YAY! George Clooney and his cocktail waitress “girlfriend” Sarah Lawson have broken up! The two were “dating” for the past year (i.e.: staging photo ops on his masculine motorcycle and walking down red carpets together.) And while neither party has confirmed the split, one of Sarah’s friends revealed that she has moved out of his LA home.

It is in this humble blogger’s opinion that Sarah and George were never together. Why? Because I truly believe in my heart of hearts that Mr. Clooney is gay. I simply don’t believe that a man that gorgeous, smart, charming and sexy would ever be caught dead with a Sarah Lawson. I mean, seriously, if George wanted a woman, who’s stopping him from a Christy Turlington (’90s supermodel and cum laude NYU graduate) or a Michelle Pfeiffer in her heyday? He could have his pick of the litter. So in conclusion, Mr. Clooney’s PR rep needs to do a better job next time in picking out Clooney’s lady love.

I really don’t know what to make of this whole Lindsay Lohan lesbian situation. LiLo has been seen everywhere in the last month or so with long time friend Samantha Ronson. Samantha, a 30-year-old celebrity DJ, who just happens to be out of the closet, has been in Lindsay’s life for a while (she was with Lindsay last year when she first entered rehab).

Lindsay and Samantha have been seen in Cannes holding hands, kissing on P.Diddy’s yacht and LiLo has been spotted wearing what looks like an engagement ring. And according to a blogger for New York Post, the two have reportedly moved in together. Lindsay’s mom, the infamous Dina Lohan, has denied the rumors that the two are together, claiming they’re simply best friends. Maybe it’s true, but I find that best gal pals don’t go on European vacations together and give each other hickeys.

Maybe coming out as a lesbian would be a good move for Lindsay, although realistically I think she would only ever admit to being bi. Since nothing else has been going on with LiLo besides a guest appearance on Ugly Betty and stealing a fur coat, maybe this is the right time to reveal to the world that she loves the ladies.

Mariah and Beyoncé failed. Despite their best efforts, bloggers around the world caught on to their “private” wedding plans before the wedding took place. But, all you female celebrities still hoping to marry in secret to avoid the prying eyes of paparazzi, fans and stalkers, take note because this is how you do it. People.com is reporting that Jessica Alba and Cash Warren were married in a private ceremony on Monday. The two were engaged last December and are expecting a child together.

No notice in the paper, no “Alba shopping for wedding dresses!” rumors. Nada. Zilch. The bride didn’t even wear a wedding dress. She wore a blue dress, no one was in attendance, and I am in shock. Touché, Alba, touché.

I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Peter Wentz.

Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson were wedded Saturday night in Joe and Tina Simpson’s Encino estate in California.

Obviously my invitation got lost in the mail, and I am pissed. Here are the details in case you weren’t able to attend either:

The wedding theme was “Alice In Wonderland,” much classier than “I’m pregnant and my album is doing really badly.” Ashlee wore a wedding dress by designer de jour, Monique Lhuillier.

There were around 150 people in attendance, including Nicole Richie, Joel Madden, CaCee Cobb (sis Jessica’s BFF), and actor Donald Faison. Jessica was the maid of honor, and her ex Tony Romo, showed up as her date. Dad Joe Simpson performed the non-denominational ceremony, and Pete Wentz’s bulldog was the ring bearer. What a cute family affair.

To be honest, these two seem like they have a chance (and by a chance I mean maybe they won’t get a divorce in less than two years.) They’ve been dating since 2006 and have tons of stuff in common, like their love of Japanese Hair Straightening. Ashlee has yet to confirm whether or not she’s pregnant, but, I mean… come on.

In case you’ve been living under a rock (or actually do things instead of read the gossip rags,) you know that Angelina Jolie is very pregnant. So pregnant, in fact, that it was widely rumored that she was having twins. Well, rumors no more! This morning on The Today Show, Jack Black and Angelina Jolie were being interviewed in Cannes for their new movie Kung Fu Panda. In the midst of the interview, Jack made a joke comparing Angelina and Brad’s brood to The Brady Bunch. The interviewer immediately asked if Angie was expecting twins, to which she replied, “Yeah, yeah, we’ve confirmed that already. Well, Jack’s just confirmed it actually.”

