I asked him what he was doing. “I’m hanging out with this girl in a little bit,” he said frantically, heading to the fridge to grab another beer. “She’s already drunk and I need to make out with her.” Soon he headed off, face flushed and belly full of Heineken, and he did, of course, make out with the girl.

It’s not difficult to conclude that quite a few of the intimate social interactions at this school are aided by alcohol. For some of the four out of five college students who drink, alcohol acts as a relaxant, reducing inhibitions and making them act more “informally.” One study found that drinking to relieve social discomfort is a common practice.

To anyone who drinks, this is preaching to the choir. Getting drunk with that guy or girl you’re interested in can definitely help ease you into something more than casual. It also makes for easy excuses, like “Lucas, I’m sorry—I was drunk. I didn’t know what I was doing. Stop calling me.” But what happens when the guy or girl you have an eye on turns out to be — oh no, oh god — a non-drinker? You’re screwed, aren’t you? Do you know how stupid a drunk person looks to a sober person, especially when said drunk person is hitting on said sober person? Let’s imagine a scene for a moment between inebriated me and sober girl:

“Heeeeeeyyyyyyyyyy theeeeeerrrrre, guuurrrrlllllll.”
“Hi, Lucas.”
“And how might you be doing on this wonderful, wonderful evening of evenings this evening?”
“I’m fine, thanks.”
“Oh wow, now that is great. Just great. Let me tell you how great that is. This (stretches arms out as wide as possible) great.”
“That’s a lot of great.”
“Sure is. Do you like candy? I love candy. Yum. Do you like candy? Want to hook up?”
“No.”
“You don’t like candy? That’s weeeeeirddddd.”
“I love candy.”
“Ha, LAUGH OUT LOUDZ, then why did you say you didn’t like candy?”
“I didn’t. I said no to hooking up with you.”
“And why in the world would you ev-(hiccups)-er say something like that?”

Failure seems imminent. If a person doesn’t drink and you do, it can feel like you’re being forced to revert back to lame high school dating tactics. But truly, you don’t need to be drunk to hook up. Try good, old-fashioned dating tactics (which means don’t do what I have done). As weird as it sounds, one surprisingly effective way to do this is to call your parents for advice. Binge drinking among college students continues to increase — it’s likely your parents weren’t getting wasted all the time when they met, so hopefully their minds will be ripe with suggestions. My parents went to the movies on their first date. (My dad proceeded to tell my mother at the box office: “I’ll pay this time, you pay the next time.” I wonder where I received my poor dating habits.)

Though movies are fine, I would recommend something that I don’t do, but probably should: going out for coffee. Although talking tends to be discouraged at movies, coffeehouses are usually great social atmospheres just begging for cutesy, first-sort-of-date conversations (and in case you didn’t know, you hermit, these places have all sorts of other drinks if coffee isn’t your thing).

Alcohol has always been fuel for sex, dating back to the days of Dionysus. But it doesn’t have to be. Although college is probably the place where it’s most socially acceptable to use drinking to ease social anxiety and encourage hook-ups, it isn’t the only way. If intensely pounding beers alone in your room is the first thing you think of when you want to chill out and have a good time with someone, you might consider reevaluating your reasons for doing so. Don’t get so dependent on alcohol that you grow up to be that coworker who’s always sloshed at the holiday party.

The worst of it happened a few years back, when I went through a short “pink polo” phase. My friend bought me a tiny, tight pink shirt in Japan and, for some unknown reason, I wore the thing constantly. Last time I was home for Spring Break, I found the shirt buried in one of my drawers and tried it on again, just for kicks. Wow, I thought while looking in the mirror. I was an idiot in high school. The sleeves barely made it over my shoulders (I haven’t grown since then, either), the length was dangerously close to being belly-dancer-worthy — and it was freakin’ pink.

Though wearing the shirt was terrible in itself, my biggest mistake had to have been wearing that little monstrosity when I met the parents of the girl I was semi-dating. (Not completely dating, but we hung out a lot, did other things…)

I remember walking into her house like a doofus: all pink, trotting right up to her mom and introducing myself without a care in the world.

I thought everything was going well. The conversation moved into the casual, and I figured we were on track to bridge the generation gap. Soon we were talking about how awesome last night’s episode of Two and a Half Men was, and laughing giddily at how our wry sense of humor and love of Charlie Sheen matched up so impeccably well.

