But never fear, brave investment banker! There are indeed people out there who want to comfort — nay, to help you in this time of need. All you have to do is turn to that greatest of community uniters: Craigslist.

No, seriously. A quick search for “lehman” in the Personals section of the New York Craiglist reveals that there are more than a few altruistic New Yorkers volunteering their services to console poor, frightened Lehman Brothers employees. From the man offering free “massages” to female Wall Street workers to the more straightforward requests, these good souls just want to provide a little ray of sunshine into what must be some very dark lives right now (paying for electricity is hard when you don’t have a job, after all).

And that’s Craiglist, folks: as Gawker put it, putting the “getting laid” back into “getting laid off.”

It is in this humble blogger’s opinion that Sarah and George were never together. Why? Because I truly believe in my heart of hearts that Mr. Clooney is gay. I simply don’t believe that a man that gorgeous, smart, charming and sexy would ever be caught dead with a Sarah Lawson. I mean, seriously, if George wanted a woman, who’s stopping him from a Christy Turlington (’90s supermodel and cum laude NYU graduate) or a Michelle Pfeiffer in her heyday? He could have his pick of the litter. So in conclusion, Mr. Clooney’s PR rep needs to do a better job next time in picking out Clooney’s lady love.

Lindsay and Samantha have been seen in Cannes holding hands, kissing on P.Diddy’s yacht and LiLo has been spotted wearing what looks like an engagement ring. And according to a blogger for New York Post, the two have reportedly moved in together. Lindsay’s mom, the infamous Dina Lohan, has denied the rumors that the two are together, claiming they’re simply best friends. Maybe it’s true, but I find that best gal pals don’t go on European vacations together and give each other hickeys.

Maybe coming out as a lesbian would be a good move for Lindsay, although realistically I think she would only ever admit to being bi. Since nothing else has been going on with LiLo besides a guest appearance on Ugly Betty and stealing a fur coat, maybe this is the right time to reveal to the world that she loves the ladies.

No notice in the paper, no “Alba shopping for wedding dresses!” rumors. Nada. Zilch. The bride didn’t even wear a wedding dress. She wore a blue dress, no one was in attendance, and I am in shock. Touché, Alba, touché.

Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson were wedded Saturday night in Joe and Tina Simpson’s Encino estate in California.

Obviously my invitation got lost in the mail, and I am pissed. Here are the details in case you weren’t able to attend either:

The wedding theme was “Alice In Wonderland,” much classier than “I’m pregnant and my album is doing really badly.” Ashlee wore a wedding dress by designer de jour, Monique Lhuillier.

There were around 150 people in attendance, including Nicole Richie, Joel Madden, CaCee Cobb (sis Jessica’s BFF), and actor Donald Faison. Jessica was the maid of honor, and her ex Tony Romo, showed up as her date. Dad Joe Simpson performed the non-denominational ceremony, and Pete Wentz’s bulldog was the ring bearer. What a cute family affair.

To be honest, these two seem like they have a chance (and by a chance I mean maybe they won’t get a divorce in less than two years.) They’ve been dating since 2006 and have tons of stuff in common, like their love of Japanese Hair Straightening. Ashlee has yet to confirm whether or not she’s pregnant, but, I mean… come on.

Weird, I thought she was just getting fat, so that proves how much I know. Mazel Tov, Angelina. And Brad, keep getting her pregnant, because we all know what the world needs now is more gorgeous celebuspawn.

I feel bad, but to be honest, her stock has gone down in the past few years. She hasn’t released a hit in what feels like forever, her latest movie was straight to DVD, and she’s been hawking hair extensions and Proactiv Acne Solution… not so hot.

What led to the break-up has yet to be determined. Maybe it had something to do with the June ‘08 Glamour profile piece, in which Jessica talked about her relationship for half of the article.

“What he’s done for me is irreplaceable,” Simpson says about her newfound confidence. “It feels like forever,” she says about the months they’ve been together. “I love this guy. Can you feel it?”