Weird, I thought she was just getting fat, so that proves how much I know. Mazel Tov, Angelina. And Brad, keep getting her pregnant, because we all know what the world needs now is more gorgeous celebuspawn.

Poor Jessica! Not only does she have deal with her ex John Mayer playing grab ass with older cougar Jennifer Aniston, but it has been recently reported that she and boyfriend of six months, Tony Romo, have split.

I feel bad, but to be honest, her stock has gone down in the past few years. She hasn’t released a hit in what feels like forever, her latest movie was straight to DVD, and she’s been hawking hair extensions and Proactiv Acne Solution… not so hot.

What led to the break-up has yet to be determined. Maybe it had something to do with the June ‘08 Glamour profile piece, in which Jessica talked about her relationship for half of the article.

“What he’s done for me is irreplaceable,” Simpson says about her newfound confidence. “It feels like forever,” she says about the months they’ve been together. “I love this guy. Can you feel it?”

“He reintroduced me to myself. I thought that I had to be deeper, more profound and more artsy. You change with the guys you date. [I thought] I had to be more intellectual. Come on—just be yourself! Tony taught me that because he loves me [as me]. He made me feel comfortable [being myself] again.”

Now, I’m not a relationship expert, but I can tell you right now that if I was Tony, this would be a major turnoff. Thus I’d go running into the arms of these Jessica look-a-likes, much like he did the other night.

Earlier today, Gawker.com posted an apparent way to see the five people who search for you most often on Facebook. Some glitch, bug, (or intentional feature) caused five names to pop up when you push the down arrow on your keyboard while the cursor is in the search box.

Update, 3:57 p.m.: Facebook seems to have closed off the down-arrow thing, but try entering “.” in your search box. The results seem to be the same.

Since it was posted around 1 p.m., the post has received more than 200 comments and counting.

Here’s what popped up on my account, in order:

1. A random boy who I briefly had a crush on back in Winter Quarter. I’d forgotten about him until now… but it appears he might not have forgotten about me. If this whole hullaballoo is true, that is. The appearance of this name is the most convincing evidence for me that these are people searching for you, since I haven’t searched this name frequently or recently.
2. My BFF and future roommate. This could go either way, since we both probably search for each other somewhat frequently.
3. My current roomie. Since she’s awesome, I know I search for her occasionally, and I’d guess she does the same for me. Again, inconclusive.
4. My editor…hmm. This is interesting. I wouldn’t have picked her out as someone I search for often on Facebook, or as someone who searches for me on Facebook. But it’s plausible, and could go either way.
5. Another boy…sigh! Someone who I search for with some frequency, probably too much frequency, but would be surprised if he was searching for me. Surprised, but delighted, I might add.

From this list, I can say somewhat conclusively that these are not the five people you search for most often. The evidence? My best friend from home, who I know I search more often than most if not all of these people, is markedly absent from the list. And someone who I search for hardly or never is present. The mystery thickens..what significance do these five people have? One commenter hypothesized that it is “matching the frequency of times that you search for someone with the frequency of times that people search for you,” which may in fact be the most plausible theory.

Another commenter corroborated this, citing a supposed “canned response” from a Facebook employee, which stated that the five names are the people Facebook assumes you would be most interested in, taking various factors into account.

Dear Lindsay Lohan,

Sorry I’ve been ignoring you for the past couple of years. See, after Mean Girls, when everything started going downhill, I just decided you weren’t cheeky enough for me.

But that stunt you pulled with the coat, I gotta say, that was great. I mean, “accidentally” stealing the mink coat of some rich Columbia bitch—that’s priceless. And then returning it reeking of booze and smoke, with a tear in the lining? Even better. I mean I don’t really blame you—if I was sitting in some lounge in the Meatpacking District (hey, it could happen) and some Ivy League snot with a hot name like Masha Markova was sitting next to me and getting all up in my business with her $11,000 fur coat, I would have wanted to cut a bitch, too. I mean, doesn’t she know that she has to have that thing stored? For Chrissake, Bergdorf’s even offered the service at discount last month.

But really, the best part was when she called you out on it, and then your lawyers contacted hers and were all, “Um, we’re going to bring you something” and she got it back. And don’t worry about that $10,000 suit she’s filing against you—she totes just wants you to fund her next Fendi.

