Josh Schwartz ruined my life.

At the least, the ingenious producer has severely damaged my romantic one. He just keeps inventing the most perfect men, the most idyllic situations and taunts me with what’s realistically implausible. Guys like Gossip Girl’s Nate Archibald don’t walk around the corner and whisk you away despite being 10 times prettier than you are. And sure, I love Schwartz for giving me something to obsess about weekly and talk about obsessively with people just as obsessed as I am. The man’s invented the perfect formula for getting people hooked on his little guilty pleasures. But that’s exactly the problem: getting hooked.

Seth Cohen, played by Adam Brody, is the one who started it all. Photo by sheksay on flickr, licensed under the Creative Commons.

The Josh Schwartzes of the world have created unrealistic expectations in girls everywhere, causing a general state of displeasure and disillusionment. It’s difficult for people to be happy with their lives when weekly depictions of romantic perfection are shoved in their faces. And although you should be watching purely for entertainment, it’s difficult to stop yourself from feeling a little distressed. For when the line between reality and Schwartz-ality begins to blur, you will find yourself quite dissatisfied with the normal state of things.

I’d like to say it started a few years ago with the whole The O.C. craze. To be honest, I resisted the show for a while. After all, the show’s premise sounded horrible: a bunch of rich, pretty California teens who frequently emo-out. Sadly, I can pinpoint the exact moment I changed my mind. It was the moment that Adam Brody walked onto my television screen and into my heart.

Suffice it to say, I fell deeply in love with Seth Cohen. Oh Seth Cohen. With his adorable Jew-fro, love for all things indie and snappy witticisms, he represented the perfect man… although in hindsight he was whiny, self-absorbed and dumped his girlfriend for arbitrary reasons. Being ridiculously good-looking helped mask those character flaws, as it usually does. A pretty face will do wonders for dressing up an imperfect situation, something the Schwartzes understand very well and use to entrance silly girls like me.

Regardless, his entire story was perfectly adorable: in love with a girl named Summer since his early childhood, too shy to ever speak to her, but then through the power of Schwartz-magic, they get together with a dramatic love confession atop a coffee cart. Such grand gestures are rare, practically non-existent, in real life, but they’re the kind that people fantasize about. Many girls dream about being swept off their feet with a bold and unforgettable act. And sure, Seth and Summer’s relationship was kind of bad, with the whole on-again/off-again cycle, but you always rooted for them to get back together. On-and-off couples — the paradoxically ideal American relationship. In real life, they’re illogical and looked down upon. But stick it on a screen with a little background music, and it becomes utterly romantic.

I’d sit there with friends, and we’d collectively squeal over how cute it was, and then bemoan the fact that there were no guys like that in real life, and we’d probably all die alone out of dissatisfaction with our current romantic lives. It should’ve ended there, with the bemoaning. But I subconsciously started to seek my own Seth Cohen.

My current obsession is Gossip Girl’s Chuck Bass, played by Ed Westwick. Photo by angela n. on flickr, licensed under the Creative Commons.

I became increasingly attracted to skinny artists with dark curly hair. Although that had always been my type, Seth Cohen pushed my preference into a borderline obsession. When that category proved too narrow, I broadened my sights to dark curly haired guys in general. My boyfriend at the time, an unfortunate blonde, was not amused.

To this day, I’ve noticed my preferences shift according to whatever persona I’m enamored with at the time. For instance, I’m currently fascinated by one Chuck Bass. I know that beneath that Byronic facade, he really just wants to be loved — an oddly romantic concept. But the Seth-Cohen-type will always have a special place in my heart, as it was the one that started it all.

But dissatisfaction is the key term here. Too much of pop culture involves an unrealistic romance, loaded with the cutest possible gestures and acts specifically thought up to drive you crazy. Just think about all the crazed females and what they’ve been obsessed with over the years.

The Notebook was intensely popular for a while. Everyone wanted to find ‘their Noah’ — the kiss in the rain has practically become iconic. Nicholas Sparks in general has been a soothing read for middle-aged housewives craving a little romanticism in their bland realities. A friend of mine claims Sparks “ruined her life by telling her true love exists.” Case closed.

Am I claiming that pop-culture has destroyed people’s sanity in the quest for the perfect romance? Yes, or at least it’s contributed heavily to the cause. I mean, how many times have you been watching a show or reading a book and thought “Why not meeee? Why will this never happen in real life?” Doesn’t every girl deserve her happy ending? Yes, but unfortunately perfection only exists in Josh Schwartz’s mind. And he takes a perverse pleasure in destroying it.

Summary

Lily, Rufus and Jenny cook Thanksgiving dinner. Photo courtesy of the CW.

