With blow-jobs finally becoming more accepted by the public, it’s a wonder these scenarios continue to occur. In the world of Northwestern, where your best is never quite good enough, why not apply the perfectionist attitude to the art of fellatio? Taking a few hints on simple blowjob etiquette will only help you make the grade.

Tips for Gentlemen

No thrusting the pelvis or pulling on her head. Would you want someone grabbing you by your hair as they continuously ram a hard, six-inch object down your throat? Didn’t think so. She is not your masturbation tool. As long as she’s down there, this is her show and her time to shine. Respect that and let her do that awesome thing she does.

Tell her when you are about to come. No matter what Soulja Boy says, you cannot super soak dat ho, especially if you’re catching her completely off-guard. Even if you’re totally caught up in how awesome she’s making you feel, at least give her that open mouth, head-thrown-back, limp-handed nudge on her shoulder to let her know it’s a few seconds until blast-off. Girls should also be observant of his body language, in case he forgets to let you know. Said one guy, “If I’m clenching my butt, that means something’s going on.” Also look for clenched fists and/or a sudden stiffening of his penis.

Don’t force her to swallow. To spit or to swallow: It’s the age-old blowjob question. “I wouldn’t want my semen in my mouth,” said one guy. Well, neither do a lot of girls — especially beginners. The taste and texture of ejaculate in the mouth can be highly unpleasant, making spitting a very common practice amongst girls who venture below the belt.

However, swallowing makes for a much more self-contained mess than spitting. Some guys see spitting as unattractive or just plain rude. Many girls will admit that after some practice, swallowing really isn’t that bad. “It’s like taking a shot,” said one Northwestern student. “Just do it quick and don’t let it touch your taste buds on the way down.” But if your girl simply won’t swallow, respect her choice and move on. And girls — if you don’t know his history, save yourself this entire debate (and a potential STI) and use a condom.

Don’t be a jerk about kissing her afterwards. There are nice guys who kiss girls after getting head, and then there are assholes who stand over girls Nazi-style to ensure each tooth gets brushed before any further lovemaking occurs. These guys don’t want their own dick in their mouth. Understandable. But, as one girl put it, “I’m putting it in my mouth. If he wants me to continue doing that he shouldn’t have a problem with kissing me after.” While girls usually do not expect a full-on makeout after giving head, a peck on the lips would be nice after all she’s done for you.

Hints for Ladies

Use everything yo mama gave ya. Remember your class Halloween party in second grade, when the teacher brought in a tub of water and everyone took turns bobbing for apples with their hands behind their backs? That wasn’t Blow-Jobs 101. Make sure to use your hands.

Use your tongue – there is nothing worse than an abrasive blow-job that’s drier than the Sahara. And of course, using your eyes to glance up at him every now and then is always good, too.

Engage the entire package. There are several different parts at work in the male pelvic region. Make sure you don’t miss any.

Region A: The testicles. Ever wonder why guys are so protective of the family jewels? It’s because they’re super-sensitive, especially when he’s is sexually aroused.

Region B: The penis. Most guys understand that an entire shaft cannot fit into a girl’s mouth without choking her. However, neglecting the parts your mouth can’t reach is a huge turn-off for guys. Girls should try moving their hands up and down on the shaft in harmony with the up-and-down movements of their mouth — most guys appreciate the added sensations.

Region C: The coronal ridge of the penis, or the part where the shaft meets the head. The underside of the penis is highly sensitive in this region, and should be gently kissed or licked during head.

Region D: The perineum, or the area right behind his balls near the anus, which is home to countless nerve-endings crying out to be touched.

In engaging all of these parts, though, just remember to be gentle and fondle him, rather than squeeze him to the point of pain. As one guy put it, “Some girls think they’re in a craps game and think they’re rolling dice with my testicles.” Don’t be that girl.

No biting. Do. Not. Ever. Use. Your. Teeth.

Do not be repetitive and boring. They say variety is the spice of life, and blowjobs are no exception to the rule. “It shouldn’t be like you’re just dribbling a basketball,” said a Northwestern blowjob enthusiast. “You want to cross over, go behind the back, change it up a little.” Alternate between sucking and licking, fast and slow, hard and soft. Bring him almost to the point of orgasm then slow it down just to tease him. He will hate you at the moment, but in the end he’ll be thankful.

Have fun! “If you can have a good time with it and actually want to do it, then you’re gonna be good at it,” said a Northwestern sophomore. The key to an awesome blow-job is not some crazy skill or the world’s most flexible tongue; it’s the mindset you both go in with.

Sex Position of the Week: Lock ‘n’ Load

Have her lie flat on her stomach, hands at her sides with her head on a pillow. Position yourself so that you are face-down on top of her, one arm and one leg at each of her sides. Raise her pelvis upwards and enter her from behind. Prop yourself up on your elbows so that you are not putting your full body weight on top of her. At this angle, your penis will directly stimulate her g-spot with each thrust.

Mocha madness parfait sundaes

My friend once told me that he has to have ice cream after every time he has sex. He swore that ice cream tasted infinitely better that way. Now, I’m not sure if ice cream tastes that much better for everyone after sex, but it’s worth a shot, right? And with this caffeinated version, you’ll have the energy to get back at it after you finish your sweet treat.

What you’ll need:

• 8 Oreos, or similar
• 4 large scoops coffee ice cream (I recommend buying one that has chocolate chips in it)
• ¼ cup dark chocolate-covered espresso beans
• ½ cup whipped cream, fresh or store-bought

1. Grab two large coffee mugs. Crush two Oreos in each mug, and top each with one large scoop of coffee ice cream. Crush two more Oreos per mug on top of the ice cream, and top with another scoop.