Then it all fell apart. I think it was when I mentioned that I legitimately enjoy an episode of Gilmore Girls every now and then. (Rapid-fire, quick-witted dialogue just gets me.) And then, in a completely serious, wide-eyed way, the girl’s mom asks me:

What the hell, lady? Are you serious? Thinking about it now still makes me angry. First of all, I’m not gay. Second of all, neither is watching Gilmore Girls.

At the time, I just stopped dead. As my semi-girlfriend started chuckling next to me and my face became the color of my idiotic shirt, I could only muster up a weak, gulp-in-the-middle,

I turned to face the still-laughing girl and felt myself shrinking into nothing. I knew it was over. A week later, we semi-broke-up. (It’s how you end semi-relationships.)

To tell the truth, I’m usually awesome at those types of things. Don’t look so surprised — moms love me. It’s more than just dropping the “I go to Northwestern” bomb, which works wonders: I just have a way with them. One mom still even sends me a care package filled with my favorite cookies, brownies and banana bread during Finals Week of every quarter. No joke. I swear. And, man, she is really good at baking.

But having parents swoon over your greatness doesn’t mean anything unless it rings true with the person you are dating. Some girls have this weird “Juliet” complex where, to really like a guy, they need their parents to eternally hate him. Trust me, getting her dad to want to play golf with you or getting her mom to agree to a “mall day” is a far cry from ensuring that your dating partner is hanging out with you next weekend. On the other hand, some girls need mommy’s and daddy’s approval (this is where I like my chances). In that situation, well, at least you’ve got your work cut out for you.

So step up with courage. (And please, normal clothing.) If meeting the parents doesn’t go well, it’s not the end of the world. She figured you were worthy enough to meet the people who birthed her in the first place, which is what really counts — after all, her parents aren’t the ones dating you.

Now flash back to the first time you exercised that dorm room freedom to finally hook up without worrying about parents/siblings/pets walking in on you and discovering that the beds really are as narrow as the sheets warned. Whoever designed dorm room beds was an advocate of abstinence.

I’ve spent the past three years of my college experience trying to navigate the mechanics of the dorm room hook-up, with little success. Sometimes, one leg falls off the bed as one partner is squished against the wall. Even worse, someone falls off the bed, sustaining the “sex injury” (something we all like to pretend we’re embarrassed about, but actually love to share). Last February, a friend came back from studying abroad and was eager to spend the night with an old partner from the previous year. After a night of drinking, she got back to his room and attempted to jump on the top bunk of his bed. Instead of pleasure, she got hours of pain and suffering after breaking her leg. Word to the wise: Alcohol and the top bunk are like oil and water.

When I began dating my first Northwestern boyfriend halfway through freshman year, I figured the awkward make-out sessions on his bed were either a) my fault, being nervous and inexperienced, or b) his fault (I told myself this was more probable). Instead of rolling over to try something new, I found that changing positions meant awkward conversations that sounded like air traffic control. “You move this way,” I would say. “No, I’m going to move that way,” he would reply.

When navigating the awkward waters of the dorm room hook-up, there are a few alternatives to try. Use your desk chair — while this can get uncomfortable, it mixes things up from the regular on-the-bed routine. The floor is another option, but the thin rugs cause sore backs and rug burns the next day, so throw down a couple of blankets before getting down to business. And while my friends have hooked up in random spots around campus — the library, the Rock, the Lakefill, the Shakespeare Garden, LR2 in Tech — many of these places produce more paranoia or painful bruises than pleasure, so proceed with caution.

Try as we might to find fun alternatives, the dorm bed is by far the easiest and most accessible hook-up spot on campus. Those who still struggle with the awkwardness should realize that the first few times you hook up with anyone are always awkward, but once you can communicate with the other person without getting nervous, you can start making suggestions as to how you want to maneuver. After even more time with that person, hopefully you won’t have to say anything at all and a natural rhythm will guide you better than anything.

A friend of mine put it this way: “I’m always thinking, ‘Can you get off me, you’re kind of hurting me?’ But you can’t say that to the other person.” Many times, she said, one of her limbs falls asleep and she politely waits for him to move instead of asking him to shift. In an ideal world, housing would add six inches of width to all of our beds. But after almost three years or awkward air traffic controlling, I’m not so polite anymore. At some point, you have to learn to get over your fears and insecurities, and wear that metaphorical orange vest with pride. If I’m willing to laugh at myself and appreciate that hooking up in dorm rooms is something I can only experience in college, I might as well just enjoy the awkwardness of it all while I still can.