• Blair’s miffed that Cyrus and the Roses are overtaking her Waldorf Thanksgiving. When Dorota lets it slip that the couple’s gotten secretly engaged and plans to reveal it over turkey dinner, she runs away and forsakes her favorite holiday. She’s feeling fairly unloved but realizes she was wrong when her mom’s surprise turns out to be Daddy, come for a surprise visit.
• Aaron the artist, who just won’t go away, has decided to commit to Serena and be a “one-woman man.” Huge sacrifice I’m sure, since a guy of his caliber could date a number of gorgeous rich girls. Turns out one of his deal-breakers is a girl who is “wild, parties, drinks,” since he has decided to be sober. No bad influences. Serena panics and lies, trying to hide her past from the new BF. Too bad Aaron runs into Dan in the store, and the two discover they have conflicting ideas of who Serena is. I wonder who’s right? Aaron confronts her, but she panics again and says Dan’s just a jealous liar. When Aaron confronts Dan (so confrontational), Dan plays along and apologizes for lying, cause he’s the nice guy Serena needs to get back with now kthx. Serena’s conscience gets the better of her, and she leaves Aaron her file (getting to that later), letting him read all about her past and then decide what he wants to do. In an uncharacteristically nice move, he returns the file unread and says he only wants to hear what she wants to tell them. Boo for the happy couple.
• Eric discovers Bart has a PI keeping tabs on the entire family. Chuck shows him the secret files, and let’s just say it’s fairly creepy. Eric reveals the files, which pisses off Lily and makes her take the kids to the Humphreys for Thanksgiving, sans Bart of course. They stop at their now traditional diner, where Eric says he read Lily’s file and saw that she was institutionalized when she was 19, like he was. Lily doesn’t want to talk about it though, which must mean it’s something big. So after cutely calling the Humphrey loft “the place that most feels like home,” Lily pairs up with Rufus to have a cutesy Thanksgiving after all. While Bart, sitting creepily outside, sends in a call to find out exactly why his wife was put in a sanitarium. There will be drama.
• Jenny’s been secretly crashing with Eric, who goes with her to get the emancipation papers. She seems reluctant to do so, since it means her family will have to be investigated. Lily finds out and tries to arrange a reconciling meeting between Rufus and Jenny, which becomes urgent after she finds the papers. Rufus realizes he needs to be kind and understanding and tells Jenny he loves her and wants her home. Although she’s distressed, a run-in with Blair and Eleanor Waldorf convinces her that Rufus really loves her, and she should go home. And so, the cycle of bitch-nonbitch Jenny proceeds to the nonbitch stage. She finally washes off her raccoon eyes, reverting her back to a normal person. And the Humphrey family is reunited and happy once more.
• Nate and Mommy Archibald are back in town, although Nate appears to have no friends, having alienated everybody with the whole Humphrey situation. Well Mommy has a holiday surprise for Nate — Fugitive Daddy’s back in town! And he wants the Archibalds to move down to his Caribbean paradise together. An FBI agent contacts Vanessa (of all people, how would the FBI connect Vanessa to Nate?), and she brings him and Chuck down to talk with the man. The FBI believe that the Captain is planning to hold Nate and Mommy for ransom, since Mommy is a Vanderbilt whose parents have lots of money. Nate confronts his dad and gives him an ultimatum: turn himself in or escape and lose his son forever. The Captain finally chooses the honorable thing, although Mom’s devastated. But they get the house back, Nate kind of asks Vanessa out, and him and Chuck are back to BFFs. BUT WAIT. Although Vanessa and Jenny reconcile (Jenny says she doesn’t think Nate ever really liked her), V finds the letter Nate sent before he left town. She steals it, reads it, then keeps it from Jenny. Behind-the-back what?

Thoughts

• Jenny’s hair looked weird again this week. When she was wearing her red-checkered flannel, she strongly resembled a hick-lumberjack. You don’t know how much I rejoiced when she washed off her eye makeup, although since she’s been wearing it for a while she looked a bit odd. Still, so much more wholesome and cute, hair looked better too. Now what have we learned little J?
• Bart Bass is a total creeper. End.
• Aaron’s Serena-face collage/montages are also totally creeper.
• I love the Thanksgiving episodes. So many happy feelings, warm fuzzies. It seems that balance in the GG-verse has been restored. Families reunited, friendships rekindled. Now we just need some normal relationships, and all will be well.
• I sense a Nate/Vanessa/Jenny love triangle coming. This does not please me. How does Nate so nonchalantly ask Vanessa out again? What a pimp.

Quote

Blair: Remember, Serena doesn’t share.
Serena: Remember, Blair should learn to.

Next Time

Unfortunately, we must wait two weeks for the next episode. Looks good though, there appears to be some sort of winter ball and relationships galore. I believe the quote was “if you only had one night left to live, who would you spend it with?” Prepare for Nate/Vanessa/Jenny, Serena/Aaron/Dan, Chuck/Blair and Rufus/Lily/Bart. Good stuff.

SPOILER ALERT!

This episode, like pretty much every other one in season five, is chock-full of plot and character revelations. Michael, ever the optimist, goes to Canada with Andy and Oscar to make a big sale. For David Wallace, Dunder-Mifflin’s chief financial officer, this is a chance to make up to Michael for transferring Holly (the proverbial yin to Michael’s yang) to New Hampshire. It all starts off well, as Andy tries hooking Michael up with the concierge, Marie, and it seems to have been a success. But then she kicks him out of her room. At the end of the episode, Steve Carrell busts out his acting chops and confronts Wallace on the phone. Hopeless and down about his entire situation, this is arguably Michael’s best moment thus far. The moment is genuine, and one of the the few in which Michael really gives in to his emotions without feeling the need to maintain his pride.

