That said, I’m going to miss the ol’ dipstick. No commander-in-chief generated as many disparate portrayals of himself from the media as Bush did. Unlike his two predecessors, Bill Clinton (BIG MAC BLOWJOB HEYUCK) and Papa Bush (READ MY LIPS *vomits into Japan’s lap*), the various parodies of Geroge W. touched on the many dimensions of the 43rd prez. For such a bad leader, Bush sure prompted some interesting representations, and, as election ’08 kicks into high-drive and Dubya fades from the mainstream, here are the ten most fascinating portrayals of our latest, lamest president.

10. George W. Bush as a a multi-dimensional human being

Before we jump into the good representations, let me touch on the one caricature of George W. Bush that lacks any creativity. Making Bush a babbling idiot who says “I wanna watch a movie” while trying to stick a DVD into a can of ravioli or other similar acts of idiocy isn’t creative, it’s boring and uncreative. This may shock the world, but you can’t be an ignoramus and make it to the White House, it just isn’t possible — even if the current dude has the mental capacity of Vanilla Wafers. So, while Family Guy reheats joke after joke showing the president to be special-needs, the best Bushes avoid the overplayed and lazy dumb angle in favor of something with a little more dimension, something showing why he is the way he is (bad).

The depth of Bush’s character shines brightest in Saturday Night Live’s impression of him. Or, attempted impressions. Because the fine folks at the once-funny sketch comedy show could never nail down Bush, and rotated through actors quicker than a girl through winter sweaters. America’s favorite clown, Will Ferrell, took the reigns in 1999, and portrayed the President until 2003, all the time using the “lol I’m dumb and kid-like” approach. After he left the show, SNL tried to replace him, but, to this day, can’t find anyone capable of acting like a big doofus to fill his Ricky Bobby-sized shoes. Thus far, the program peddled out Chris Parnell, Darrell Hammond, Will Forte and Jason Sudeikis (who, Wikipedia keenly points out, was chosen for unexplained reasons). Saturday Night Live’s complete inability to capture the essence of Bush reveals he isn’t as easy to figure out as his critics think, and is actually a complicated man to figure out. Guys, just stick to “Dick in a Box.” The people love that.

9. George W. Bush as destroyer of worlds

Whether they think he’s a sly genius or a third-grade dropout, most people agree George W. Bush out-evils even Scar. And, from his G.I. Joe get-up on that battleship to the Hurricane Katrina deal, Mr. Bush does have an air of nefariousness around him. Nine Inch Nailer (needs some clippers, am I right?) Trent Reznor set his audio sights on Bush’s Beelzebubness via Year Zero, a concept album about the end of the world and Morality Police, or something pretentious like that. The guy who once wanted to have intercourse with you like a beast painted a bleak future where a Department of Morality monitors our every move in a post-apocalyptic world. Obviously, our commander-in-chief hasn’t led us into this 1984 meets Mad Max world, but Reznor’s artistic statement makes a strong statement about the administration, and hints at Bush’s more diabolical inner workings, a man less innocent and more maniacal then we think. I mean, c’mon, he’s from Yale, he’s gotta be a little evil.

8. George W. Bush as a goofball

While Trent Reznor and Billie Joe Armstrong scream about how they don’t want to be part of a redneck agenda (real subtle, man), this clip from Dutch public television show Kopspijkers (pronounced “what the hell”) shows a more awkward Executive. The Bush look-a-like, who sounds more like Dr. Evil, belts out a rendition of “You Were Always on My Mind” directed toward Europe, and is eventuallyed joined by the Secret Service. This YouTube blip reveals a more socially inept Bush, one that has surprising real-world ties. If the uber-liberal kids in your dorm who voted for Ralph Nader ever taped up that picture of Bush trying to open a door with a look plastered on his face like he just smelled Don Zimmer’s jockstrap on their doors, you know what I’m talking about. From almost choking on a pretzel to everything he says, Bush is more awkward than the freshman wearing the Nerdwestern shirt who creepily walks into your room, not saying a word until you acknowledge his existence. I feel this YouTube comment sums it up: “Dit is eicht grapping xD”

7.George W. Bush as a conspiracy topic

Since my typical Friday night is as raucous as the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, I spend a lot of time on Internet forums. And, for the past eight years, there is always at least one thread where some crazy conspiracy/connection involving Bush is made. Did anyone during the Clinton administration accuse him of being a Nazi? Or a space lizard? Or a Nazi space lizard? Internet nutcases hurl these and other allegations at Dubya on a daily basis. Even worse than the insane asylum-escapees are the movie buffs, who can draw a parallel between, say, You Got Served and Bush’s Social Security plan. According to the Web, every Spider-man flick is nothing more than a thinly veiled portrait of Bush’s America, while Happy Feet rallies against his stance on eco-issues. My favorite, though was the time I read some crackpot saying Cars (yes, Pixar’s family-friendly anthropomorphic automobile feature), was really a commentary on the current state of the U.S. Like the Virgin Mary, people spotted the mysterious Bush in tons of random things, including a film where a talking car flirts with another talking car.

6. George W. Bush as a fashion statement

Only a few people can transform their name into a brand. Oprah. Sean John. Elmo. Add W. to the list, as he has a line of goods featuring that lone letter wedged between “v” and “x.” This single-consonant image shows Bush is marketable enough to be reduced to a solitary letter, and remains one of the few super-positive takes on the man, even if the merchandise were probably being bought up despicable people. A statement’s a statement, even if Ann Coulter’s the one showing it off.

5. Dick Cheney as George W. Bush

Going back to the conspiracy theorists, many do-it-yourself political pundits wisely (read:
stupidly) made the case that vice president Dick “Get Off My Lawn!” Cheney really ran the D.C. circus, not Bushie. Some truth exists in the claim: Cheney seems the more-political type, being the colder, more mechanical player to Bush’s Ernest-esque “man out of place” position. I reason people loved this theory because Cheney seems like a guy who would mess up the nation for questionable reasons, while Bush just acts too simple to be so dark.

The Day After Tomorrow, a summer blockbuster where Russian wolves and bad science threaten to destroy the world, offers the best example of this VP hypothesis. A President who looks eerily similar to our current Commander-in-Chief faces the dilemma of how to deal with the Global Warming crisis, while his bald, snarly lookin Vice President discounts said theories. In the most telling scene, the W. doppleganger turns to Cheney-lite and asks “What do we do?” The president forgets to wear a sweater and freezes to death, so Cheney-dude takes control, and learns a valuable lesson about the environment. This is one of the few representations of Bush as a complete nothing, so out of the loop he’s nothing more than a figurehead, so a bald guy with a monstrous voice can run the country. This image works as both a criticism and a cop-out, arguing Bush isn’t capable at all, but not to blame for the past eight years of our lives.

4. George W. Bush as athlete

Nobody wants their leader to be a wimpy-wristed daffodil-picker who sits around all day TiVoing episodes of America’s Next Top Model while folding towels. Thankfully, we have George W. Bush as leader of the free world and, as he has displayed various times, he is a real man, because he can throw a baseball to a catcher. Because no world leader should be able to fight terrorism without a wicked four-seam fastball.

3. George W. Bush as out of place

If you tuned into Comedy Central anytime in the past year, you probably stumbled across Lil’ Bush, the station’s attempt to lampoon President Bush by making him an egg-shaped child who pretended to be KISS. Shockingly, the ho-hum channel once aired a Bush-centered show not overwrought with crappiness — That’s My Bush! Created by the same dudes who made the other good Comedy Central show not featuring Dave Chapelle (South Park), this program focused on President Bush and his wacky misadventures in the White House. Almost as simple a concept as The Singing Bee, but a zillion times smarter.

What made That’s My Bush! work was how the satirical target of the show wasn’t Bush or his administration, but rather the common sitcom. The show pushed political commentary to the side, zeroing in on cliché comedy via inane plot lines (how is Dubya going to be in two places at once?) and stupid characters (the wacky neighbor stands out). By directing the lampoonage away from the Republican leader, the viewer can look at the country’s head-honcho in a light devoid of “I use The Google” jokes and biting commentary on Medicare. That’s My Bush! puts George in the familiar spotlight shared by grumpy racist Archie Bunker and rich-guy-from-the-ghetto George Jefferson – out-of-place person. Adhering to sitcom stereotypes, Bush clearly has no place in the Oval Office — he should be running an auto shop somewhere, maybe. But he’s stuck where he is, so he has to deal with abortion activists and aliens. Art imitates life, and it’s clear Dubya really is out of place in Washington. His administration jumped the shark after Donald Rumsfeld left and was replaced by a blonde five-year-old.

2. George W. Bush as a a jerk

Think back to the 2004 election. John Kerry came off as the upper-class candidate, the Ivy League intellectual. George W. Bush looked like the stereotypical under-achieving Yale frat-dude, the guy who got in because his daddy went there. Of course, America chose the guy they could relate best to: the prick. I could go on about his drunken incidents and involvement in the shady/sinister/real? Skull and Bones club.

But I’d rather focus on this this incident: So a 13-year-old asks our commander-in-chief a question. What does he, the most important person in the world, do? Act like a high-and-mighty dick who is clearly more clever and witty than a girl who just started wearing a training bra. His rude response isn’t a big deal, but his Valley Girl-like retort reveals Bush is sorta kinda an asshole. This new layer in his character makes some of his decisions these past eight years more understandable (though it still doesn’t explain his bizarre appearance on American Idol, the lamest presidential TV moments since Nixon during the 1960’s debate).

Most importantly, George Bush doesn’t care about tweens.

1. George W. Bush as me and you

One line. And from a Michael Bay movie of all places — what’s up with that? In Mr. Boom-Boom-Bang-No-Plot’s latest release, Transformers, we find an evil Decepticon (cleverly disguised as a boombox) hiding aboard Air Force One, trying to hack into some top secret computer. It’s Michael Bay, what do you expect? Anyway, for about five seconds, the film focuses on the president himself, here represented by a close-up of shoes and a thick Texas accent, kicking back on Bed Force One. He utters one line, but I feel it sums up everything about the Bush presidency perfectly.

“Yeah, could you wrangle me up some Ding-Dongs, darlin’?”