Anyway, all over the stage people are going crazy, rubbing all up on each other, spinning each other around — you get the idea. We all get the idea. When it gets warm, people get horny. It’s scientific, or something. No, really. All that sunlight that comes with spring actually jump starts a gene called POMC, which adjusts some bodily chemicals and increases the amount of certain hormones in the brain: MSH and beta endorphin, for you science majors. Lucky for us humans, when introduced to the brain, these wonderful chemicals spark euphoria and sexual arousal. Ohhh yeahhh.

Want to see this in practice? Take sorority girls, for instance. Don’t think that when you lay out on your front lawns in your tiny bikinis, girls, that people think you’re only just sunbathing. There’s a freaking beach two minutes away with sand, water and a much lower probability that you’ll get a funny tanline from the shadow of a tree. We know you’re up to something. (Note: But there’s really no need to stop, okay? Please?)

As soon as it stops raining and being cloudy, I’m sure all sorts of stuff is going to start “bustin’ out.” Think about it for a second. More people are going outside now, especially in the first month of this whole sunshine thing, and they are actually happy to be there. Somewhere in an alternate dimension where everything happening on earth is shown in graph form, a line is shooting up exponentially on the chart that reads, “Chances of Meeting Someone Cool and Going on a Date/Scoring with Them in the Future.”

Even Table for One is getting optimistic — something you probably never thought would happen after reading about awkward dates and terrible breakups. But spring does some crazy things. Compare the differences in these hypothetical dating scenarios:

My typical, non-spring date:

Two people, a guy and a girl, sit at a small table, probably candlelit, in some overly swanky restaurant. The girl has a does-this-guy-know-how-to-formulate-a-single-competent-phrase-in-his-mind kind of look on her face, while the guy occasionally opens his mouth, as if to speak, but then thinks the better of it.

Then, in one big gulp, the girl downs her glass of wine and grabs a passing waiter by the arm, the glass still touching her lips.

Girl: Can I get another glass, please?

Waiter: Uh, yes sure, sure. Just let go of me.

The waiter leaves.

Guy: Don’t you think six glasses of wine is plenty for one meal?

Girl: No. Don’t tell me what’s right and what’s wrong.

Guy: I was just trying…

Girl: Not needed.

Guy: Gotchya.

Some silence.

Guy: So, um, how was your day today?

Girl: Fine.

Guy: Great. Mine was pretty fine as well. We have something in common!

Girl: Not funny, try again.

Guy: I’m having a great time…

Girl: Now THAT is hilarious.

Ok, now just imagine this date happened in SPRING!

Same guy and girl sitting at a small table. Candlelit. The girl has her elbows on the table, leaning toward the guy on the other side, her face in her hands, her eyes transfixed dreamily on the guy.

Guy: How about this weather?

Girl: It’s amazing. I love it. I love it oh-so-much. You are so good-looking and smart.

Guy: Why thank you, miss. Ditto.

She giggles, giddily.

Girl: You’re funny, too. I think I’m going to pay for dinner and then take you back to my place, and, if it’s okay, serve you Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream while I watch you play Super Smash Brothers. Invite your friends.

Guy: Really?

Girl: Definitely. But then when you guys are done, I’ll kick everyone out and we can have some time alone. You can pick the music.

Guy: Is this some sort of crazy dream?

Girl: Nope, I’m just really horny because it’s spring.

So there you go. Get out there, people. The sun is shining, the weather is warmer and all that past winter crap is behind us. This whole arousal in spring thing is in our biology — why not just give in?

A creepster who’s perfected the art of the Shady Man Mating Dance. Take note of the artfully exposed chest hair, scruff-and-stache combo, and quasi-wistful expression of mystery. Photo by jason.lengstorf on Flickr, licensed under the Creative Commons.

If your preference is older men, look no further than Evanston’s very own The Keg. These creepsters can often be spotted in their natural habitat, sulkily lurking around the dance floor looking for younger prey (girls around their daughters’ age). This breed of creepster is quite a dependable species, so if you don’t find your Mr. Creepy on the first Keg excursion, there’s always next Monday to meet another!