Meanwhile, back in Scranton, Ryan tries desperately to win over Kelly. Eventually, through some pretty weak pick-up strategies, he impresses her enough to take him back. They make out a lot, and Kelly breaks up with Darryl. And, like always, Darryl’s cool with it. It’s then that Ryan realizes that he’s out of the freezer and into the frying pan. In his words, “I realized that for whatever reason, I just couldn’t do better than Kelly.”

Andy, who goes on the trip to Canada, goes to a bar with Oscar and really bonds with him there. As the night goes on, the two get smashed together. Oscar finds out that Andy and Angela actually have yet to have sex. In what becomes a hard-to watch scene, Andy drunk-dials Angela, who is with Dwight. Andy, too nervous and intoxicated to notice, rambles on about how he wants sex. The next day, we find that Angela’s demoted him to first base, which for Angela, is a kiss on the forehead. Ouch.

Lastly, there’s Pam and Jim. It’s been a hard few months since our beloved Pam went off to New York to study, and there have been a few too many close calls with some of those guys at her school. But whatever, she’s coming back! Jim and the rest of the Scranton staff eagerly await her return. But, no, something isn’t right. Pam calls, and no, it couldn’t be that easy. She’s failed a class, which means she has to stay for another 3 months. At which point, we all turn off the TV and leave.

Well, not really. As with Jim’s proposal, the writers trick us once again. At the end of the episode, Pam shows up at the office, saying she’s decided not to stay to make up her class. So she is coming back!

The Times They Are A-Changin’

Believe it or not, there was a time when not every Office episode came hand-in-hand with a dramatic revelation. Take Season 2’s “The Fight”. Dwight and Michael fight each other in a dojo, and Jim goes a little too far in flirting with Pam, who’s still with Roy. The fight - that is, the comedy - is the focus of the episode. With “Business Trip”, the focus of the episode is the plot and the drama.

Whether you like this or not is up to you. The writers, who know well that their faithful viewers will keep watching, have successfully changed the show to cater to the needs of those who value the relationships above the straight-up comedy. Meet the new Office, now with more universal appeal and a stronger audience draw. Take it or leave it, The Office is still a great show. And if becoming shamelessly dramatic means getting out of Steve Carrell what we got in “Business Trip”, you can most definitely count me in.

Summary

• Jenny, whose hair looks a million times better, has been living with Agnes, her new business partner. They’ve been trying to find someone to support their designs, but Agnes keeps messing up the interviews, generally by being a crazy bitch. Jenny gets fed up with her partner bringing her down and arranges a deal with a company by herself. Too bad she needs parental permission to do business as a minor.
• With the other Humphrey: Dan gets a recommendation from the crazy professor with his Chuck Bass story, and the opportunity to write an exposé on Bart Bass for New York Magazine. It’s the 20th anniversary of Bass Industries, and they’d like Dan to use his connections to dig up some dirt. While Chuck tries to secure some father/son bonding time (cruelly rejected by Bart), Dan sucks up to the boss and gets to shadow him twice a week. Bart even wants to take Dan to the hockey game Chuck bought tickets for. Poor Chuck, neglected by Daddy for Dan. Who’s really just trying to ruin the family’s reputation.
• Blair’s mom has a new boyfriend: Cyrus Rose, who turns out to be Aaron’s dad. While Blair expects “Cary Grant,” she gets “Danny DeVito” — Cyrus is short, old and gives hugs. What a travesty. Actually, turns out it’s Blair’s 18th birthday. You’d think that would be the main focus of the episode, not a background that’s barely mentioned. As a grown woman, Blair resolves to be mature and accept Cyrus, but snaps and begins to plan sabotage. Meanwhile, Aaron and Serena are being all cute and couple-y. He even asks her to model for him, but unfortunately Aaron “the artist” has several other “models” hanging around.
• Agnes gets wind of Jenny’s rebellion and goes psycho. She takes all of Jenny’s designs, throws them in a trash can and lights them on fire. Then she kicks her out on the street. Jenny tries to emotionally blackmail Rufus into signing the papers, but he decides not to. Little J has a major emotional breakdown on the street but takes matters into her own hands when she accepts the business-guy’s offer of emancipating herself from her parents and becoming her own guardian.
• Dan gets a really juicy story about Bart. Apparently Bart burned down a building, collected the insurance money and founded his industrial empire off of that money. Corporate scandal: a journalist’s goldmine. However, he faces the moral dilemma of ruining his friends’ family in the process. After confronting Bart, he discovers the story is true and that there’s more to it: Someone died. But after Chuck pleads with Dan not to publish the story, Dan’s conscience wins out, and he gives his copy of the Chuck Bass story to Bart instead. Nice try, Dan, guess you’re just not cut out for the cutthroat world of journalism. Bart’s touched by the story and decides he wants to know his son. Chuck has a Daddy again!
• Blair sabotages the relationship but learns that Cyrus is actually a nice guy who makes her mom happy and develops a real conscience. Gasp. She reunites the couple but unfortunately they decide that Cyrus should move in. Guess she got more than she bargained for. Serena goes to confront Aaron about the other models but finds out he’s dating other people, since they never said they’d be exclusive. She breaks up with him, but after he comes the next morning to talk (he pulls the whole I-though-you-wouldn’t-be-like-your-parents bit), she decides to prove him wrong and embrace free love. By going to the park wearing a slip. Cool Serena.