You’re probably wondering (or shouting at the computer), “What do Hostess snack cakes have to do with the White House?” Calm down for a second and imagine — what if you, Joe Average or Jane Plain, were the leader of the free world? Most average folk would soak in the fact they run the most wealthy and influential nation in the world and take advantage of it. Sure, they might not know how to deal with national disaster, the Kyoto Treaty or the Northwestern lacrosse team, but that wouldn’t deter them from relaxing, safe in the knowledge they can blow up Slovakia with the press of a button, and bite into a tasty Sno-Ball.

People voted for President Bush not based on his spectacular political knowledge or cunningness (oh lord no), people got behind him because he’s just like them. In most places, he could double for the loveable-but-slow neighbor, an average guy trying his best to get by. Bay’s brief portrayal of him captures this perfectly — a representation meant to make him look dumb would have shown Dubya running around frantically screaming “HOW ARE WE FLYIN THIS IS VOODOO HURR” while pouring syrup into a plant or something. Nope, this Bush character simply spreads out on a bed and requests a crème-filled snack cake.

And this is exactly why President Bush is the worst executive of all-time. Would you feel comfortable in your country if it was being led by your bowling buddy Ted, the guy who can open a beer bottle with his teeth? No, you wouldn’t. Hell, if I became leader, I’d immediately move to another country. The person running a country (especially the United States) shouldn’t be some random schmuch I could find in Home Depot, but someone qualified, maybe overqualified. I want my leaders to be smarter than me, not on my level. Bush seems like a guy I’d run into at a bar any given Friday night — I want a politician, not a drinking buddy, determining who we go to war with. Mr. Bush found himself hoisted into a position he wasn’t meant to do. He’s out of place, and our great country suffered because of it.

This is the first and last time I’m going to use a Michael Bay film as an example of political commentary. If I ever do it again, strap me down and turn on Armageddon. That should fix me.

• Group of misfits face persecution from uptight administration / snooty frats / moral jerkbags.
• Misfits must pull off wacky action to save selves from some negative consequence.
• Party / sex / gratuitous nudity / an animal / all of the above.
• Misfits prevail, revel in glory, shame opponents, get laid.

Reaping interesting lessons from college-themed flicks presents a Trump Tower-sized challenge. Plus, college movies have shaped student culture so much that living in a dorm nowadays resembles life in a mental institution, except with more random shouting and booze. Even though the genre resembles a cinematic black hole darker than even the lightless-realm of rom coms, a few very valuable observations can be garnered. Important note: none of these moments involve panty raids or Will Ferrell.

10. Bedtime for Bonzo

I could go on for pages about how the mere existence of this film should have kept The Gipper out of the Oval Office, arguing Jason Alexander should be commander-in-chief for his superb work in the classic orangutan picture Dunston Checks In. But, this list focuses on college, so I will push my political ranting to the side. Bedtime for Bonzo focuses on a college professor (played by future President Ronald Reagan) trying to convince the dean to let him marry his daughter by … wait for it … teaching a chimpanzee how to act human. Yep, that’s the film.

Anyway, the real issue here is what Professor Teflon studies at the university. He focuses research (which probably eats up university money better spent on building better dorms or buying dining hall food not classified as “harmful if ingested”) on trying to make a primate act like people. So he can tap the dean’s daughter. As ludicrous as it all is, I can’t help but believe professors at colleges all across America devote research (and cash) to completely pointless and fruitless goals. I mean, not to belittle academic research, but I haven’t seen any major breakthroughs in, anything, for a while now. Ronald Reagan and his trivial pursuit of trying to teach a monkey man-like behavior illuminates a big truth about the world of higher academics:

Lesson learned: Professors waste a lot of money on stupid stuff.

9. How High

Ever feel like an utter failure, going nowhere, accomplishing nothing, just sitting around the house playing Xbox 360 all day waiting for K-Mart to call back about that job opening? Well, don’t fret, there’s a way to make everything better! Instead of learning valuable skills that advance you through the ladder of life, just find some magic weed and smoke it. That’s the Nobel Prize-worthy idea behind How High, a film finding beloved rappers Method Man and Redman creating a blunt out of a friend’s ashes, a spliff so powerful it grants the duo Einstein-level intellect when smoked, granting them entry into Harvard.

How High explores life for the most marginalized individuals gracing campuses today – potheads. Long stereotyped as filthy hippies stankin up hallways and displaying brainpower on the same level as buttered toast, marijuana users (or “people who listen to The Grateful Dead” as they are sometimes known) face constant persecution at the hand of “the man” (aka CAs hoping the dorm doesn’t burn down). Thankfully, How High shows Mary Jane doesn’t reduce people to mindless blobs engrossed by TV test patterns, but also sub-par rappers who use corpse-chips to toke up to break into the Ivy League. Or as scriptwriters. Now, who wants to take a trip to Grandpa’s urn?

Lesson learned: Potheads come in many shapes and sizes, but they should all be avoided the same.

8. PCU

The cleverly titled PCU focuses on political correctness (Get the title? Get it?) in university world, and how whack it is. To be honest, that part doesn’t matter because it sucks massively, and consists of nothing but gross-out humor and double entendres. (Instead of Skull and Bones, this film offers up Shaft and Balls. Yep, people made money off this film) But one line (uttered by Evanstonian and Entourage dipstick Jeremy Piven) stands out:

“What’s this? You’re wearing the shirt of the band you’re going to see? Don’t be that guy.”

Ignore the music connections. You never, ever want to be that guy. You know who “that guy” is. The person playing a saxophone in the bathroom because it offers them “a place to focus?” That guy. The loudmouth in your political science class who is always raising their hand, talking longer than the president’s State of the Union address? That guy. The dude always eating green Jell-O, and nothing but, at the dining hall? That guy. Don’t be that guy.

Lesson learned: Don’t be that guy. Seriously.

7.Animal House

A little cheap (Animal House appears later on), but it is the definitive college movie For this point, we look at the scene where famed frat freak Bluto goes London Calling on a guitar.

A scrawny pansy sits on the stairs of Bluto’s frat house during a rocking party, armed with an acoustic guitar . Mr. Open Mic Night strums away softly as the two young ladies sit entranced. This scene says so much with so little. College girls flock to boys who play guitars (don’t argue – I’ve seen it), regardless of how lame the songs they recite are. (Fun fact: Maroon 5 especially woos the women-folk.)

So, when Bluto walks over, pries the sensitive boy’s guitar out of his hands and slams the damn instrument into the wall, he’s living out the fantasy every envy-filled college boy who can’t stand acoustic noodling yearns for. Bluto’s blank stare afterwards sums it up – screw your guitar, and screw your lame tunes. Bluto would listen to Pantera.

Lesson learned: Don’t show off your instrumental talents in public. Most of the time, people will envy you and destroy your property.

6. Rudy

A timeless tale nearly everyone knows. Boy dreams of playing football for Notre Dame. Boy faces many hurdles. Boy works to overcome said hurdles. Boy makes it to Notre Dame. Boy makes team. Boy faces more obstacles. Team and student body rally around boy. Boy plays, and makes typical sports movie heroic play, and is carried on shoulders of teammates. Not much more needs to be said about Rudy, but we all should remember the valuable lesson embedded in the film.

Lesson learned: Every college student wants to be the center of attention. Attention whores, all of ya.

5. Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

Before I came to Northwestern, I never wanted to eat anything past 9 p.m. I might make some popcorn for a late movie or indulge in a wholesome glass of milk at midnight. But, upon arriving at college, this mindset got deep fried, as extremely late trips to Burger King and calls to Philly Best became the norm. When Taco Bell extended evening hours this year, I nearly threw a party just to celebrate all the chalupas I could now eat while the moon was out.

It’s not technically a college-based film, but enough happens in Princeton to give me a basis for including it. Harold and Kumar go to White Castle explores just how valuable late-night munchies are for one’s happiness. Sure, the title characters seek out greasy grub because they are baked, but their plight mirrors the average student’s cravings eerily. After all, college is basically one big drug (a drug that costs more than a yacht), a substance that makes kids stay up late and do stupid stuff (“dude, we are in college, we have to throw this sofa off the roof!”), so late-night food should be a must for the university crowd. Harold and Kumar champions after-dark dining, and remind the world how important a 3 a.m. burger can be.

Lesson learned: Late-night junk food equals everlasting joy.

4. Girls Gone Wild

I’ve never seen any installment of this series (yeah … that’s it), but the existence of this product illuminates important lessons. Obviously, the Girls Gone Wild brand exists for one reason (people love their jugs), but the concept, college girls baring it all to have a crazy spring break, plays a huge part as well. Spring break has always been considered a time for college kids to act like idiots in tropical locations. Relaxation takes a backseat to who can score highest on the breathalizer, turning taking it easy into an Olympic sport.

Girls Gone Wild shines a light on one of the most interesting trends displayed by college kids. University life makes young adults act stupider than they actually are, whether they are drinking enough to fill a bathtub or hooking up with whatever “hott” guy walks into the room. In high school, teachers always told me teenagers felt invincible behind the wheel, but I feel college is the ultimate cloak of security, a time where students can do whatever they want and brush off the consequences to the old “you only go to college once” maxim. Girls Gone Wild may be the extreme of college behavior, but really, they aren’t that much different than us.

Lesson learned: College makes kids do crazy, out of character stuff

3. Revenge of the Nerds

I could write my college thesis on how awesome Revenge of the Nerds is, but at risk of boring you to death (you already survived the moral argument portion of the article), I shall keep it short. Revenge of the Nerds reminds the social misfits and geeks populating campus (and, at NU, that’s a ton) not to give up hope in the face of what seems like social dominance by the bullies and brutes, and that it’s the dorks who have the talent and heart to shine in the end. Plus, nerds can play the electric violin. That just plain rocks.

Lesson Learned: We shall overcome.

2. Horse Feathers

Who knew a movie made in the 1930s could hold so much relevance today? The Marx Brother’s 1932 comedy Horse Feathers tackles collegiate athletics, and how shady they are. The fake-moustached Groucho plays the dean of a college, and wants to beef up his school’s football team. So, he aims to hire pro players for his squad, though he has to settle for fellow Marxians Chico (the one who fakes being Italian) and Harpo (the one who doesn’t talk). Wacky antics and much wordplay ensues.

College athletics have always been the land of the sketchy, but they are under even more scrutiny today than when vaudeville was big. The NCAA is wrought with cases of schools committing recruiting fouls to power up a sports squad. Somehow, the Marx Brothers called this trend over 70 years ago. Plus, Horse Feathers shows how hurtful sports programs can be to academics in general. NU doesn’t have to worry about this so much, but other universities watch as bloated basketball and football teams receive money that could improve education. So, a simple comedy from the Depression era offers insight into one of the biggest problems in college today. Maybe the Marx Brothers had the ultimate last laugh.