If older men aren’t for you, the Northwestern 2012 Facebook group is a great place to start looking for those baby-faced heartbreakers. Here you’ll find high school seniors eager to find a way into your wise and experienced heart. Comparing SAT scores and “playing the question game” are two great ways to warm up a prospie before really getting to know them. These creepsters-in-training are extra-great if you’re a multi-tasker — you can have your lover while simultaneously honing your peer advising and babysitting skills on the side.

Some girls complain that since Northwestern is a major university, they can’t find that motorcycle-riding bad boy that they’ve been looking for. Ladies, look no further than Burger King. While chances are high for sighting a bad-boy-creepster even in the daytime, these relatively nocturnal creatures come out in droves at the prime hour of 2:30 a.m. Just be careful that the police don’t find them first.

If you prefer a more introverted breed of creepster, you can find one right here on campus in the Plex Dining Hall. Since everyone in Plex lives in singles, these brooding introverts are eager for some love and human contact. They are easily approachable because they hardly ever sit in groups, so pull up a chair and strike up a conversation. This might be easier to do in the East dining hall, where you can casually say something like “What sauce are you putting on your pasta?” in the made-to-order line. As an added bonus, maybe you’ll get invited back to his single, and you’ll never have to worry about sexiling a nonexistent roommate.

If you’re not into starting a relationship, joining your regional network on Facebook is sure to attract a less-committed creepster. He’ll probably peruse your profile and poke you (and we all know what that means). If it’s been a day and you haven’t gotten a poke yet, try using a more seductive profile picture. Ditch that picture of you and your friends all sweaty at DM for a close-up of you looking your best. You might want to browse through the MySpace graveyard for inspiration. It should also be noted that since creepsters are quite paranoid, they will always believe you’re hiding something. In order to gain his trust, understand that the less clothes you wear in the picture, the more honest you’ll appear.

But don’t be frightened, because if you’re not looking for something serious it’s easy to turn down this virtual flattery. Just remove him from your friends list or block him from your profile. Getting rid of a creepster can be just as easy as finding one in the first place.

Anyway, summer ended and I needed to get out of this thing. Luckily, we went to different schools — the perfect excuse to go into “slow-fade mode.” Slow-fade mode entails an increased level of busyness, grounded-ness, or, if you’re really mean, using the plain old ignoring technique. I went with busyness.

Breaking up is hard for everyone. For me, or at least past-me, it is a long, arduous process involving carefully missed phone calls, a huge project due at a certain “unfortunate” time and, often, my parents grounding me for unspecified incidents, rendering me helpless and indefinitely locked in my room.

In truth, the break-up is one of my (and really, it’s anyone’s) biggest weaknesses when it comes to dating. While some can go right ahead and rip off the Band-Aid in a curt, to-the-point verbal confrontation (which is still hard), for most of my dating history, I’ve chosen to avoid that moment, instead drawing it out until the strings tying the relationship together pretty much broke themselves. Yes, I avoided any real confrontation, but it was painful and quite douchebaggy.

During slow-fade mode back in sophomore year, I’d talk to the girl online almost every day, telling her just how busy I was every chance I got. I was so busy, I’d say to her, that I probably wouldn’t be able to hang out over the weekend. When she called, I’d pick up the phone and purposely have little to say, going for long silences. It was terrible. And the most terrible part was she just kept coming back for more. Finally, though, it became evident my plan had worked when she instant messaged me one night:

I thought I was off the hook, until a few weeks later when she asked me to come to her school during lunch because she “wanted to talk.” Soon after, a friend told me she was planning on asking me out again.

I most regret what follows (though I regret this all): By the time lunch rolled around, I purposely took an extra-long time getting there. With my brand-new license, I took all the side streets, stopping at stop signs for way too long and driving slowly enough that I probably could have been ticketed. I got to her school with five minutes left in her lunch hour.

Extremely flustered, she quickly made her case. I just had to turn her down. I gave her a hug and got back in my car. But while driving home, I felt so incredibly bad just thinking about how she had worked up the courage to do all this and I had practically made a joke out of it by taking so long to get there. And on top of that, I had been indirectly ignoring her for the past month. It all added up to me being plain horrendous.