2. Place a large dollop of whipped cream on top of each ice cream mug and sprinkle half of the espresso beans over each mug. Grab spoons and get back to bed to dig in!

Aww. Photo by Fanboy30 on Flickr, licensed under the Creative Commons.

Mexican hot chocolate

Figured out the chocolate trend yet? Well, you see, if I don’t fall into a deep slumber after sex, I usually like to indulge my love of chocolate. Not to mention that chocolate is a natural aphrodisiac, so it might even put you in the mood to do it again. So for my last recipe I present to you a sweet-and-spicy drink to sip in bed.

What you’ll need:

• 3 cups milk
• ½ teaspoon ground cinnamon
• Pinch of cayenne pepper or chili powder, optional
• 3 ounces semisweet chocolate chips
• ¼ teaspoon vanilla extract
• Whipped cream and mini marshmallows, for garnish

1. In a medium saucepan, heat the milk and cinnamon until simmering. You can add the cayenne pepper or chili powder at this time if you want.

2. Add the chocolate and stir until it is melted. Remove the mixture from heat and add the vanilla.

3. Pour into two large mugs and garnish with mini marshmallows and large dollops of whipped cream.

Frozen mounds bars

Mounds is without a doubt my favorite candy bar. Actually, anything with coconut is pretty damn tasty in my book, and when you combine it with chocolate… well, I am sold.

What you’ll need:

• 2 coconut frozen fruit bars (I personally like the Whole Foods variety the best)
• 1 cup chocolate chips

1. Simmer approximately ½ cup of water in a small saucepan. Place a bowl filled with the chocolate chips on top of the saucepan once the water is simmering. Continue to stir the chocolate chips as they melt and remove from the heat once the chocolate is fully melted.

2. Allow the melted chocolate to cool until it is still fully melted but less hot. Once the chocolate has reached this consistency, remove the coconut bars from their packages and fully coat each bar in chocolate, one at a time. Make sure to do this quickly or else the bars will melt!

3. Place the chocolate-coated bars on a baking sheet lined with waxed paper and place them in the freezer for at least 30 minutes so that the chocolate has time to harden. Hmm… wonder what you’ll be doing with those 30 minutes….

I hope these treats find their way into your post-sex rituals. Either way, make the most of this next week. And remember…safe sex!

Towel
You know all those episodes of Room Raiders on MTV where they shine blacklights over people’s beds and find pools of dried-up body fluids? Don’t let this happen to you. Hopefully you’ll be doing your laundry soon, but do you really want to sleep with that in the time being? Didn’t think so. Put a towel down before it starts to rain. It’s a super-easy clean-up, and some towels come so cheap that you can even throw them away when you’re done. Especially if she’s got her period, a simple hand towel is a Toolbox “must.”

Vibrator
Only a small percentage of women can orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. Help alleviate this unfortunate situation by utilizing a basic vibrator. No, it doesn’t mean that your penis is inadequate or that your fingers are rubbing her the wrong way (though actually, they might be, but that’s another story). The modern age is full of nifty technological wonders, and the vibrator is one of them. Even the most basic ones usually come with a couple different settings to control intensity and speed of vibrations. A guy can use it on a girl or he can kick back and watch her use it on herself. And ladies, if there’s no man in your life, a good vibrator is all you need. Just remember to stock up on batteries!

H2O
They say sex is the best exercise you can get… do your body a favor and keep it hydrated. Also useful to wash away that less-than-pleasant taste in your mouth.

Gum, breath mints or mouth wash
Tons of guys and girls refuse to get within five miles of their partner’s breath after he or she goes down on them. Always, always keep some breath mints or Listerine strips on hand to cure your vag- or penis-breath after oral sex. A bonus: ever notice the “curiously strong mint” bit scrawled across the top of your Altoids tin? Well, the reason why ain’t so curious –- the peppermint oil in Altoids and many other breath fresheners contains menthol, which creates a cooling or tingling sensation in the mouth. This same sensation can be used to pleasure your partner when you go down on them. Skilled playas and lovers alike know to keep poppin’ the mints before, during and after the entire love-sesh.

Oral sex mints
The folks at Egor’s Dungeon on Belmont Avenue recommended Adam & Eve Go Deep Oral Sex Mints specially for Northwestern students. In addition to creating the same awesome cooling and tingling sensations of your average breath mints, oral sex mints contain the mildly numbing ingredient benzocaine. Benzocaine “numbs the throat muscles, suppressing the gag reflex so she can take in more,” as the container explicitly states. No word yet on whether these actually work… but any testers should kindly share their results.

Lotion
For the lonely folks. Goes hand-in-hand with… your hands.

A swimming pool full of hot, slippery lube
Sometimes, no matter how hot you’re making him or how horny you’ve got her, the juices simply aren’t flowing like they should. Imagine Superman flying in through your bedroom window, here to save your sex life –- only instead of Superman, it’s a bottle of lube. Ta-da! Problem solved. Generic lubes are good for body massage, hand jobs and fingering. However, they don’t exactly taste like peaches, so if you need some wetness for oral sex or general licking and kissing of the body, flavored lube is your best bet. Sex Tarts lubes come in fun, sassy packaging and are yummier than yummy. A word of warning: never use oil-based lubes like Vaseline or hand lotion with condoms! The oil will dissolve the condom, so make sure to use water-based lubes specifically designed for penetrative sex.

