine at Northwestern. One myth is that by just smoking “socially” they’ll avoid the ill health effects of cigarettes — but that’s not entirely true.

While social smokers avoid some of the long-term effects of smoking, they are still at risk for all the acute effects such as potentially exacerbating their asthma, causing eye problems, and other respiratory problems besides cancer and emphysema.

Another very dangerous practice is smoking while taking birth control pills. Dr. Sporn said that every case of pulmonary embolism that he sees in young women that’s not due to genetics is due to smoking while on birth control.

While many students identify the health risks associated with smoking, others cite the economy for the reason their lungs are clear: Smoking is just too expensive for many students. “In general you’re seeing a decrease in smoking as cigarettes become more expensive and other things become more expensive,” Jarboe said.

Those other things you might be inhaling

Until I started high school, I thought smoking hookah was just something caterpillars did while sitting on mushrooms. Now, however, according many sources such as The L.A. Times, hookah is gaining popularity among college students.

Students’ responses on the popularity of smoking hookah were much different than those on smoking cigarettes. “I think it has rather less of a stigma attached,” McCormick sophomore Greg McGlynn said.

Jarboe had a similar opinion, saying, “I think especially in a college atmosphere you’re likely to see the smoking of hookah,” describing it as “more socially acceptable.”

Our survey lends evidence to these opinions. Of those who responded, 36 percent admitted to smoking hookah, most of whom said they did so only on the weekends. Some students own their own hookah, and others go to hookah bars, but hookah is also a staple at parties. “I was at a party last weekend and someone pulled out a hookah and everyone passed it around,” Dachowitz said. “I would say in most kids’ minds it’s less dangerous and less bad for your health.”

This belief, however, is false. According to Dr. Peter Sporn, lung expert and associate professor of medicine at Northwestern, students’ perception of hookah as healthier than cigarettes is very wrong. “It’s a popular myth that smoking hookah is less dangerous than smoking cigarettes,” he said.“It contains all the bad things that are in cigarette smoke. Some of the very dangerous components are in higher concentrations. It involves holding higher quantities of smoke in your lungs for a longer period of time.”

Another smoked substance also seems to be more popular on campus than cigarettes, though it is less than legal. As one student surveyed said, “I know a lot of people who smoke pot, not cigarettes,” or as another guy succinctly put it, “Pass it!” Of those who responded to the survey, 27 percent admitted to smoking marijuana. Largely, those who smoked pot claimed to do so much more frequently than those who smoked hookah or cigarettes, with the most common response being that the respondent smoked a few times a week, while some overachieving potheads claimed to smoke “daily,” “three times a day,” and even “every hour on the hour.”

One possible reason for the prevalence of these types of smoking over cigarette smoking is that they are considered healthier — of course, this is not true. Another reason may be that hookah and pot are generally smoked in private. Perhaps some students fear the possible public judgment that can be associated with smoking cigarettes, which could explain social smoking: If you’ve got a light, then you’ve probably left your judgments at home.

Photos modeled by Weinberg freshman Peter Skopec and Weinberg junior Yale Sun.

Among the members of my family, I am the perennial deadbeat Christmas gift-giver. As I am currently at the point where doing laundry is too much of an investment, I hardly have the funds to purchase pricey gifts, and I’m sure I’m not alone in this regard. The current economy would force even St. Nick to cut back on his expenses.

But this year, I shall be a deadbeat no more. My mom will no longer have need to purchase gifts for me to give away like she has in the past. Nope, this year I have devised a shopping list of free and ridiculously inexpensive gifts, which I will now share with you. With every last one of them cheap enough to satisfy even the skinflint-iest of Dickensian curmudgeons, if these presents fail to warm your loved ones’ hearts, they will at least amuse or annoy the crap out of them — and what better way to spread the holiday spirit?

For the young-at-heart

Fast-food toys: Before I present the lucky recipient with this gift, I imagine I’ll turn the lights down low and play a Vince Guaraldi record on the turntable to set the scene. Then, they’ll carefully open the wrapping paper to find: a Snoopy backpack clip! That’s right, Peanuts holiday toys are now available in each Wendy’s kid’s meal. You know how happy meals work, you buy a ridiculously cheap and delicious meal and receive a free toy. By purchasing this particular meal, you will be able to give the Charlie Brown in your life a wistful reminder of those winsomely melancholy Peanuts holiday specials — hey, it’s better than a rock! If you’re too lazy to make the effort to go all the way to Wendy’s, fear not, my friend, for there are free toy opportunities right in our own backyard. Currently at Burger King, there are Simpsons toys in each Big Kids meal, which should appeal to pretty much anyone you’d be giving a gift, because the Simpsons are totally boss. Plus, I’m almost certain that you get Christmas bonus points for giving a Santa’s Little Helper figurine as a gift. Also convenient, of course, Taco Bell is offering little stuffed creatures of some kind which they call “Mushniks” with each kid’s meal. One of their strengths is that they kind of look like the Monstars from Space Jam. Before they stole the basketball players’ essences and got all big and beefy.

