Nim’s Island

Abigail Breslin, who played the child Olive in Little Miss Sunshine, stars in this swashbuckling family movie. Jodie Foster plays a fantasy author. Along with the lead character from her book (not sure how that works) they help Breslin find her poppy.

Big-name guest appearances abound. Breslin is cute. The premise is cute. A lot of money has been thrown into it. Won’t be bad.

Shine a Light

It’s basically a Rolling Stones concert video. However, it was directed by Academy-Award-winning director Martin Scorsese.

See Mick Jagger strut. See Keith Richards’s face droop past his shoulders. See guest appearances by celebrity friends Christina Aguilera and Bill Clinton. There aren’t many surprises, but it’s nice to look at. “[Scorsese] comes at the Stones from every imaginable angle. He voodoos the footage into a fluid whole,” New York magazine says.

Leatherheads

George Clooney and The Office’s John Krasinski star as 1920s football players competing for the affections of a reporter, played by the always puckered Renee Zellweger. Directed by Clooney, it is easy enough to like but everything from its predictable lines to its premise are just as easy to forget.

Krasinski may be redeemed from last year’s miserable License to Wed, but nobody else is so lucky. “Aims only to please and proves perfectly amiable, but ultimate effect is one of much energy expended to minimal payoff,” Variety says.

The Ruins

You’re on vacation with your friends. It’s exotic. You’re having a great time and then bad stuff happens. Hostel or Turistas have been transported to Central America by producer Ben Stiller. Just like the plot, this is just another horror flick — cool visual effects, bad acting and an even worse script.

This week, The Evanston Century 12 is even playing The Counterfeiters, the winner for best foreign film (in a category that had some notable omissions). It’s an Austrian film about counterfeiters in a Nazi concentration camp.

The Other Boleyn Girl

Natalie Portman? Hot. Scarlett Johansson? Hot. And really, at the end of the day, what else do you need?

The two play the Boleyn sisters, Mary and Anne, who are put up by their father to seduce King Henry VIII. First Mary wins his love and bears his illegitimate child. Then Anne convinces him to dump both Mary and his wife, Katherine of Aragorn, for her. Let drama and cat-fighting ensue.

Although fit with a stunning cast, there’s too much drama to fit into two hours. But it’s nice to look at, nonetheless. “A sexy Tudor soap opera about the beautiful, sensual and tragic second wife of Henry VIII,” the New York Observer said.

Semi-Pro

It’s Will Ferrell and Andre 3000. It’s going to be bad, really bad. Please don’t see it. Please?

Chicago 10

An animated film based on the demonstration at the 1968 Democratic Convention, which led to the arrest and trial of eight protesters. With live footage of the events cut in, it’s powerful stuff.

“Chicago 10 is a reminder of a time when the counter-culture was out on the street making noise–a history lesson so removed from our present political climate, it feels almost like science fiction,” Slant Magazine said.

City of Men

From the producer of City of God comes City of Men. The story of two friends who are torn apart by a life of gangs, drug dealing and everything else that comes with the territory. It’s all been done before but done pretty well.

“City of Men is clunky and often contrived, but there’s something haunting about fatherless boys in a blighted place fumbling to teach themselves what it means to be a man,” New York Magazine said.

Oh, and it’s Portuguese.

Penelope

Christina Ricci plays an aristocratic heiress (a princess, if you will) who was born cursed with a pig’s nose. The only way to break the spell is to find her one true love (played by James McAvoy. You could certainly do worse.)

The modern-day fairy tale is getting old. I get it. Every girl wants to be a princess, that’s why they created My Size Whatever dolls. Yet the movie itself isn’t bad, even if the “love yourself and the world will love you back” theme makes me twitch, and not in a good way.

“Charming, low-key fable with sly modern twists,” the Hollywood Reporter said.

Vantage Point

The president has been killed. Who did it? There are eight viewpoints of the situation, so whose is right? Starring Dennis Quaid and Matthew Fox of Lost as FBI agents trying to solve the case, and directing credits by Pete Travis, it is has everything a movie needs to succeed. Too bad it’s slow and generally mediocre work from an all-star cast.

“Alas, this well-crafted terrorist plot is sandwiched between two terrible acts, making for the kind of movie that you should walk into late and sneak out of early,” MSNBC said.

Be Kind Rewind

Jack Black, Danny Glover and Mos Def star in this film directed by Michel Gondry, the man behind Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and The Science of Sleep.

Premise: In this Michel Gondry-directed flick, Jack Black’s head gets magnetized and erases all the videos in Mos Def’s movie store. They recreate the movies themselves on slightly lower-than-original budgets. Jack Black is awesome in it; everything else, a little less so.