Kleenex
Stop using your bedsheets, the corner of your pillow or your dirty t-shirts as Kleenex and buy a box. They are convenient, disposable, simple, cheap, absorbent, dependable, comforting, there to help you when you’re in a sticky spot… kind of like your best friend (minus the cheap and disposable part, hopefully).

Male enhancement cream
While I lack the anatomy to try this out, and doubt I’ll find someone who will ‘fess up to having used it, the package claims it’s guaranteed to make your member harder, better, faster, stronger for longer.

Condoms
Condoms are your desert-island item. It doesn’t matter how uncomfortable he says they are or if he “promises, promises to pull out” — if you aren’t planning on getting an STI or breeding a whole generation of Mini-Mes, wrap it up. Luckily, condoms come in more sizes, flavors and varieties than Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. For guys who can’t stand the feel of a condom, Tony Randees at Egor’s Dungeon on Belmont Avenue recommends Kimono brand micro-thin condoms, which are so thin you won’t even know it’s there (check to make sure!). There are also many flavored condoms and dental dams on the market. Note: most are meant for oral sex only, because the sugars in many flavored condoms can leave girls with a nasty yeast infection. But both Trustex Tastee’s and Durex Colors and Scents are a-ok for vaginal sex. So know your options, and don’t be a fool: cover your tool.

Hair ties
Are you tired of going in for a kiss and coming away with a mouthful of hair? Are you sick of waiting the entire five seconds for your partner to move her hair out of the way while she’s giving you head? If so, a hair tie is the ideal solution for you. Girls with long hair should always, always have these on hand. Guys looking to fill their little black books should have them on hand, too — just don’t wear them on your wrist. That makes you an asshole.

Hand sanitizer
For those times when you just don’t know where they’ve been, Germ-X kills 99.99 percent of germs.

Candles
If you’re looking to create a romantic atmosphere, there’s no better way to do this than with candles. Just remember your lighter!

A sex game (or two or three or ten)
One of the dangers of too much sex (can you imagine?) is getting stuck in the rut of using that one guaranteed-to-get-us-both-off position every time. Invest $5 in a set of position playing cards. Nerve.com even makes a daily sex position calendar, so you can bang in a whole new way, every day.

Asshole: Hey, you wanna give me a blow job?
Girl: No, it makes me gag.
Asshole: Come on, give me a blow job. It’ll be fun!
Girl: NO. It. makes. me. gag. and. hurts. my. throat.
Asshole: Oh, come on, you’re just not open to things.
Girl: Fine, if you eat me out, I’ll give you a blow job.
Asshole: Ew, never mind.

Blow jobs are the epitome of our hook-up culture. On the “List of Things to Do with the Rando You Met at The Keg,” the blow job comes in second (closely following the make-out sesh), while cunnilingus, the blow job’s mystery-shrouded twin, comes in sorry last. The worst part? How ingrained this unfair double standard is in our college hook-up culture, almost like we’ve accepted the disparity as fact.

The vast majority of women need at least some clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm, which can be greatly helped by oral stimulation. The clitoris is full of nerve endings: it contains even more than a penis. A significant portion of the college-aged female population has never experienced an orgasm — an idea completely unfathomable to most guys.

Men are full of excuses for not wanting to pay lip service to women: It’s icky. It’s smelly. It’s messy. It doesn’t taste good. Toughen up, bitch. A little tonsil hockey south of the border never hurt anybody.

Why do guys expect to receive but refuse to give? For one thing, cunnilingus carries a stigma. It is almost completely absent from mainstream movies (and “mainstream” excludes Lesbian Dreams, mind you). When it does happen, it’s apparently a big freaking deal, and guys think they deserve a big ol’ pat on the back for their sacrifice. Um, no. You’re still in much debt to the female population– there’s absolutely no reason going down on a girl should be treated differently than going down on a guy.

Guys’ hesitance to give can be chalked up to human anatomy. The penis is a simple tool, and most males are perfectly comfortable with it. But the vagina (or, more correctly, the vulva) is so complex that many women don’t completely understand it. And though most guys will never admit it, the cooter freaks ‘em out.

According to one Northwestern sophomore I spoke to, cunnilingus is a much more intimate practice than your everyday blow job, and it is a rare occurrence outside of long-term relationships. “It requires a certain amount of trust that isn’t going to be there if this is just a hook-up,” he said. Is this truly the case, or another of many bullshit excuses to be lazy?

Don’t get me wrong. There are plenty of guys who “love licking the V” and “love making it all about the woman,” as they told me. God bless your little hearts. One guy said, “I just prefer to see that the girl is enjoying what I’m doing to her.” There should be more of these guys on earth.

Some guys don’t mind giving oral sex, but their lack of opportunities to do so stems from their lady partners’ own self-consciousness. The only thing getting in their way is female insecurity.

For gals who may be tongue-shy down there: Yes, you smell. Get over it. You are only human, and no amount of feminine products or douching can change it. But penises aren’t all flowers and rainbows either, and this isn’t about achieving a porn star-like level of superficial perfection. There are plenty of ways to make the occasional unpleasant scent and icky taste of one’s pink parts more bearable, though. First off, girls should pay attention to their diet. While not a scientific fact, eating lots of fruits and veggies has been said to make both girls’ and guys’ nether regions tastier. Likewise, unhealthy habits such as smoking and little exercise may make for a much stronger stench and ashtray taste. Not fun for a guy running his tongue along your ‘other’ lips.

Most importantly, though, learn to love and be comfortable with yourself. If you aren’t relaxed during the act, you won’t enjoy it no matter what. But when you actually get down to it, don’t simply leave your partner without guidance: another common excuse is that guys simply don’t know what to do down there.