Thoughts

• Seriously, I don’t understand how Blair’s 18th birthday is not a bigger deal. Looking back, I barely even remembered it happened. I don’t think Blair Waldorf would stand for that.
• Chuck/Bart bonding was the one of the most heartwarming things I’ve seen in a while. I knew Bart was mean, not because he thought Chuck killed his wife, but because Chuck reminds him of her. Cliché but cute. At least he’s learned that he needs to be more of a father to his son. Chuck deserves to be loved.
• This episode subtly makes journalists look like assholes. Destroy a family to break a story. Reminds me of Medill lectures, when they make us ethically debate between helping a guy on the edge of a bridge or standing there, taking pictures and getting the story. Note: I’d help the guy, I’m not a robot.
• How did Aaron put Serena’s face on a big-screen in Times Square? Also, how is Aaron’s entire problem about him being too popular with the girls?
• Is it just me or is Cyrus’s storyline about the Vietnamese girl eerily similar to Miss Saigon? Not exact, but close enough for me to be like wait, what? He’s just missing an illegitimate love-child.

Quotes

• Blair: “Dorota, are you insane? You used the everyday china, Cyrus will think we’re just common upper-middle class.”
• Hazel: “Even moms have boyfriends. And I don’t.”

Next Week

It’s the Thanksgiving episode! All about the different families, but there seems to be a focus on Nate — good thing, since he was entirely AWOL this week. Looks like Daddy Archibald is back, and the family’s reuniting. But does that mean Nate’s leaving the city for good? Nate’s friends don’t look too pleased.

I’m not the kind of person you’d look at and think, “I bet she’s a black belt.” I’m a short, skinny white girl majoring in journalism whose idea of an “awesome” Saturday night is watching the entire Back to the Future trilogy back-to-back-to-back.

Oh yeah, and to top off that nerdiness, I’m a Scooby; that’s what we hardcore Buffy the Vampire Slayer fans call ourselves. It’s an in-joke — if you get it, you’re one of us.

I became addicted to Buffy the summer after the first season aired, watching reruns on the now-defunct WB. At the time, I was gearing up for the fourth grade, and watching a group of nerds kick vampire ass made me feel incredibly grown up: Buffy wasn’t on Disney or Nickelodeon and was thus a very “adult” show in my eyes.

I’d like to say the strong, kick-ass female who killed the undead with her martial arts skills was what appealed to me, but a feminist appreciation for Joss Whedon’s brainchild wasn’t something I consciously acknowledged during the early years of my love for Buffy. I was drawn, at first, to the fast-paced witty dialogue and, I think, to the fact that HQ was the kind of library I always wished existed in my hometown, but could never find — which might explain why I spend such a ridiculous amount of time in Deering.

The lasting effects of my Buffy addiction are numerous: a box of memorabilia under my bed at home, retrospectively creepy elementary school drawings of Buffy standing victorious over exploding vampires, my dog (named “Xander” after one of the show’s main characters) — but one in particular actually gives me great pride: my black belt in Tae Kwon Do.

For a long time, somewhere in the back of my mind, I held out a hope that maybe the fantasies I was so engrossed in were real. I remember being terribly disappointed that I never received my letter from Hogwarts. Eventually, I outgrew the ability to really believe in the fantasy worlds, but even though I accepted that I wasn’t going to be called as the Chosen One and that vampires weren’t living in romantic basement-apartments, Buffy still seemed like a hero to me. I realized that, unlike Harry Potter, who without the fantasy was just a nerdy orphan, Buffy Summers was pretty amazing even without the help of the Powers That Be.

At around this time (seventh grade or season five of Buffy, for those of you keeping track), the feminist “girl power” admiration I mentioned earlier finally started to kick in. Suddenly, I felt an intense desire to be able to kick something’s ass.

My first attempt at studying the martial arts was short-lived. I joined an after-school class at my middle school, the instructor of which was more interested in showing his pupils off at competitions than in our development. Several months later, in eighth grade, a new school opened right down the road from my house, in a gymnastics facility. The instructor was young and goofy, not at all what I thought a martial artist should be like… which I guess was a strange combination of Jackie Chan, Mr. Miyagi and Giles from Buffy.

Mike, who preferred be addressed by his first name any time formal class wasn’t in progress, didn’t fit the bill of my imagined Frankenstein instructor, but he made Tae Kwon Do feel very personally mine. Because I wasn’t receiving the pop culture version of instruction I’d expected, Tae Kwon Do became, in my mind, something unique that only I was doing. The extremely small class I was a part of helped feed that feeling, I’m sure.