Lesson learned: Athletics ruin everything.

1. Animal House

Cited as the definitive college film responsible for inspiring every subsequent university-based flick, Animal House also left an enormous dent on college life itself, prompting decades of undergrads to party without abandon and do the “Shout” dance at nearly every affair. But, as freshmen across the country tape their John Belushi downing a bottle of Jack Daniels poster up, nobody seems to realize Animal House is more of a parody of higher education than a celebration of it. Whereas Old School revels in collegiate stereotypes and pure absurdity, Animal House touches on why college isn’t the end-all of life, and how ridiculous it can be.

The film’s final sequence sums up the lampooning. Belushi’s Deltas have just been expelled from school by the dean. Instead of pleading for their academic lives, however, they seek revenge against the dean and the snooty Omega fraternity that aided in their demise. During the school’s homecoming parade, the Delta’s wreak havoc, unleashing hell on the uptight school officials and destroying parade floats in the process. The exiled frat boys throw caution to the wind, and get revenge against a bunch of pricks before heading off into the sunset.

Animal House’s climax sums up the film’s sense of fun over seriousness, and college kids have long interpreted this to mean “we should go crazy in college, because that makes it more fun!” Remember, though, the Deltas were kicked out of college when they orchestrated their grand plan, and could care less whether they ever get back in. That’s because the whole point of the movie is to show how stifling college can be. Bluto and crew can’t truly be who they are (drunken slobs) at the university; they have to break free and ruin a parade to find peace. People say college is the best four years of your life, but Animal House urges viewers not to confine happiness into a stretch of 1460 days.

Lesson learned: Life goes on after college.

But it would be a lapse in judgment to say 2007 didn’t also feature some of the dumbest flicks in recent movie history. As great as it was to see the industry rebound after the doom-and-gloom of prior years, I’d be OK with Hollywood taking it a little harder if it stopped them from pumping out dreck like Bratz and Balls of Fury. The sequel to National Treasure hasn’t even hit screens yet! The past year behaved well for the biz, but it featured plenty of terrible, mind-numbing moments of cinematic stupidity too. Here are the ten dumbest.

10. Even Don Cheadle can’t suspend my disbelief anymore
The Film: Ocean’s 13
The Moment: The gang acquires a super powerful drill to create an earthquake.
Why it was stupid: The Ocean’s movies revolve on “oh no they didn’t!” moments, but this scene seems farfetched for a series featuring the robbing of an entire casino in five minutes. George Clooney, Brad Pitt and the rest of the pretty-boys once again need to steal something from a casino, but this time, simply sneaking in won’t do. They opt for a stealthier method; buying a drill, hiding it underneath the casino and creating an earthquake on the opening night. At this point, the Ocean’s series only exists as a way for Mr. Clooney to show how cool he is and remind America who Bernie Mac is, but sneaking a multi-ton drill underneath a multi-million dollar casino transcends clever one-upsmanship, descending into pure stupidity. You can’t stick Brad Pitt into The Core and expect it to become brain food.

9. It’s alive, and it’s bad marketing!
The Film: Transformers (sort of)
The Moment: The Cloverfield teaser trailer
Why it was stupid: Now, I’m no integrated marketing major or anything, but I’m pretty sure when trying to promote something you should give the audience some sort of clue about what you are promoting. Producer J.J. Abrams’ giant-monster-meets-Blair Witch production Cloverfield forgot this valuable lesson, failing to capitalize on audience interest by neglecting to advertise the film after the trailer. Check the clip below, played before Transformers.

The mysterious preview generated tons of buzz, especially on the internet, where geeks hypothesized what exactly this movie was going to be about, some arguing a Lost spin-off, others championing a freakin’ Evangelion-like movie. Who the hell would make an Evangelion-like movie?

Abrams and company forgot to do anything with this momentum, failing to offer anymore hints or compelling online material (save character MySpace pages), resulting in a drop-off in interest akin to a roller coaster car falling off the Grand Canyon. One has to be a monumental nimrod not to be able to capitalize on buzz like Cloverfield’s (the name came later), but J.J. Abrams offered up a Lost-like twist that he didn’t know how to market. The movie’s picked up some steam thanks to another, equally cool trailer before Beowulf, but it shouldn’t have needed a shot in the arm in the first place.

8. Wake me up when this cameo ends
The Film: The Simpson’s Movie
The Moment: Green Day plays the show’s opening theme
Why it was stupid: Lets get the mandatory bashing out of the way: The Simpsons stinks now. One of the major reasons the show sucks so, so hard, besides bad jokes and writing resembling that of a million special-needs chimpanzees typing simultaneously, is an over-reliance on guest spots. The Simpsons used to actually integrate guest stars into the story super well, but nowadays, the show simply hurls them in and goes “Hey, it’s J.K. Rowling! Neat, right?” The otherwise solid Simpsons movie featured plenty of potentially disastrous moments (Spiderpig??) that turned out awesome (Spiderpig!), but the film opens unpromisingly, featuring the classic opening theme performed by those loveable American Idiots© Green Day. Everything about the punk band’s appearance seems unnecessary, nothing more than an over-the-top touch to remind viewers they are no longer watching The Simpsons on TV, but at a theater. The single consolation – Green Day dies shortly into the movie, and the film gets good.

7. I think I hate this ending
The Film: I Think I Love My Wife
The Moment: The end of the film
Why it was stupid: If I faced a crumbling marriage, I’m pretty sure I’d look for a good counselor or try sitting down with my hypothetical wife to talk about our issues. Chris Rock believes the best way to fix shaky matrimony involves a spontaneous song number. In his second directorial effort, Rock decided to resolve his tale of infidelity and love with a musical number. No, really. Chris Rock’s character and his cinema wife just break into song about the rough spots in their relationship, and then kiss and make up after the final high note. More surrealist than David Lynch, Rock has a long way to go on his road to becoming a successful director, such as learning how to end a conflict without the use of sing-alongs.

6. Not good for arteries or eyes
The Film: Wild Hogs
The Moment: Tim Allen eats a stick of butter
Why it was stupid: Nothing more desperate than a has-been comedian trying to get a crowd laughing at him by consuming an entire block of butter. Do I really need to explain why this is horrible?

5. Worst product placement ever
The Film: Transformers
The Moment: The debut of the Mountain Dew Transformer. Special ability: quenching thirsts to the extreme.
Why it was stupid: Product placement is one of those aspects of modern movies I just accept, like really fast cuts or Dane Cook in the leading role. But Michael Bay’s boom-tastic blockbuster Transformers features one of the most mind-boggling in-film advertisements since Mac and Me. A little set-up: the Autobots and Decepticons battle over a magical cube capable of giving life to, well, anything. So, during a heated battle late in the flick, the cube animates a Mountain Dew vending machine, turning the once peaceful beverage dispenser into a walking metallic nightmare capable of firing cans of nasty tasting soda at people.

Putting a Burger King in the background of a shot to make a little more money isn’t offensive, but devoting five stupefying seconds to a character created for the sole purpose of shilling Mountain Dew gets blood boiling faster than a Hairspray convention. This scene exists for no reason whatsoever but a cheap laugh and subliminal advertising, and that’s just not cool. I’d rather see Megatron stop mid-battle to drink a big bottle of Vitamin Water than this pointless interlude.

4. Even Shortround would blush
The Film: Norbit/I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry
The Moment: Actors in yellowface, oh boy.
Why it was stupid: In a society where Nas naming his new album after a racially derogatory word turns so many heads, its surprising two movies this year featured full-on yellowface performances. I’m not part of the politically correct crowd, but even I twinged in the cinema seeing Hollywood actors change their skin tone and slurring their “l’s” and “r’s.” These characters, featured in Razzie-bait Norbit and I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, offered outdated caricatures of Asians OK for the 1930’s, but downright embarrassing in today’s world.

These offensive acting jobs came courtesy of Eddie Murphy and Rob Schneider, two actors willing to do anything for a couple bucks. Murphy played Mr. Wong, an orphanage/Chinese food restaurant owner fond of whaling and speaking like Fu-Manchu. Schneider, meanwhile, portrayed an unnamed Japanese wedding minister (though he didn’t take credit for it, his smartest move ever) who pronounces “ring” as “ling,” one of the recurring comedic motifs of the film. Neither actor offers any interesting insight into race or being Asian, settling rather to put on an outlandish costume and just utilize outdated stereotypes associated with Asians. Still, donning yellowface and making fun of an entire race wasn’t the worst career move for either actor, not with Daddy Day Care and The Hot Chick on their resumes.

3. Haroo Haroo this sucks
The Film: 300
The Moment: Shirtless beefcake King Leonidas yells out “THIS IS SPARTA!!!”
Why it was stupid : I’m ashamed of a lot in my life, 2007 in particular, but no blunder haunts me more than my glowing review of 300, the constant reminder that I am often an idiot. I mentioned how stupid the plot and writing came off, but I failed to focus on just how idiotic the story was. Yeah, 300 looks pretty, but the film features wizards, ninjas, hunchbacks, elephants, goat people, giant wolves, lesbian orgies and a rhino. The whole movie overflows with moronic over-testosteroned trash, making it the stupidest movie of 2007, a year, may I remind you, responsible for Delta Farce.

Choosing one brain-cell eradicating moment from 300 seems damn near impossible. So let’s stick with the scene where King Leonidas bellows out the most quoted line of 2007 before kicking a dude into a well. The Spartan King’s leg thrust kicks open the doors to the rest of the film’s crap, making this scene the gateway to the ridiculous dumbness 300 offers so prodigiously. The shot may not feature any random beasts of burden, but without it, we would never get to see a man decapitated in slo-mo.

2. Childhood=ruined
The Film : Transformers
The Moment : Hey, Optimus Prime, how did you find a rare artifact light-years away from Earth? “eBay.”
Why it was stupid : People who complain about their childhoods being exploited for the silver screen should shut up. When I was five, I’d have killed to see all my heroes, from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to Transformers to freakin’ Bucky O’Hare in a movie. When folks moan about Hollywood tarnishing childhood favorites like G.I. Joe, they should keep in mind the sole purpose of these shows was to sell toys loaded with plastic swords and flashing lights. And what could be cooler than watching your favorite action figures come to life on a movie screen, the grand battles imagined in a bedroom playing out on the big screen. I’m still waiting for a great Ninja Turtle movie.