While oral sex is generally safer than penetrative sex in terms of contracting STD’s, unprotected oral sex is still a huge risk, especially if you have no prior knowledge of your partner’s sexual history. Consider this as your friendly reminder that flavored Dental Dams are perfect for your eating-out occasion.

So, men: On your knees! That’s an order.

Sex position of the week: spooning leads to forking

There’s nothing quite like spooning to provide maximum pleasure for you and your partner. Lie on your sides with her back to you, like a set of spoons in a drawer. Lift her top leg up and enter her from behind, then hold her thigh back so she is in somewhat of an arched position. From this angle you have very good access to her clit and breasts - use this to your advantage! This is also a perfect position for some dirty talk, since your faces will be pressed closely together. There’s a reason why so many couples rave about spooning - just remember to be gentle with your forking.

Damn straight. Despite our country’s fascination with sex – the more scandalous the better – there’s huge discrepancy between what happens on the screen and what happens in the sack. Other countries, like say, France, realize that nips and balls are nothing to giggle over (I challenge you to say “nipple” in everyday conversation with a straight face). Don’t be ashamed of sex — you’ve got many busy years ahead of you.

Stop being boring. My grandparents are kinkier than anything I’ve seen on this campus - they are passionate, fiery Greeks, after all. While not everyone was blessed with Greek blood, we each have five senses, so single them out and indulge. You’re guaranteed to make some unexpected discoveries.

Seeing

There’s nothing romantic about the faint light of someone’s dorm-room desk lamp. Turn the lights on. You’ll be pleasantly surprised at what your partner’s body looks like, especially when it’s grinding up against yours. Or, change it up and take the plunge during the day, in natural light. Besides, studies show that morning sex is healthy.

Being ‘visually appealing’ does not mean you have to be naked. In The Sacred Art of Striptease, seasoned stripper Diana Greenberg recommends keeping some clothes on. Experiment with some kinky outfits or lingerie.

Another great way to enhance the visual experience is by taking it away completely. Yes, I do mean blindfolding. A friend of mine tried this with his girl and said it was unforgettable. He felt vulnerable because he didn’t know what she was going to do next. “You know it’s going to feel good,” he said, “but you don’t know what it’s going to be.”

Hearing

Imagine you and your partner are on your bed (or on the floor, up against the wall, or however you hot young thangs operate). What are your sound effects? Chances are there’s some heavy breathing, the odd “Oops!” and lots of drunk idiots screaming in the hallway outside your door. Sexy? I think not.

Make a sexy soundtrack. No, you’re not a pervert if you do it. The right play list can create exactly the right mood. Think about what songs get you going and set the tone for your session – one friend of mine prefers “shit people take E to” as his love-making genre of choice. If nothing else, music will drown out the drunken gibberish outside.

Dirty talk is a requirement for a sexy atmosphere. Tell your partner what you like, what you love and what about them makes you wanna drop it like it’s hot. Just don’t let this get too out of hand … you don’t want to find all of fourth floor’s ears pressed against your door.

Taste

A major complaint of people who hate giving oral is that they can’t stand the taste. One way to solve this is by using flavored condoms, which can be found at your neighborhood CVS store. These come in a mind-boggling number of flavors – buy a few and see what tastes best. Or, don a pair of delicious edible undies for your partner to enjoy as he makes his way to your candy.

If you’re a true food connoisseur, make your partner into a full three-course meal. Babeland and Early to Bed (located on Sheridan Road) both carry a variety of choices for your main course. Top it off with a treat from Jessica Simpson’s Dessert line, which includes some fabulously tasty, completely edible body lotions and lick-able fragrances. Just keep in mind any allergies that you or your partner may have.

Smell

According to Psychology Today, sexual attraction may be based largely on smell. Conversely, unappealing smells are enough to deter someone, no matter how chiseled your abs or how cute your smile. Females are much more aware of smells than their male counterparts, so boys: clean up your dorm room. The smell of stale beer and unwashed cereal bowls literally keeps girls away.

All mammals have pheromones, or naturally occurring chemical compounds that, when secreted, attract the opposite sex. There isn’t a huge body of evidence supporting this effect in humans, but companies like Philosophy and The Scent of Eros market their products as aphrodisiacs. Some swear by pheromone candles to heighten the mood. The Sin in a Tin candle practically has a cult following. And if they don’t help you find a mate, at least you’ll smell nice.

Touch

Your nervous system is probably the best thing you’ve got –beneath your skin is a gold mine of hidden erogenous zones, sensitive areas that make you shiver when touched. Some common places: the ears, the neck, the insides of elbows and backs of the knees, pelvic bone area and – on guys – the area just behind his balls.

Not touching can also be a great sensory experience. Remember that scene in 40 Days and 40 Nights, where Josh Hartnett’s character gives up sex for Lent and resorts to erotically touching his partner with the tip of a flower in lieu of actually touching her? It was probably one of the hottest sex scenes in a mainstream movie. An easy way to tease your partner is by doing a striptease or exotic dance. Norris offers a variety of belly dance classes, and all kinds of exotic dance classes can be found in Chicago. Or just lock your door and practice some moves by yourself.

Sex Position of the Week: Missionary, Unholy Style

Lay your partner down on their back after some fun foreplay. Convince them to put on a blindfold – promise them it will be a sensory experience they’ll never forget. Next, have your partner put their hands over their head, grabbing that nifty bar on your Northwestern bed frame designed solely for this purpose. Tell them they’re not allowed to touch you. Without their sense of sight or the ability to touch you, their other senses will be much more attuned. Enter your partner and run your hands all along their body. Change it up – remember, they can’t see you and are helpless without their hands. Their body is your temple. Worship it!