For those who do not fear a hearty helping of sketch atop their holiday gifts

Craigslist: The free section of craigslist is chockfull of dubious gift possibilities. These range from fairly innocuous goodies like an adorable chipmunk figurine to much more insidious sounding offers — free piercing anyone? The listings contain many entertaining, and some genuinely intriguing, highlights at any given time. There are many standing offers for earthy basics such as free dirt, along with several listings for free wood — your nature-loving friends will be so excited when they open up those gifts! Other gift ideas include a holiday basket including free frozen turkey tails (poster’s endorsement: “Someone gave them to me and I just cant think of eating them.”), two large pumpkins, and a nine-foot artificial Christmas tree — true, you’ll have a heck of a time getting it into the basket, but just think how meta it will look under the tree! In all seriousness though, there are some fairly awesome craigslist freebies, including: a Hershey’s S’Mores Maker (essentially just a fondue kit, but still neat), an antique piano (”This should probably be used as furniture and not an instrument,” and think how awesome it will look in your friend’s dorm room!), a Turquoise Severum fish (it’s “reclusive” so it shouldn’t be hard to keep it hidden from your CA), and my personal favorite, a free pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey game — there is surely some drunken fun to be had with that one!

For wayward souls:

The Book of Mormon: Do you fear that your friends will be condemned to eternal damnation? Or do you just want to bug them by sending random strangers to ring their doorbell incessantly? Either way, you would do well to sign them up for a free Book of Mormon , or really any of the free media available at the Latter Day Saints website. I can guarantee you that within a week, a pair of Mormons will come knocking at your friend’s door bearing the gift of religious literature. And they will not give up ’til your friends answer. Not even if it takes months of phone calls. Bonus feature of this gift: for those of your friends who are seething about Prop 8, a one-on-one encounter with a Mormon will give them the chance to settle a score.

For the bookworm

Super cheap novels: There is an astounding number of used books available on Amazon for a dollar or less (though they generally do screw you over with four dollars of shipping). Finding a used copy of a book that has meant something to you or one that you know would interest the recipient is a truly thoughtful gift idea. Even if you’re only paying five dollars for it. Examples of awesome titles available at shockingly low prices include: David Sedaris’s Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim at ninety-six cents, Kurt Vonnegut’s Cat’s Cradle at seventy-two cents, and Marisha Pessl’s Special Topics in Calamity Physics at just sixty-five cents. Oh and you can get The DaVinci Code for one cent, but even that would be far too high a price to pay for that rubbish. As gifts, used books have added sentimental perks, like the scent of nostalgia they release the first time you open them and the opportunity they provide for you to inscribe the inside cover with love.

For those you love most

The happiest place on earth: Every once in a while, an opportunity arises that it so wondrous as to be entirely unfathomable. This is one of those opportunities: in the year 2009, on your birthday, Disneyland will offer you free admission to any theme park at their resort. Sign up friends, don’t tell them about the deal, and give them each one ticket to Disneyland redeemable only on the anniversary of their birth. They will probably love you forever, because a ticket to Disneyland is a ticket to paradise, and paradise is paradise even if you have to go there alone.

Now go forth and procure freebies and cheapies for your dear ones, because money isn’t what the holidays are all about — presents are what the holidays are all about, and no one need know their price.

As much as I enjoyed Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban in the fourth grade (and maybe one or two times after that), something about it has always nagged me. It wasn’t the usual creepiness of Snape. It wasn’t the continual suggestions that Harry was going to die. It wasn’t even that freaky trance Trelawney has towards the end of the book. No. It was butterbeer. Yes, that delicious beverage the kids consume in Hogsmeade. Why was I so bothered by this scrumptiously described drink? Because I believed I would never get to taste it. However, I am happy to tell you that I was wrong. We Muggles may too enjoy the benefits of a tall mug of butterbeer. Here, I will describe to you how to make not only butterbeer, but all of the fictional beverages you’ve been dreaming about drinking for years.

Butterbeer

I’m sure most of you are familiar with the beverage of my nine-year-old dreams. There’s even a wizard rock band called The Butterbeer Experience. But for those of you who aren’t huge Harry Potter dorks like myself, butterbeer is a drink that Harry and the gang consume in Hogsmeade that gives them a warm, fuzzy feeling inside. Here’s the recipe for butterbeer, just like Madame Rosmerta makes it.