It took me about four years to earn my black belt. For those of you still keeping a time line, I earned my black belt two years after Buffy ended its run. I dedicated as many years to Tae Kwon Do as I did to high school and as I am now to my Northwestern diploma. Earning my black belt is easily my proudest non-academic accomplishment and, to be honest, it beats out most of the academic ones, but I rarely think about it.

When presented with the task to think of an element of pop culture that had changed my life, Tae Kwon Do didn’t enter my mind immediately. Actually, it took most of the quarter for me to even think about it. For something that I’m very proud of, I rarely think about my accomplishments in Tae Kwon Do and I almost never talk about them.

When I started martial arts lessons, I really did just want to be able to kick someone’s ass; the whole “personal growth” aspect was actually a huge turnoff. By the time I got my black belt, I knew I could kick someone’s ass, but those “personal growth” things were ingrained and more important to the ass-kicking part than I’d ever thought they would be. The five tenants of Tae Kwon Do that my young, “cool” instructor required we recite weekly — courtesy, integrity, perseverance, self-control and indomitable spirit — are still etched on my brain and I’m sure they nag at me unconsciously with every decision I make.

Looking back, I don’t feel like I spent that long taking lessons, but it feels like much longer than two and a half years have passed since I stopped. Even though it’s no longer a weekly part of my life, I have absolutely no doubt that I’m a different person than I would be without Tae Kwon Do and, as an extension of that, without Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I mean, seriously, I’ve broken two-inch thick boards with the palm of my hand — if that doesn’t build character and confidence, I don’t know what does.

SPOILER ALERT

The only thing on the girls’ minds this week was go and see. After all, being a model is all about being bankable so that’s exactly what the models had to prove as they navigated their way through Amsterdam’s winding canals on this season’s go-sees.

Challenge

The models arrive at Amsterdam’s Touché Model Management to meet managing director Frederick Koster who sends them on go-sees where they try to meet with five designers under a strict time constraint. If you don’t make it back in time you’re automatically disqualified. The designers they meet will be judging on four criteria: portfolio, runway walk, general appearance, and personality, which will determine the likelihood of being booked for a show. Oh yeah and did I mention they will be looking for these designers by boat? So not only do they have to do their best to impress, but they must travel by canal to each new destination.

This challenge was an absolute race to the finish line, but not everyone made it to the end. Samantha tried to make a good first impression but some of the designers thought that she was more commercial and not edgy enough to be editorial. Out of the four designers McKey met, all of them loved her. She had great energy and they all agreed she had a unique look. Marjorie had the most trouble with directions, and letting her nerves get in the way prevented her from impressing the two designers she managed meet. The designers enjoyed Analeigh’s presentation and said that she was fresh, while Elina faced some harsh criticism from designers and two said they wouldn’t hire her because of her tattoos.

As time winded down four of the girls made it back to Touché but McKey was nowhere to be found. Unfortunately, her tardiness got her disqualified. Which is a bummer because the prize was sweet. For the first time in ANTM history, the winner would receive $18,000 worth of items from each designer. Better get a watch McKey because Analeigh was the prize winner and she didn’t have to share with anyone else.

Photo Shoot

What two things could inspire so much fear it’d make you want to crawl back inside your mother’s womb? Tyra and a camera.

That’s right. This week it was just Tyra and the girls, and it would take a lot more than just a pretty picture to impress this model veteran.

The theme was before and after. She photographed them without makeup in a casual setting, and then with makeup, hair and the works in a high fashion glambitious blowout.

Samantha was first to go. Her before shoot was very relaxed with plain jeans and a t-shirt, and in the after Tyra and Jay Manuel thought that she came alive with the theatrics and makeup to deliver an over-the-top performance.

In the before portion of the photo shoot Marjorie couldn’t relax because she let Tyra’s presence rattle her nerves. They only managed to get one decent shot because she kept jumping up and down like a wild kangaroo. In the glamour shot, she did much better and she let down her guard a little bit.

Analeigh came into the before shoot with her game face on, and did a great job in her glamour shoot as well. In a close second to Analeigh’s impressive photo shoot was McKey who impressed both Tyra and Jay with her signature poses and her in-it-to-win-it attitude.

Elina failed to impress Tyra and Jay Manuel. They complained she became stiff whenever Tyra was just about to snap a photo, and in the glamour shot she failed to let go of her control and model outside the box.

Panel

With only five girls left the stakes are higher than ever, and the prize is getting closer and closer. The judges raved over Samantha’s before photo, saying that it looked like a Calvin Klein campaign ad. Analeigh’s before was amateur for the judges, but her glamour more than made up for it.
For Marjorie, the judges thought that the before was weak and timid but the after showed a strong and vivacious girl. For Elina’s, her before pose came off a bit stiff and carried into her glamour shot. Mckey learned at panel that during the go-see challenge she booked all four designers she met with and would have been the challenge winner had she not been disqualified. The judges really liked her before and after photos, and from her “glammed” out shot, the judges see that Mckey is showing great strides and is improving immensely.