Now flash back to the first time you exercised that dorm room freedom to finally hook up without worrying about parents/siblings/pets walking in on you and discovering that the beds really are as narrow as the sheets warned. Whoever designed dorm room beds was an advocate of abstinence.

I’ve spent the past three years of my college experience trying to navigate the mechanics of the dorm room hook-up, with little success. Sometimes, one leg falls off the bed as one partner is squished against the wall. Even worse, someone falls off the bed, sustaining the “sex injury” (something we all like to pretend we’re embarrassed about, but actually love to share). Last February, a friend came back from studying abroad and was eager to spend the night with an old partner from the previous year. After a night of drinking, she got back to his room and attempted to jump on the top bunk of his bed. Instead of pleasure, she got hours of pain and suffering after breaking her leg. Word to the wise: Alcohol and the top bunk are like oil and water.

When I began dating my first Northwestern boyfriend halfway through freshman year, I figured the awkward make-out sessions on his bed were either a) my fault, being nervous and inexperienced, or b) his fault (I told myself this was more probable). Instead of rolling over to try something new, I found that changing positions meant awkward conversations that sounded like air traffic control. “You move this way,” I would say. “No, I’m going to move that way,” he would reply.

When navigating the awkward waters of the dorm room hook-up, there are a few alternatives to try. Use your desk chair — while this can get uncomfortable, it mixes things up from the regular on-the-bed routine. The floor is another option, but the thin rugs cause sore backs and rug burns the next day, so throw down a couple of blankets before getting down to business. And while my friends have hooked up in random spots around campus — the library, the Rock, the Lakefill, the Shakespeare Garden, LR2 in Tech — many of these places produce more paranoia or painful bruises than pleasure, so proceed with caution.

Try as we might to find fun alternatives, the dorm bed is by far the easiest and most accessible hook-up spot on campus. Those who still struggle with the awkwardness should realize that the first few times you hook up with anyone are always awkward, but once you can communicate with the other person without getting nervous, you can start making suggestions as to how you want to maneuver. After even more time with that person, hopefully you won’t have to say anything at all and a natural rhythm will guide you better than anything.

A friend of mine put it this way: “I’m always thinking, ‘Can you get off me, you’re kind of hurting me?’ But you can’t say that to the other person.” Many times, she said, one of her limbs falls asleep and she politely waits for him to move instead of asking him to shift. In an ideal world, housing would add six inches of width to all of our beds. But after almost three years or awkward air traffic controlling, I’m not so polite anymore. At some point, you have to learn to get over your fears and insecurities, and wear that metaphorical orange vest with pride. If I’m willing to laugh at myself and appreciate that hooking up in dorm rooms is something I can only experience in college, I might as well just enjoy the awkwardness of it all while I still can.

This guy was not a murderer, nor was this an accident. This guy had a class-A erotic asphyxiation fetish, in which he believed he was pleasuring her by cutting off oxygen from her brain. Though his intentions were good, it was still kind of scary. Not to mention super awkward when she had to explain in the nicest way possible that strangulation did not, in fact, make her randy.

Though my friend’s tale may not occur in the average hook-up, there are plenty of other scenarios that totally kill the mood. Because you should do whatever you can to avoid these, here is a list of five of the worst offenses, rated for their awkwardness on a the five-turtle scale. Just like a five-star scale, except the opposite. And reptilian.

Number One: Unwanted surprises

Never stick it in hole number two when she’s expecting hole number one and exclaim, “Now how’d that get in there?” No matter how strongly you believe women love surprises, there should be no such surprises in the bedroom. That being said, ladies should be sure to warn their partners beforehand if it’s that time of the month. There is probably no worse surprise for him than diving in and coming up with a mouthful of blood. Be responsible, own up and discuss any possible obstacles beforehand. You can still have sex on your period, as long as you have a means for clean-up. Just take a few moments before things get too heated and discuss what you both want out of this. Know what your partner expects, and try to come up with a vehicle of pleasure to take you both there. That’s where my friend’s partner went wrong: some people are cool with asphyxiation — we all have our fetishes — but it’s not something to spring on someone unexpectedly.

Number Two: Leavin’ your socks on

Socks and nudity just aren’t compatible. Yes, you can argue that there is simply no attractive way to take off one’s socks in bed, but this is a terrible excuse. If you’re going to take it off, take it all off. The socks should come off with the pants; they are a pair, like peanut butter and jelly, you and your partner, communication and good sex.

A British study did find, however, that wearing socks in the sack equals more frequent orgasms. I’m not exactly sure how universal this is or if Brits are the only ones with cold feet. I still maintain that there is nothing less attractive than a naked leg attached to a socked foot.

Number Three: Extreme dirty talk

“I want you, I need you, oh baby, oh baby!” All right. Sexy-talk is fine, but just shouldn’t be taken too far. While it is perfectly normal to emit moans and the odd praise to God while doing the deed, one must keep in mind that porn is appealing because of its extremity. You definitely don’t want your partner thinking, “What a faker. I watched porn yesterday and the girl said the exact same thing!” Do say something, so your partner knows they’re doing your body good, but make sure your noises are sincere. If you feel insulted by your partner’s incessant, “Who’s your daddy?!” wait until afterward and tell him/her to keep your father out of this. You wouldn’t want to kill the mood even more by criticizing your partner at the height of their ranting.