Love,

Alan

P.S.—Hot YSL Tribute bag.

It’s true! Scarlett Johannson and Ryan Reynolds are engaged. The two have been dating for over a year. Scarlett, 23, and Ryan, 31, are the bomb.com! Not only are the hot and talented (marginally talented, let’s be honest), but I really do believe that they are in love. Why? Because I have yet to see any publicity shots of them anywhere, and neither has accompanied the other to any big premieres, like The Other Boleyn Girl or Definitely, Maybe. You know it’s real when the happy couple are never together in public. In fact, at tonight’s Costume Institute Gala at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, Scarlett is expected to walk the carpet alone. But who cares as long as she’s got a rock?

Now for the most important question: will the two ever make it down the aisle? Hate to be a Debbie Downer, but I’m going to have to say no on this one for two good reasons:

1. This is not Ryan’s first time in marriage land. Ryan dated Alanis Morissette for two years before getting engaged. The engagement lasted for three years until they called it off in February 2007. That is not reassuring.
2. Scarlett doesn’t really seem like she’s ready to settle down. She’s 23 and really hot. Apparently she’s hooked up with Benicio Del Toro in an elevator. And she has gone on the record saying that monogamy is “hard work” and that she doesn’t find having one sexual partner natural. That is not reassuring.

I suppose only time will tell if wedding bells are really in the future. In the meantime let’s wish them luck, and hope they sign a pre-nup.

And she needs one bad. But not this badly!

Photos have surfaced confirming speculation that Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are dating. I’m not going to lie, John and Jen look good together– but maybe it’s just their beach bodies talking. I’m sure they bond over his chick music or her unforgettable role as Mark Walhberg‘s girlfriend in the classic “Rock Star,” but I personally never really understood the whole John Mayer craze. Don’t get me wrong, if he asked me out I’d totally say yes– but he’s still a lothario who has dated Jennifer Love Hewitt, Cameron Diaz, Jessica Simpson, Heidi Klum, and Minka Kelly just to name a few. You are not going to be able to tie this one down!

You may be a serial dater, too, Jen, but it’s time you settled down (someone else has…) You need to start thinking about new prospective husbands. Or better yet, good movie roles. I could see you in a Woody Allen comedy. I’d say that if there hasn’t been a career resurgence in two year, you might want to start looking at TV pilots. Something edgy, maybe on Showtime. But whatever you do, no adoptions, okay?

I really hope this is true. For the love of God, let this be true….

Latina Magazine is reporting that Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon eloped yesterday on some rando island. Rumors that the two were dating had been circulating for a few months (conveniently around the release of Mimi’s newest CD E=MC².) Mariah is 38, Nick is 27, and I am nauseous.

Both of these two singers/entrepreneurs have dabbled in marriage before. Mariah was married to Tommy Mottola, a Columbia Records Executive, in a 1993 summer ceremony that mirrored Princess Diana’s. They were divorced in 1997 (quelle suprise!). More recently, Nick Cannon was engaged to Victoria Secret’s supermodel Selita Ebanks from May 7th, 2007 to Oct. 4th, 2007. He has also been linked to Christina Milian and Kim Kardashian.

So, what does this all mean? I don’t really know. I’m not even sure this is really happening, as the two may just be punking us. I hope they have little diva children named Miracle, Glitter and Butterfly, regardless of gender. Something tells me that this won’t last more than four months. But I’m still christening their celeb couple name as Nickiah.

So it’s final. Jimmy Fallon will be taking Conan O’Brien’s spot on Late Night in 2009, when Conan moves up to The Tonight Show slot.

Is anyone else super not excited about this? Conan is a cute, smart, quirky goof. Jimmy is a cute, smart, quirky goof. The reason Conan was so popular was that he was such a breath of fresh air after Jay’s mainstream Masshole shtick. I don’t think I’ve seen Jimmy Fallon in anything since his departure from SNL (except, of course, the cinematic masterpiece “Taxi,” costarring Queen Latifah). So why him?

Now, I’m not spouting some feminist nonsense, because we all know that a woman’s place is on daytime chat shows, but we could have gone a bit differently, no? Wouldn’t Rob Corddry work? How about SNL alum Tim Meadows? And Patton Oswalt would be awesome.