But Transformers took my childhood dreams, tied them to a chair, poured gasoline over them and flicked a match. Specifically, the scene where Optimus Prime tells Shia Labeouf where he found the legendary cube from – his answer an overly dramatic “eBay.” I understand my childhood heroes weren’t meant to be taken seriously, but turning them into CGI dolts making bad advertisement jokes (what can’t you find on eBay?!) demeans them too far. Transformers comes chock-full of terrible moments (see also Optimus Prime stepping on a dog house and saying “my bad”), but none rang stupider than having one of my favorite evil-fighting robots become a talking billboard for an auction web site.

1. Just punch me in the face, Peter Parker
The Film : Spider-Man 3
The Moment : Peter Parker goes all Pete Wentz on us
Why it was stupid : I still don’t believe Spider-Man 3 happened. The costliest movie ever also grossed the most money ever, yet it features a segment in the middle where the filmmakers basically make fun of the audience, almost mocking us for spending money on tickets. A film missing a cue in logic or missing the mark due to writing can be forgiven, but a movie deliberately going to idiotic extremes for no good reason other than to insult the audience’s intelligence transcends forgiveness.

Midway through the latest Spider-Man movie, hero Peter Parker stumbles upon an alien parasite. The intergalactic goo clings to Parker who, as would happen when infected with alien gunk, dyes his hair black and acts like a MySpace whore. No longer a dweeb, the new Peter Parker struts down the street sexily, eye-screwing every attractive lady along the way. Oh, and when I say struts, I also mean dances like an idiot. Literally. Eventually, Parker goes to a nightclub where former girlfriend Mary Jane sings. Parker upstages her by playing the piano and dancing, putting on his own little revue, and eventually slaps Mary Jane.

This segment is obviously stupid on description alone – no sane person imagines Spider-Man taking fashion pointers from the Hot Topic website, walking around like a dick and slapping women. But what makes this the stupidest moment in movies this year is how much Spider-Man 3 betrays the audience. People go to a superhero movie to see action. It worked for the first two Spider-Mans just fine. But here, the people behind the film trek into a whole new world, turning Spider Man into some sort of surreal comedy. Peter Parker posing in front of a window and checking himself out isn’t funny, it’s ridiculous and moronic. People defend this part by arguing Spider-Man always came with an air of lightheartedness, but these people are as dumb as the movie itself. This segment isn’t light comedy, it’s people making fun of the customer by giving them something they didn’t want. Everyone knew the “most expensive movie” hype going in, and to see money spent on … this, well, that isn’t worth $9. That isn’t worth $5 in Universal Studios Fun Bucks.

Most people in the theater while I watched Spider-Man 3 laughed when Mary Jane took one across the face from her ex-lover. And that’s why this scene is 2007’s stupidest – when everything leading up to the payoff is so ridiculous that abuse comes off funny, you know you’ve seen something boneheaded.

Author’s Correction - November 27, 2007: The original article said 2007 was responsible for the film Little Man. The year 2006 is actually responsible for this terrible movie, so the reference to Little Man has been changed to the equally horrid Delta Farce, starring Larry the Cable Guy. I regret the error, and apologize to 2007 for accusing it of birthing a movie about a little person posing as a baby.

Now, before you start cursing me and wondering why you didn’t take American University’s full-ride, keep in mind NU plays Gallant to the rest of the Big Ten’s Goofuses. Northwestern is the only private school in the Big Ten, making it the smallest and most devoid of state funding. And, even though you hyper-sensitive types might argue adamantly, state schools are different from the pricier places, less Waiting for Godot and more Good Luck Chuck. Just because the rest of the conference imitates Cancun (weekly) and actually has good football programs, NU should never brush off the rest of the Big Ten as trash. Each school offers up great ideas our fair campus should adopt, stretching beyond “More keggers, please.”

10. I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream! – Penn State

By the time February rolls around in Evanston, you’ll probably resemble a popsicle and want some spicier treats to warm you up, like molten lava. But scientific studies have shown that a strong ice cream presence in your life improves overall happiness.* Northwestern lacks a potent frozen dessert scene, explaining why so many students rarely leave their dorms and listen to Dave Matthews Band (I hope that’s the reason). Pennsylvania State University knows how to keep its 80,000 plus students happy. They have the Penn State Creamery to satiate students’ tastebuds. Offering enough flavors to put Baskin Robbins to shame, the Creamery creates ice cream, sherbet and cheese for daily consumption by college students and locals. The store stands as one of Penn State’s most popular landmarks, and one of the few things older than Joe Paterno. Northwestern could use fewer bleh fro-yo machines and more authentic ice cream bliss.

*Source of study: My head. Did you expect anything different?

9. Needs more novelty – Purdue University

The World’s Biggest Ball of Twine brings pride to the city of Cawker City, Kansas. The World’s Biggest Thermometer brings joy to Baker, California. Gimmicky objects, usually enormous in size, might seem super stupid, especially to the SAT-worshipping “wonderkids” at NU. But maybe pulling a Britney Spears wouldn’t be so bad for Northwestern. Out in West Lafayette, Purdue University claims not one nutty inanimate object, but three. And the kids just love them. Purdue lays claim to the World’s Biggest Drum (note: it doesn’t seem that big…) along with two badass miniature trains people drive on around the field during football games. Championing an oversized instrument and Thomas the Tank Engine wannabes seems stupid, but don’t tell the student body. They love these toys so much I think they’d take a cannonball to the face if it would save a drumstick. While Purdue rallies around gigantic noisemakers, the NU student body can unite over… Medill 2020’s suckitude? Northwestern needs something, even a 50-foot-tall gold Willie, to rally around and feel united.

8. Hoosier technologic daddy? – Indiana University

For a school so boastful of its greatness, Northwestern sure has a terrible technologic infrastructure. Wireless constantly goes out, NUIT moves at a FEMA-like pace and Webmail sucks. And, no, I am not switching to GMail; leave me alone already. In Indiana (state motto – Where Harry and the Hendersons could have been shot!), the public university’s tech setup eclipses NU’s by light-years. Home of America’s fastest university-owned supercomputer, the Hoosiers also boast connections with software creators in order to offer applications to students and a Blackboard-like site that people actually use. Indiana isn’t stopping there; in a truly new media-minded move, they plan to offer podcasts of certain classes to students. And, unlike NUIT, their technical assistance team will actually not make you want to join a traveling carnival.

7. Polka Party – University of Iowa

Coca-Cola products never fail to deliver. Regular Coke, Diet Coke, Cherry Coke…even the good-for-you (not really) Coke Plus is pretty tasty. But, for all their success, Coca-Cola had New Coke, the terrible 1980’s formula change that most normal people agreed sucked. Iowa would be the New Coke of the Big Ten, a school in the middle of nowhere lacking any defining characteristics. And, honestly, what else are you going to do on a Friday night in Iowa? The Hawkeyes do have one thing going for them that NU doesn’t: Iowa has “Hawkeye Victory Polka,” a polka (!) celebrating the awesomeness of beer and being alive. Sample lyrics: “In Heaven there is no beer/That’s why we drink it here.” Much more interesting than our funeral dirge-paced Alma Mater.

6. Always time for a zamboni – University of Minnesota

The Midwest conjures images of desolate cold and barren fields, a place not many people would want to frequent. Naturally, I also think of an NHL arena. Hockey has become a gag sport in America, but even though the NHL falls somewhere between Major League Lacrosse and the National Paintball League, the icy game still gets respect in the northern Midwest. The University of Minnesota houses one of the proudest NCAA hockey teams in the country, boasting five national championships and one of the rowdiest fan bases a hockey team will ever see. Being located in the Midwestern city, Chicago, Northwestern should celebrate its Midwestern-ness more than with awkward conversations about pop and ugly sweatshirts. When I think of the Midwest, I think of Mom and Pop stores, Garrison Keillor rambling about potluck dinners and kids playing hockey on a frozen lake. The Golden Gophers honor that time-honored and dangerous Midwestern tradition, and so should NU.

5. Big time party – University of Wisconsin

Northwestern doesn’t need to worry about a bad party scene: Anybody saying NU doesn’t party hard will spend most of their lives coming home from work, downing three bottles of Jack Daniels and going to bed in a bathtub. But our campus does need help in creating an event that actually catches the eyes of students at other colleges. Right now, NU has Dillo Day, which is basically a Friday night that happens during the day, but with a worse playlist. Yet what really sinks Dillo Day is how anti-social it is – students pretty much break into small groups to play Kings, stumble about, maybe go outside for a bit and then lock themselves indoors again.

The University of Wisconsin knows how to throw an event both communal and controversial. The State Street Halloween Party happens every…you guessed it, attracting upwards of 100,000 costumed people from around the Midwest to party it up. Now, the event isn’t perfect, as one of the unfortunate side effects seems to be property damage, but the event still gets more buzz than whatever frat house-turned-haunted house NU has to offer. Some big event doesn’t have to be fueled by booze to be good. No, really, stop laughing. NU needs a get-together that generates buzz at other Big Ten schools instead of an event best known for having that guy from Dispatch playing.

4. ? – Michigan State

I owe a big apology to the University of Iowa. You guys aren’t the worst school in the Big Ten, even with your vast fields of nothingness. Meet Michigan State, an unexciting school situated in the most boring part of a state best known for looking like a hand. I honestly can’t find one redeeming quality about Michigan State that NU should adopt, so instead I’ll offer up a buffet of fun facts, and maybe you can create your own value to adopt. DID YOU KNOW…

• Hybrid corn was engineered at MSU?
• MSU ranks in the top five universities for students studying abroad, because they can’t wait to escape the pit-stain that is East Lansing?
• Students at MSU probably quote 300 since, much like King Leonidas and his army of sexually-confused men, they are Spartans? Aren’t they creative?
• You can study abroad in Antarctica? People hate MSU so much that they would study in Antarctica?
• MSU wants to be a global leader by 2012? Good luck!