Number Four: Faking it

According to a survey of Prof. Michael Bailey’s Human Sexuality class, 64 percent of Northwestern girls and 20 percent of Northwestern guys have faked an orgasm. That’s a whole lot of fakers. Let’s think about this for a moment. If you start using your acting skills in bed, one of two things will happen: either your partner will realize you’re faking and feel like an idiot, or your partner won’t realize you’re faking and will be under the impression that he is badder than Ron Jeremy. And then you end up getting cheated. If your partner ain’t getting you off, tell him or her. They won’t be mad, promise! Whisper in your partner’s ear or move their body exactly where and how you want it. Now that’s hot.

Number Five: Jackhammering

Jackhammers are meant to tear holes through concrete. They’re violent and loud, and their sole purpose is destruction. Do yourself and your partner a favor by not bringing this sensation to the bedroom. You know the feeling — when a guy fingers you and goes far too hard, far too fast, you end up feeling more like his victim than his accomplice. Or, when a girl uses manual stimulation with so much force that you feel your jewels are slowly being ripped from your body. Pleasure is never supposed to hurt, so when it does, say so! Let your partner know you are in pain, and make sure you stop him/her before they injure you. If you feel uncomfortable saying it aloud, you can always guide them yourself, and show them what you really like.

In a utopia, all the jack-hammering, sock-wearing, faking wrongdoers of the world will read this and come to their senses. But for now, it’s up to you to express your true sentiments to your partner and let them know when you don’t like something. Make it into a positive thing. Whisper in their ear, “This isn’t really my thing, but I love that other thing you do.” The key to having a great time in bed isn’t about possessing “skills” or being inhumanly flexible; it’s straight-up communication. If you don’t tell someone you hate what they’re doing, they’ll never know, and even worse, they’ll keep doing it. You’ll never get to experience all those mind-blowing orgasms you’ve heard so much about. And that, my friend, is a sorry thing to miss out on.

Sex Position of the Week: The Piledriver
This one is for more adventurous souls and is best done on a soft surface. Have the girl lie on her back, lifting her legs and pelvis so the majority of her weight is on her shoulders. Her legs should be spread with one leg forward and the other back, like a pair of scissors. Then, have the guy stand with his legs apart, feet on the floor on either side of her. The guy should be holding up her legs, either at the ankles or thighs. He should bend his knees as he is thrusting, careful not to thrust too hard and hurt her neck. There’s a reason why this is called the pile driver.

Being the wild thing that you are, you automatically assume sex is on the menu. You hint at what you want, expecting him to reach over and pull a condom out from the stash.

But wait. A strange look crosses his face. Is that uncertainty? Maybe even terror?

“Oh my God, you’re a virgin.”

He didn’t even have to tell you. You just know. And suddenly it gets reeeeally awkwardly quiet as mortification sets in. We’ve all heard of situations where the guy is more experienced than the girl. But there seems to be little advice for the sex-savvy gals who find themselves with clueless boys.

Not to worry! There are numerous ways to handle someone who’s more familiar with anatomical drawings of the vag than a real one.

According to a random poll of my man-friends, most guys would lie about their virginity if given the chance to give up their V-card — even if they had no idea what they were doing. One guy boasted, “I never stop to ask for directions,” and cited the porn movies he’s watched as grounds for his expertise. Because everybody knows that real life sex is just like Pirates, right? Right.

So for all my bros reading out there, a word of warning: If you find yourself in this situation, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT feign confidence or professionalism. You’ll just embarrass yourself and your partner by polishing up (read: lying about) your resume. She’s not an idiot, and she will see through your bullshit — especially if she’s been through this before. Sex is a skill that takes time and practice to fine-tune; just because you’ve been a diehard Jenna fan since you were nine does not mean you could be her co-star. Just be honest! Honestly!

And ladies, contrary to what your guy will have you believe, not all male college freshmen are sexual virtuosos with incredible masses of experience. Especially on this campus, finding that rare, unpolished gem is not as rare as one might think. And even if he’s not a virgin, don’t assume that he knows what he’s doing.

Don’t treat him like he glows. Photo by rick on flickr, licensed under the Creative Commons.

Now let me channel my mommy voice for a minute and scold you for not exchanging histories or establishing a battle plan before letting it get this far. But I’ll cut you some slack because you are in college, this is a hookup, and how the hell were you supposed to know Mr. Macho has never rolled a taco in his life?

Yeah, it would be easy to throw your head back, laugh and point. This would be an easy way to get rid of him: Nothing knocks the tent over quite like the winds of laughter. However, his ego may never recover, and you were a virgin once, too. Remember?

There’s definitely a more mature way to handle the situation, and in this case, you’re the experienced one — act like it.

So when your women’s intuition tells you what he won’t, don’t freak out! There are numerous ways to handle this situation, any of which may work for you. Every case is different, too — there’s no blanket answer that will cover all the intricacies and details of your situation — so the best thing (and really the only thing) to do is put on a straight face and have a mature and responsible talk.

Ask him if he is honestly ready: Is he going to regret this in the morning? Ask yourself if you are honestly ready to be his first: Are you going to regret this in the morning?

No one likes to have this talk, but there’s no way around it now. What are the terms and conditions of your future relationship? Do you plan on seeing each other again, or is what’s-his-name from the frat party a one-time deal? If he says he wants to lose it, make sure you’re okay with being the de-flowerer. If you’re both perfectly fine with you being his first gal, then gear up me hearties, yo ho! Just remember to give him some guidance. His cluelessness will help neither of you.