“He reintroduced me to myself. I thought that I had to be deeper, more profound and more artsy. You change with the guys you date. [I thought] I had to be more intellectual. Come on—just be yourself! Tony taught me that because he loves me [as me]. He made me feel comfortable [being myself] again.”

Now, I’m not a relationship expert, but I can tell you right now that if I was Tony, this would be a major turnoff. Thus I’d go running into the arms of these Jessica look-a-likes, much like he did the other night.

Update, 3:57 p.m.: Facebook seems to have closed off the down-arrow thing, but try entering “.” in your search box. The results seem to be the same.

Since it was posted around 1 p.m., the post has received more than 200 comments and counting.

Here’s what popped up on my account, in order:

1. A random boy who I briefly had a crush on back in Winter Quarter. I’d forgotten about him until now… but it appears he might not have forgotten about me. If this whole hullaballoo is true, that is. The appearance of this name is the most convincing evidence for me that these are people searching for you, since I haven’t searched this name frequently or recently.
2. My BFF and future roommate. This could go either way, since we both probably search for each other somewhat frequently.
3. My current roomie. Since she’s awesome, I know I search for her occasionally, and I’d guess she does the same for me. Again, inconclusive.
4. My editor…hmm. This is interesting. I wouldn’t have picked her out as someone I search for often on Facebook, or as someone who searches for me on Facebook. But it’s plausible, and could go either way.
5. Another boy…sigh! Someone who I search for with some frequency, probably too much frequency, but would be surprised if he was searching for me. Surprised, but delighted, I might add.

From this list, I can say somewhat conclusively that these are not the five people you search for most often. The evidence? My best friend from home, who I know I search more often than most if not all of these people, is markedly absent from the list. And someone who I search for hardly or never is present. The mystery thickens..what significance do these five people have? One commenter hypothesized that it is “matching the frequency of times that you search for someone with the frequency of times that people search for you,” which may in fact be the most plausible theory.

Another commenter corroborated this, citing a supposed “canned response” from a Facebook employee, which stated that the five names are the people Facebook assumes you would be most interested in, taking various factors into account.

Sorry I’ve been ignoring you for the past couple of years. See, after Mean Girls, when everything started going downhill, I just decided you weren’t cheeky enough for me.

But that stunt you pulled with the coat, I gotta say, that was great. I mean, “accidentally” stealing the mink coat of some rich Columbia bitch—that’s priceless. And then returning it reeking of booze and smoke, with a tear in the lining? Even better. I mean I don’t really blame you—if I was sitting in some lounge in the Meatpacking District (hey, it could happen) and some Ivy League snot with a hot name like Masha Markova was sitting next to me and getting all up in my business with her $11,000 fur coat, I would have wanted to cut a bitch, too. I mean, doesn’t she know that she has to have that thing stored? For Chrissake, Bergdorf’s even offered the service at discount last month.

But really, the best part was when she called you out on it, and then your lawyers contacted hers and were all, “Um, we’re going to bring you something” and she got it back. And don’t worry about that $10,000 suit she’s filing against you—she totes just wants you to fund her next Fendi.

Love,

Alan

P.S.—Hot YSL Tribute bag.

Now for the most important question: will the two ever make it down the aisle? Hate to be a Debbie Downer, but I’m going to have to say no on this one for two good reasons:

1. This is not Ryan’s first time in marriage land. Ryan dated Alanis Morissette for two years before getting engaged. The engagement lasted for three years until they called it off in February 2007. That is not reassuring.
2. Scarlett doesn’t really seem like she’s ready to settle down. She’s 23 and really hot. Apparently she’s hooked up with Benicio Del Toro in an elevator. And she has gone on the record saying that monogamy is “hard work” and that she doesn’t find having one sexual partner natural. That is not reassuring.

I suppose only time will tell if wedding bells are really in the future. In the meantime let’s wish them luck, and hope they sign a pre-nup.