You’ll need:

What to do: Mix the schnapps into the cream soda. Stir lightly so as not to let the soda go flat. Serve in beer mugs. Defeat He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

Ent-draught
Those of you who prefer Middle Earth to Hogwarts know that Ent-draught is a drink that has the taste of a woodland breeze as well as other special qualities. When the hobbits drink it in The Fellowship of the Ring, it makes their hair grow and it makes them grow taller. This recipe for Ent-draught might not make you gain any inches, but it will probably get you pretty drunk.

“Where’s my Ambrosia?!”
Photo by Greekgeek on Flickr, licensed under the Creative Commons.

You’ll need:

What to do: Mix all ingredients in a punch bowl. Drink. Sorry if it doesn’t help your midterm-induced premature hair loss.

Ambrosia
In Ancient Greece, ambrosia was the drink of the gods. It was supposed to have had a sublime scent and taste and to have bestowed immortality on whmoever drank it. For me, ambrosia is diet coke. There is, however, also a mixed drink called ambrosia that is both sweeter than diet coke and less likely to cause cancer. Here’s how to mix your own divine drink.

You’ll need:

What to do: Combine all ingredients except champagne in a cocktail shaker and shake. Pour over ice. Add champagne and stir gently. Drink. Pack up your things and move to Mount Olympus.

The Flaming Moe (originally the Flaming Homer)
This drink comes from a classic episode from the The Simpsons’ heyday. When Moe’s Tavern runs out of beer one night, Homer tells Moe about a drink he unintentionally invented. After running out of beer one evening, he poured whatever was left of several booze bottles into a glass, accidentally including a bottle of Krusty’s Non-Narkotik Kough Syrup. Marge’s sister Patty dropped cigarette ashes in the drink and set it ablaze, making it much tastier. Moe stole Homer’s drink idea, renamed it and it became the appletini of Springfield. Now you can taste the drink that briefly turned Moe’s Tavern into a trendy bar.

You’ll need:

What to do: Combine all ingredients in a glass and stir. Light beverage on fire and put it out. Try not to burn down the dorm. Imbibe.

“The Freshmen Freeze”
Okay, this beverage hasn’t been featured in any novels, myths or television shows, but it is something I dream about. Plus, if your dorm has a C-Store in it, you probably won’t even have to leave the building for ingredients.
You’ll need:

What to do: Pour vodka into slushy. Allow it to soak all the way through the ice. Get your drink on.

Want to mix up fictional drinks of your own?
Angela Roman of The Signature Lounge in downtown Chicago has some tips for fledgling mixologists:

Now go confidently in the direction of the drinks of your dreams.

A movie theater in South Jordan, Utah moved one of its showings of the new High School Musical 3 to a larger screen right before the movie was scheduled to start in order to make room for a large audience. What the operators of the theater forgot to do, however, was to replace the film reels of the movie that was previously showing in the theater with those of HSM 3. As a result, an audience consisting of mostly children and their parents expecting to see the bopping-to-the-top of Ashley Tisdale and Zac Efron was treated to a showing of the raucous teen comedy Sex Drive, complete with full-frontal nudity. Needless to say, the Mormons were not pleased.

Upon hearing that Kel had gone off the radar, I decided to embark upon an internet quest to rescue this Nickelodeon legend from his recent obscurity. First, I uncovered the basics: he was born right here in Chicago, he’s 30 (crazy, I know), he is divorced with two children, etc. Then I dug a little deeper. Apparently, in 2006, an internet rumor circulated that Mr. Mitchell was deceased. Thankfully, in fact, he is not. He is, however, on Myspace. And making youtube video parodies of popular hip-hop songs–I personally recommend “Love with Nubs,” based on Usher’s “Love in this Club.” According to his Myspace, he is now residing in Los Angeles, but there’s always a chance he’ll come back to visit his hometown (I’ve got my fingers crossed).

There is but one question left unanswered: does he still love orange soda?

You stay up until 4 a.m. studying for a midterm, only to sleep through your cell phone alarm and wake up with just five minutes to get ready and sprint to class in time to take your test. Or maybe you decide to take a quick nap before that hot date, which of course turns into a several-hour affair, and you get up with barely five minutes left to primp and preen. Uh oh.

If you’ve repeatedly found yourself in one of these scenarios, and know it’ll happen again, you’re already familiar with the fear that comes with the realization that you need to put yourself together in just minutes. But with a few sneaky tips, you can leave your room looking cool and composed, no matter where you’re heading, in just five minutes. Here’s how:

Class

Okay, I’m going to be honest: it’s a bit tough to get out the door in five minutes without a little preparation beforehand. Life and wellness coach Andrea Gaines recommended the three P’s: “Planning plus preparation equals progress.” For example, if you’re not a morning person, you should probably shower at night (unless you’re trying to bring back the grunge look.). And if you’re indecisive, it helps to have at least a vague idea of what you’re wearing. Now, stop hitting snooze, get your pre-showered self out of bed and follow these tips to help you get out the door and into your lecture hall seat in less time than it takes to move through the line at Norbucks.