After deliberation Samantha was called first and Mckey was runner-up for best photo. Marjorie was in the bottom two for the first time and Elina was facing elimination for her third time. The judges thought that Elina has a beautiful confidence and that she photographs exquisitely, but is still holding on and not letting herself loosen up. For Marjorie, the judges believe that she stands in her own way because of her nerves.

But only one can stay…

Sorry Elina, the road ends here. The only go and see you’ll be doing is out of the plane window back to America. I think she had her fair share of chances, so it was time for her to peace out.

Stay tuned for more top model. There are only two more episodes left and you don’t to miss out!

Summary

•  Jenny and Agnes, who apparently is a model out of work, are planning a guerrilla fashion show aka crashing a huge philanthropic event with amateur models and designs. Although J’s problems now amount to Nate ignoring her since their “big kiss.” You know, since she wants him so badly. As of one episode ago. Oh teenage love-angst. 
• Meanwhile, Blair and Serena are meeting with a woman who is close friends with Yale’s dean. She actually wanted to meet with Serena, who attended Karl Lagerfeld’s birthday party (which would never happen in real life, come on) and is still super famous, but she brings Blair along, then volunteers B to “babysit” the woman’s 15-year-old daughter, Emma. Well surprise, she turns out to be a baby prostitute who’s on a mission to get laid before her friend does. And she’s blackmailing Blair into helping. Blair’s not pleased, but Serena’s preoccupied with Aaron issues. Yes, her summer-camp sweetheart is back, but it seems he has more than just one extra girl occupying his time. 
• So Dan/Nate are still acting all bff-y, but they unwittingly walk in when J/A are making their great escape. Dan gets wind of Jenny’s scheming and debates on what to do. He’s left with no choice however, when Rufus walks in on him and Vanessa’s deep conversation — ironically also involving V’s lingering feelings for Nate. Dramatic irony much? So the trio chases after Jenny, a little too late. Nate’s been whined into driving Jenny away. It inconveniently turns out to be a reception for Bart and Lily Bass, a little awkward for little J. She has some second thoughts but things turn around when Nate makes out with her again. Why, Nate, why? Of course, the conveniently located girl-with-camera-phone catches them in the act, and sends it to GG. And just guess who sees the blast. One big brother Dan Humphrey. And he is not pleased. 
• At the Bass abode, S/B plot to delay little Emma and keep her safe. Too bad she runs into Chuck Bass, who she immediately tries to seduce. Luckily, Chuck’s a good guy at heart, and she runs away after being rejected. So this trio goes off in search of the little one, finding her at a sleazy bar about to run off with some gross rando. And Blair sees Yale-mom making out with not-her-husband. So Blair thinks she’s found her ticket into Yale but decides to save Emma first. Her and Chuck do, and Blair learns that Emma’s a lot more like her than she thought — acting out to get her mom’s attention. Bitch mom bitches at Emma while she defends Blair, which makes B decide that blackmailing would only hurt the girl. In the end, she gets a call from the dean saying the mom had given a strong recommendation for Blair, and she’s as good as in.
• Basically, Aaron does something sweet, Serena decides to give him another chance and they agree to go out on a date. The typical unrealistically romantic Serena plot-let.
• Meanwhile, at the event: Dan, Vanessa and Rufus come looking for Jenny. Dan finds Nate first, however, and pretty much throws him against the wall, bitches him out for getting with a young’un and kicks him out of the Humphrey house. The fashion show goes down before Daddy can stop it, and it’s actually a huge success. The people love it, and even though I personally would have been kind of weirded out and confused, it was a pretty cool idea. Then Vanessa sees Jenny’s celebratory make-out with Nate and is obviously pissed. Jenny sees this and runs after her, saying something like “I should never have done this.” Ooh, looks like Nate just got dumped by little J. Ouch, the ultimate burn. Rufus tries to turn Jenny into the cops, but anticlimactically Lily saves her ass. 
• In summation: Nate decides he’s leaving town to live with his mom, despite Chuck’s offers of help. Dan decides, since he was unable to get any recommendations for Yale with his writing, that he’s going to write ‘the Chuck Bass story.’ And Jenny runs away from home. So intense.

Thoughts

• Why does everyone conveniently run into each other in front of the Palace Hotel? Is it the only hotel in Manhattan?
• As funny as it was trying to save little Emma’s virginity, she’s only two years younger than Blair. And I’m pretty sure Blair lost her v-card at 16 anyway. Well at least she admitted she loves Chuck still. Although I’m frustrated with those two, they’re still unwittingly cute. Just get together already or get with someone. They’re in relationship-limbo right now.
• Why does Serena get so much attention for things we never see on the show? Her quasi-fame is just getting kind of awkward.
• How does Aaron have so many girls? How can he even get one girl with his man-bang?
• You know, I’ve always wondered how there’s always the conveniently-placed GG poster. I mean, it’s obviously necessary for the show, but think about how creepy that’d be in real life.