3. Upways, downways, sideways, diag-ways – University of Michigan

“Man, you know what sucks about NU? The student center. Bro, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but other schools have bowling alleys and Wendy’s in their unions. How come I can’t score some strikes while dipping my fries into my Frosty? And let me tell you about the dating scene…”

NU students have completely exhausted original reasons why NU sucks. We get it, Norris isn’t the greatest place on Earth, people don’t know how to party and dating sucks. Get over it, shut up, go on Craigslist. But I do agree with one common complaint: Northwestern does lack a central meeting spot where students can gather and read or throw around a Frisbee. The much-hated University of Michigan has a big place for students to chill, known as The Diag, due to the diagonal nature of the paths. According to Wikipedia, the Diag is the busiest spot on campus, hosting concerts, rallies and sunbathing. Since NU needs a little help in the social category, an open gathering space would help the more awkward students (read: every single person, author included) get out and meet people. Or at least offer a good place to get your tan on.

2. Taking advantage of the Web – University of Illinois

Click onto NU’s webpage, and you get a site about as exciting as Geocities circa 1998. Plenty of purple, but nothing too interesting. The University of Illinois’ website doesn’t look any fancier at first glance, but start digging and you’ll find one of the coolest college websites around. The front page has a nice, simple design, but start clicking some hyperlinks and you’ll find the real virtual gold. All major points of interest for students can be found on the front page, including access to e-mail (something the NU site sorely lacks). The coolest parts of the site exploit new media. You can hook yourself up with a U of I RSS feed, or browse student blogs and podcasts. The Illini site is the Web’s Prius to NU’s Edsel. This shouldn’t come as a shock. Illinois bred both the inventor of Netscape (remember that?) and two of the three inventors of YouTube.

1. Articles equal pride – THE Ohio State University

Nobody goes to Ohio State University. They go to THE Ohio State University. Every time they emphasize that lone article, I want to give them an old fashioned punch to the kidneys. Even OSU’s ads trumpet the “THE,” making me want to pull an Elvis and shoot up my TV. The moniker is so annoying and such an arrogant statement that most people either love it or hate it.

And it’s the best aspect of Ohio State. People treat the school not as a university, but as a nation, something to unite behind and be proud of. The Buckeye football team helps a lot, but the school itself also conjures up feelings of collectiveness and pride. “The” implies exclusivity, that there is only one or that it’s the authentic one. Ohio State has developed a sense of pride so strong, students and alumni feel they didn’t go to a college, but an institution that goes beyond education.

Northwestern needs that sense of pride. I’m not talking about more passionate football fans or people wearing purple sweatshirts everyday of their life. Those serve to offer immediate gratitude. NU needs pride stretching beyond Saturday afternoons, a feeling lasting a lifetime. Being a Buckeye is like being in the most awesome club in the world, creating a special feeling that sets THE Ohio State apart from other universities. Simply slapping an article in front of Northwestern’s name won’t turn people into Wildcat fanatics for life, but the school should work to make people truly proud to have graduated from NU. Plus, maybe they’ll donate more money so we can build a bowling alley.

History books like to point out that Howard Taft was the fattest U.S. president ever, and World Series history is loaded with equally odd moments. Baseball rarely features major shocks, which explains why the Yankees have so many gosh darn titles, and why the top franchises consistently shine. So when something weird happens in baseball, it sticks out like a rush shirt at a theater party. With the World Series set to start oh-so-soon, featuring one of the oddest matchups ever, here are some of the most bizarre series in the Fall Classic’s history.

10. 1918: Chicago Cubs vs. Boston Red Sox

This World Series featured the two most cursed clubs of all time, before their actual cursing. The matchup screamed “the hell!” from the outset. Just think back to 2003 when these two teams almost played one another for the championship. People thought the Cubs/Red Sox clash would bring about Armageddon.

The 1918 championship felt the intense impact of the then-raging World War I from the start. The regular season was shortened and the World Series was played from Sept. 5 to 11, not quite applicable to Dane Cook’s “This is October” spiel. The Cubs chose to play at the larger Comiskey Park, home of the Southside White Sox, instead of Wrigley Field. The weirdness carried over to the diamond. Not a single home run was hit in the low-scoring games and players delayed the final game over a debate on ticket-sale revenue. Nearly everything about the 1918 series seemed a bit out of frame except for one fact: Babe Ruth kicked total ass in the series.

9. 1985: St. Louis Cardinals vs. Kansas City Royals

When the Yankees play the Mets, you call it the Subway Series. When the Angels play the Dodgers, you call it the Freeway Series. When the Marlins play the Devil Rays, you call it “What Channel is Animal Planet on?” But what the hell do you call this in-state battle? The Show-Me State Showdown? Mayhem in Missouri? The Battle of Cities Partially in Other States?

Picking a moniker for the 1985 World Series wasn’t the only problem. In Game 6, with the Royals down in the series 3 to 2, KC’s Jorge Orta hit a grounder to Cardinal first baseman Jack Clark*. He flipped the ball to the covering pitcher and the umpire called Orta safe. The replays told a different story: He was clearly out. The Royals went on to build momentum off the botched call. They won the game and the World Series. When a team blows their chance at a championship, it stings; but when the officials muck up the outcome, well, that’s just memorable for all the wrong reasons.

8. 1992: Atlanta Braves vs. Toronto Blue Jays and 1993: Philadelphia Phillies vs. Toronto Blue Jays

“Wow, grandpa, the Angels really rallied from that much to win it?”

“Yep, one of the happiest moments of my life, then they won four championships in a row during the 2010s. My, when Vlad Guerrero* became a cyborg . . .”

“Gee, I hope the Pittsburgh-Baltimore series is as good as that one. Hey, Grandpa . . . what’s Toronto? This says they won two Series, but I’ve never heard of ‘em before.”

“Oh, those were strange times. Back in the early ’90s, when I was no more a tot than you, they had baseball in Canada. And not just piss-poor minor league baseball - actual honest-to-God good teams. Toronto had this club called the Blue Jays and they were loaded with talent. They won back-to-back championships, bringing the greatest American championship outside the U.S. for the first time ever. But eventually, they got bad, people stopped caring and they moved to Hoboken. Canada winning the Fall Classic . . . Those were weird times, kid.”

“That’s cool. Grandpa, what’s a Kenny Lofton?”

7. 1982: Milwaukee Brewers vs. St. Louis Cardinals

The strangest World Series is when a pitiful club climbs its way to the Fall Classic. The moment Tampa Bay wins the ALCS, I’ll revise this article and put it as number one. Even my imaginary grandchildren won’t see that one happen. The 1982 World Series featured one such out-of-nowhere team, the Milwaukee Brewers, who squared off against MLB steadfast St. Louis.

The Brew Crew opened the series explosively, scoring 17 runs at St. Louis. The Cardinals didn’t flop though and pushed the series to seven games, eventually beating the Brewers in the finale. The Brewers may have fallen in Game 7, but they’re memorable as being the first true surprise team to make the Fall Classic and also for having one of the most outdated nicknames of all time (Harvey’s Wallbangers. I Love the ’80s had a field day with that one).

6. 1986: Boston Red Sox vs. New York Mets

The 10th inning of Game 6 featured one of the craziest comebacks in baseball history, capped with the most cringeworthy moment in Boston sports. Here is an 8-bit interpretation.

5. 1944: St. Louis Cardinals vs. St. Louis Browns

Thanks, war, for ruining another baseball season! Many of America’s finest ballplayers fought overseas in World War II, leaving all the crappy ones behind. The result was this all-St. Louis series, the only time it ever happened. Every game took place in the same ballpark (this also actually happened in 1922). The Cardinals took the title but won in one of the most lackluster seasons ever. At least Joe DiMaggio won World War II for us.

4. 1995: Cleveland Indians vs. Atlanta Braves

In the mid-’90s, baseball’s most famous runner-ups met to determine who was less of a doormat than the other. Cleveland always seemed to be just on the cusp of getting to the World Series, usually bested by some random A.L. squad or, eventually, the Yankees. The Braves, meanwhile, won the N.L. East a record 11 times starting in ‘95. Twelve years ago, these two eventual-underachievers met in the Fall Classic and the Indians only recently got a shot at redemption. Not strange enough for you? How about this: In Game 6, The Rembrandts (of Friends fame) performed the National Anthem. You’ll need to know that for ’90s Trivial Pursuit one day, I swear.

3. 1989: San Francisco Giants vs. Oakland Athletics

This one is remembered for all the wrong reasons. During Game 3 of this series, at San Fran’s Candlestick Park, a 6.9-magnitude earthquake struck the Bay Area while the two teams were warming up. Nobody at the game was hurt, but the surrounding area wasn’t so lucky. Most of the region was left in shambles, a portion of the Bay Bridge collapsed and 62 people died. Creepiest part about it? The quake was captured on the World Series pregame show. If you can find it, check the video. Everything was running smoothly when suddenly the equipment started freaking out and the screen went to static. I want baseball, not The Ring.

2. 2007: Colorado Rockies vs. Boston Red Sox

Too soon? No, not really. This year’s World Series serves as the perfect example of how bizarre the last few MLB championships have been. Numerous recent teams have captured the World Series only to return to the cellar the very next year. This trend kicked off in 2001, when the “I didn’t know they existed” Arizona Diamondbacks beat the New York Yankees in seven games. Since then, we’ve seen surprise teams like the Anaheim Angels and Florida Marlins win world titles, then pull a Britney-style crash-and-burn. This climate reached its pinnacle in 2005 when the flash-in-the-pan Chicago White Sox beat the flash-in-the-pan Houston Astros with the best sweep in World Series history. Neither team bothered to make the playoffs the next year, fading to a crappy existence only marginally better than the Washington Nationals.

And now this. I wasn’t even aware Colorado played baseball for most of the season, and I live on the West Coast! What they’re doing is incredible, but they’re without a doubt the most head-scratching team ever to make the World Series. Here’s a test: Name three players on this team. Oh, you are on a computer, you can just Google them. Cheater. But my point stands. Boston adds some sense of tradition to this series, but rooting for the Red Sox now is like wanting Michael Bay to make tons of money off his latest movie. At least the added wrinkle of “long-storied franchise” versus “team that serves bull testicles at ballpark” works some weird wonder.

1. 1997: Cleveland Indians vs. Florida Marlins

The odd trend of lame-ass franchises making miracle runs to the World Series originated in 1997. The might-as-well-be-newborn Florida Marlins fought the long-suffering Cleveland Indians in the Fall Classic. The Marlins stocked up on great ballplayers in the off-season, landing big names like Kevin Brown, Craig Counsell and Bobby Bonilla (remember, this was the ’90s). Armed with talent worthy of the “will be working at Arby’s in the 2000s” label, the pride of Florida squeaked into the playoffs as the N.L. wildcard. Their A.L. rivals, the Cleveland Indians, ten years away from ALCS heartbreak, were the overwhelming favorite heading into the series.