This may have happened more than four years ago, but we all know this still happens here today, with even college students acting much younger than 16 in the way they handle break-ups. It’s so easy to just ignore the responsibility to be honest. The excuses are easy to find: you have homework for chemistry, time-consuming meetings for all those clubs you are in, and you seriously, seriously have to do laundry — you’ve been going sockless for a week. But avoiding all forms of confrontation is for the weak. You got yourself into this — now get yourself out. We’re adults, and we’re obligated to act like it, at least in situations like these.

I’d like to think that now-me would not do what past-me has done, and I’d also like to hope that most people would never do some of the things I’ve done when it comes to dating. So please, just rip off the Band Aid. But do it nicely.

Kersigh! Illustration by author.

I don’t want to come off as a know-it-all, because I’m more of a not-at-all with this stuff. But let me try to back this guy up:

My freshman-year roommate was the exact description of the dude above (and sure, I may or may not be included somewhere in there too). In countless bunk-bed-time confessionals, he confided in me his feelings for a girl down the hall. This was within the first few months of the school year — the timing is important.

I would have felt bad for his pining, except that every night this girl would be sitting on his lap for uncomfortable amounts of time in our room (while I diligently and studiously did my homework, Mom). Sure, this was a frustrating distraction for me, but as it turns out, it was pretty frustrating for the girl too.

See, the seasons changed. Leaves fell from trees, the world around us became a frozen hell of wintry mix, and nothing with my roommate’s situation was different. Stagnation. The seasons changed again, the snow melted, animals awoke from their cute little hibernating holes and started copulating and… still no change.

This is when the girl had finally had enough. One night, after spending time at the beach (c’mon!), she just grabbed him, pulled him in and kissed him. You’d think that would be the end, wouldn’t you? It wasn’t.

Even after another round of late-night confession sessions, the man still couldn’t get himself right. He was unsure, he was scared. But ever so slowly, with more time, he gained some confidence and by the end of the year (pretty much on the last day of school) they were finally, finally together. (Aw, I know.)

Talking to her now, the lady in question says it just took some gumption (for the kiss part) and some patience (no kidding). And judging by how happy they are after eight months together, I’d say this is a good model to go by.

If he really does like you, alls you got to do is go out on a limb and make sure there is no way he can not know how you feel. The going-out-on-a-limb part is tricky, but if you’ve liked him for a long time, he must be worth it, and it’s got to be better than being in this weird, middle state where everything’s up in the air. It’s a risk to put yourself out there with some outlandish romantic act, and an extremely tough risk at that, considering there is usually so much on the line. Human emotions, for example. You know, that bothersome stuff that can make you not want to get out of bed for a few days.

If he still does zilch afterward, then that’s where the patience part comes in handy. But if he’s a total slacker even after that, you have two scenarios: He’s a slacker and he’s not worth it, so forget about it and move on; or he’s a slacker, so sit down and talk to him and convince him to be with you. A good way to convince him might be to say something along the lines of, “Holy Jesus, I waited an entire school year for you! Doesn’t that mean anything?!” That should at least get you a free dinner or a movie or a something.

Relying on the mantra that we do, in fact, learn from our mistakes, this column will involve my answering your relationship questions in the only ways I know: by telling you what I would do in your situation, what I have done in your situation or by making up something awesome. Just don’t do what I would do. Or did. No seriously, don’t. If you don’t do what I would do, your chances of success will increase by, I’d say, at least 130 percent — and that’s a pretty good number.

For a moment now, I will let you into my dating life by giving you a symbolic scene that… may or may not have actually happened, but is symbolic nonetheless. Here we go:

Two people, a girl and a guy, have come together to the Century movie theater. They slowly make their way through the ticket line, kind of just nodding to each other as they wait to get to the cashier.

“This movie’s going to be pretty great, I know it. The trailer: so good,” the guy says.

“I haven’t seen it.”

“You should, it’s a pretty good trailer.”

“I think after I see the movie, there won’t really be much need to see the trailer.”

“Ah, good point, good point.”

Eventually, they make it up to the front. The guy goes first while the girl waits behind. He walks up to the box office and stops for a second, thinking, Should I buy her a ticket? I might look pretty nice if I bought her a ticket. I did ask her to come here with me, and I think I made it rather obvious that I wanted just her to come. And she came alone. Didn’t even ask if a friend could come or anything. I think I’ll buy her a ticket.