Quote

• Nate: She’s a sophomore, I’m a senior. Don’t act like I’m some creepy older guy. (Oh the irony)

Next Week

The preview was kind of a blur, but from what I can tell Dan writes his Chuck story but comes across something that could ruin Bart and the Basses - which does not please Chuck. Also numerous clips of Jenny breaking down, so it seems the life of a runaway is not for her.

Sheena poses for her first international photo shoot on the shores of Amsterdam. Photo courtesy of The CW.

SPOILER ALERT

My sincere apologies for not being “on top” with the top model blog. I’ll give you all a recap of last week’s episode, Now You See Me, Now You Don’t, before we get into this week’s.

Elina and Marjorie discuss their European commonalities, which seem to only include crying. The immigrants stand their ground though as Sheena and Samantha gang up them. (Obviously I’m on team America here. GO USA! There’s so much to be happy about in the Land of the Free.)

The Aswirl Twins from ANTM cycles 6 and 8 returned to show the girls how to incorporate versatility into selling accessory garments. For the challenge, the girls premiered in an avant-garde fashion preview for fashion designer Nony Tochterman’s Petro Zillia invisible model collection. Elina won the challenge and chose Marjorie and Analeigh to accept the prize with her. They were treated to a holiday fashion shoot for “Seventeen” magazine’s December/January issue.

Back at the house, a catfight broke out between Sheena, Marjorie and Elina. Marjorie didn’t have much to say, so Elina spoke up for the both of them.

The girls arrive at a beautiful abode in Bel-Air for this season’s first CoverGirl Commercial where they advertised CoverGirl’s new Eye Enhance Blast Shadows collection. Each model got five takes and a teleprompter, which should have taken the edge off a bit. However, a little too much aswirl and twirl made our girl Joslyn hurl. Joslyn had been sick all week and threw up before her commercial challenge, yet she managed to pull off a decent performance.

Overall: Samantha had great energy, Elina looked pissed off, McKey was a little clueless and Sheena remained fierce as always. Analeigh really rocked the commercial though.

At panel this week it was announced that the girls are going abroad to Amsterdam. But before anyone goes clogging across cobble-stoned Holland, there’s still an elimination to get through.

After deliberation, Analeigh won the honor of best commercial, with Sheena as runner-up. Elina and Joslyn ended up in the bottom two.

Unfortunately, Joslyn got the axe. Although she managed to do the commercial, the judges don’t award pity points. Unless you’re French and awkward. (Not pointing any fingers Tyra…)

This week’s episode: Planes, Trains and Slow Automobiles

The girls arrive in Amsterdam and right off the airplane they meet Daphne Deckers, the host of Holland’s Next Top Model. In order for the girls to learn about their surroundings, Daphne splits them up into groups and challenges them to be the first to arrive at the new house. The winners get 50 extra frames for the next shoot. The team of Elina and Samantha is the first to cross the finish line.

The house is quite splendid, decked out with cycle 10 winner Whitney’s photos, a grand spiral staircase and steaming a hot tub of love. In celebration of their arrival, Elina, Marjorie and Analeigh all decided to take a bath together. I think McKey said it best –- it was like a va-jay-jay shaving party.

Challenge

The girls meet Mr. Jay in the heart of Amsterdam’s famous Red Light District, where they learn about the Red Light Fashion project, which aims to put a new face on Amsterdam’s brothels. Throughout the district there are various locales where prostitutes advertise themselves, and the project looks to turn the brothels into fashion design locales where models can show off designer’s pieces. The girls work in teams for this challenge and must adhere to the designer’s theme.

Elina and Analeigh struggled to make the clothes look good, but Elina handled it with more control.
While McKey and Samantha were supposed to be dolls, but Samantha did a better job looking lifeless and stiff (I like her much better when she’s not talking). Lastly, Sheena and Marjorie were poised to be edgy but high fashion. Marjorie yet again used awkwardness to her advantage and stole the spotlight.

The winning models, McKey and Samantha, will be invited to work for the Amsterdam International Fashion Week.

Photo shoot

Amidst the rocky seas off the coast of Amsterdam, the girls get to wear mid-century dresses with a modern twist aboard a classy Amsterdam ship.

Mr. Jay really loved McKey. She was super creative and you could tell she was trying to break out of her shell.

For Samantha it took some pushing, but she managed to look decent.

Elina stopped paying attention to Mr. Jay altogether, blaming it on her “focus”, something that will not sit well with the judges.

Panel

McKey won and was the first to be called, and Analeigh was the runner-up.

Sheena and Elina were in the bottom two this week. Elina can take a pretty picture, but the judges don’t see a model in front of them, and her control is turning into stiffness in her photos. On the other hand, the judges feel that Sheena is the opposite — full of personality, but not so interested in being in control, with photos at the bare minimum.

So who goes home?
Bon voyage to Sheena, but I don’t think this will be the last we see of her. On another note, team Majorie/Elina has to end, so Tyra please don’t act crazy.