Of course, to avoid the awkwardness of it all, you can always find a fun alternative to sex for the time being. After all, you can always do the deed tomorrow night, or next weekend. Your body has lots of happy buttons — it doesn’t take a Northwestern engineer to figure this one out. Don’t be afraid to try them all.

And so, my attentive pupils, both courageous and weak-of-heart, just remember that lying never did anyone good. Be honest, think this through and remember to wrap up before venturing in!

Sex Position of the Week: Aphrodite’s Delight

If you’re going to be playing teacher and student, might as well teach him something worthwhile. Face each other with him on top. Bring your thighs as close to your chest as you can, and bring your feet together, so that your legs form a rough circle. Have him enter you slowly and make sure you’re both comfy before racing towards the finish line. General kissing and fondling will make this a lot more exciting. If all goes well, it will feel good for both of you –- what better way to end lesson one of Intro to Sex?

Does a cold sore really mean I have herpes?

Yes. According to the American Social Health Association, Herpes Simplex 1 (HSV-1), or oral herpes, usually presents itself as cold sores around the mouth or face. Because of its similarity to HSV-2, genital herpes, the two types can appear in either location, so avoid the oral sex if you’ve got a cold sore. Neither form likes being away from its preferred location, though, so outbreaks tend to be milder and less frequent.

“If somebody has HSV-1 and they have oral sex with someone, they can transmit HSV-1 to that person’s genitals,” according to Kathryn Guilfoyle, director of Sexual Health and Assault Peer Educators and a health-services administrator at Searle. “The thing is, HSV-1 doesn’t grow and flourish in the genital region … it isn’t the same as HSV-2.”

Herpes is also transmitted through the skin, so don’t think you’re safe just because you avoid sexual fluids. There’s also something called “asymptomatic viral shedding, where your skin fluffs off the virus even if you don’t have any symptoms of an outbreak,” Guilfoyle said. But as long as you’re not using your herpes-infected friends’ Chapstick or freshly used towels, you’ll be okay. Washed towels and water bottles are safe.

Should that blowjob come with nutrition facts?

You’re not going to find a black-and-white label on your partner’s penis, but don’t worry: You won’t get fat from too much swallowing. According to Columbia University’s health services Q&A Web site, one teaspoon of ejaculate has about 5 to 7 calories. In addition to sperm content, it also contains fructose sugar, vitamin C, protein and other compounds used to give sperm energy to swim. But it’s certainly not going to fulfill your percent daily value for any of those.

Are flavored condoms and lube just more harmful than non-flavored?

One of the favorite phrases of the Howard Brown Broadway Youth Center is, “Flavors are for sucking, not for fucking.” In case that isn’t self-explanatory, you should only use flavored condoms or lube for oral sex, because the sugar and flavoring can set girls up for nasty yeast infections.

Since other causes of yeast infections include tight clothing, thong underwear and not changing out of damp clothing immediately, you’re probably at risk enough.

Is there any kind of “suction effect” that can happen if you have sex in water?

“I’ve never heard of a suction effect,” Guilfoyle said. “The only thing that I can think of is a suction effect inside the vaginal canal where water would be sucked up.”

And that isn’t completely harmless, since the water could contain salt, chlorine or bacteria that would get forced into the vagina and could lead to infection. There also hasn’t been research on condom effectiveness in water. “Unless the water was extremely hot or really acidic, I can’t imagine it would really affect the performance of the condom,” Guilfoyle said, but cautioned that it could make it easier for the condom to slip off.

If you still want to get it on in next year’s Ski Trip hot tub, be warned: sex in water means that any water-based lubricants, as well as natural vaginal lubricant, will be washed away — ironically enough, your sex could actually feel drier. Use a silicon-based lubricant to avoid this one. And definitely not an oil-based lubricant: Those are usually massage oil or something else not intended to be used as sexual lubricant, and the oil breaks down the latex in condoms.

What are all of these infections I keep hearing about? And does peeing after sex mean I won’t get them?

Three main things can go wrong with your genitals if you’re female. If you think you have any of them, get checked out by a doctor. No, your hallmate who insists he knows all about this stuff because he’s totally into WebMD doesn’t count.

Urinary tract infections are the ones that people think peeing after sex will prevent. These happen when bacteria get into the urinary tract through the urethra — which, problematically for members of the fairer sex, is very short in women. “Anything you can do to flush out foreign bacteria is a good thing,” Guilfoyle said, and this includes peeing after sex.

Bacterial vaginosis is the same basic concept, only instead of getting into the urinary tract, bacteria get in your vagina.

Yeast infections are similar in that they occur in the vagina, but happen when normal yeast levels in the vagina get out of control. While physically incredibly durable, vaginas are chemically incredibly delicate. When the natural chemical balance gets upset, infections happen. Some lucky people are more naturally prone to them, while others need to have seriously aggravated circumstances. According to Guilfoyle, sex can contribute to yeast infections because you’re “getting foreign material into the vagina.”

Other strategies, to sum up previous points, include not douching because it removes normal yeast and bacteria, avoiding things that are scented or flavored, wearing breathable fabrics like cotton, avoiding tight clothing and thongs, and changing your underwear regularly, especially if you’ve been working out. Don’t use your lack of desire to do laundry as an excuse to not change your clothes – damp environments are like bacterial breeding grounds.

And for the exhibitionists among us: “Any times that you can go without underwear, do so,” Guilfoyle said.

Can you still get pregnant if…

…you’re on top? Yes. Assuming you’re not on birth control and not using a condom, your odds are equal to what they would be in missionary. Sperm are determined and travel in large groups. Just because a few of them might not make it up there, some will.