“Two for Balls of Fury, please.”

“Sure, that’ll be $800.”

The guy takes the tickets and starts to walk away from the box office, putting his change away. Turning around, he sees the girl at the box office, buying her own ticket. Crap.

“Wait, don’t buy a ticket,” he says.

The girl looks confused. “Why not?” They look at each other for a moment.

“Because.”

“Because…”

“Uh…um…because…I sort of…bought you a ticket.” The cashier guy is now looking at both of them. So is everyone in line.

“Why would you do that?”

“Because…uh…I dunno. I just thought…”

“I think I’m going to buy my own.”

“Okay, that’s a good idea too.”

See what I mean? Send me your questions at l-koppel@northwestern.edu.

Vanessa Lee, a Weinberg junior, heads the social committee of her sorority, Alpha Chi Omega. As a student-event planner, she says not to let stress overtake Valentine’s Day — particularly for guys.

“Girls really don’t care as much as guys might think,” Lee said.

Instead of letting guilt and stress overtake your Valentine’s Day — what should (extremely theoretically) be a stress-free, lovey-dovey holiday for couples — allocate 15 to 30 minutes of your day to a quick, fun and romantic date. Or, if you are one of the magical few with an abundance of free time, string all the following ideas together to create an intense Valentine’s super-date.

Go traying
Make the best of the expected snow on V-day. Wear a big jacket to dinner and smuggle two trays from the dining hall. At night, when the campus is dark, cold and quiet, take your makeshift sleds to Deering Field or that random hill next to the Norris sidewalk and go sledding. After you finish sledding, have a snowball fight, suggests Weinberg freshman Andy Kim. If you still have time afterward, make hot chocolate to warm your freezing toes.

Cuddle with hot chocolate
Weinberg freshman Sarah Gregory recommends taking a trip to your nearest dining hall and swiping marshmallows and hot cocoa. Grab two cute mugs, and use your nearest microwave (or, in a dorm, an illegal hot pot) to make hot chocolate. Kick out your roommate and curl up in your bed with the lights off and music loud. Accompany this romantic evening with traditional Valentine’s gifts: a box of chocolates and flowers.

Hit up the arcade
Norris has a game room. If that doesn’t come as a shocker to you, grab your date and head to the underground level of Norris for all the Dance Dance Revolution, ping-pong, foosball and billiards you could want. The game room is open until 11 p.m. There is a small fee for billiards and ping-pong: $3 and $2 per hour, respectively. For a quick snack, the game room sells popcorn for 25 cents a bag, making it potentially the cheapest date you’ve ever had.

Break out your classical piano skills
Borrow a music student’s WildCARD (or use your own if you are one of the elite) and escape to the practice rooms in the Beehive or Regenstein. Already established as a good place to hook up, take a classier turn and practice your piano and serenading skills ahead of time. Bonus points if you have rhythm, but even the most tone-deaf Chem majors can make a striking impression if they can plunk out “Frère Jacques” on the piano and rhyme the lyrics with their lover’s name.

Decorate your cookies with all that extra Valentine’s candy.
Photo by Aine D. on Flickr, licensed under Creative Commons.

Bake cookies
Pick up pre-made cookie dough at Jewel-Osco or CVS, then hijack your dormitory’s kitchen. Do your best to shape the cookie dough into hearts before putting them in the oven, but if all else fails, the dough itself is delicious. Entertain yourselves while the cookies are baking, and when they’re done, seal them up in baggies and send them off to class with your significant other. Nothing can keep you going through a boring Psych lecture like fresh-from-the-oven cookies, homemade with love.

Curl up around the TV
If you have a little more time on your hands, order in food and pick an episode of your favorite 30-minute television show. If your room is available, snuggle into your covers and enjoy the brief, entertaining break from your studies. If your roommate is too bogged down with her Feb. 15 midterm (cruel!) to leave, grab some blankets and your laptop and scour the campus for an open classroom.

Brave the frozen tundra
Fill up your coffee mugs, pile on the Under Armour and ski pants (not the hottest style, but I’ll take warm over sexy any day) and head out for a walking tour of snow-covered Northwestern, Lee suggests. Stop by the lakefill and make matching his-and-hers snowmen, complete with carrot noses. Make snow angels in the Shakespeare Garden. Check out how the campus curiously turns into Narnia between University and Swift. If it’s clear — and not windy — outside, end your date with a walk on the beach and a view of downtown Chicago. Make sure to stay a safe distance from the actual water to avoid hypothermia.