All I know is that if Jimmy’s first monologue is five minutes of his Jerry Seinfeld and Adam Sandler impressions, I’m watching “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”

(Seriously, though, Jimmy’s impressions are awesome.)

Correction — May 12, 2008: This article originally stated that Conan O’Brien hosts “The Late Show“. He in fact hosts Late Night. Thanks to commenter Bucky O’Hare for the correction.

I think I may be sick. Don’t get me wrong, it is just precious when guys write songs for their girls (assuming they’re not of the you-bitch-you-ruined-my-life-go-die variety), but I’m afraid sometimes I’d rather certain people keep their misguided “romance” with other certain people to themselves. I’m, of course, talking about sex-tape goddess Paris Hilton and wannabe-punk rocker Benji Madden. Apparently, Mr. Madden cannot keep his joy to himself any longer and his joy has taken the form of a song. The song, which he somehow got permission to record, is called “Shine Your Light” and it’s all about Paris. Let’s hope this is a one time mistake.

In other less disgusting, more fascinating news, Baby Mama’s Amy Poehler and Arrested Development’s Will Arnett are expecting their first child. When these two work together it produces comic gold; here’s hoping their kid is no exception.

So let me get this straight; Miley Cyrus is apologizing for tastefully done Vanity Fair photos taken by world famous photographer Annie Lebowitz, but she still hasn’t addressed the “bra romp” pictures?  Honestly, I find the VF photo tame in comparison to some outfits I’ve seen Miley in on the Red Carpet and on stage.

In a statement released to PEOPLE by her publicist, Miley said this, “I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be ‘artistic’ and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed. I never intended for any of this to happen and I apologize to my fans who I care so deeply about.”

Gosh, I hate it when Annie Lebowitz photos end up making me look like a skank…oh wait, they never do! Thousands of starlets would die (or maybe give up food for three months) to be photographed by Annie Lebowitz.  Not to mention a spread in Vanity Fair. I can only believe that Disney is really breathing down Cyrus’s neck here. The photos were taken digitally, thus Miley and her parents could view them immediately during the shoot. And, Miley released this statement during the photo shoot, “I think it’s really artsy. It wasn’t in a skanky way,” and additionally, “Annie took, like, a beautiful shot, and I thought that was really cool. That’s what she wanted me to do, and you can’t say no to Annie.” 

Indeed you cannot. It’s unfair for Vanity Fair and Annie Lebowitz to be getting the blame for this, as Miley, her parents, and Disney representatives were at the shoot and saw the pictures! It’s clear to me that Miley is simply a sexy teen (nothing wrong with that,) whose need to sow her royal oats has far exceeded Disney’s tolerance. With that being said, The Hannah Montana Movie is currently being filmed.  We’ll have to see what happens.

FHM’S 100 Sexiest Women list came out recently and the results were pretty typical:

1. Megan Fox
   The Transformers’ hottie is damn sexy, but isn’t she just the poor man’s Angelina? Plus, she’s engaged to 90201’s Brian Austin Green…not hot.
2. Jessica Biel
   Yawn.
3. Jessica Alba
   One of my personal favorites. This must be bittersweet, though, since last year Alba took the top title. Maybe it has to do with the pregnancy thing?
4. Elisha Cuthbert
   Kim Bauer — what?? All I have to say about this is that Cuthbert’s publicist is getting a big raise this year. I mean like really really big.
5. Scarlett Johansson
   Well, obviously.

The top five may have been pretty safe, but the list gets more interesting the further down you go:

• The one and only Miss Britney Spears rounded out the list at Number 100. A far cry from the days when she romped around in leather onesies and topped lists like these.
• Current indie darling Ellen Page (#61) beat past indie darling Christina Ricci (#69.)
• The Hills’ Heidi Montag (#44) beat The Hills’ Audrina Patridge (#80) who beat The Hills’ Lauren Conrad (#95.) You know LC is pissed.
• Rihanna (#14) trumped Beyonce (#20.) But Bee got Jay, so it doesn’t really matter, right?
• And my two girl crushes, Natalie Portman (#25) and Adriana Lima (#36), were both beat by Hilary freaking Duff (#7.) Really, FHM, really??