• Don’t be afraid to incorporate your PJs into your class outfit. If you’re already wearing leggings, toss a dress over them. If you’re wearing a t-shirt, throw on some skinny jeans underneath.
• “Wear something Northwestern-ish, like a Northwestern hoodie, because that’s always in style,” suggested Weinberg senior Chelsea Thompson.
• You don’t need makeup for class. Seriously. Don’t put on makeup before you go to class.
• If you must wear makeup to class, wear only the bare minimum. Mascara and Chapstick should do it.
• “If you don’t have time for a shower, put your hair in braids,” recommended Weinberg freshman Eliza Epstein. Braided pigtails are always cute, and they’ll disguise any disastrous state your hair might be in.
• Wear shoes you don’t have to tie or buckle, like boots, flats, or Velcro sneakers (not really. You’re not five anymore).
• Jewelery will trick people into thinking you’re more put together than you really are. If you have a favorite piece or two, accessorize your outfit for an effortless but effective touch of style.
• Keep quick breakfast items like cereal bars and bottled water in your room so you can stuff them in your bag and go, Gaines suggested.
• Brush your teeth! This is one step you shouldn’t cut out. As Gaines says, “You’ve got to take care of you and then you’ll be more successful at work.”

A Date

It’s easy enough to look presentable in five minutes — the real challenge is in looking good. Luckily, most dates are in the early evening, so at least you should already be washed and brushed by the time you’re getting ready to hit the town. Here’s the rest of the drill:

• Before you start rushing and fumbling around trying to get everything done in time, Gaines recommended a moment of quiet reflection – just take a deep breath to calm yourself down, so that you don’t end up putting your shoes on the wrong feet or falling down the stairs of the dorm on your way out.
• A dress is the easiest way to go — but spiff it up a bit with tights and boots. Wear something that makes you feel good about yourself, Gaines suggested. “Comfortable is more important than dressing to the nines.” You can never go wrong with an empire-waisted dress – they’re tightest at your thinnest point and flow away from your midsection, meaning you can comfortably eat as much as you want on that dinner date and no one will be the wiser.
• Now, the hair. If you’re having a bad hair day and your scalp is going to need some major attention before going out in public, try throwing it up into an artfully messy bun. If your hair is still presentable, brush it out and wear it down. Either style should only take about a minute.
• Date makeup is certainly different from class makeup, but you can still look nice using fewer products than you think. Gaines recommended always having a “five minute face” at the ready: Start with tinted moisturizer, add some powder, a little bit of blush, dark eyeliner and mascara, and you’re done.
• Use your last minute to accessorize. Put on some jewelery or a scarf, grab your purse and your favorite coat, and have a great time.

A Party
Again, slow down. “One deep breath can be like a conscious meditation, getting you grounded and in the present moment,” Gaines said. You’re just going to a party. It’ll probably be dark and sweaty, so no one will notice you spent way less time than everyone else getting ready anyways. Don’t you feel better already?

• Dressing for a party isn’t the same as for a date. Pants and a cute top are the way to go — when you’re already in a rush, you’ll avoid any potential party mishaps by skipping the skirt or dress.
• Heels are a poor choice when you’re in a dash. Instead, choose a wedge that’s cute and dressy but a little more practical than your favorite pair of stilettos.
• Parties are usually hot and crowded; therefore, some kind of updo, like a low ponytail with a headband, is probably the best option. By putting your hair up, you can avoid flat or frizzy, sweaty hair at the end of the night.
• Add glam in seconds by putting on a pair of big flashy earrings. They do wonders.
• In terms of makeup, go for maximum impact with minimum effort. Shannon Whinery of Benefit Cosmetics Boutique recommended using a dual cheek and lip stain to save time. Blush can always double as a lip stain — just throw on some lip gloss or Chapstick on top.

Now, get out of the dorm and have some fun! You probably needed the extra 30 minutes of sleep anyhow, and no one will ever know that you didn’t spend hours getting ready.

This will be her third child. She already has one fourteen-month-old daughter named Lola with current boyfriend Jason Momoa, and of course, nineteen-year-old Zoe Kravitz with the one and only Lenny. Having always had something of a girl crush on the most Bohemian of the Huxtables, I must extend my warmest congratulations to Ms. Bonet. May her child be as cute as Rudy Huxtable (in the early years, before she got awkward).