Class it up at the BK Lounge
Grab a tablecloth and the nicest plates and cups available to you (at least go with plastic, but glass equals bonus points) and make the trek to Burger King. After the staff laboriously creates your burger your way, take it out of its tender wrappings and arrange your meal on your plate. Other customers may give you odd looks, but ignore them. You are far classier.

Make breakfast in bed… at night
If you have access to a full kitchen, or can sneak into the basement of a sorority or fraternity, cook that special someone a breakfast in bed. Too busy in the morning? Make your breakfast in bed at night, and let them lie in bed and enjoy a dinner of eggs and ham. (Or cereal, depending on your available time and level of dedication.) Breakfast is always ten times more delicious for dinner, anyway.

DIY fondue for two
Don’t have time for Ethel’s Chocolate Lounge? Grab fruit, marshmallows and other dippable substances from the dining hall and make your own fondue. Needed: a microwave-safe bowl, milk and chocolate bars. Add about 1/4 cup of milk for each chocolate bar and stick the concoction in the microwave for around a minute, or until fully melted. Take your melted masterpiece back to your room and enjoy.

Take a stroll down memory lane
Find your favorite board game from your youth. Reminisce about your favorite Nickelodeon television shows, pogo sticks, Pogs and Pokémon while playing a rousing round of Candyland, Chutes and Ladders or Pretty Pretty Princess. Avoid Monopoly unless you are willing to carve out a three-hour chunk of time and have a high tolerance for boredom. Add cotton candy, macaroni and cheese with hot dogs or Pop Rocks for a deliciously childlike experience.

Gifts on a budget
Play a modified version of my personal favorite free-time activity, The Wal-Mart Game, at CVS. If you are too lazy to purchase a legit gift for your partner, this combines a thoughtful present with a fun, quick date. Each person takes $5 and spends 10 minutes searching for gifts. Winner: whoever finds the most gifts within the monetary limit. Technically, though, everyone’s a winner because everyone gets presents, which is the whole point of Valentine’s Day — let’s not fool ourselves.

Photo by Velo Steve on Flickr, licensed under Creative Commons.

The trick is to find a drink with a great name — sexy enough to be intriguing, but not quite as obvious as “Sex Under the Bleachers With a KU Cheerleader.”

“People order drinks they don’t know all the time because of their names,” said Kate Morrill, a bartender at Blu Sushi Lounge. “They really like one called the Easy Lay. I don’t even know what’s in it, but neither do they. I just make what I think it is, and they don’t notice any difference.”

Try to actually know what you’re getting yourself into before you order. Or better yet, master one of these recipes, and make your own sexy cocktails at home.

Champagne

Champagne is the classic drink of romance, and it’s supposedly the best alcoholic aphrodisiac. Many Chicago bars and restaurants feature champagne specials on V-day. Both Blu and Va Pensiero in Evanston are offering champagne specials, but they come with pricey prix-fixe menus. You’d probably be better off making your own special.

Champagne Love Shots: Take a hint from New York’s Five Points Restaurant, which serves five different kinds of Champagne Love Shots before dinner on Valentine’s Day. These are ridiculously easy to make, as well as super-classy.

What you’ll need:

• Champagne
• 2 tbsps. fruit puree (Five Points uses raspberry, passion fruit, blood orange, peach and pomegranate, but the choice is up to you)

Directions: Spoon puree into a champagne flute and pour champagne over it. It doesn’t get much simpler, Romeo.

Goodnight Kiss: If you’d rather have champagne at the end of the meal (or later), the Goodnight Kiss is another simple but sweet option. It takes less than a minute to make, and you’ll still look like one hell of a sophisticated date.

What you’ll need:

• Champagne
• Campari
• 1 sugar cube
• Angostura Bitters

Directions: Put one drop Angostura Bitters on the sugar cube and drop it into the champagne flute. Fill with champagne and add a splash of Campari on top.

Martinis

Photo by monstershaq2000 on Flickr, licensed under Creative Commons.