“For all of Gondry’s undeniable talent, it would be hard to imagine him pulling off this delicate and even cornball conceit without his star, Jack Black,” said Kik Honeycutt of Hollywood Reporter.

Charlie Bartlett

It’s another screw the man teen flick with a likable lead and the sale of prescription drugs. “I would classify Charlie Bartlett as a smart teen film. It’s more ambitious and overall more successful than its ’80s forebears even though the resemblance is unmistakable,” Reelviews said.

There was a prescreening of this baby by A&O on Feb. 11. It’s supposed to be alright.

Witless Protection

It’s going to be bad, really bad, but you knew that already. Larry the Cable Guy stars as a small town sheriff who gets involved in an FBI case. Obviously, he’s completely unequipped. Something along the lines of hilarity (more like nauseating slap-stick?) ensues. Jenny McCarthy is in it too.

Witless Protection is going to be a really bad movie … too bad it’s going to make tons of money at the box office, just like all the other Larry the Cable Guy movies.

Ryan Reynolds stars as the father of a 10 year-old, played by Abigail Breslin (Little Miss Sunshine, No Reservations), in the midst of a divorce. His daughter wants to know all about her parent’s marriage, how they fell in love and what life was like when he was still single.

Turns out, there were three women Reynolds had loved. He changes the names of the women so his daughter doesn’t know which one became her mother, and neither do you. As the story unravels, the chance for another try at love sparks (of course: it’s Valentine’s Day.)

Written and directed by the guy behind Wimbledon, the movie has gotten overall good reviews. “A surprisingly clever romantic comedy,” said the Associated Press.

So if dinner and a movie is what the menu of love requires, consider this your best bet.

Spiderwick Chronicles

From Nickelodeon comes the film adaptation of The Spiderwick Chronicles. Jared Grace and his family move from New York to a house in the middle of the woods, once owned by their great, great Uncle Spiderwick.

Weird stuff happens, like disappearances and accidents, and it’s up to Jared to figure out what’s going on. There are magical creatures and they look pretty cool.

Directed by Mark Waters (Mean Girls, Freaky Friday), it’s pretty, shiny, happy stuff for recapturing the kid in us.

Step Up 2: The Streets

Anyone who’s seen Step Up should be throwing up red flags, asking how the hell a sequel could get made. Once again, a fish out of water has to “risk everything”, because all she wants to do is hip-hop dance.

Throw in a hot guy and some snotty girls, and you have the plot. It’s choreographed by Jamal Sims, the guy behind the first Step Up, along with Dave Scott (Stomp the Yard) and Hi-Hat. At least there will be some sweet moves.

Jumper

While most of these are speculative, I can say for a fact that this is a bad movie. Hayden Christensen stars as David Rice, who realizes when he’s 15 that he can teleport. Plot holes and unlikable characters abound. Can’t wait for Jumper 2!

Luckily, it looks nice, including an impressive fight scene in the Coliseum. Doug Liman (Mr. and Mrs. Smith, The Bourne Identity) knows how to keep energy high, but it’s a bang-pow-punch of bad dialogue and even worse acting.

If you’re looking for quality cinema and don’t mind subtitles, Persepolis and The Diving Bell and The Butterfly are gorgeous French flicks showing in Evanston. And there are those Oscar nominees for your English-speaking viewing pleasure.

Vince Vaughn’s Wild West Comedy Show

It’s comedy hour (or hour and 40 minutes) with Vince Vaughn and friends. Watch them drive! Watch them talk about their lives! Watch them tell jokes!

Sometimes funny, sometimes less so, it’s like watching Comedy Central late at night with the stand-up. According to the Hollywood Reporter, “Stand-up tour doc offers laughs and amusing surprises, but doesn’t justify a runtime as long as its title.”

Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins

It’s a slap-stick, culture clash movie. We’ve seen it before, probably done better, but it could also get worse.

Starring Martin Lawrence as “Op-bro” (a self-help, talk show host) and Joy Bryant as his TV-star fiancé, they head back to his neck of the woods. It’s not classy, it’s not smart, it’s not fresh. But at times it can be funny. “An in-your-face double helping of fat jokes, crude slapstick, wacky Southern-black stereotypes and occasionally inspired improv,” says Justin Change for Variety.

Fool’s Gold

An attempt to make box office gold with the duo of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and it looks terrible. “Like watching blond eight-year-olds play a game of Clue, Fool’s Gold will have you seriously wondering if it was a film made for adults,” says Time Out New York.

Synopsis: Kate Hudson, is a type A intellectual, and Matthew McConaughey, as a dumb beach-bum treasure seeker, play a divorced couple who go on an adventure to find buried treasure together. Action and romance ensue. So does nonsensicalness. You will not see it.

Though, some things won’t ever be good: the Super Bowl game, soggy nachos and Eva Longoria Parker’s acting.