…he pulls out? Also yes. Pre-ejaculate, commonly known as pre-come, can still contain sperm. The risk is even higher if your boy hasn’t peed since he last ejaculated, since sperm from his last orgasm could be lingering inside the urinary tract.

…he eats or drinks something specific? Sorry, but they haven’t invented a magic vasectomy food yet, and sugary drinks won’t decrease your sperm count. They are developing a male birth control pill, so rejoice, girls: Soon your boyfriends will be the ones who get fat and break out.

…you douche after sex? Yes. And not only are you not even remotely preventing pregnancy, you’re also altering the pH levels of the delicately balanced systems of your vagina, which can cause yeast infections. If anything, you might push sperm farther up into your vagina.

…you do jumping jacks after sex? Yes. And you don’t even need the exercise.

…it’s your first time? Yes. By the time you’re having sex I sincerely hope you’ve had your period for at least a few years, so you are physically capable of getting knocked up. Your ovaries aren’t just going to say to themselves, “Nope, can’t release an egg this month, she’s going to lose her v-card to that cute boy from Calculus.”

…you’re having anal sex? There’s no way for sperm to travel from the rectum to the vagina: the two passages aren’t connected. If, however, semen were ejaculated near the vagina during anal sex and managed to somehow make it in, then there would be some potential pregnancy risk, Guilfoyle said.

“While not impossible, it is really very unlikely,” Guilfoyle said. “But anal sex has plenty of risks associated with sexually transmitted diseases, so it’s not the option with no risks.”

Basically, if you are having unprotected vaginal sex sans birth control, you could get pregnant. If you’re a girl who hates condoms so much that you refuse to use them, get yourself on some form of hormonal birth control and be prepared to risk STIs. If you’re among the male condom-hating masses, the STI thing still applies. And nothing kills the afterglow like oozing genital sores or monthly child-support payments.

Is using Plan B ever going to make my ovaries shrivel up and die?

No. Plan B is just a higher dose of the hormones that are found in regular birth control, which are synthetic versions of natural female hormones. “The worst side effects are cramping or nausea, things like that,” Guilfoyle said. “[Plan B] works to prevent pregnancy the same way regular birth control does, it just does it later.”

It also isn’t an abortion pill and won’t do anything to an established pregnancy. It works by preventing your ovaries from releasing an egg if they haven’t already for the month. If ovulation has already occurred, it alters the lining of the uterus so that even if an egg comes into contact with sperm, it won’t implant. However, after 72 hours, its effectiveness is greatly decreased, so if you think the condom might have broken, get thee to a drugstore.

But if you’ve had to make seven trips to Searle or CVS for Plan B in the past month, you might want to investigate regular hormonal birth control. Considering that Plan B costs around $40 at CVS and the care and feeding of a child costs around $120,000 just for one of them, it’s probably cheaper in the long run.

So I heard this one story about maggots…

No.

Thomas Jefferson: This Founding Father of the United States was also a founding father of political sex scandals. He is accused of keeping his slave, Sally Hemmings, as a concubine. Supposedly, she gave birth to his illegitimate son. This is still a disputed allegation, though there is more evidence for the claim than against it based on modern genealogical studies.

FDR: He was the mastermind behind the New Deal, the commander-in-chief during World War II, and arguably the most influential president of the twentieth century. Yet Roosevelt spent most of his private life engaged in a clandestine affair with his young secretary, Lucy Page Mercer. Eleanor found out early on, and offered him an ultimatum: file for divorce or end the affair. Under strong pressure from his mother, FDR agreed to stop seeing Lucy. However, their correspondences never stopped and she visited him whenever the First Lady was out of town, right up until he suffered a fatal cerebral hemorrhage. In her presence.

JFK: He was the King of Camelot, the leader of the free world, with arguably the hottest First Lady ever. And yet, the world (or Jacqueline Kennedy) was not enough for this playboy president. He claimed to suffer from a headache if he didn’t get “a strange piece of ass” every day. He frustrated Secret Service agents with his constant one-night stands when Jacqueline wasn’t living in the White House, which was often. And who can forget Marilyn Monroe, that silver screen sex icon? Her rendition of “Happy Birthday, Mr. President” is still hot fifty years later. Oh yeah, and Bobby got the sloppy seconds.

Bill Clinton: You knew he was coming. At least, that’s what she said, she being Monica Lewinsky looking at her stained blue dress. This affair, and the resulting impeachment trial, during which Clinton explained that the Oval Office definition of “sexual relations” did not include blowjobs, was one of the great non-sequiturs of twentieth century political history. The important thing to remember is that Hillary stuck by him through the whole ordeal. And now, if she wins the White House, we’ll have to pray that she doesn’t take her revenge on some hapless male intern. Knock on wood… except, not her… well, you get the idea.

Mark Foley: Finally, political scandals entered the digital age. This Republican Congressman was accused of sending sexually explicit emails and instant messages to his male teenage pages. Reading the transcript of one conversation is particularly disturbing, as Foley conducts a bizarre interview about the page’s masturbatory habits, penis size, and general perceived sexiness. Foley claimed that he was drunk, which seems like a laughably unoriginal excuse. After the whole scandal went public, Foley quickly resigned, and revealed his homosexuality in a statement through his lawyer.

There you have it: all the worst parts of sex in a nutshell. Don’t get too depressed, though. All but one of these five politicians are still insanely popular, despite their sexual forays. The moral of the story? One out of every five sexual relationships ends in absolute disgrace. That sounds about right.