Ladies, if a peach martini arrives in front of you, chances are that guy down at the end of the bar has had his eye on you all night. “Guys like to send girls fruity drinks,” said Morrill, who has seen her fair share of martini-passing in her nine years as a bartender. “That’s usually their first choice. Here, they like to send the Ecstasy martinis, or one of the fruit-flavored ones.”

Blu features a fruit basket of martinis, with flavors like peach, pear and even ginger. The Ecstasy is the undisputed crowd favorite, especially among women. The martini combines pomegranate vodka, strawberry liqueur, sweet and sour and cranberry juice in one delicious, bright pink concoction.

But never fear, broke college students. If your budget (or birthdate) won’t let you take advantage of the $10 martinis at Blu, there are tons of simple fruity drinks you can make on your own, with the help of a trusty cocktail shaker. This way, you won’t even need a bartender to pass them to your lady.

Red Hot Lover: Go ahead, flatter yourself. After all, your drink should give your date the right impression. A hefty combination of all that is fruity, alcoholic and delicious, this cocktail says it all with just three words.

What you’ll need:

• Vodka
• Peach schnapps
• Grenadine
• Strawberry juice
• Orange juice

Directions: Combine 2 oz vodka, 2 oz peach schnapps, a dash of grenadine and 2.5 oz. each of strawberry and orange juice in a cocktail shaker. Shake well for a few seconds, and pour into an ice-filled hurricane glass.

Sweet Release: The ultimate sugary, fruity drink, featured at NYC’s Torch restaurant. It’s even the right color for Valentine’s Day!

What you’ll need:

• 2 fresh strawberries
• 4 fresh raspberries
• Spiced rum
• Powdered sugar
• Sweetened cream

Directions: Mix 1.5 oz. rum and 1 tsp. sugar, then soak strawberries and raspberries in mixture. Slightly whip cream, then swirl together 1/3 rum-berry puree with 2/3 cream in a champagne flute. Garnish with extra berries to complete the look.

Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby

Photo by ilmungo on Flickr, licensed under Creative Commons.

Half the fun of drinks is trying not to giggle when you order them. (The other half is actually drinking them. Did you really have to ask?) We may never find out what the “Easy Lay” is made of, but at least we have these other scandalous cocktails to keep us warm.

Sex’n’Honey: I’m sold; anything with this name has got to be good. This drink, from Fat Fish in West Hollywood, features a sweet honey-flavored vodka from New Zealand that has the bragging rights of being the world’s southernmost vodka. It’s also made using water from below an extinct volcano(!). If a New Zealand volcano vodka isn’t going to get you sex, then, well, I just don’t even know.

What you’ll need:

• 42 Below Manuka Honey vodka
• Pineapple juice
• Amaretto almond liqueur
• Cracked black pepper
• 1 piece of star anise (optional; to garnish)

Directions: Combine 2 oz. vodka, 2 oz. pineapple juice and 1 oz. liqueur in a cocktail shaker with ice. Add a dash of black pepper and shake. Strain into a martini glass, then garnish with another dash of pepper and a piece of star anise.

Ménage à Trois: This is probably the only way you’ll ever get away with suggesting this, so enjoy it while it lasts. Then again, if it’s good enough, maybe she’ll want the other one…

What you’ll need:

• Dark rum
• Triple sec
• Light cream

Directions: Fill shaker halfway with ice cubes. Combine 1 oz. of each ingredient, shake well, and strain into a cocktail glass.

Sex Panther: It doesn’t sound sexy so much as it brings to mind some kind of intriguing super villain. Strange mental images aside, this Panther packs a tequila-flavored punch. And aren’t we all looking for a little tequila on Valentine’s Day? (Editor’s note: No.)

“Young people, like 21 and right above, like to send people tequila shots,” Morill said. “They’re one of the most popular drinks to order for that age.”

So here’s a little tequila recipe, for the Mexican Sex Panther in all of us.

What you’ll need:

• Tequila
• Peach schnapps
• Chambord
• Sours

Directions: Fill cocktail shaker with ice, then add 1 oz. tequila, 1/2 oz. peach schnapps, 1/2 oz. chambord, and 1 oz. sours. Shake, strain into a small glass, and drink as a shot.

Hopefully, one of these recipes will help brighten your Valentine’s Day. (It’s still February and below freezing. We need all the brightening we can get.) Just remember not to overdo it — there’s nothing worse than drinking too much on a date and looking stupid. Your Valentine’s Day should be memorable, not blacked out.