The Eye

There’s plenty of eye candy in The Eye (with both Jessica Alba and the directing team behind the French thriller, Them) but substance will be hard to come by. It’s like that guy/girl you hooked up with at the frat. (At least, you hope so, you were pretty drunk.)

The Premise: Jessica Alba plays a blind violin virtuoso (insert obligatory Stevie Wonder joke) who receives a corneal transplant. She starts seeing – seeing dead people, that is. Lots of screaming and running ensues. This is a horror/psychological thriller, what do you expect?

Starring Jessica Alba and produced by Tom Cruise, this movie has the big names to carry this remake of a Hong Kong psychological thriller of the same name. If you’re expecting The Ring, you’re going to be disappointed, but directors David Moreau and Xavier Palud have the talent to keep this from the Razzies.

Over Her Dead Body

Just like the title, Over Her Dead Body is tired and unoriginal, and you could do worse.

Eva Longoria (now Eva Longoria Parker) is engaged to Paul Rudd. She dies on their wedding day and he consults a psychic to help him move on. Rudd and psychic start hooking up and Eva Longoria is not happy. Cue the cat-fighting and you’ve got Over Her Dead Body in 30 seconds.

“While not horrifically bad, it’s as mediocre a motion picture as you’re likely to find in a multiplex this season,” said Reelviews.

It’s the 27 Dresses dilemma. There’s nothing wrong with a cliché, mediocre romantic-comedy, per se. You just might want to avoid mentioning how you saw it to your RTVF friends.

Strange Wilderness

“I’m seeing things I’m not supposed to,” Jessica Alba said in The Eye trailer; she must have been seeing this movie.

Directed and written by Fred Wolf, the man who wrote Without a Paddle and Joe Dirt, this is going to be yet another terrible movie to his credit. Beginning with the plot, everything about this movie can only be described as “ridiculous”: Steve Zahn’s character is trying to save his failing wilderness show by discovering a new species. Doesn’t he know that’s why there’re so many cute animals in those shows? Throw in a penguin and I’m sold.

Summary: Bad actors + Bad writer + Bad director = A rare species that is both deadly and awe-inspiring in its ugliness. Save yourselves.

With the weather so chilly and the releases so mediocre, why not just stay home? HBO’s Curb Your Enthusiasm Season Six just came out for those looking for the laughs, albeit a little weird and awkward at times. El Cid starring Sophia Loren and Charleton Heston, that guy that wants you to buy a gun, has been rereleased. For the indie-set is Rocket Science, the coming-of-age story of a boy with a lisp and a big crush on an older woman. And in the realm of terrible cinema is Invasion starring Nicole Kidman and the not-so-cool James Bond, Daniel Craig.

Rambo

Wait, Sylvester Stallone is still alive? Apparently so, and he’s bringing back emotionless acting and improbable, senseless violence once again!

This time around he’s fighting a civil war in Burma, saving defenseless maidens from a really awkward rape scene and making Keanu Reeves in The Matrix look filled with depth.

He’s the one, he’s the only. He’s Rambo.

How She Move

Plot: A once-rich girl falls on hard luck and has to go back to the public school she came from. With dreams of med-school sparkling in her eyes but without the money to afford it, she joins a dance troupe trying to win some money and cred. There’s some falling in love and cool dancing.

It’s Save the Last Dance without the racial tension and with a grammatically incorrect title, but apparently it’s not bad. “Moody, intelligent take on conventional material,” said Justin Chang of Variety.

Untraceable

Cybercrime is the new historical murder.

No more Black Dahlias and Jack the Rippers, it’s time for a new breed of killer. Smarter, faster, more mysterious and he’s even inviting you to join in the fun. Premise: A serial killer has a web site where you can watch him kill people. The more people who visit the site, the faster the victim dies. The catch? He’s untraceable! (Get it?)

The reviews have been mixed. Joe Leydon of Variety called it “a satisfying slice of solidly crafted meat-and-potatoes filmmaking” while Slant Magazine is less nice, saying that “It’s easy to pin down the influences of Gregory Hoblit’s serial killer snoozer.”

4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days

Discoveries are awesome. Two made today? They make movies in Romania and they are supposed to be good, really good.

4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days won the top prize at Cannes this year and made a ton of top ten lists. This story about two friends in Communist Romania trying to procure a hasty and illegal abortion in college is political, realistic and depressing. Not for the faint of heart or those looking for a pick me up. This is the stuff the critics talk about when they say “serious filmmaking.”

It’s not for everyone, but if you don’t mind pulling out The Thinker pose for an afternoon, it should certainly be worth it. “Harrowing realism; the camerawork is skillful, with many scenes unfolding in one, locked frame; and the performances are superb,” says Time Out.

Oh, did I mention? It’s sort of slow and in Romanian.