The 1997 Flordia Marlins are the most bizarre team to ever make the World Series. Just look at the roster. That might get them on the list, but watch them compete with a clearly better Cleveland team (they had Jim Thome and Manny Ramirez*. Some fantasy players would carry Mo Vaughn* from coast to coast for that). To actually beat them in seven games — seven exciting games — truly boggles the mind. Still not convinced? Game 7 was the looooongest Game 7 in World Series history and Game 4 featured a game-time temperature of 15 degrees, the lowest ever for the Fall Classic (and people wonder why Cleveland gets a bad rap).

This series created the template that the World Series follows today. Florida loaded up on talent, forgoing farm systems for instant results and pulled off one of the biggest upsets in World Series history. Most teams since have followed a similar strategy, creating unstable teams that either get hot and take it all or burn out spectacularly. Don’t forget, the Marlins imploded after their Series win, as have most teams this decade. The 1997 Series is the strangest ever because of how prophetic it was. Though Billy the Marlin was also pretty rad.

Correction — October, 27, 2007: This article initially misspelled the names of Vladimir Guerrero, Manny Ramirez, Mo Vaughn and the Cardinals. Thanks to grammar nazi for pointing out some of these errors.

10. Emerson

The mere existence of the Sorority Quads (the prettiest housing area on campus) on this road warrants consideration for street superiority, but what pushes the path onto this list are the late-night eateries found a little past Willard. Philly’s Best and White Hen stay open well after Conan goes off the air, providing artery-clogging cheesesteaks and jugs’ worth of Mountain Dew for the most severe insomniacs. The quality of the eats isn’t what matters (nothing screams “4 a.m. Evanston Hospital run” more than fried dough and Sour Patch Kids), just the fact that something besides Burger King remains open past midnight. Emerson’s plenty great during the day, but at night, it’s one of the best, not to mention unhealthiest, avenues to traverse.

9. Hinman

Hinman lets you rest your head on his shoulder after a night of heavy drinking. Hinman has a lot of work to get done, but gives you a back rub anyway, because he’s just that into you. He offers you pretty scenery, charming houses and access to the rest of Evanston, plus Lake Michigan. Want late-night cheese sticks? Just walk over to him. Need a work-study job? He’s got you covered. So, what do you do for Hinman?

You talk about how dreamy Chicago Avenue is in front of him, emphasizing his length, features and accent . . . er, Whole Foods. Hinman’s the “just a friend” road of Evanston – a perfectly charming street overlooked in favor of flashier boulevards with Gap franchises. Well, I sympathize with Mr. Hinman, and will honor him. Perk up, road - she should be into you!

8. Foster

Currently going through heavy construction (one reason this unheralded street didn’t get higher placement), Foster nonetheless exudes charm and offers something for everyone. Those looking for quirky bookstores and coffee shops straight from a Wes Anderson feature just need to find the intersection of Foster and Maple. Others seeking a peaceful stroll can take in the idyllic greenery and houses lining the road. Want to escape the hustle-and-bustle of Evanston for the hustlier-and-bustlier Chicago? The Foster El stop provides this scintillating possibility. And for all you singles lookin’ for love, where could be better than the loneliest place in the Chicagoland area – Foster-Walker Complex.

7. Clark

The ultimate Evanston gauntlet of cheap food ready to clog several decades of your life away. Burger King, Clarke’s, J.K. Sweet, Einstein’s, Cosi, Buffalo Joe’s, Jimmy John’s, Tacos Del Lago, Papa John’s and Chili’s. If a more health-deteriorating street exists, it is probably in the depths of Hell. Or Wisconsin.

6. Noyes

Traditional NU party streets always end up being a bummer. The typical route to off-campus tipsiness follows Ridge, usually stopping at the monolithic apartments of Ridge and Davis or Ridge and Noyes, but this looooong street lacks anything else of interest, even to the alcohol-fueled, who ordinarily could find a lone fire hydrant as entertaining as Sea World. More obscure streets like Simpson and Hamlin are as difficult to find as the Fountain of Youth and, due to their locations in residential areas, parties there are often broken up fairly quickly. And if someone tells you about a rager on Library . . . well, you should rethink where you are in life. It isn’t too late.

Noyes Street rests near all of these famous roads of debauchery, making it the ultimate passage to all parties up north. But Noyes also has a vibrant social scene itself – on a Friday night, one is almost guaranteed to find at least one party blaring from an apartment there. And the comparative lack of serene single-family homes on Noyes means said events often last longer. Factor in the various eateries (and a Laundromat), and you have one of the best streets north of Kellogg.

5. Howard

NU students find themselves on Howard for only two reasons – either to get coat hangers at Target or because the Purple Line is running slow. This southern street, though, is the most Chicago-like part of Evanston, trading in upper-middle-class institutions for more unique restaurants and stores. Now, I wouldn’t want to be walking along this street anytime after 10 p.m. unless equipped with a flamethrower and several grenades, but during the day it’s dandy. The most intriguing dining option is Gulliver’s, a basic restaurant outfitted with medieval antiques more appropriate for the Field Museum, though the IHOP nearby isn’t bad either. And of course having a Target doesn’t hurt.

4. Davis

The rich man’s Clark. Whereas on the latter street I could buy a chicken sandwich, a milkshake, a bagel and a slice of pizza for about as much as a movie ticket, Davis offers fancier fare at steeper prices. Giordano’s is the biggest draw, serving up some of the heartiest food in Evanston, but the culinary madness doesn’t end there. Walk farther down and you’ll discover various sit-down restaurants where I, with my Hungry Man TV Dinner-appropriate cash flow, would never dare venture, as well as Jamba Juice and Al’s Italian Beef, a better and pricier BK, minus the chicken fries. When you become sick of soul-crushing fast food and get a raise at work, just mosey on down Davis.

Word of warning though – if anybody you know wants to go to the Davis Street Fish Market, proceed cautiously. My friends once got me to go here after they said Quizno’s was “too expensive,” only to discover the prices made Quizno’s look like Dollar Tree in comparison. If you have to go, hide your wallet, and only eat bread.

3. Sheridan

As the Midwest weather slowly changes from “slightly tolerable” to “dear God, why did I come here,” it may be hard to remember that the region actually experiences decent weather come spring. Students looking to bask in the warmth of the sun (oh, that sounds so good right now . . .) should explore Sheridan Road in springtime, when it becomes the most gorgeous stretch of pavement in Evanston. The road lacks any sort of diners or stores, but makes up for it by being right next to Lake Michigan and the assorted parks curtaining that body of water. Nothing beats a good book (that is, required reading for class), some good music and a Diet Coke while sprawled out on a beach towel in the sand. Plus, you might be able to find the ice cream man I once bought a Snoopy-shaped Popsicle from. Don’t get too depressed while trying to construct a snowman from the slush NU calls “snow” this winter – just think about how great the walk down Sheridan will be in a few months.

2. Central

My biggest gripe about Evanston is how “blah” it comes off. It could honestly be any other smallish city in the Midwest equipped with a college. All the interesting sights wait in Chicago, while the most peaceful stretches of nature are north in Wilmette. But one street actually oozes what could be called the closest thing to Evanston uniqueness – Central Street.

NU kids rarely find themselves on Central, except for the occasional tragicomedy known as Wildcat football, because the road isn’t conveniently located near campus. Fair point, but the trek pays off. Sure, Central has a smattering of chain stores (look, a Blockbuster and a Subway), but it also contains more than enough unique Evanston businesses. You can find stores selling NU apparel, fancy art and music, among other wares. There are unique dining options all around, plus a great ice cream place farther down. But, most importantly (and cliché), Central resembles your typical non-Disney-affiliated Main Street U.S.A., brimming with interesting local shops, restaurants and residences. Don’t be afraid to take a walk or a shuttle up here, even just for a little bit.

1. Church

You know all that stuff I said about big-name businesses being one of the big reasons Evanston isn’t that great? OK, that’s still true, but Church Street is the best road in Evanston precisely because it contains the highest quantity of soul-crushing chains in town. But really, no street comes close to having the caliber of buildings Church does. Starting from Hinman, you have Whole Foods, Celtic Knot and Über Burger, only a sampling of the awesome food landmarks around. Go farther downtown and you get Sashimi Sashimi, Flat Top and the crappy-but-vital RadioShack. Plenty of slightly more specialized shopping experiences also exist, including Urban Outfitters for clothes, American Apparel for slightly more pretentious clothes and GameStop for nerd-stuff. Past the El bridge are more shops and fooderies, including Asado Grill, a dining experience comparable to reaching the peak of Mt. Everest or watching every Star Wars movie in a row – painful at times, but worth it in the end.

But I’d be amiss if I didn’t mention the true reason Church crushes the competition. Chipotle. Delicious and relatively cheap, Chipotle’s food is like crack for college kids who don’t already do crack. People go to BK because it’s the only option; people go to Chipotle because they can’t get enough of their massive, massive burritos. I know people who have sworn off the stuff because of the detrimental affect Chipotle was having on their wallets and personal welfare. Chipotle is the focal dining experience at NU, the most craved and feared eatery in Evanston, and the provider of the best food one can afford on a semi-regular basis.

Church Street rules because of Chipotle - what else do you want? I’m not freakin’ Bob Woodward over here.

Centerpiece photo by wselman on Flickr, licensed under the Creative Commons.

Thanks to technology, one can order the latest season of The Office on DVD, download his favorite songs and look at grotesque pictures of human depravity in the same amount of time it takes to toast an Eggo waffle. But the rise of the Internet also came with plenty of downsides for the human race, chief among them the ease with which movies, TV shows and books could be “spoiled,” or have important plot points revealed months before their actual release. Though the art of destroying surprises had existed long before the World Wide Web, this new communication tool allowed any blogger or forum-goer to dash a fan’s hopes much easier than before.

Spoiling illustrates two of the worst aspects of humanity – insane obsession with a piece of fiction and taking assholish pleasure in destroying another’s enjoyment in the name of laughs. Just think back to the final Harry Potter book – on one end, super-nutty fans would disown an acquaintance if they even hinted at Hermione’s fate, while total jerks viciously ruined the book for Potter fans from behind stupid message board avatars. Some spoilers are bigger than others; I shall honor the ten biggest of all time below. And remember: Don’t yell at me if something gets ruined for you, you’ve been thoroughly warned.