Stay tuned…

Most of the incoming Northwestern class was born in 1990, the year Brenda and Brandon Walsh first started their harrowing tale of fish on a gilded, gold platter. 18 years later, they’ve updated 90210 for a new generation. We’re supposed to relate to this shinier, sexier version more. Whether that’s true or not, oh, how times have changed.

On this week’s afternoon special
OLD 90210: Racism, cheating and date rape are bad
NEW 90210: Letting pigs loose in a rival school’s hallway is okay as long as you’re good-looking and say you’re sorry

Pop culture reference
OLD 90210: The Love Boat
NEW 90210: The Hills

Token minority
OLD 90210: Geeky Jewish girl
NEW 90210: Adopted black guy

Saddest plea for attention
OLD 90210: Fans writing letters for advice to Brenda Walsh
NEW 90210: A blowjob scene within 10 minutes of the first episode

Live act
OLD 90210: Hello Day .
NEW 90210: Tilly and the Wall

Shannen Doherty’s bad girl act
OLD 90210: Getting into schoolgirl tiffs with southern belle Jennie Garth
NEW 90210: Lipsticking the cars of girls who kiss her man (Rick Soloman, co-star of One Night in Paris)

Sex ed
OLD 90210:Sex is bad until you love each other
“You actually do that to him, in real life?”

Incest vibe
OLD 90210: Brother and sister
NEW 90210: Son and father

Washed-up sitcom star
OLD 90210: Saved by the Bell’s Tiffani Theissen
NEW 90210: Beverley Hills, 90210’s Jason Preistly

Identity crisis
OLD 90210: Donna Martin or Donna Morgan?
NEW 90210: Gossip Girl or 7th Heaven?

Denim trend to master
OLD 90210: Acid-washed jeans
NEW 90210: High-waisted hot pants

Class to stay late for
OLD 90210: Algebra with Mr. Brody
NEW 90210: English with Mr. Matthews

Where to start? Well, this season finale featured a lot of twists. Like, enough twists for a season of Lost. So many twists I completely forgot about the worst two minutes of television I’ve seen since Baby Bob (when LC, of The Hills, visited Casey in a dream. No, this really happened). I realize a season finale is meant to simultaneously wrap up loose ends while introducing some new tidbits for next season, but “Hell Week” twisted so much that all the resolved story lines just popped open anew.

Instead of rambling on about every single gotcha! moment, lets take the lazy way out and dole out some awards:

Best Overall Twist — After the “Casey chooses a job over Max” twist, I assumed the writers would never mention the only purely likable character on this show again and just hammer “Casey-Cappie!?” for another three seasons. But then, right near the end, we see Max on the phone with some guy. Who could it be? Only time will tell!

Worst Twist — God tells Dale that he and Rusty will one day be roommates again. God wouldn’t talk to anyone featured in the film Sexdrive. Only “fresh films” for God.

Episode-Saving Twist — The Rusty-Omega Chi chase scene followed by sweet, sweet violence. Can erase any of the sour LC taste.

Twistiest Twist — The last one, with Frannie and the big reveal. Didn’t see that coming.

Most Lasting Twist — Oh god, they played one of my favorite artists, M83, during this episode. I don’t know how to feel.

Summary

It’s hell week (read: hazing week) for the frats, and Rusty is all nervous the Kappa Taus won’t accept him, so he devises a plan that results in everyone getting beat up. Casey debates whether to spend the summer with Max or accept an internship with a senator who luckily has a spot open up at the last second. LC of The Hills appears to Casey in a dream and makes this author want to elbow his TV. Oh, and Frannie breaks away from ZBZ to form her own sorority and takes all the pledges with her, no biggie.

Representations of College

- You always read about hazing, but then the Greek system is all “Oh no, why would we ever do that. We are upstanding gentlemen.” So I’m just going to assume Greek the TV show knows the answer is somewhere in the middle and hazing happens, but it involves taking care of goldfish.

- On that note, though, I’m glad the writers on this show pointed out how homo-erotic hazing (or at least the stereotypical portrayals of it) are. What’s the thrill of putting on women’s clothing? Trust me, I’ve done it (IT WAS FOR A SCAVENGER HUNT, GOSH) and I needed to eat three Baconators after just to feel a little better about my masculinity. Then my heart exploded.

- Long distance relationships…an issue college students sometimes face. And an issue Greek hasn’t touched on in a while.

Examples of Greek’s Bad Writing in Action Minus the LC Dream Sequence Because It’s More of a Commentary On Society

- One of the KT pledges calls his nipples “his pepperoni.” People don’t do this in real life, right?

- Everything Casey says to Max during the dramatic “It’s not you, it’s my internship” scene sounds straight off the Facebook page of a girl who has watched Rent too many times. “No regrets, Max, no regrets.” Nice, now tell me the one about dancing like no one is watching.

Closing Question — Now that LC appeared on this show and beat out that guy from Wildfire for “best guest appearance on Greek,” who can the show possibly bring in next season? Axl Rose as Cappie’s father? McLovin as a new KT pledge? Jimmy the Greek as Rusty’s lovable racist grandpa?