If a pick me up is what you’re going for, The Girls Next Door DVDs just came out. Follow Hugh Hefner’s girls around as they play (mostly naked), talk (mostly naked) and go to bed (I don’t even want to know how naked they are then).

Looking for more serious filmmaking? There’s the French bio-pic, Moliere; Confessions of a Superhero, a documentary about the lives of those men and women prowling the streets of Hollywood wanting to take a picture with you!; and how could I forget The Game Plan with The Rock? Cinema at its finest, no doubt.

January is the dumping ground of movies. Any movie that hoped and prayed for Academy praise was probably released at the end of December.

If you want trashy, you’re in luck this week. But then again, blowing off the head of the Statue of Liberty can only get you so far. If you’re looking for a quality cinematic experience, a lot of excellent movies from December are still showing. Juno and There Will Be Blood are definitely both sticking around at the Century 12.

Cloverfield

This super-hyped, super-mysterious monster movie has some impressive credits, but the trailer makes it look like The Blair Witch Project meets Godzilla.

The premise: Five friends are having an awesome time at a party until a monster the size of a skyscraper blows stuff up. They run and scream a lot while all the action is captured by shaky camera work, supposedly taken by the home camera of one of the characters. Sounds a lot like another movie with unknown actors.

The trailer induces seizures but could definitely look worse. With snazzy credits like director Matt Reeves, responsible for the ’90s gem Felicity, and producer J.J. Abrams of Alias, Lost and Mission Impossible: III fame. “This monster mash-up is a lot of fun, creating some intense gross-out moments and maintaining suspense throughout its speedy running time,” said Christy Lemire of the Associate Press.

Mad Money

With a predictable premise, Mad Money is intended for hours of womanly bonding. Too bad you’ll probably want to bond with the exit sign.

Directed by Callie Khouri, the woman behind Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, Mad Money stars Diane Keaton, Queen Latifah and Katie Holmes as three women down on their luck who decide to steal a buck from The Federal Reserve. How will three women from completely different socio-economic backgrounds and with completely different personalities face sudden riches? A conundrum indeed!

Katie Holmes’s few scenes from the trailer alone make me never want to see this. I’m all for strong, independent women, but if this is the sort of stuff she’s doing when out of the house, she should go back in and make Tom Cruise a sandwich, or another baby, or Scientology pins. Talent like Diane Keaton’s and Queen Latifah’s is wasted on movies like this. With a rating of only 22 percent on Rotten Tomatoes, it’s “[An] improbable and generally unfunny comedy,” according to the Hollywood Reporter.

27 Dresses

Not even the likable Katherine Heigl can save this cookie cutter rom-com. Then again, if watching one is like watching all the others, it might not be that bad if you’re in the mood for a brainless romp.

Entertainment Weekly called it “white lace porn for girls.” The always-a-bridesmaid, never-a-bride adage gets taken to the extreme in 27 Dresses. Written by Aline Brosh McKenna, the woman behind The Devil Wears Prada, it’s predictable, fluffy and light. Though it won’t win any Academy Awards, it probably won’t garner any Razzies either.

Plus, Heigl has to celebrate marriage and women somehow. She thought Knocked Up was misogynistic. She also just got married to singer Josh Kelley and sold the pictures to People Magazine for a pretty penny. Congratulations!

Teeth

A girl has teeth in her vagina.

It actually got pretty good reviews, according to Rotten Tomatoes, but I still can’t get my head around that one.

Cassandra’s Dream

Woody Allen does drama again and, like everything else he’s done lately, it’s supposed to be mediocre.

Ewan McGregor and Colin Farrell play brothers trapped in Tom Wilkinson’s plot of murder. There’s some sex, drugs and money involved too. With great actors, cinematography by Vilmos Zsigmond and Woody Allen at the helm, I hoped it would get better reviews. “To think that his weak attempt at a morality play represents some return to form, however, is a pipe dream,” said Time Out New York.

Which raises the question: Will Woody Allen ever be great again? That bald spot says he might not be making films much longer. My advice? Go back to making comedies. “Ha ha, that was a terrible comedy” has a much better ring to it than “Ha ha, that was a terrible movie about gambling addiction and jealousy.”

Want to skip the theater? Last Tuesday saw the release of that Jessica Alba and Dane Cook winner (read: not) Good Luck Chuck. What, you want to watch something that isn’t terrible? Season 1 of HBO’s Extras is out too. It won the Golden Globe (that wasn’t actually handed out) for best TV comedy (or musical. What? Not High School Musical 2?) and has awesome guest stars out the wazoo.

That Jessica Simpson movie so terrible even Luke Wilson couldn’t save if from going straight to video? The DVD of Blonde Ambition is being released on the 22nd. Heart be still.