10. “It was Earth, all along….”

Two spoiler-related things that aren’t actually spoilers: People freaking out over tiny and irrelevant details (“Don’t tell me what color Jack Sparrow’s bandanna is, you ruined my movie-going experience!”) and dudes writing stuff like “Uh, you know the Titanic sinks in the end lol,” on message boards while anxiously refreshing Maddox’s webpage. The ending of the original Planet of the Apes is as perfect as a spoiler can be, being both a legitimate surprise and also central to the plot.

It’s also one of the better spoilers from its era - as opposed to no duh moments like “Godzilla beats Gigan” or “It’s implied that James Bond has a lot of sex.” NRA head-honcho Charlton Heston’s Statue of Liberty discovery still stands as one of the neatest twists in a sci-fi film, and a plot point that, if known beforehand, is capable of ruining the entire experience for a new viewer. This movie’s placement on this list doesn’t acknowledge the newer, updated version of the film where Lady Liberty is replaced with a bizarre scene at the Lincoln Memorial where Honest Abe is more like Honest Ape.

Cultural Impact – One of the funniest things I’ve ever seen on TV, ever.

9. 24 and Lost. Every twist and turn.

I have never seen an episode of 24 or Lost. Maybe one day when I run out of lists to compose, I’ll watch them. They must be good since every fan of either show with access to the Internet treats them like holy writ. These shows rely on big twists and surprises, from “who’s gonna die/explode” (24) to… stranger fare (on Lost, a “monster” roaming the island turns out to be a polar bear, and nobody knows why). Regardless of what loony plotline is revealed, don’t dare talk about it online (or near anyone “just getting into the series”) without warning the masses or else you’ll ruin the whole series for some newbie. Both shows rely on big, out-of-nowhere moments, and that’s the stuff spoilers are made of. Anyone with remote interest in either series may very well flip out and stab you repeatedly if you ruin anything for them. This never happened with Married with Children.

Cultural Impact – More and more shows trying to use “didn’t see that coming” moments to be good television, plus more and more show fanbases acting fanatical about series. Have you ever talked to a House fan?

8. The Usual Suspects – DAMNNN!

The only film I won’t spoil, because the surprise is that good. The Usual Suspects rarely receives the same type of attention as the other pieces of media on this list, which is a shame as the conclusion to this film is much more unpredictable. So once you get that Sociology reading out of the way (or before), watch The Usual Suspects and you’ll see what I mean.

Cultural Impact – Sadly, not much, as this film (and spoiler) isn’t honored enough to make any huge impact on culture. I think Family Guy referenced it once, but if you can find me something from the past thirty years Family Guy didn’t reference, I’ll buy you a crepe.

7. The “Who Shot Who” Plot

Not all spoilers have to be big events; they can seem so unexciting and lame, a hardcore fan may become disheartened after the reveal. Television series often fall prey to this, hyping up plots to keep viewers interested from season to season, only to have the revelation not live up to expectations.

One of the biggest TV shows of all time, Dallas, did this back in 1980 with the famous “Who shot J.R.?” plotline. The question became a cultural phenomenon somewhere between “Wassup!?” and “Where’s the beef?,” appeared in everyday conversation and was plastered over merch, including “I shot J.R” t-shirts. All this build-up meant that the real end couldn’t be that great. If you’d told a casual fan that J.R.’s sister-in-law shot him, he probably would’ve been disappointed with such a pedestrian end. The Simpsons parodied this cliffhanger with the “Who shot Mr. Burns?” saga, which kicked up similar mass interest. Then everyone found out Maggie did it. People expect hyped reveals to lead to big dynamite-level surprises, not “whatever” moments. Spoiling something like this is akin to telling a kid Santa Claus doesn’t exist. On Club Penguin, no less.

Cultural Impact – Cliffhanger endings becoming en vogue on TV.

6. It’s the sled, people

The granddaddy of spoilers: The discovery at the end of Citizen Kane that “Rosebud” isn’t a lost love or a family member, but a sled. One of the first (and definitely one of the most discussed) spoilers in cinema, it’s also the most over-referenced and over-analyzed moment in movie history. Really, it’s just his sled, and it isn’t that hard to figure out what it represents. But film freaks treat it like one of the most shocking twists since “the Earth revolves around the sun,” devoting way too much time to a pretty basic metaphor. Then again, they could write a 20-page essay on what Donnie Darko is about, when I can sum it up in two words (TIME TRAVEL). The “Rosebud” revelation may be one of the original instances where prior knowledge ruins the whole movie, but its significance is a tad overblown.

Cultural Impact – The first big-time movie spoiler ever, and often the first thing ruined for people about the movie.

5. GROSSSSS!

Korean revenge flick Oldboy stands alone as a swell movie about getting even and beating people up with a hammer, but the best part comes near the end when anyone unfamiliar with the movie is nauseated by the big surprise. This is the type of spoiler that not only blows half the film’s fun (finding out the protagonist is unknowingly bonking his own daughter), but will ruin the joy of watching your pals staring dumbfounded at the screen, likewise stunned that the otherwise cute love story is actually a terrible tale of incest. People usually unload spoilers on other, more naïve folks for the pleasure of watching them suffer, and Oldboy’s shock offers a lot more enjoyment than your typical spoiler.

Cultural Impact – Not much, though your friends may think you are a sick freak for doing this to them.

4. “I see dead people” + Seeing Bruce Willis = Bruce Willis is dead

M. Night Shyamalan is defined by his films’ twist endings, though most of them are utter garbage. I mean, the “surprise” in The Village sucks so badly everyone who saw it should be allowed the chance to slap Mr. Shyamalan across the face. But even with Lady in the Water on his resume, Shyamalan does have one great film with one great twist under his belt: The Sixth Sense.

By now most people know what said surprise is: Bruce Willis is a ghost only tot Haley Joel Osment can see. But when the film came out in 1999 this spoiler was a hot topic, and many people shunned any talk that would give away the ending. Of course, when people don’t want to hear something, other people are bound to do their best to say it.

Cultural Impact – The first film with a big, ruinable ending during the Internet age, and so a precursor to the flurry of spoiling we see online today.

3. Snape kills Dumbeldore

The most famous spoiler of the Harry Potter series. A week before Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince hit stores, a page from the book leaked online, touting the above info. This marked a historic moment in Internet history – a large chunk of people started using this information to annoy the Harry Potter community. Trying to avoid this valuable piece of info was near impossible, as meanies all over plastered it on message boards, web pages and Wikipedia. Very few made it to release day unscathed (I was among the spoiled masses). And now a large group of people revel in others’ misery, a trend still raging online. The fact that people avoid the Internet completely prior to a big release to avoid stumbling across spoilers shows just what kind of impact this had.

Cultural Impact – The Internet becomes an angsty, mean teenager. Plus, this video.

2. Optimus… noooo!

Nowadays, everyone knows who Optimus Prime is, whether from an ironic t-shirt or that little movie he was in over the summer. Back in the ‘80s, people still recognized the shapeshifter, but he was relegated to the realm of nerd-dom. But how the dweebs loved Optimus! So when The Transformers: The Movie came out in 1986, and rumors that Optimus Prime would die started spreading, most couldn’t believe it. Until they saw the movie, and then found out that Optimus does in fact meet his end.

A truly great spoiler, whether it be something ripe for spreading from person-to-person or a surprise moment in a film, catches people off-guard, and they don’t immediately buy into it. Optimus Prime’s death came out of nowhere, and legitimately could ruin the film for a fan (especially considering Optimus dies near the beginning; what fan wants to watch that?). Though “Megatron kills Optimus” never became that big of a deal in more mainstream culture, it’s one of the biggest shocks in nerd-culture.

Cultural Impact – The geeky version of Bambi’s mom getting shot. Except Bambi’s mom couldn’t turn into a freight truck.

1. I am your father

Ask anybody born before 2000 (and probably a fair amount of kids born after) who Luke Skywalker’s father is, and I guarantee the majority will respond “Darth Vader.” As Ms. South Carolina demonstrated, a lot of students in this country may not know their geography well, but give them a test asking “How are Luke and Darth related?” and they will get a perfect score. You’d think that, since it’s referenced so often in our lives, babies just come out of the womb knowing the Dark Lord of the Sith fathered Luke.

Yet this is without a doubt the biggest spoiler of all-time. Today, everyone outside of sperm have heard it, but when Emperor Strikes Back first opened in 1980, Luke’s Maury-like moment was a total surprise. There are no hints in the original Star Wars that the two are related, making the revelation that much more stunning. Imagine having someone ruin this for you just before you enter the theater – the biggest cinematic surprise of all time spoiled. But I’m sure this happened when the film first came out. Happens with every big twist.

Darth Vader’s parenthood came out of nowhere, in one of the biggest films of all-time, and is still relevant today. I can’t think of another fact this good that’s capable of ruining your cinematic experience.

Cultural Impact – Do you watch anything?

But jumping into higher education can resemble the scene in 28 Days Later where the main character wakes up in an abandoned London: extremely jarring, though with fewer zombies. Everyone is a stranger, every class is a risk and every party could suck. So, having a little help on hand can’t hurt. Having survived Northwestern thus far (including Tour De France-speed bicyclists on Sheridan and a Chinese class), I’ll dish out valuable tips to reduce pressure on freshman new to Evanston.

10. Make your room comfortable

College guides and brochures tell incoming freshman to buy roughly a million objects before showing up at their dorms. Recommended items range from small necessities, such as clothes and bedding, to more obscure tools, like a water heater or a whaling harpoon. Most of these wares will gather dust as the average student gets by on what really sustains life: food, water and Facebook.

You can buy any essential items in Evanston, so don’t stress about material goods. A good room design will make you happier, though. My roomie and I foolishly kept our room’s original design, unaware beds could be debunked and desks shuffled. Our room felt as welcoming as a World War I trench, not to mention my roommate mistook my head for a bunk bed step every night.

So instead of talking who should bring the fridge and who should bring the HDTV, experiment with the layout of your dorm room. You’d be surprised how much time you’ll spend in your room, so develop a design the two of you will enjoy most. Plus, you might have more space to store all your unnecessary junk, so your room doesn’t resemble a landfill.

9. Sleep whenever you can

College turns even the most sleep-spoiled individuals into insomniacs. This holds doubly true during the first quarter, when new friends spend late nights learning about one another and deciding who to hook up with at some point.

Take advantage of free time you have between classes, club meetings and crunkin’ events. Nap every chance you can, and get a spec of sleep during the night. The next four years of your life will be deprived of sleep, so stock up early.

8. Figure out your classes early

After three days I thought I figured Northwestern out. I’d unpacked completely, made some friends and adjusted to dining hall food (well, as much as one can). But on the eve of registration, I nearly committed myself to a mental hospital while trying to decide which still-open class would be more rewarding: Elementary Logic or Diversity of Life (answer: neither).

Take some time your first week to focus on what classes will burden you Fall Quarter. There may be fun activities going on your first week, but don’t forget academics do exist in college, and they will have a major impact on whether you love university life or would rather enter a more relaxing field, like deep-sea diving. Don’t blow off classes assuming you can just take whatever remains on CAESAR come registration time. Otherwise, you’ll end up in lectures brimming with the same amount of energy as C-SPAN 2.

7. Go to football games

Two characteristics separate NU from the typical state school. First, we actually study a bit before we get trashed/baked/PCPed out of our minds. And second, we don’t have a good football team.

Don’t let the fact our squad resembles a pack of ex-construction workers who just discovered what “tossin’ the pigskin” means discourage you. Wildcat football has the mystifying quality of bringing so many together for a product so very terrible (call it the Spider-Man 3 effect), as many Northwestern students walk to Ryan Field to scream and hold their hands out like a stuffed cougar from the Field Museum. It’s one of the coolest events you’ll experience here, and one of the few times the campus displays any school unity, besides everyone vomiting simultaneously on Dillo Day. Who cares if our team loses to Shitville Community College by 28 points (or Duke by six)? It’s still super fun.

6. Don’t take early classes

You might have gotten up at 5:30 in the morning during high school for whatever god-forsaken club you were a part of, but college is a whole other beast. If lecture starts before Passions airs, pass on it.

5. Get to know upperclassmen

You have enough freshmen faces to worry about that you probably aren’t too concerned about the sophomores, juniors and rare senior scattered about your new home. But take time to get to know upperclassmen. They are veterans of the college game, and can tell you which professors will change your life and which will make you relocate to another continent. Older students also know what campus events are worth your time, and can enlighten you to the traditions that your dorm holds. At the very least, they can tell you where the good parties happen.

4. Explore the dining halls

As I prepare to enter the scary world of off-campus housing, I will always regret never eating at Elder’s dining hall. The one time I finally ventured up north to sample the mysterious dorm’s foodstuffs, the dining hall wasn’t open. The pain I felt upon seeing the “closed” sign hurt worse than discovering the truth about Santa Claus, but not as much as learning the truth about professional wrestling. I don’t know if the pain will ever fade.

Instead of chowing down at the same bland hall every night, gather some friends and hit up every cafeteria on campus during Fall Quarter. Going to the same place day-in and day-out is the college equivalent of an eight-to-five job. So explore NU’s culinary wonders, from Stir-Fry Steve down at Hinman to the well-decorated Sargent to the tasty made-to-order grill at Foster Walker. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Eat everywhere you can.

3. Drink appropriately

The biggest change new college kids face is the availability of liquor. If you partied it up every week during high school, the environment won’t seem drastically different (don’t forget, rush week starts winter quarter). But, for anyone who drank seldom or never, the atmosphere can be quite intimidating. Getting wasted plays a prominent role at NU, so you should know how to deal with drinking before your first party.

If you plan to take your first sip of the stuff come fall, or drank only a little during high school, you have to learn moderation. Some new students approach drinking like Will Ferrell in Old School, believing the worst that could happen is they’ll streak or make horrible comedies. Unfortunately, overindulgence leads to embarrassment, as you’ll either make a massive buffoon of yourself or yak into a bush on Ridge and Davis. Learn your limit, and then never cross your boozy boundaries. Remember: When the sink starts resembling the sofa, you should cut back on the PBR.

If, like me, you choose not to drink at all during your first quarter of college existence, the situation seems even more terrifying. When everyone gets trashed every weekend, you can feel alienated. As tough as it may seem, don’t betray yourself, regardless of how much pressure your inebriated peers heap on you. As Disney-sappy as it sounds, being true to yourself really is important, and you aren’t alone out there. You can make great friends, even when shunning Smirnoff. Plus, you probably won’t accidentally coat anyone in a sheet of vomit.

2. Don’t develop a boozy reputation

Going off the last point, don’t become the dorm drunk. During my New Student Week, one dude got so trashed he roamed the halls like a loon for several hours. The title “dorm drunk” got latched to him for the entire year, and he couldn’t shake it off. He could have rebuilt New Orleans and bought everyone in the city a puppy and he’d still be defined by their New Student Week debauchery. But there is a hitch…..

People absolutely adored these guys. My fellow dormmates flocked to the people who reveled in an alcohol-heavy lifestyle (and still do), viewing them as folks who know how to have a good time. One time, about a dozen people defended one guy who had his party broken up, hurling hate towards the CAs, who had committed the grievous sin of doing their job. For anyone who doesn’t down liquid by the tubs, this can be the most frustrating feeling at college, watching as people acting like John Daly get showered in admiration.

But don’t let it get you down too much. Instead, work towards developing a good reputation. Alcohol trumps all during these four years (kids really adopt the mantra “ya only live once, better act like anarchists”), and people will always love the drink-centric types. But you can still create a popular personality, one people are drawn to, without jugs-worth of Jim Beam. Plus, in the end, a reputation built on something cool like having good taste in movies or being able to juggle traffic cones is much nobler than the guy who once double fisted fourteen beers.

1. Find a good group of friends

A bit anti-climatic, right? Of course you need to make friends: That may be the most obvious task Fall Quarter. But I’m not talking about the one guy you talked to at College Democrats or the one lady you chatted up at the theater party who you Facebooked the next day, a person you will never see again and could live in Brazil for all you know. No, you want a tight group of friends you can trust.

You’ll occasionally see an acquaintance walking along the street, and you’ll exchange very polite “hellos” and go on with life. A truly tight circle of friends sees you on a daily basis, and picks up on the intricacies of your schedule. They figure out what makes you tick, what brings you down and what cheers you up. You have your fits with them, and things aren’t always simple, but they are the people most present in your life, the major players in the disorganized show known as “the best four years of your life.” Eventually, people in this group start saying everyone needs to branch out. Fine, cool, variety rocks. But they all come back together, because that’s where they feel safest and most cared for.

And there’s nothing wrong with that. The number of Facebook friends isn’t going to enrich your life, so don’t worry yourself with knowing everyone on campus. Find a good circle of friends. Because college doesn’t get any easier after your first Fall Quarter. It gets harder and more confusing. Heck, I still feel overwhelmed most of the time. But (corny message incoming), with the right people around you, everyone can get through unscathed, and for the better.

A very appropriate character to start this list, BK’s chief mascot somehow appealed to America while resembling a monster from a Tim Burton film. Just glance at The King and analyze: a plastic-faced member of royalty who sneaks up on unsuspecting persons and ambushes them with heart-clogging foodstuffs, ranging from Double Whoppers to breakfast sandwiches capable of derailing even the hardiest Elvis impersonator’s heart.

How can a being so otherworldly, so scary, so plastic possibly appeal to viewers not locked in an insane asylum? Such a mascot could have backfired big, making people swear off TenderCrisp sandwiches because of a creepy character. Instead of frightening a nation away from BK forever, however, The King somehow spoke to a generation of people desperate for the next ironic icon to latch onto and call their own. Burger King’s spooky spokesman went from demented concept to common conversation, as plenty of people (especially “uber-hip” college kids) talked about how The King was so creepy and weird, a topic exhausted so deeply I’m certain mothers in Third World nations now have views on the masked menace. The King generated buzz, but what keeps him so low on this list is that he hasn’t necessarily driven in the big bucks for BK. McDonald’s still reigns supreme (even with spots like this) while The King plays second fiddle. A very freaky fiddle.

9. Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band

Today, R. Kelly or Trent Reznor or whoever can shit out a concept album about closets or George W. Bush or George W. Bush controlling the world from a closet. But back in the ’60s, albums served as veiled excuses to sell a couple amazing songs with a bunch of lame tracks tacked on for no reason. The Fab Four changed that with 1965’s Rubber Soul, the first LP ever where every track seemed listenable (writer’s note: OK, I have no proof that any album before Rubber Soul is completely listenable, but I’m a writer, it’s called hyperbole). Soon, bands released masterpieces such as Pet Sounds, and the album became respectable. So The Beatles took another risk and decided to create an album with a running theme throughout: Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.

Now, this album sort of cheats a bit, because it didn’t technically end up a concept album. Pepper’s initial idea was having a band performing a concert throughout the disc’s running time. The Beatles abandon this premise about two tracks in, bringing it back only once for a song near the end. Still, any gamble could have turned the album into The Beatles’ biggest flop of all time, an embarrassment on par with Metal Machine Music or Dylan Does the Dead. Instead, the group crafted their magnum opus, one of the best LPs in the history of music and a revolutionary disc that influenced every subsequent concept album ever made. Though, I guess any album ending with “Day in the Life” could never end up a miscue.

8. Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?

You’d think a show revolving around semi-Neanderthal adults trying to outsmart 10-year-olds couldn’t possibly succeed in an intelligent nation like America, where flying, automobiles and the Kentucky Fried Chicken Famous Bowl were invented.

Now, Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? is the most-watched show on Thursday nights. Guess America isn’t one big Mensa club after all.

7. The Super Bowl

Hard to imagine an event capable of bringing Prince in for halftime entertainment and making companies pay millions of dollars for thirty seconds of airtime as once a possible failure, but the Super Bowl wasn’t always a lock to be called an unofficial national holiday featuring an eight-hour pre-game show. Originally, the big game’s fate didn’t look so rosy.

The Super Bowl originally went by the long-winded moniker “AFL-NFL World Championship Game,” a collision between champions of the well-established National Football League and the upstart American Football League. Everything went wrong for the first game: It was held in the Los Angeles Coliseum, a massive (and ugly) stadium, and it didn’t come close to selling out, leaving tons of empty seats. Two networks broadcast the game (CBS and NBC)